I posted this in emotional and Takola said I should post it to here so ...

Hello,
I'm new here. I have been reading this site for a couple of days trying to fix my marriage .. I have to admit that it is my fault my wife wants to divorce. ( short and condensed version ) I work nights and weekends, she has gotten lonely and we started ignoring each other. She has given me signs in the past and I was blind and stupid for not watching them. We have been together for ten years. She says she loves me but doesn't want to be with me. She says she needs space. I don't know how to give her this space. I try but always end up calling or showing up at the house .. Even though she wants out I don't want to disrupt my childrens lives. So I left, I love my children and do not want to leave them. My Wife and Children are everything to me. I knew she has been unhappy but thought it would all work out. She blind sided me with it. A couple of weeks ago I saw a strange phone number on the caller ID when I came home from work. I was going to call in the morning to see who was calling so late at night. When I got up in am it had been erased. I never said anything to my wife ... I should have. I found a set of phone numbers in my wifes pants by accident when I was looking for a set of keys... I asked her about it , I reconized it being the number that had been erased. She said it was the neighbors number. This neighbor has a reputation for getting involved with another married woman and broke that husband and wife up ... then started dating her. Hence how they became our neighbors... she moved out he stayed. I did get mad and yelled at her then I told her I was going to have a talk with him ...( they have been talking for about three weeks, or so she says.. he says longer ..) About four hours later I went up to her moms to talk with her and as I opened the door she was on the phone ... with him. I really lost my temper and blew up at her and yelled, then I went over and yelled at him. I asked him to stop calling my wife .. I told him it was over stepping the boudrys of our marriage. He said they were only friends and that I shouldn't be so controlling about it ... well that same night when I was at work he called again. Then again on the next day. She had told me she wanted me to move out prior to me finding his number and all of this starting ..... All this time I've been staying in my truck and sleeping. So i really haven't had much sleep. I found out that he had called my wife again the next day ... I really lost it and went off the deep end. So I went to his house and yelled some more at him. Then again at my Wife because in the process of him and me yelling back at eachother he had told me that My wife told him she didn't want to stop talking to him that she needs a friend to talk too... at the same time she told me that she would stop calling him and talking to him. She says there is nothing going on and that she hasn't had an affair with him and that it was wrong to talk with him about us .. I trust my wife .. at least I did. I never had a doubt in my mind that she would never cheat on me .( she was married befor to an abusive husband ,, and he cheated on her ) .. this is eating me up inside about him but I try to let it go and I don't know how .. I'm trying to work out my marriage but she doesn't seem to want to try .. I know he came over the night that I went to his house. My daughter told me that he sat on the deck outside talking to my wife ... I questioned her about it and she said that he wasn't going to call or come over any more ... I know one of the other neighbors that is invovled in this ( a female across the street that has been talking to my wife ) yelled at him about it all also. I know that I'm still in this "Fog" and I'm not thinking clearly ... (lack of sleep and food?) I don't know where to go or how to fix this. I've done everything I can think of, of course it all goes bad and makes me look crazy. I can't stop thinking about her and us .. she is all I've ever wanted ... I realize that most of the problem is my fault and that I took her love for granted, that I took her for granted .. but how do I fix that? She is not willing to try , She is not willing to go to counseling with me. As Far as I know she hasn't talked to OM in a couple of days. I can always tell when she has because she erases the caller ID. (out of guilt maybe? Or habit.) while that has helped a little because she has started talking to me a little more... Like I said earlier I know this has been my fault .. and hers .. I didn't keep my end of the bargain up.. I didn't meet her important emotional needs.. and I'm terribly sorry and hurting because of it. But how do I get her to give me the chance I need to prove I do Love her and need her in my life? ... OK there is the back ground of it. I am just looking for some advice on where to go from here or how to try and get my wife to love me again ... she says she did this to shake me up and make me realize what I'm loosing ... I do. Then the next time I talk to her she wants to just end it... She is giving me such mixed signals. I know this is hard on her too and she is hurting also ... She didn't take her ring off until five days after this all started then boom, it was off ( the same night he came over and talked to her on the deck ) But I also believe that if I hadn't found out about them talking they might have had a full blown affair.. I asked her to put her ring back on ... she said she would think about it... What do I do? I love my wife and children and I want to work this out ... any advice would be great .. L&C

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What do I do? I love my wife and children and I want to work this out ... any advice would be great .. L&C "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First thing you should realize is that BOTH of you are equally responsible for the bad state of your marriage BUT she is fully responsible for having an EA with this OM.

Second, you have to accept reality and realize that you can't force her to do what you want. If she wants to she can talk to the OM or she can end the marriage. You are her H not her master.

Third, your love busting her with your angry outbursts did NOTHING but further erode whatever love she has for you. It doesn't matter if you invest fulfilling ALL of her most important EN's if you are going to be love busting her again and again. It's like trying to fill a tank with water when there is a huge hole in its bottom, an impossible task. Furthermore, instead of attracting her back to you, your love busters pushed her away from you and towards the direction of the OM. So the first thing you need to do is to stop ALL love busters against your W. No more angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, or annoying habits.

Fourth, if you are going to emotionally survive the emotional rollercoaster that her 'fog' subsequent withdrawl from the OM, has put you through then you will to have to emotionally detach from her. Emotional detachment(ED) will get you off the emotional rollercoaster by giving you control of your negative emotions like fear, anger and despair which can sabotage all of your well thought out and hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage. ED will make it possible for you to exercise the patience and perseverance that are necessary elements to save your marriage. How do you emotionally detach? By conquering your fear of ending your marriage and not getting your hopes up by relying on her words alone (the old saying 'actions speak louder than words' very much applies here). What you are actually detaching from is fear, anger and despair NOT love.

Lastly, affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.

P.S. Please read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair','His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'; Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'; and all the articles on this website. Below my post you'll find quick links to many of those important articles.

Good luck and keep us posted.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I'm so glad you took my advice and moved over here, LC. You've already gotten a response from TMCM, and he's a good one to talk to. The people here will be of much more help, and hopefully we can attract Cerri's attention.

In the meantime, read any thread with the name "cerri" in the title. Definitely read her entire concept thread.

The path to recovery from an Emotional Affair is the same as for a physical affair. I second what TMCM said, but click on the link in my signature line for a few additional resources on the path to recovery, and pay particular attention to the Plan A links.

Takola,TMCM,

Thank you for responding. Yes I haave read that .. I think I've read everything at least twice. I've had alot of spare time on my hands latley. If I move back into house she'll leave she has already told me that. See I realize that there are alot of things we need to fix .. Well now I realize it ... it might be too late though .. I guess in the past year or so our sex lives have slowed down ... not on my part ... She just hasn't had much of a sex drive .. it has been about four months since we have had any type of relations ... I finally told her that I have needs also and that I would like us to try a little harder to find the time for it .. She anwsered with and what if I don't .. all I did was open my arms in a I don't know type gesture ... well things got worse from that time on .. When I put my arm around her at night she would brush it off.. I couldn't get any physical contact .. no hugs or kisses, and she stopped saying I love you ... But I kept trying, she had told me durring our conversation that she was unhappy with me and that is why there hasn't been any sexual contact between us. I told her that I would try harder to make her happy ..... it was probably a month and a half after our conversation that she told me she wanted me to move out ... then two days after that is when I found OM numbers .. she said she has been talking to him for three weeks off and on about us and how unhappy she has been ... she knew that I have been trying , really trying for the past month and a half .. befor she started talking to him .. or so she says ... Then more I think about it the more my supicions are raised ... All I want to do is get back my life and my family ... but how ... anyway I think I depressed my self again ..

Things have gotten a little better in the last day or so .. I had a job interview and have another tomorrow , ( I'm looking for a regular day job so I can be home on nights and weekends) that is if I get back in the house and she gives me a chance to show her I love her ...

last night she had to work and I went to the house because she needed me to watch the girls. which I loved because I haven't had a chance to be with them .. No matter what becomes of this I am going to be a better father ... and hopefully a better husband... or at least a better man because of this.
anyway when she came home I had put the girls to sleep and was watching Tv in our bedroom .. I fell asleep on the bed .. I needed to sleep .. must have been because of the comfort zone .. When she lightly woke me up she said I had been talking in my sleep .. I asked her what it was I said .. she said that I was talking to her and called her beautiful.. I quess my head is trying to work it out .. She sat down on the edge of the bed and I got up and walked next to her and wrapped my arm around her and she leaned into me for a couple of mins.. I then tried to give her a hug and she pulled away laying down on the bed .. I sat next to her and lightly rubbed her back .. after about five mins she told me to stop I asked her why she said because it was againsst the rules ... I said I never recieved the rule list she smiled ... I then went back to lightly rubbing her back .. she fell asleep .. I kissed her on the cheek covered her up and left ... I've noticed other little things she hasn't taken down our wedding picture and she calls me Honey once and a while ( might be from habit ) I know I'm probably reaching ... grasping for some small signs that might not be there and are just in my head... God help me ..I think I'm going nuts .. well anyway I just need someone to talk to and I think thats why I post here.. She was my best friend at least I thought so .. I'm not an over emotional out with my feelings person.. and that is part of the problem I don't think she ever knew how much I love her and that she is the only person I ever really talked too.. I have friends but don't keep them that close ... anyways thank you for listening..

*** TMCM ***

I thought maybe you should see this post I had sent to takola in the other thread ... I do realize that my yelling hurt our relationship more and that I shouldn't have gotten so angry ... it was in the initial shock period that I did this.. I don't normally yell at my wife .. I'm not trying to controll her and I don't think I'm her master ... I love her, I just didn't show it in the ways I should have ... and I am sorry for that.

how do you edit ?

I posted how to edit on your other thread.

well I messed things up again ... I called her earlier today and we talked a while , I asked her about the kids and how she was doing. I asked her If I could call her later after the kids go to sleep.. she said that she'd rather I didn't. She said that she would call me. I waited, and waited around 9:30 I headed towards the house thinking I would stop and talk to her. As I got to the driveway I just felt that I shouldn't and that I should give her space, so I went around the block instead. The road that runs past our house comes up behind it. I saw My wife and OM sitting on deck talking, So I pulled over.. I got out to talk with them ( of course I realize that it looks as if I was spying on her.. I really wasn't.) Befor I got across the yard he disappeared and went back to his house ( My Wife thought he was going to meet me half way and talk with me . LOL ) He didn't he just went back to his house. She had called me the day befor and said she would stop talking to him and stop calling him. I started yelling across the yard in to the dark for him to come up so we could talk, he never anwsered or came up. If they didn't have something to hide why did he get up and leave so quik. I finally got my wife to anwser why she thought he wouldn't call or come over any more ( I had asked her when she called me ) He doesn't like conflict .. she also said that they had talked and they thought it wasn't a good idea for them to talk any more ... they both claim they are just friends.. yet here he was on my back deck with my wife at 9:30 at night with my kids in the house and me out of the picture ... and yet she wasn't going to talk to him anymore ... We went in the house because she didn't want the neighbors to hear. I picked up the caller ID and looked at it , when I did she said I called him .. this of course made me mad and just like befor even though I tried not too ... I got angry at her for lying to me.. I told her that I thought she was having an EA and that it had to stop .. She then went on to tell me that she wasn't and that everything that is going on is because of me ignoring her and that I quit trying .. She says she just wants to do this nice and not make it messy ... I keep trying to tell her I'm not the same person as I was a week ago .. she doesn't belive me ... I'm not at home so how can I fix this? If I move home she'll leave .. I thought about having the pastor that I have been talking to go and speak with her ... but it might be a bad thing .. she's so angry with me and blames everything on me that I don't know if it would do more harm then good... I know she wants space .. or actually just a divorce. She just isn't willing to try .. How do I over come that? I know I am the one that did this by not realizing what I had. I do realize what I'm losing and I wish I could show her... and I know that she loves me , she just isn't in love with me ... because of how I made her feel about us. I so much want to show her I'm sorry and fix things but everytime I try I mess it up ... or OM is in the picture and it makes me upset ... so I'm the one that comes off looking like a controlling jealouse husband... I don't want to give up ...I KNOW IT HAS ONLY BEEN A WEEK BUT IT FEELS LIKE AN ETERRNITY .. I'm just so lost on how to fix this .. I really don't know if there is an A. Going on ... I don't know if it is just me ... she told me that She hasn't given me any hope and that the signs I've seen are in my head ... are they ? Am I just going crazy? She said that everything I have done doesn't matter that maybe since I hurt her all these years that she just wants to hurt me back,( She has more than she'll ever know ) She told me that I haven't proven anything to her and that as far as she can tell I'm the same person from a week ago .. I'm not though I have learned enormous things about myself in the past week. I will never be that same person, even if she doesn't come back I'll never take love for granted again. It's too precious and fragile ... The best I can hope for is that she'll give me another chance. I am just so emotionally drained ... I try to do something for me, but just can't .. I don't feel up too it .. I know I'm having a pity party .. and oh wohh is me .. I don't have anyone else to talk with that's why I'm saying it here. what do I do? where do I go from here? I've always thought that she is the woman for me and that we would be together forever... I was just so stupid and never told her how I felt or showed her in the right way. I think I'm going to go and try and get a little sleep, I have an interview in am .. hopefully I'll get the job .. it's the only place I know to start, the funny thing is I don't know if it's worth it .. she is worth it, our marriage is worth it , but if I don't win her back then me getting this new job and everything else will be for nothing... about how I feel I quess. What a stupid man I have been .. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hello,

This is just my opinion but I think you should immediately return to your home. If she wishes to leave then let her. She is the one that continues to lie to you, is having an emotional affair at the very least with your neighbor, the OM continues to come over your house etc. By being gone from your home you are in fact enabling her to continue this emotional affair withhout any consequences to her actions.
As too much coffee said she will do what she wants to do but why allow her to continue to lie and see this OM withhout any problems. If she chooses to leave then let her go through the problems of finding a new place and having to visit the children. She is having the affair and you leave the home while she continues to call and see the OM by talking to him at your home?
What is wrong with this picture? This OM has broken up a previous marriage with his cheating so it is clear he is trying to have sex with her.
In short, why make it easy for her to allow this to happen by leaving your home when she is the one having the affair? Stop enabling her to have this affair and return to your home. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

Just as she is responsible for her behavior, so are you for yours. It would probably help tremendously if you apologized to her for YOUR angry outburst. This in no way means that you are condoning her behavior but that you are mature enough to own up to yours when you mess up.

Please consider reading my previous post, especially the part on emotional detachment, for without it your efforts to save your marriage will be sabotaged by your lack of emotional control.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Morning L&C,

I have to admit that it is my fault my wife wants to divorce.

Mmmm.... perhaps, but not necessarily so. It is good to take responsibility for the things you've done to get you into a bad place, but there were things that she did or did not do as well. And if she is having an A then that is probably the underlying reason she wants the D, and that is NOT your fault.

( short and condensed version )

Much appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now, if you could make some paragraphs and leave some white space in here too that would be wonderful!!

I work nights and weekends, she has gotten lonely and we started ignoring each other.

Yeah, this is one of the biggies when it comes to things NOT to do. If romantic relationships are to survive couples need to spend time together giving each other their undivided attention and meeting the needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Much like dating days.

When you stop spending time together you cannot adequately meet each other's needs and the feelings of love begin to wane. That's when we become particularly vulnerable to an affair.

She has given me signs in the past and I was blind and stupid for not watching them. We have been together for ten years. She says she loves me but doesn't want to be with me. She says she needs space.

This is pretty typical. Women complain long before they bail but generally the signs are missed as you say.

Now the not wanting to be with you and the needing space are HUGE red flags that there is an affair. I don't know that I've ever heard them without there being someone else in the background. It's pretty universal.

I don't know how to give her this space. I try but always end up calling or showing up at the house .. Even though she wants out I don't want to disrupt my childrens lives.

Uhhhhh..... I don't think you should give her this space. When a spouse says they don't want to be with you and they need space, what they are really saying is... I want to be free to have this relationship with someone else and I don't want you around giving me grief or getting in the way.

What happened that you are out of your home? I would say that unless you are abusive this is a big mistake on your part.

I love my children and do not want to leave them.

I'd really like to talk more about this. I'm leaning towards you moving back in. And yes she'll be angry... get used to it, you'll see a lot more before this is over.

I knew she has been unhappy but thought it would all work out.

At the risk of bringing CoffeeMan and JL down on me again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .... Men if you are reading this sentence and your wife is not yet having an affair... TAKE NOTE..... If she's unhappy, it will NOT all work out and you need to be proactive about figuring out what she needs and doing it. Before it gets to this point. (Rant ending now...)

I did get mad and yelled at her then I told her I was going to have a talk with him ...

Well you know by now that yelling doesn't get you anywhere you want to be, so you're not going to that again, right?

I really lost my temper and blew up at her and yelled, then I went over and yelled at him. I asked him to stop calling my wife .. I told him it was over stepping the boudrys of our marriage. He said they were only friends and that I shouldn't be so controlling about it ...

Ok, confronting him is good. Yelling is bad. Has this been an issue in your marriage?

And no you are not being controlling. You are asking him to stop something that is offensive and painful for you. Good grief... neighbors are so careful about mowing and dandelions and yet if it's making moves on the guy's wife next door that seems to be ok.

I really lost it and went off the deep end. So I went to his house and yelled some more at him. Then again at my Wife because in the process of him and me yelling back at eachother he had told me that My wife told him she didn't want to stop talking to him that she needs a friend to talk too... at the same time she told me that she would stop calling him and talking to him.

Ok, but no matter what they are telling you.... you yelling at anyone is the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot.

She says there is nothing going on and that she hasn't had an affair with him and that it was wrong to talk with him about us .. I trust my wife .. at least I did. I never had a doubt in my mind that she would never cheat on me .

Trust is having openess and honesty and knowing that your feelings will be taken into account with every decision your spouse makes. Simply believing someone without knowing what's going on isn't trust, it's ignorance.

( she was married befor to an abusive husband

Then her sensitivity meter to any type of abuse (and yelling is abuse) is going to be set very high. You're giving her reasons to want out. Doesn't make an affair ok... nothing does... but it's pushing her out the door.

How did you meet? Were either of you married at the time?

I'm trying to work out my marriage but she doesn't seem to want to try ..

There is nothing you can do to restore your marriage while she is involved with this man. You can do things to let her know you are willing to repair the damage, but the actual repair cannot happen before the A ends.

I've done everything I can think of,

Alright... First I want you to order Surviving an Affair from the bookstore link above. Do it now.

Then I want you to read about Plan A and Plan B here .

Then read about Love Busters here

Today. Then let's talk about getting you back into your home and beginning to work a good Plan A.

Also, read my rules for dealing with infidelity in my sig line below. Cut them out and save them... you're going to need them.

C

Cerri, Bryanp,TMCM,

Thank you for replying ... I have read plan A .. I just do not know how to implement it in my situation ... My heart truley belives she hasn't had an affair yet .. that it has only been talking about us and how unhappy she is ..
NO I have never been married befor, Her marriage with her first husband lasted only 6 months but they were together for a while ... He was very abusive. No I normally do not yell or lose my temper. I am one of those peolpe that let it build .. If I move back she will move out, she has told me this. She also told me she will take the girls with her..I can not do this to my children they are already going thru enough.
She asked me today if I let you come home will you leave me alone .. I didn't know what to say. I told her that I thought me being away from the house wasn't the problem anymore and that we needed to fix our marriage. I should have said yes ..
We talked a little this morning and I told her that I was sorry for yelling at her. She said that she was mad at me and him , Him for just slinking off to his house and making it look like there is something going on and me for seeming like I am stalking her. I really am not trying too. I just want to know the truth .. She said that she wishes both of us would just leave her alone. I fiqured it wasn't the right time to tell her that it was her that called him. When I go to the house and we talk , she thinks that I'm yelling at her or trying to make her feel bad. I'm not - I do not raise my voice, I do not say negative things (at least I try not too). If we get into a heated discussion I tell her that I don't want to fight, just talk ... again after I spoke with my wife today I left with a feeling of ... hope, despair. I asked her for a hug today and at first she said NO, but I told her I really could use one and so could she... she said no she didn't but gave me a hug anyway. She didn't pull away like the last couple of times she held on and actually gave me a hug .. ( small start? or wishful thinking ) She said that I need to show her that I've changed befor she'll think about taking me back ..

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

I am sorry for you pain.
I do not think she is being honest to you at all.
You picked up on the same comment I did. She says she wish you both would leave her alone yet it is she who calls him, it is she who communicates with him on the computer and it is she that allows him to come over to your home and talk. I am sorry but she is simply being dishonest with you.
In addition, who says she has the right to take your children and move away if you wish to return to your own home? If she wishes to totally close down to you, continue to lie to you and see the OM there is not much you can do but she does not have an automatic right to take your children from you. I strongly suggest you contact an attorney so you know your legal rights and stop her from emotionally blackmailing you. She is trying to make this your fault that she continues to lie and is the one that makes contact with the OM and have him come over to your home to talk. She is manipulating you to where you think it is your fault. Excuse me but she is married and should not be involved with another man so why is this your fault. Please contact an attorney for your own peace of mind and stop the blackmail from her and please return to your home. She does not have the automatic right to take your children.
I wish you luck.

L&C -

Plsn A is next to impossible if you are not home. GO HOME!

Ignore her threats, etc. Stop being 'clingy', stop spying, stop yelling. Be a great father to your duaghters and DON'T LB!!!

Right now you need time and no LB's for up to 3 months. JMHO (Just My Humble Opinion)...

Gib

we had a decent talk tonight on the phone , up until the end when I asked her if I was doing all of this for nothing , ( meaning trying to change and fix our marriage) she said that she already told me that I was. I went there tonight after work , around 11:30 I quess. I needed some clothes. I went to my friends first but didn't have any clean clothes so I went to the house to get some. she woke up just as I walked in the room. So it looks like I'm stalking her again ... quess I should have just put on some dirty clothes .. I did look at the caller Id when I came in so I quess I was trying to spy a little too .. She took out the caller ID so I can't see who calls anymore. My thought on this is if she isn't going to call him or he isn't going to call her then why bother taking it out? anyway .. I asked her if she had talked to him tonight .. she said NO .. can't say I believe her ..I have that in my stomache feeling again .. the one I've gotten everytime they have talked on the phone .. or he has been at my house. I don't know maybe I did just goto the house to see if he was there. It's not like I haven't put on dirty clothes befor. I think I'm losing my mind.

Honestly, I don't think your wife knows that she is having an affair. Talking about affairs with her, or telling her not to see this man will not do anything, because she is in denial about what she is doing.

The other man is meeting one or more of her needs, so she goes to him to get that need met. She doesn't see you as capable of meeting that need anymore.

I know this because I was having EA for a while, but never called it that or recognized it as such. As soon as I realized what was happening, I ended it, but my husband was still not willing to meet my needs, so it just made me feel worse.

Could you get her to fill out an emotional needs questionnaire and convince her that you are willing to meet her most important needs?

I agree, go back to your home. I don't think she would follow through with her threats, and, even if she does, you're no worse off than you are now.

Well, you really can't do PlA and live in your truck... it would be hard to appear attractive under those conditons.

The other thing is that you are listening to what she says and acting reactively. When your spouse is having an affair you cannot take what they say at face value. When it comes to you, the marriage and what they want/plan to do everything they say comes from the need to protect their addiction to the OP. It's not real and rational the way we would consider it. It's real and rational in their mindset, but they are literally under the influence.

Move back home, if she chooses to leave then so be it. I suspect she is saying that simply as intimidation to keep you away. And as Bryan and others said, let her go through the hassle of finding a place to live, that makes an affair far less fun and fantasy and far more conflicted.

Then chill a little and do not let her see you being clingy. Go about your business. Be a good dad, go to work, start doing whatever you can to help around the house. If she doesn't want direct help, then do something on your own. But be there, be present, and be calmly self assured in your home. I suspect the only needs she will let you meet right now will be that of parent and domestic support, so do a bang up job of those.

Start there for the weekend. Just that. And no arguing. Do whatever you must not to engage in an argument. In fact, I would say there should be NO discussion of your relationship at all. NONE. For the weekend, the goal is to get you back in the house and for things to stay calm. And you need to drive that bus.

C

OK I need some very strong and good advice .. so please think about what you say befor you anwser.

I have been lying in bed since 5 this morning thinking about this.. Everyone here has said go home get back in.. yesterday my wife said if I let you come back will you leave me alone ( meaning stop talking to her about fixing things ) ... I told her that wasn't the problem and we needed to work on saving our marriage.

I need some sound advice on this .. I was thinking on going back home and taking the position of seperated but living at home... I'll sleep on the couch and take things day by day ... I just don't know if she will move out or not. I'm asking you this because I can't make my mind up .. I'm too close to the problem.

Well decided that I couldn't wait for any advice even though I probably should have.. I went over to my house to pick my daughter up. My wife asked me to take garbage out because she didn't have the time to. I said sure, after I took it out she set one out on the porch , so I grabbed it and was walking it out .. the bag was half open and on the very top was a couple of packaging for a couple of new bras she bought... see I've tried to get my wife to buy some in the past but she said we didn't have the money and she would wait until we had more ... I asked her about them , she said what were you doing going thru my drawer .. I said I didn't that they were on the top of the garbage I just took out.. Again I know from her point of view that I was snooping thru the garbage or something .. she said that they were on clearance for three dollars and that I knew she needed new ones. I know she did , she also said that nobody is seeing then .. including me.
I asked her why she got rid of the caller ID, she said she was tired of me looking at it to see who called. I said if you have nothing to hide then why bother. She said she had nothing to hide. I love my wife and want to trust her but all of these things are .. I don't know. Maybe because I'm looking for an affair that I'm finding things that could add up to one. Maybe it is all in my head and by telling her these things that I'm driving her farther away.

I told my wife that what she said about me moving me back in and not talking about the problems. I told her that I'm going to move back in and she said that if I did that she would wait until the girls fell asleep and then go stay at her moms at night.. then come back in morning .. I said NO, you can sleep in the bedroom and I'll sleep on the couch . she said NO .. then she said that she is still filing for the divorce.. I said why can't you open your heart to me ..she just gave me a look . I said if you just give me a chance to show you that I'm not the same man.. she responded with it's only been a week there is no way .. I told her sometimes when a person has life altering things happen that they can change .. she just walked away. Maybe I shouldn't move back in maybe I should just give her more space and not talk to her for a while .. I am not the same person from two weeks ago when she first started this .. I see where and what I did wrong and I am to blame for it .. If she would only stop hating me and take a good look. L&C

I've been reading your post since it started. I want to tell you that i am the WW and I am coming from that perspective. Anything I tell you, just know that I am telling you from that perspective.

When I told my H about my A, I told him I needed space. Now, at the time I said that, truthfully, I wanted the space so I could be free to do what I wanted (though I don't think I consciously knew it then - only in retrospect do I know this). I think I thought the A wouldn't last long and I could "get it out of my system" then move on with my H.

Anyway, I think if my H had been less accomodating (he made it REAL easy for the A to go on), I think the A would have ended long ago. Understand that I am not saying it is his fault, but what I am saying is that I wanted my H to fight for me after ignoring me for so long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I move back she will move out, she has told me this. She also told me she will take the girls with her..I can not do this to my children they are already going thru enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She might move out, but what is the difference between her moving out and you moving out? If you move out, she has EVERYTHING. If she moves out, she can't just "take the kids" - you need to tell her if she goes, then she goes without them. Then YOU have EVERYTHING (well, almost).

Also, if/when you do move back in, I would just sleep in yal's bed like usual...if she wants to sleep on the couch, fine. Don't let her have her way about everything. FIGHT FOR YOUR WIFE. She'll eventually see that you care. She's probably just angry from the past still and has her guard up.

I'll tell you this: throughout my A, I never have wanted a divorce. I just want my H to make me important to him - I want to be his treasure.

Anyway, these are just feelings and experiences from a WW. GOod luck.