Cerri -
yes yes yes no yes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry was in a mood... ok
#1. Are you back in your house?

yes

#2. Is your wife still there?

Oh he!! yes and reminds me everyday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

(Although I have to admit I still like seeing her everyday .. Just all the fights she trys to start)

#3. Is she still seeing the OM?

See above anwser! She says there is no reason for her to stop seeing OM because in the end it is not going to make a difference. That we ARE getting divorced. She isn't "seeing" him but is talking with him and somehow they keep trading off letters.. haven't fiqured that one out yet. I'm thinking either the other neighbor is helping with that or maybe leaving it in mail box.. not that it matters just a intellectual curiousity.

#4. If she says she is not, have there been any accountability steps taken?

She says it is over but then again .. she said it before. I know it's not, they have just been more careful in what they are doing.. I know she is calling him from her moms and work .. she went out and bought a bunch of prepaid calling cards.
I went and spoke with his Boss ( I used to work with him ) his boss is a mininite and is very religious. He is VERY big on family values and was very upset about it and was going to fire OM .. I told him that is not what I wanted I just wanted to see if he would talk with OM about it .. that way I could try and work things out with my wife without him in the picture.. Don't think it worked .. only for two days maybe.. although I don't know if they have had contact as of latley and she started writing him a letter starting with .. I just wanted to let you know.. then she stopped writing it. She had written another letter to him and never gave it to him because I read it and I think she felt quilty .. who knows.. anyways sorry .. NO not really
She says she has told her family. NOT all of them just the ones I think will support her ..

#5.Has anyone filed?

She went down and filed.. OK OK I know burn me now and get it over with ... we filed joint ( it was that or she said she would take the kids )
I can't stand the thought of being without my children..

Dude, you need legal council, ASAP! You need to be educated on your rights as they pertain to the kids. Don't assume or guess, get the real deal. I paid a $35 consultation fee and wound up talking to the guy for an hour and a half! He had some great info on getting custody and doing the right thing for your kids during all this.

I did go and talk to a lawyer. He gave me about half an hour for free. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I told him thank you for the time but that I wasn't ready to go for the throat so to speak. At least I know what some options are..

OK new and strange evolution of this ... My WS came home yesterday from picking our daughter up from school. We talked small talk .. she had asked me what my mother thought about all of this ( the A.) I told her that she knew about the D. but not the other thing ( A.) She looked at me and started crying.. really crying. She told me how sorry she was and I walked over and comforted her.. told her it was ok. she said the way she figured it we had four months to figure all of this out .. that she has noticed all the changes I've made in myself and around the house. That she does love me. She then told me that our youngest daughter had clinged to her when she dropped her off at Preschool and that when she picked her up that she asked if daddy was at home .. my Wife said yes.. She asked why ? My daughter said because he'll just leave after you get there.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My daughter is only 4.
So it was what my daughter said to her that made her realize what she has been doing.

Now - I'm glad that the conflict and fighting has seemed to stop .. but I'm not sure if she is being sneaky or really feels that way. She said that she isn't saying we can fix things and she didn't even really say we can try .. she just doesn't want to fight anymore. And I don't either.
She did say that contact with om has pretty much stopped. She said that they were passing notes back and forth and calling once and a while. (which I already knew.) She said she hasn't even done that latley. Honesty at last <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She did say that if we were going to fix things we both needed to start being honest with eachother.. SOOO true!

So what do you guys think?

Ps: We watched a movie together and actually sat on the same couch in the same room ..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know a movie isn't quality time together .. but has to start somewhere.

<<< Speacial note to cerri - NO I'M NOT TRUSTING HER >> thought I'd throw that in before I got burned about it.

Hey L&C-
How old are your kids?

Mine are 4 and 2, I picked them up from W today after work. My 4 yo was crying because he didn't want to leave his Mommy. Man that was tough on me to see, looked as though it had absolutley no impact oon her whatsoever. I just can't understand how she could do this to them.

Sorry to be whinning on your thread here, just wondering about your kids.

My children are 4 and 6
OK - I went in our van and was looking for a couple of kids tapes ( my children are always asking me to play a kids song when I have them ) I found a hand held radio - so she can talk to OM with out using phone I assume..I don't know if it was in there before or not .. I did look in there one other time and might have missed it. ( when I was actually snooping looking for the affair.) Why can't she just be honest? Does she really think I won't find these things? Does She really care? Why does she have to do this to us ? Why can't she see the pain and hurt she is causing to me and the children? God I love this Woman.. but I'm getting tired of this. It is so hard being in love with someone that doesn't love you back or is in love with someone else.
We watched a movie last night again.. this time in the bedroom . She was laying on the bed and so was I .. she kept her distance the whole time and I touched her arm and she shruged me off. I asked her if it made her nervouse that I was lying in bed with her and she said yes sort of.. we've lied in bed together for ten years .. how am I supposed to just forget?
She said again that we had a bunch of things to fix before the four months are up .. meaning financial, children .. us ( maybe )
I told her I wanted to sell the house and move to start fresh. To rebuild our lives .. she just looked at me and gave me a small smile.
This is really tearing me apart inside .. I've been better about not showing it in front of her but when I do that I come across as crabby or angry .. I'm not, just hurting. When she ask me what is wrong I say nothing and give her a little smile. I wish this was all just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up soon.

She got rid of all the papers and letters she had from him. She has been giving me times she'll be home and what she is doing in the next couple of days. I never asked her for them. She said she didn't want me to think she is being sneaky or up to anything with OM. What am I to think? Am I just being paranoid?

As I was leaving for work on friday my WW came up to me and said have fun at work tonight.. I said "yea" kind of sarcastically .. not meaning too. She looked at me and said " no I'm serious" Then she said " I am trying" I said are you? She said yes.. then she said I'm not promissing anything.. what does that mean? How am I supposed to interpet this? She wants to try and save our marriage? I told her that I think that it's great that she wants to try .. and left for work.
Saturday - I had to goto a wedding and asked her if she wanted to come with. She said she would think about it...then she actually came I didn't think she would .. I quess her sister talked her into going. It was great to have her and the children come. She was very distant and seemed cold towards me.. She left before the dance started. She was mad at me when she left because the mother of the bride was trying to keep her there. She thought that I had something to do with it. (I didn't) I do wish she would have stayed. I can understand though why she left, She was feeling uncomfortable because it was alot of my friends there and she thinks that they all know .. they don't .. I didn't tell any of them.

I did walk out to her vehicle and help her get the children in. We talked a little .. she said she was just tired. I told her thank you for coming and gave her a kiss on the cheek (after asking if I could) she held my hand for about a min. and said good night then left.

She has ED from me and I know I'm supposed to but it is SOOOO hard too. I am trying more and more .. I don't know what to think at this point. Should I ask her what she is thinking as far as the trying goes? Should I tell her I want a no contact letter sent to OM? She says she hasn't talked with him. I don't know if it is to early for that yet. She is still on the fence as far as even wanting to work things out.

The other problem is that his Child comes over to play with my children. I have to say I don't like it but it's not fair to my children if I say they can't play with OM child. He sends food over with her once and a while. Should I tell my WW that I don't like that ? It's only food but I think he does it to make me upset.
anyway I hope that everyones weekend went good for them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey L&C, how is it going? Glad you've had a couple of good days. My WW was like that too just before plan B. I've heard that when a WS is straddling the fence and trying to decide between the M or the OP, it's time for plan B. I think those are Dr. Harley's words. Anyway, I know how you feel. This is the time when you really need the emotional detachment. You can't base your sense of hope on anything she says, even if it's good. I'm not trying to discourage you, this is just what I've been told.

I also understand what you are saying about OM's kids. Is he married? If so, does his W know? Maybe she should. Anyway, my WW's OM has a 7 yo daughter who just adores my W. She comes over all the time and gives my W big hugs and invites us over to OM's house for get togethers. I just want to smack that little girl, but of course she has no idea what is really going on. It just makes me angry, that WW can't set up any boundries. I don't think you would be out of line telling your kids not to play with OM's kids. You have a concern over the highly questionable character of their father. Isn't it our jobs as parents to look out for these types of things and keep our kids away from it. I especially would not let my kids over to his house, no way in hell!!! In fact, WW and I got into a fairly big fight about that a couple of weeks ago. Another one where she was going to call the cops...because I wouldn't let her take our 4 yo to a football party where there was drinking and virtually no supervision of the kids...oh and by the way she is having an A with the guy!!! I'd have loved to see her explain that to the police!!! That fog ya know...amazing.

Hang in there, Good Luck!

well I think I blew it - my WW and I had a HUGE blow out last night .. she told me this morning that I did have a chance but not anymore.

I way over reacted ( I know I'm not supposed too ) too a letter that she was trying to smuggle out of the house to OM's. I grabbed the letter and all He!! broke out from there. I know I should have just let her take it and go but .. just that morning she said that she wasn't talking or sending letters anymore and that she wanted to try and fix things.
I don't know why I got so upset. I feel hopeless. I tried to talk with her about it this morning but she didn't want to. I think everything I worked for and actually gained ground in just went out the window. I was doing so good at not LBing and we were actually talking. She told me yesterday morning that if things stayed the way they were that she wouldn't be opposed to working out our marriage. Why ? Why am I so stupid? I know that I can't change things at the moment except to make them worse ( which I have ).
She was trying to take our children out of the house with her and I wouldn't let her .. I told her if she wanted to leave that was fine but not with them.
She was saying so many mean things that I finally lost my temper and yelled back at her .. I tried not too. I tried walking away but she kept following me. I didn't want to leave because I knew she would take the children.
any suggestions on how I might beable to fix this?

Was it a letter to the OM? If it was, don't be sorry, she made an agreement to to contact the OM and she was going to. She is angry because she was caught again.

After reading the letter that OM gave her there was a statement in there about "I hope that the Big talk goes Ok" - Now the only "Big Talk" we have had was the one about her trying and thinking about working it out. We had that on Monday morning.. He wrote the note on Sunday night.I think it was all smoke cover trying to get me to settle down. When we talked about everything on Monday morning she never actually did commit to making our marriage work she said she wanted to fix things .. Get new jobs, pay off some bills, ect ect .. she never did commit to working on us.

L&C,

I am going to go out on a limb here or maybe not. From just reading your threads it seems as long as you "behave" then your W is o.k. with things. She'll even dangling the preverbial carrot in front of you.

Sometimes as a BS it is really hard to walk that line between LB'ing and being a doormat. I think your wife realizes that she can pretty much control you with little morsels of hope.

I don't know what advice to give you, I fell into the doormat thing myself.

JMO....

God Bless

My WS has gone back to acting the way she did before she told me that she wanted to try.. She called OM the other night and I confronted her about it she said it was none of my business and that she can do whatever she wanted. I told her your right and left the room.

I didn't know what else to do so I went right back into plan A after our fight on Monday. I had to work a fancy dinner and she asked if I would bring her home some food from there (she had to work) I did ask her to come to it. I did bring her some desert and chocolates. ( trying to be as nice as possible.)

She says she hates me and that she wants me to move out. Same day she went and bought me a couple of new pairs of pants ( because of the weight I've lost none of mine fit very well anymore.) Why ? Why would she go and buy me these if she hates me? I know the hate me thing is Fog talk.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what else to do ..

You and me both brother. This really sucks doesn't it. My W seems to be going back and forth a little as well. I don't know, I seem to be in this horrible combination of plans A and B and have lost all direction.

Hang in there, take care of your self, Good Luck!

My WW and I talked a little tonight.. the problem I have is I can't really tell if it is the A. or the other things that are wrong with our marriage that she wants the D for. She says it is the other things and that she will NOT give me another chance because of the fight we had on Monday.. She said she has never seen me like that befor.. and she hasn't .. I really lost my temper and paitience with everything. All the pain and frustration and anger all hit me and came out in that one moment.

So .. I'm not sure what to do. She has no problem flaunting the fact that she is talking to this OM. She says it is just talking and harmless and that I have no right telling her who she can and can not talk to because we filed for D. She says
why can't I just give up on her and walk away..
I told her because I love her and want to work things out .. and that even though she is "just talking" it is still an A.

She said as long as she isn't doing it in front of the kids anymore that it is none of my business.

L&C

I'm sorry man, this sucks. I know how it feels to have it thrown in your face like this. Remeber, my WW told me she was sleeping over at OM's house the other night. As a matter of fact, she is over there right now having a bon fire with him and his friends. I looked out the window to see what was going on, she called on somebodies cell phone (I didn't recognize the number) to yell at me for looking out the window. She accuused me of video taping out the window. I wasn't and started laughing at her. She said it was none of my business what she was doing, I told her that she was my wife and I wanted her to stop acting like a whore...then I hung up on her. Oops, I guess that would qualify as a major LB, wouldn't it?

Like you, i've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my cool, but I momentarily snapped. I would never, ever have called her anything like that before all this. And, I'm sure, you would never have blown up at your W like you did prior to all of this. My WW says the same crap about her actions being none of my business. I just tell her that she is still my W, and until a judge pronounces us happily divorced it was my business.

It really sucks that the women we love have turned into the type of people capable of acting this way. What have we ever done to be treated this way? I know in my case my WW told me that I worked to much, was always too busy for her. Fine, I get it, and I know she is deeply hurt by it. But it isn't like I was out partying with the guys, no i was trying to earn a living so that my family could be comfortable. I'm not saying that my focus wasn't in the wrong place. Obviously the extra money isn't worth all of this. But hell, I had good intentions. Now I get this in return. This sucks. I'm sure it was about the same for you...I would guess that since our stories are almost identicle.

Anyway, hang in there. It is only the fog talking, this isn't your wife. She may look like your wife and talk like your wife, but it isn't her. Your wife is sick and addicted. She knows not what she is doing to you or your kids or most of all...herself. I had a revalation the other day on my ranting thread about standing by my W during all this. Check it out, i think it was kinda profound...at least for me it was. It had a lot to do with the vows and what they mean. Just because my W has lost her way doesn't mean I can throw all the vows out the window. She needs me to be strong more now than ever, and i cannot abandon her in her time of greatest need. Something like that anyway. This was after she slapped me, some folks were trying to tell me it was time to let her go.

Anyway, I just try to remember those types of things. They tend to get me thru the tougher times. And, I pray ALOT!!!, just about every second of the day I pray for her and my family. I can only hope, at this point, that God will guide my W out of the fog before it is too late. Stay strong and take care of yourself and the kids. They need you ya know. Give me a shout if you want to vent or talk, I don't have the kids after tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be chacking the boards often. I opened a hotmail account also, the address is www.evilhvac@hotmail.com. Drop me a line there if you need to say something that you don't want to be so public here. I've had some trouble logging in to hotmail from home, but I'll keep trying.

Good Luck!

I do know the feeling .. all too well actually. I keep asking myself why do I keep putting myself through this?

Last night my Wife went to the neighbors with my children .. I called at 8:30 to tuck them in and tell them goodnight. They were not there. I kept calling and finally at 11:00 she anwsered half in the bag. They had just got home .. I got upset and told her that she shouldn't have the kids out so late. She hung up on me. I called back and she said what do you want? I told her to put the children on.

This morning I asked my daughter if she had fun last night .. she said yes and then she said that his daughter OM's daugter was over there and so was he.. and that him and mommy were in the garage together.. Now in our divorce it states that he is NOT supposed to be any where near my children while the divorce is going on. I told my wife this morning that I'm going to go to the court house and file a contempt of court against her and a restraining order against him and that if he or his daughter comes on our property again that I'm going to have him put in jail.

She just acted all smug and laughed at me.. If she only knew that I'm serious .. I know it isn't going to help my situation with her and it will probably end whatever chance I had at fixing our marriage. But it's time she realizes that she needs to be responsible around our children.. I do love her .. but my children need to come first.

Am I over reacting here? I just can't help it she isn't being a responsible adult .. her going to see him and drinking come first .. I don't know maybe I'm just upset that she was with him again.

Ps: I don't think you need the www. in front of your email and that might be why your having problems..

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

L&C

I'm having problems logging into hotmail from my home computer. I'm at my office right now and it works just fine. I think my home PC is so virus ridden that it only works at about half of its capabilities. I think I'm gonna trash it and get a laptop.

Hey, good move on your part with the terms in the divorce decree. I'd enforce them to the hilt. When my W slapped me and I called the cops, I had the same thoughts about it being damaging to any hope of recovery. I talked to Jenn a day or so later and she told me that is exactly what I should have done. WW needs to know her boundries and would have done the same thing if the tables were turned. I suspect if you were having the A, your wife would turn you in and have you OW arrested. I think you should go for it. At least file a complaint, get it on record. It will probably do you good in the event of a custody battle, why not stack the deck in your favor?

I know all to well about the WW putting OM and drinking ahead of being a responsible wife and mother. My WW did that all summer. At first I thought it was just annoying and that it would kinda die on its own. Not so my friend. Like I said, she was out there last night till who knows how long...I took twice the dose off sleeping pills and hid under the covers so that I wouldn't be able to hear what was going on over there. Anyway, she had to work at 9 am this morning and her car wasn't over at OM's last night while she was. At 8:50 am this morning OM left his house like a bat outta hell, I'm assuming that WW slept over there and needed a ride to work.

It makes you wonder how you could have been so wrong about her, how you could have chosen someone like this to bear your children doesn't it. I just keep telling myself that she is sick, she is addicted, this isn't my W. Usually it helps.

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

Well my WW did the same thing again last night took the children to the neighbors house and had a party. This time she didn't come home until 12:15 .. The kids apparently fell asleep at the neighbors house .. and she and OM carried them home.

I'm torn between if I should go and file a contempt of court and a temp custody order or if I should wait and see what happens this week. I am so mad and angry at her at this moment. We talked earlier and she said she knows that I hate her. I told her that I didn't that I love her and want her to come back to our marriage. Any sugestions? I don't know if I should play hard ball and kick her out or keep in plan A ..

I am sitting here at the moment watching a movie called "The price of a broken heart" It is a movie about a guy having an A and the wife goes after the person he has the A with .. sues her for alientation of affection law.

I've already looked into this but wisconsin doesn't have it anymore. The OM my WW is with has broken up three marriages already.

I know I shouldn't watch this movie but can't help it.

Well, for what it is worth, I think you need to go to plan B. Now, I have had more than my share of troubles with plan B. It is NOT easy, believe me. But, if things keep on like they are your LB will be broke in no time, then what? If this guy has broken up three marriages already, it sounds like this is a game to him. If that is the case, he may lose interest if he has the idea that you are no longer going to fight for her and he can have her. Just a thought. In any event, you know this isn't good for your kids or you.

Think of it as tough love. If your WW was addicted to heroine, youd do everything you could to help her stop, right? But after awhile, youd have to look after the best interest of you and your kids. You'd have to tell her that you love her, but if she is going to do this she has to do it elsewhere. This is just hurting you and the kids. When she hits rock bottom and wants to kick the habit and start recovery, the door is open. Until then, she needs to leave. That is tough love.

I often think of my W in these terms. She is an addict. She would never intentionally cause me or the kids harm, but the addiction is getting in the way. When she hits rock bottom, I'm here for her. Until then I can't be. Granted, this is alot harder than it sounds. You have no idea how tough it is to just watch her go on and self destruct like this. You instintively want to save her and fix this for her. But you can't. It is REALLY hard, trust me. But it sounds like it may be time for that.

Also, to continue the analogy, if your W and this OM were drug addicts you would do ANYTHING possible to protect your klds from it right...!?!?! Of course you would. I'd file the contempt complaint. Maybe wait on the temp custody, but take a more active role withthe daily care of the kids. Where are you living right now? Maybe the kids could live with you. I'm not sure how it is viewed for you to kick her out of the house. I had much the same plan and got roasted on it a couple of times here. In my case, WW moved out on her own. But I was thinking of kicking her out anyway.

Take care, Good Luck!

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

I told my WW that I did not want OM near our children again. She asked me what the difference would be between now and three months from now.

I said your married and your being a bad mother in front of your children by being with him because of it.

We are both still living in the same house. She will not move and neither will I.