I wrote a few days ago and said I really screwed up. I found $76.00 in my husbands billfold Thursday night. Well, I confronted him about it. He was upset with me for snooping. I can't help it. I just found out about the affair two weeks ago. We had a long talk after I told him I found it. Well, as of Saturday, he only had $7.00 of it left. He spent almost $70.00 and he told me he doesn't want to itemize how he spent it. I didn't push it. The thing I am worried about is that he went and stayed in a motel with the other woman who is 9 years older than him and 11 years older than me. I asked him if he bought me a present for Christmas and of course he said he didn't. Well, I figured that much. I am just afraid he spent it on the other woman. I have no proof at this time though. He had to work with her all day Friday. They had to sit in the quality assurance booth all day together. He bought more gum also. Something he never did until he started seeing the other woman. He still wears cologne to work. Something he only used to wear for me. We had a good weekend together. Last night we talked about our future. He wants to go back to school for web design. He is now willing to move. That would mean we will be moving back closer to our families. That also means he would quit working with the other woman. I am trying to hold it all together. I just can't stand, standing by and being sure that he is still seeing her. He also wrote a $25.00 check for cash on Monday. I am guessing they went to a motel again. I can't take this!!! He still says he wants to stay with me. I told him I was scared and that I didn't feel like I had a chance with him. He said he was surprised that I would say I didn't feel like I had a chance with him. I don't know. I tried not to talk about the affair at all. I just hate it because I feel like he is getting let off the hook. Which, makes me afraid that he will think it is really ok to continue with the affair. I have told him that it has to end. He said it has. I just don't believe him yet. Well, I need to get to work! I hope somebody out there has some good advice for me today because I need it!!! Thanks! Woozy

Woozy- I wish i had some sort of advice oe something for ya. I just wanted to let you know it does suck- and sometimes i think we all get this way. it is a bumpy ride.<BR>how are you holding up ? eat/sleep?

Dear Woozy,<P>I am sorry that you are going through this "he!!" during the holiday season.<P>Could your husband have used the $70.00 for a X-mas gift for you? Is it feasable? It would certainly explain why he didn't want to tell you how he spent the money.<P>He sounds as though he is willing to do so much for your marriage to make it work such as; moving away from OW, going back to school for web design, discussing issues of the marriage.<P>Try not to LB. Let him know about your insecurities and discuss them as much as you need to, but try to be pleasant, because you don't have hard proof that anything really is still happening between H and OW. You do, however, need to discuss your feelings about the affair. This is important for the healing process. He needs to tell you as much as you need to hear. <P>This is the season where a lot of people spend a lot of money for different reasons. Why do you think that your H spent time at a hotel with Ow? Was there a lot of unaccountable time?<P>Infidelity sucks!!! You and your H could probably use some counseling so that this affair thing never happens again to the two of you. <P>Dr. Harley's web sites are a great wealth of information. My husband and I found the stuff to be invaluable to our recovery.<P>Good luck. I do hope that you are wrong about all this stuff.

First let me say, we have all been there or are there now! The only friend is the calendar. Can I ask why your H would not buy you anything for Christmas? Does the OW know that he is married and does she know that you know about their affair?

Here is my reply to some of the questions... I know my husband didn't buy me a Christmas present. I asked him if he did and he said he wished he had. We have gotten into the bad habit of not buying gifts for eachother since we had children. We always get something big in the fall and then we consider that our Christmas gift to eachother. So, I am still wondering how he spent at least $50.00 in less than two days. I know he spent some of it on me Friday night as we went out to eat. BUT, he only spent $10.00 in cash. He paid with a check for the rest. The other woman knows he is married. He tells her all about our sex life. That is only because she started telling him about her sex life. She is in the process of getting a divorce. She has gotten her own apartment but she has a sixteen year old daughter who still lives with her. My husband has told me that he doesn't want to spend his life with this woman. BUT, he sure did have fun having sex with her. He cannot deny that and he hasn't even tried to deny it. That hurts. He said he told her that I know and he also told me that he told her that they couldn't see eachother anymore. The thing is, he still works with her. The first time he had sex with her was in the women's bathroom where they work. The door has a lock on it so that is how they got away with it. I wish to God someone had caught them. Anyway, he says he would never do that again. Have sex in the bathroom that is. BUT, I still don't know if they actually work all the time they say they do. I am keeping track of his hours so that I can match them against his pay stub. He is home on time every night since I found out. The thing I am having a hard time with is the fact that they do still work together. At times they have to work quite closely together and in situations where no one else is around them really. So, they are still having conversations and everything. This is not helping him to get over the affair if you ask me. It really bothers me because we were a pretty happy married couple. According to the way my husband says he talks to people he works with, they all know that. He said the ow told him she couldn't believe he had sex with her. She could believe she did but not that he did. She is an absolute slut. She cheated on her first husband and divorced him and married the man she was cheating with. She is now cheating on her second husband. She is divorcing him also. She told my husband that she was a slut in high school. How absolutely darling. That is sick. What really makes me mad is that the only man I have ever had sex with is my husband. I didn't feel the need to run around and screw any man that could walk. Then, he goes out and finds himself an admitted slut. That is so special! I am no prude in bed either. We have great sex and he is the first to admit that. SO, he doesn't even have that excuse! I guess he likes variety in women. Well, he can't have that as long as I am his wife! He didn't come out and say that. Actually, I think he hit a very low point in his life. He said he reached a point where he just didn't care about anything anymore. Well, we all have days like that but we don't run out and look for the first slut that makes themselves available to us! YES, I am just a little angry here. This is still pretty fresh for me. I have known for a little over two weeks now. It just breaks my heart that my husband couldn't come and talk to me about how he was feeling in his life. It devastates me that he had to go out and have an affair. I love the fact that the woman is 11 years older than me. She is 41. I am 30. My husband is 32. What a screwed up mess. The ow's soon to be ex, suspects that she is seeing someone and he suspects that it is my husband. He told her that he was going to call me and tell me. Well, he hasn't called yet. He must have given up on it. I have half a mind to call the man myself and tell him what I know. BUT, I am going to be the bigger person and not go that route! I just hate it that I feel like I have to work so hard at saving this marriage. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around my husband. That is really not right as far as I am concerned! He is just sort of along for the ride. That is how I feel. Yes, he is trying to get other facets of his life in order. But, he needs to remember that we can't really pretend that this didn't happen. That is kind of what he would like to do. Just sweep it under the rug. Well, that just doesn't work. He won't get counseling due to the fact that he had to when his parents divorced. That was one of the worst experiences in his life. So, now, I am being punished for that. NOT FAIR!!! I guess I better stop! I have so many things going through my head right now! What I hate the most is how he protects the ow. I told him that he can't do that. I told him that I see the ow as the enemy! I have truly been very nice about the whole thing. I have not said too many hateful things. I think the worst I called her to his face was a tramp. It just sucks that is all!!! It is so hard. I keep thinking back to the time when I was a happy wife. I love my husband dearly and everyone knows it. Then, he does this. This is just such a shock to me! Well, my son is going to be home from school soon. I need to get my act together and do housework and pay attention to my wonderful boys! One came home sick from school today. That was sad as I was supposed to go to the other ones Christmas program. I didn't get to go as I had to stay home with the sick one. I tried to call a neighbor to see if she would watch him but she wasn't home! I didn't have anyone else to go in my place. My husband had to work today. My son is going to be very sad when he gets home. ARGHHHHH!!!! There is no end! I feel just terrible about it! Woozy By the way, I am eating and sleeping fine now! In fact, I am eating too much as we keep having holiday get togethers! I must not eat so much! I am looking pretty good right now and I don't want to blow it!

Here is my reply to some of the questions... I know my husband didn't buy me a Christmas present. I asked him if he did and he said he wished he had. We have gotten into the bad habit of not buying gifts for eachother since we had children. We always get something big in the fall and then we consider that our Christmas gift to eachother. So, I am still wondering how he spent at least $50.00 in less than two days. I know he spent some of it on me Friday night as we went out to eat. BUT, he only spent $10.00 in cash. He paid with a check for the rest. The other woman knows he is married. He tells her all about our sex life. That is only because she started telling him about her sex life. She is in the process of getting a divorce. She has gotten her own apartment but she has a sixteen year old daughter who still lives with her. My husband has told me that he doesn't want to spend his life with this woman. BUT, he sure did have fun having sex with her. He cannot deny that and he hasn't even tried to deny it. That hurts. He said he told her that I know and he also told me that he told her that they couldn't see eachother anymore. The thing is, he still works with her. The first time he had sex with her was in the women's bathroom where they work. The door has a lock on it so that is how they got away with it. I wish to God someone had caught them. Anyway, he says he would never do that again. Have sex in the bathroom that is. BUT, I still don't know if they actually work all the time they say they do. I am keeping track of his hours so that I can match them against his pay stub. He is home on time every night since I found out. The thing I am having a hard time with is the fact that they do still work together. At times they have to work quite closely together and in situations where no one else is around them really. So, they are still having conversations and everything. This is not helping him to get over the affair if you ask me. It really bothers me because we were a pretty happy married couple. According to the way my husband says he talks to people he works with, they all know that. He said the ow told him she couldn't believe he had sex with her. She could believe she did but not that he did. She is an absolute slut. She cheated on her first husband and divorced him and married the man she was cheating with. She is now cheating on her second husband. She is divorcing him also. She told my husband that she was a slut in high school. How absolutely darling. That is sick. What really makes me mad is that the only man I have ever had sex with is my husband. I didn't feel the need to run around and screw any man that could walk. Then, he goes out and finds himself an admitted slut. That is so special! I am no prude in bed either. We have great sex and he is the first to admit that. SO, he doesn't even have that excuse! I guess he likes variety in women. Well, he can't have that as long as I am his wife! He didn't come out and say that. Actually, I think he hit a very low point in his life. He said he reached a point where he just didn't care about anything anymore. Well, we all have days like that but we don't run out and look for the first slut that makes themselves available to us! YES, I am just a little angry here. This is still pretty fresh for me. I have known for a little over two weeks now. It just breaks my heart that my husband couldn't come and talk to me about how he was feeling in his life. It devastates me that he had to go out and have an affair. I love the fact that the woman is 11 years older than me. She is 41. I am 30. My husband is 32. What a screwed up mess. The ow's soon to be ex, suspects that she is seeing someone and he suspects that it is my husband. He told her that he was going to call me and tell me. Well, he hasn't called yet. He must have given up on it. I have half a mind to call the man myself and tell him what I know. BUT, I am going to be the bigger person and not go that route! I just hate it that I feel like I have to work so hard at saving this marriage. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around my husband. That is really not right as far as I am concerned! He is just sort of along for the ride. That is how I feel. Yes, he is trying to get other facets of his life in order. But, he needs to remember that we can't really pretend that this didn't happen. That is kind of what he would like to do. Just sweep it under the rug. Well, that just doesn't work. He won't get counseling due to the fact that he had to when his parents divorced. That was one of the worst experiences in his life. So, now, I am being punished for that. NOT FAIR!!! I guess I better stop! I have so many things going through my head right now! What I hate the most is how he protects the ow. I told him that he can't do that. I told him that I see the ow as the enemy! I have truly been very nice about the whole thing. I have not said too many hateful things. I think the worst I called her to his face was a tramp. It just sucks that is all!!! It is so hard. I keep thinking back to the time when I was a happy wife. I love my husband dearly and everyone knows it. Then, he does this. This is just such a shock to me! Well, my son is going to be home from school soon. I need to get my act together and do housework and pay attention to my wonderful boys! One came home sick from school today. That was sad as I was supposed to go to the other ones Christmas program. I didn't get to go as I had to stay home with the sick one. I tried to call a neighbor to see if she would watch him but she wasn't home! I didn't have anyone else to go in my place. My husband had to work today. My son is going to be very sad when he gets home. ARGHHHHH!!!! There is no end! I feel just terrible about it! Woozy By the way, I am eating and sleeping fine now! In fact, I am eating too much as we keep having holiday get togethers! I must not eat so much! I am looking pretty good right now and I don't want to blow it!

woozy<BR>Your situation is so similiar to mine. However,my H insist he did not have sex. It was only phone conversations. He does still work with her, he is her boss. He does defend her, by saying she needed someone to talk to about her marriage, she was hurting and he was only trying to help,..... and admitted to it going to far. He took her to eat out ??maybe twice and kissed her twice "like kissing his mom/sister" no big deal. She was upset and he was trying to tell her they really did not need to talk to each other any more SURESURE anyway. He keeps telling me I am making to much out of this. I need to just let it go. But he is doing things that make me feel like you UNCERTAIN of our relationship. In Sept he had the detail turned off of his phone bill, In Oct I insisted he get it turned back on, THis last phone bill I cannot find. He has hidden it I guess it was not in the trash. I had some very suspecious incoming calls. VERy questionable. <P>All I can say is I do understand. All I do is wait and hope it all comes to a head. <BR>God Bless You<BR>

woozy,<P>If you husband say the affair is over... have him <B>with your help</B> write a letter finalizing the break from the other woman! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> so that is why it is recommended to write such a letter.. to tell a lover that the relationship is over (letter on page 58-59 o SAA)...<P>Make sure you both work on the letter...<BR>Make sure your H <B>doesn't deliver</B> the letter... but someone you both trust! You don't want your husband to make changes...<P>If they are still working closely together... it is definitely problematic...<P>When they no longer work together... things should get easier... <P>Please do keep on venting here...<BR>It's OK...<BR>We expect it... <BR>We know it is important to do...<P>But... try and keep up with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Prayers coming your way... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Woozy...that OW sounds like an absolute slut-skum-trash! I really hope that your H bought you a present and is trying to surprise you with it.<P>It sounds like your H needs to be more accountable for money. I don't think it helps that he works with OW. That's good that he is looking for a job elsewhere. But, as long as he works with OW, it will be difficult to work on your marriage.<P>I also have that great fear...of my H buying the OW a x-mas present. He secretly bought her 2 presents in February & March (which I found out about...he was stupid and paid for them by check...I guess that was good because that's how I caught him). Although we have been in 9 months of recovery, I don't trust him because she contacted him right after Thanksgiving, and he fell into her trap. Boy, does it scare me!<P>Trying_to_4give mentioned that the calendar is on our side. I think she is right....TIME. However, like I said earlier, your H needs to be accountable not only for his time, but for finances too. I'm sure you won't have peace of mind until he itemizes what he did with that $70. Can you explain to him, in a calm way, how important it is that he itemize this for you?