My W is unhappy right know, or at least she seems to think she is. She has become emotionally involved with someone who is also un happy in their marriage. She is talking about moving out adn has already gotten a lease on an apartment very close to OM. I have tried everything I know how to do to save this. I understand that this is a 2 way street and she needs to be willing to give up OM and work on the M for this to work. She is unwilling and continues to blame the problem we have on "herself."
I know if OM was not in picture she would at least have more of a reason to work on this.
I feel like I should contact OM's wife. I also feel as though I should contact him. I figure what do I have to lose. She has already decided to get another place.
Would this deposit to many LBs or could it help?
We have been to gether for 10 years m arried for 6. I do not want to lose my W. I can no longer feel this way.

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Luvherstill ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Luvherstill:
<strong>My W is unhappy right know, or at least she seems to think she is. She has become emotionally involved with someone who is also un happy in their marriage. She is talking about moving out adn has already gotten a lease on an apartment very close to OM. I have tried everything I know how to do to save this. I understand that this is a 2 way street and she needs to be willing to give up OM and work on the M for this to work. She is unwilling and continues to blame the problem we have on "herself."
I know if OM was not in picture she would at least have more of a reason to work on this.
I feel like I should contact OM's wife. I also feel as though I should contact him. I figure what do I have to lose. She has already decided to get another place.
Would this deposit to many LBs or could it help?
We have been to gether for 10 years m arried for 6. I do not want to lose my W. I can no longer feel this way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you should contact the OM's wife. Tell her what you know and how you know it. Make sure she know that you want to save your marriage... she may have heard all kinds of things to the contrary if she knows and has confronter her H.

Have you told YOUR wife what you know, how you know it and how you feel about her R with this man? You need to do that, calmly, with courtesy and respect.

Then you need to talk to your family and friends and anyone else who may have influence over her. Tell them the same things and ask them to encourage her to end the R with this guy and to recommit to your marriage.

While you are doing those things you need to be looking at her issues with the marriage. What kinds of things has she complained about over th years? Particularly pre-affair?

Those are the basic elements of PlA. If you don't have Surviving an Affair then I would suggest you get it asap.

You can also call the radio show 1pmCT Mondays and Thursdays and ask Dr. Harley for his input. The number is 888.332.5169, call just before 1 to make sure you get in.

But yes, tell. Today. Now.

C

bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have told my W that I know. I also have toldher that all of our friends know what is going on. She I think has had some type of a wake up call and has told me she is going to end EA with OM. She has told me that she realizes how out of control this has gotten and that she needs to focus on our M.
Do I still Tell the OM W. Do I need to ruin her life if I do not have to. Or Should I still Tell her for fear that the EA could continue.
I am Worried that the EA cannot end all together as the OM is a client of my W. They will still have work related contact wich could spark other feelings.
I now that there is no way for me to compete with the feelings of a new relationship.
I just want my M back on track!

You need to tell the OM's wife and tell her now.
You are not ruining her life. It is the OM that has caused her this trouble. All you are doing is giving her information about her marriage. Wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you?
In addition, the fact that this OM is client to your wife it will be very easy to continue the affair. If you and the OM's wife have knowledge then it will be that much more difficult for them to continue the affair. If you do not tell the OM's wife you may in fact be enabling the affair to continue now and in the future. The Harley's make it quite clear that it is essential for each of the betrayed spouses to know of the affair. You are assuming that your wife will stop immediately. I doubt it if the OM is allowed to do what he is doing withhout his wife knowing what is going on. You are not ruining anybody's life. I don't understand your thought process. You feel it would be better for the OM's wife not to know that their spouse is betraying them, putting their health at risk and allowing her husband to continue to cheat and hurt other people's lifes? You need to open your eyes. The truth is the truth and people have a right to the truth. The Harley's again are quite clear on this subject. I wish you luck.

Unless your wife has ended the affair, written and sent a n/c letter and agreed to conditions of recovery that include radical honesty and accountability you can assume that the A is still going on.

And yes, the wife still needs to know. It's valuable information for her about her own marriage. She needs to take steps to protect herself and the marriage. If her house was on fire you wouldn't neglect to tell her for fear that she might be upset.

C

I am struggling with the fact that if I contact the other parties right now it will only make my W very mad. She is already upset with me and others at the fact that we are all in discussion about her actions.
The assumption is that she is embarrassed and does not want the lable of "wayward wife." My W is a very stubborn person and she will try to justify any and all of her feelings right now. She knows that all of her actions are wrong. She knows she has hurt me deeply. She still continues to focus on all things that are against her. I think it is her way of making herself feel better. It is like a drug addiction...She thinks that she is in control. She feels that she is happy and why is everyone in her business. My wanting to discuss only pushes her away more. I know if I conact the OM nd OM W, she will get very mad.
She is getting very upset at the fact that I am talking to everyone. I know that I am doing all of the right things, but how do I do them without LBs. She swears that her relationship w/OM is no more than a very good friendship. I know all A start out that way, but how do I discuss with others without making the situation more than it is?