I found out recently that my wife has had an affair. I found a hidden email account with many many emails (both from her and from her lover). I am devastated and really need to hear stories of how it gets better.<P>We are in counselling, and the bottom line is "I Still Love Her", but I am so hurt, angry, betrayed (etc etc etc) that I just need a little encouragement.<P>If you have a happy (if that could possibly be the right word for a situation like this) story - I sure would love to hear it.

I looked at your profile and welcome to the forum.<BR>first of all, i wish i could guarantee you that this will work- i cant and there is no guarntee, although this is a great place to vent, ask, ponder, etc. read, post, and yes there are success stories- i will bring some up to the top for you.<BR>eat, sleep, take care of you and read- i swear it helps- i owe amazon big bucks but it is ok- it helped. take care and stick around.

It is very hard, but it can get better. It's been less than two months since I found out ( and in my case there were many nights spent together), and I am recovering much faster than I had hoped.<P>Two things helped a lot: 1) the counselor told him to be completely open with me and I do believe he was. He volunteered another affair I would not have found out about. He also gave me all email and chat accounts and I READ about 100 emails with him sitting there and the tears constantly blocking my vision. I had to know what it was about. If you haven't read them, it may also confirm her claim to the one night (or not). After reading them, we deleted them.<P>2) After the first couple of weeks (when all I could do was feel the pain), I had to take charge of my thoughts. Every time I started looping about them, I had to distract myself. It was hard for me since I'm a mom at home and my work does not engage my whole mind. It might be easier for you. On the other hand, I had more time to think and read all of Harley's books, especially the one on recovering from an affair. Yes, there is hope if you both will work hard and follow the four rules in the affair book (they are also here in the web site).

Oh, I almost forgot. Have you sent a no contact letter yet? I couldn't believe it (since he felt bad sending it at all) but my h added to the Harley letter that "my wife has read all our emails and has access to all the email and chat accounts". I think this is why we have not had contact. She could well picture the wronged wife reading all the personal things she said to him.

Yes, when I confronted my wife she sent him a short "Leave me alone" email. She says she also left a message on his work voicemail (God, how I wish she had left that message at his home...... )<P>I also read all the emails, and they hurt like hell, but I do believe her when she tells me that it was only one night. I am not sure why I believe her, but I do.<P>I just can't get the damned images out of my head... driving and at night are the worst times (The only night I have gotten more than an hour or 2 sleep was Saturday, when I took a sleeping pill). During those times, it seems that I just watch the two of them, and it is driving me crazy (not literally I don't think, but it sure feels like it)<P>

I guess it really doesn't make much difference in our feelings, but I have so wished it was only one night. The last time he went they spent 4 days and nights together when I thought he was working and sleeping alone in a hotel. But I don't allow myself to run images. Maybe it is more a male thing to run pictures. The first affair I did know her. I didn't discover it, he confessed after acting strange for a month, saying he didn't love me and wanted to leave us. So in one night I found out about 2 affairs ranging over the last year and a half. What a complete shock. I didn't sleep for a long time either, he slept like a baby the night he dropped all this on me. I still ask why, why??? But it only drives me nuts. Yes, I know about unmet needs, etc., but he acted as if all was ok, and I was drowning with the mothering while he is away load. Most women seem to fall into it, starting with a friendship; he went looking for a sexual liaison that would give him passion. Swallow that one!! And yet, surprisingly we are doing well as each day we are both trying to meet each other's needs. He is over her, I'm the one suffering from all the hurt, I give up looking for remorse. Maybe Harley is right, it's in the past and we can love each other in the present and look to the future even without large amounts of remorse or empathy.

Welcome <B>Iwants2bhappyagain</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sorry I'm so late... family problems... and out for a little Christmas shopping too...<P>Now for my welcome wagon spiel... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>It's good that you've started counseling... i it could follow along the lines of Dr. Harley's principles... it would help more wih the kind of advice you'll find here!<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! As someone new to be being a betrayed... get into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> fast!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 20, 1999).]

Iw2ha,<P>I know how you feel about the pain. All I can tell you as time goes by those feelings come less often. God never waistes a wound.<P>Read all of the stuff Jim had in his welcome letter, with your wife.<P>Work on this together as a team and you should be able to make it.<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Iw2ha,<P>I know how you feel about the pain. All I can tell you as time goes by those feelings come less often. God never waistes a wound.<P>Read all of the stuff Jim had in his welcome letter, with your wife.<P>Work on this together as a team and you should be able to make it.<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>