I have been married for 8 months, and were together for 2 years before that. Lately my husband and I have been having some rough times. He is in the Air Force and we just recently moved, so that's adding stress to our lives. My problem is that since the day I was born I have loved animals. He likes them o.k., but is not as gung-ho as me. I knew I wanted to have a career involving animals, and when I see dogs or cats on the street I want to pet them and nurture them. He feels that I am showing more affection to them than him. I feel he has a self-confidence problem. He feels I need to change my attitude towards animals since it makes him uncomfortable. I feel that is part of who I am. Who is wrong? What can I do?

To clarify, your H has problems with the concept that you like animals, right? Or is the conflict that you want to get a pet? If he doesn't want a pet, and you do, then that's a valid concern. Definitely don't get a pet if he objects. But being upset over the idea that you like something that he doesn't and wanting you to change your interest sounds very controlling to me. I don't have any answers for you if that's the problem. Are there other things that he acts like this about? For instance, does he disapprove of any friends or family that you're close to?

How many "pets" do you now have in your home?

And to answer your question, your H is right.

He is right because that is how he feels, and you need to accept this is how he feels. Not tell him he is wrong, or even that he has self-esteem issues. It could be you that has those issues.

I have seen situations hopefully more extreme where the love of animals was really a cover for the inability to love and open up to human beings. I hope you don't say things like: they love me unconditionally, they are more loyal than human beings, I can trust them better than human beings.

If you are even thinking along those lines, then I suspect you do have some issues from your past that might need to be addressed. Loving animals in and of itself is NOT bad or a sign of anything wrong, but taken to extreme or as a replacement is a problem.

It is like fresh water. If you drink too much, it will kill you.

What you need to do is sit down with your H, and acknowledge that he feels this way and then discuss what you can do, and perhaps he can do that will meet both of your needs. I would strongly advice you to read His Needs Her Needs as well as the article on the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, here on this site.

God Bless,

JL

Dobie,

He thinks that I show more affection to the animals than him. I tried to explain that all my life animals have been the ony non-judgemental thing, therefore affection towards them comes very easily. I just love animals.
He does feel uncomfortable that I have friendly relations with my father who mildly molested me when I was young. I have worked through the problem and come to grips with it. He seems appalled that I would even speak with him.
He also argued with me very vehemently with me about the fact that I wanted to dress up for Halloween to pass out candy. He is worries what the neighbors will think, and thinks I am childish.

We have not pets, unless you count fish and a lizard. He has seen with interact with my female weenie dog that lives with my parents. She was my only friend in a hard and bitter teen life, so I feel a certain affection for her.
I understand what you are saying, and realize that I may have a problem. I will attempt to discuss this with my H, once we get our larger issues fixed.
One thing he does that makes me upset is tell me that I shouldn't consider pets part of the family, they are lesser beings and are just animals. I've always felt that your pet is very special and should be treated so. He hates that I interact with my weenie dog so much, that I let her lick my chin sometimes and put her face on mine as her version of a hug.
I will be more careful of how I am with animals and evaluate why I am so. Thank you very much for your help.

I have one simple question: What is more important to you, your husband and your marraige, or taking care of stray animals?

Once you understand and know that answer, it should be easy to figure out what is the right thing to do.

If you read this web site you will find out about the policy of joint agreement. If you both can not agree, then you do not do it. But, it is really up to you.

Don't get me wrong, I love animals also, even work at a pet store. Matter of fact, maybe that is a way for you to get your fill of animals without bringing them home, or upsetting you home life.

Something to ponder.

I do not bring home stray animals. Never mentioned that. Not part of the equation. Whenever we are out and someone walks by with their dogs, I wish to pet them. Same goes for carnivals and such where there are petting zoos. If there are horses around (my obsession) I will interact with them. He simply is not interested in animals on that level.