If you make a horrible mistake, Have a one night stand, There seems to be controversy on whether you should tell your spouse. What are your opinions? Is telling always the best thing to do or is it just to relieve guilt? Everyone can make a mistake, by revelaing the mistake you could cause serious damage to many people...

Read: Radical Honesty. That is Harley's opinion, and he is the expert. I agree. In other words: Tell.

By not telling you are letting an emotional wedge seperate you and your H. To wit: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.):

“Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

"In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.”

"... Many people cannot handle the inner burden of lies and deception, so one day they blurt out the truth. As with any wrongdoing there is always a concomitant need to confess. Some people will simply tell the truth, while others will unconsciously set up a situation that will expose them. The effect on one’s spouse is the same regardless: shock, intense pain, rage, and doubt that this hurt can ever heal and trust be reestablished.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read "Torn Asunder", by Carder for some examples of how unconfessed affairs damage marriages.

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Having been on the receiving end of just finding out about a one night stand followed by an EA (Backwards Huh?) I would have much preferred if my S would have told me herself. It would have really helped in the "future trust" department.

-C-

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Cruiser ]</small>

Simple question, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, what would you prefer?

Hmmmm, Good question......I guess I would not want to know. However, if it were going to be a continual thing.......I would!

Wrong question. Ask yourself: "What would my spouse prefer?"

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Hello,

I am sorry but I do believe your answer that if the roles were reversed you would not want to know...unless it was a continual thing.

You are continuing to disrespect your husband by not informing him of the truth...the truth which he has a right to know. He has a right to know if you put his health at risk. He has a right to know because hopefully your marriage is based on honesty. You would have to have a significant problem to betray your husband by having sex with another man in a one night stand. How can you deal with this problem and how can he deal with the problem if you shut him out? It was dishonest, disrespectful and hurtful what you did but you compound it ten-fold by refusing to be honest with you husband. He has a right to know this. It is sad that you have so little faith in your husband, your marriage and yourself to be honest with him. It is sad that you continue to disrespect your husband through your lie of omission.
The bottom line is that you really asked the following question: Is it better to be respectful, honest and open with my spouse or is is better to be disrespectful, dishonest, and continue to lie to my spouse. You can rationalize any way you wish but I think down deep you know what the correct answer is. I wish you luck.

tell the truth...just do it. this is not a trick question or answer...this is about common decency and integrity...it's about who you are, who you want to be and how you will view yourself from this point forward. just do it! TELL!
coach

The ONS is a symptom of something that is wrong. If your W isn't aware of problems, you can't work together to fix them. Being married is teamwork.

I appreciate your responses. I am 100% aware of how wrong a one night stand is. Everyone here seems to believe only confessioning to a mistake can remedy the inherent problems in a marriage. However, I think in certain circumstances telling could cause a complete meltdown of the marriage.

Maybe people on this site do not beleive in that, but I have heard it from "so called experts" ...that sometimes it is best to keep your outh shut!

You can find an expert to say anything you want, if you pick the right expert. So, are you looking for an expert to validate what YOU want, or are you looking for the truth? The truth is, my marriage did not start to recover until my wife told me, despite her efforts to work on us while keeping it a secret. There are many here that have had similar experiences. The truth is that you cannot acheive true intimacy while keeping a secret of this magnitude - because intimacy and truth are bound together. The truth is that you are not protecting your spouse by withholding this information - you are protecting yourself from their reaction.

Dear Ashamed,

Keeping it a secret will come back to haunt you. My H didn't tell me about his first ONS, then he had another shortly after the first one. Then he had a full blown affair about 5 years later. He didn't confess then either and ended up having a string of ONSs over a period of 6 months about 4 years after the affair. The guilt and shame ate him alive and put up a huge, but invisible wall between us. It wouldn't even allow my love for him to penetrate it.

He finally ended up having an "exit" affair last year because he couldn't live with the guilt any longer. He had to get out of the marriage and an affair was the way he knew best.

Well, his plan failed and we're in a great recovery. The best part? INTIMACY...we got it back and it feels so good!

He says that each affair was easier and yet between binges he really wanted to quit. The guilt and shame ate at him until he'd not be able to take it any more and then he'd act out again. He wishes he would have told me now.

Don't become like that. Just get it out. My H's fear was always that I'd leave him so he couldn't tell, but look where he ended up! I probably never would have left him, but instead of dealing with the pain of one affair, we've had to deal with EIGHT!

He also had one other one at the very beginning of all of this that I did know about. What he didn't know when he confessed that first one was that he was an addict in the making.

Take care.

Stillwed

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

My H had a ONS and it took three years for the truth come out out. H had NO intention of ever telling me. But I think most BS`s have a clue something is amiss. We may not know the facts but we can see a change in our mates.

H secret was eating him alive. He became very paranoid that one day I would find out. He was positive that at some point I was going to leave him. Once he had that ONS for him it was the death knell for our M. He desperately tried to keep it hidden. He lived in fear EVERY single day. He was sure I would leave him if I ever found out, and he knew he would have to live with that fear until I DID find out. So he never told me. I finally went to a third party and got the truth. Three years after the fact.

But I had my suspicions that I never let go of. We didn`t talk about it every day but I moved on to our couch to sleep and stayed there for three years. Different BS`s manifest their suspicions in different ways. But unless we are married to truly coldhearted guiltless WS snakes we DO pick up clues something is wrong. It affects the WS, the BS, the whole M. The secret is pure poison.

You will NEVER be 100% certain that the truth will not come out. You may have made a pact to keep it quiet and perhaps YOU haven`t told anyone but what about the OP? How do you know they will NEVER tell anyone, 2, 3 5 years down the road. You have NO guarantees. Do you want to live with that? My H thought he could. Turns out he couldn`t. H started and EA with yet another OW so he would have a backup if I ever found out and left him.

If H had confessed to me right after the ONS of course I would have been devastated. However the fact that he keep it s secret for so long and I had to get the truth from a third party compounded the problem 100 fold. Any BS will tell you that the lies and the coverup are as bad IF NOT WORSE than the A itsself. And the longer the coverup goes on the more angry/hurt the BS will be. If you come clean right away and it comes from YOU the BS will regain trust quicker. You`ll have a better chance of repairing this.

Every day you keep this secret is putting one more nail in your coffin. You have to tell the truth. No one deserves to live in fear. You made a mistake, you have to own up to it and take your lumps. As hard as that will be that will be easier that living with guilt and fear forever or until your spouse finds out.

As frightened as H was of me finding out the truth, the first words out of his mouth were "This is such a relief...I am so tired of keeping this secret"

Please don`t make the same mistake my H did. He thought he was doing the right thing by keeping the secret. But he made us BOTH suffer much more than need be. And ONS is a terrible thing but it`s not the end of the world. Couples can and do recover from those type of A`s. But only if the truth comes out quickly (from YOU) and the issues are addressed.

You don`t strike me as a coldhearted person. I don`t think you are going to be able to happily live with this secret.