Last week I thought I wasn't emotionally ready for Plan B but I now know what I need to do and that I have the strength and support to do it.<P>W has been out of the home for 8 days now. She's been returning home each AM to get the kids off to school, etc. and then leaves when I get back. In a moment of intense emotions, I wrote her a very long letter last week telling her that I love her, will support her through her recovery (childhood sexual abuse), all that stuff. She read it after she left Wednesday but still hasn't commented on it.<P>I spoke with her closest sister who confirmed that it was my W's father who also sexually abused her. I already knew some details of her pain but not all of it. W actually made some progress last week in counseling regarding past perpetrators that she never told anyone about. All 3 sisters have self-destructed in the past. My SIL advised that I need to try to get help for W. I can't ask her to choose me or OM cause she can't make a rational decision. It's just like me when I was a drunk and addict.<P>Saturday was W's 33rd B-day. She come in the AM and I got her a cake, flowers a card and cards & some small gifts from the kids (14, 5, 4 yrs). She was touched. I had made plans to have the kids baby-sat overnight and W and I were to go to a B&B to celebrate her bday. I canceled those plans after she went out with OM 2 weekends ago.<P>She lied so many times Sat night and I discovered she was at an Xmas party for OM's company. Yesterday when she found out what I knew, she was indignant. She was supposed to have been using this week to stay away from both me and OM to "sort things out" but I can see it was just a opportunity to do what ever she wanted with OM. I've had it with the continued lies and all the BS and fear I am starting to hate her. I want her to get help!!!!<P>She still thinks she's going with the kids and me to my parents for Xmas (which we've done every year). Tomorrow is our joint counseling session and she isn't going with us for Xmas. I made arrangements for an immediate admission to the hospital if she chooses recovery and the kids will be protected until I can get them in the car and off to DC. The house locks will be changed as we sit in counseling and she'll have no access to $. (She's a at-home mom) I'm not doing any of this to punish her but I need to raise the "bottom" so she can see she needs help.<P>This is so hard and I still haven't fully figured out the logistics of kids and school and visitation when we get back on 1/2/00. Once Plan B starts, she will need to rely fully on OM for everything.<P>I still love her and pray she agrees to get help. Please pray for US and I need your encouragement.<P>John

I'm sorry that it has come to this. I hope that she see's the destruction that lies ahead before it is too late!

Thanks, I'm sorry too. I just hope she agrees to get the help she so dearly needs. I'm scared....<P>Here's my Plan B letter. I plan to give it to her at our joint counseling session tomorrow. Comments and suggestions are welcomed. I loved the "Veggie Tales" song. It's from my kids favorite video "Where is God When I'm Scared".<P>******************************************<BR>12/22/99<P>Dear Jennifer:<P>I want to begin by telling you that I love you. I never thought I could love anyone as much I love you but one thing this entire ordeal has shown me is that I simply adore you. I believe my behavior, forgiveness and honest desire to meet your needs during this time is testimony of my love for you and dedication to our marriage and our family.<P>I know that you are aware of how much your continued affair with Jerry hurts me. I also know that it has been hard on you and that you have your own pain and emotions to deal with. You also know my position regarding our marriage and my desire to reconcile. I still believe that with the love and power of God, and with the resources and people in our lives, we can heal from anything and build a marriage that truly thrives. I have pledged my love for you and still do; every day.<P>However, I cannot work on our marriage as long as you continue your affair with Jerry. The continued lies and betrayal is causing me too much pain and is harmful to me. I need to care for myself so I do not suffer further and so I can properly care for our children. It is for those reasons only that I must now cease any further contact with you.<P>I am not abandoning you nor am I making my love for you conditional in any way. What I am doing is letting you know that by not making a conscious decision to reconcile our marriage, you are making a choice and I am simply protecting myself from further pain and suffering. <P>I will make the kids available for visitation so they can spend time with you. They still need to see their mother. We can work out the arrangements for visitation after New Years. My only demand is that they not be exposed to your lover in any way or at any time. <P>Please know that I still love you with all of my heart and I pray for you constantly. If you agree, I will make sure that you get all of the help you need to heal. Please also know that I am still very willing and able to rebuild our marriage and our family if you agree to do so. <P>Love,<P>Remember: God is bigger than the Boogie man...<BR> He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV...<BR> God is bigger than the Boogie man...<BR> And He's watching out for you and me....<BR>

NewMan,<P>Just a few thoughts I put together...<BR>(mostly for those newly considering Plan B)... <B>on Plan B</B>...<BR>If you have any thoughts on this post (<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>) let me know... <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

NewMan,<P>Just a few comments...<P><B>First</B>... I think Plan B (and the letter) are such huge steps... a consultation with the Harley's <B>is</B> in order... (if only I got a dime for each time I recommended that...)... time is short... maybe try for a quick call... if they can give you one...<P><B>Second</B>... make sure to send to the OM a copy of the letter... with the little one liner... at the end... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><I>I love Jennifer with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.</I><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...(page 82 of SAA)<P><B>Third</B>... How about you wait until after the counseling session... before you give her that letter?... maybe after Christmas?... How about the 26th?... maybe after New Year's?... Is another week and a half going to make that much of difference to you? What will getting this letter right before/during the holidays do to Jennifer's future rememberances of this time of year?<P><B>Fourth</B>... My take on your letter follows... please don't think I am being critical of you... I am <B>not</B>... it's just my thoughts... the Harley's will have better ideas... <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to begin by telling you that I love you. I never thought I could love anyone as much I love you but one thing this entire ordeal has shown me is that I simply adore you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... that sounds good... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I believe my behavior, forgiveness and honest desire to meet your needs during this time is testimony of my love for you and dedication to our marriage and our family.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... she already knows this... tooting your own horn a bit "my behavior, forgivenss..." is saying ever so slightly(I'm a better person than you are...) Maybe a little bit of contrition on your part (like your inability to meet some of <B>her</B> needs) might be added in here instead?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know that you are aware of how much your continued affair with Jerry hurts me. I also know that it has been hard on you and that you have your own pain and emotions to deal with. You also know my position regarding our marriage and my desire to reconcile. I still believe that with the love and power of God, and with the resources and people in our lives, we can heal from anything and build a marriage that truly thrives. I have pledged my love for you and still do; every day.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... good... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>However, I cannot work on our marriage as long as you continue your affair with Jerry.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... OK... but contradicts (somewhat) the "...Please also know that I am still very willing and able to rebuild our marriage..." said later on...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The continued lies and betrayal is causing me too much pain and is harmful to me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... I think striking the phrase "lies and betrayal" are in order here... it really goes against the grain of a <B>love letter</B> which is what a Plan B letter needs to be.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to care for myself so I do not suffer further and so I can properly care for our children.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... nothing wrong with you identifyng your needs... OK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is for those reasons only that I must now cease any further contact with you. I am not abandoning you nor am I making my love for you conditional in any way.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...OK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What I am doing is letting you know that by not making a conscious decision to reconcile our marriage, you are making a choice and I am simply protecting myself from further pain and suffering.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... maybe rephrase the "...not making a concsious decision..." to be a little less negative... a little less "put down"-ish?...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I will make the kids available for visitation so they can spend time with you. They still need to see their mother. We can work out the arrangements for visitation after New Years.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...OK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My only <B>demand</B> is that they not be exposed to your lover in any way or at any time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...the word <B>demand</B> I highligted since Jennifer may do it in her mind... this is something... personally... I think should be resolved(at least discussed) outside the scope of <B>this</B> letter. It <B>is</B> important... I feel 110% the way you feel about OM with kids!!!!... believe me on this... but it is not the time to bring it up in <B>your</B> Plan B letter.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please know that I still love you with all of my heart and I pray for you constantly. If you agree, I will make sure that you get all of the help you need to heal.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... if shouldn't be "you (to) get all of the help you need"... but more along the lines of "<B>we</B>... healing together"... No?... it is after all a 'love letter'... not a 'self-help' note.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please also know that I am still very willing and able to rebuild our marriage and our family if you agree to do so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... don't make the "rebuild"(ing) conditional(e.g. "if you agree to do so") or just one sided("I am still...") ...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Love,<BR>Remember: God is bigger than the Boogie man...<BR>He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV...<BR>God is bigger than the Boogie man...<BR>And He's watching out for you and me....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... I am as religious as the next guy... ask around here... they'll all say... Jim your (more) religious than the next guy... with a little sarcasim thrown in... <B>But</B>... if Jennifer, in any previous talks...emails...letters, took offense against you using "religion/God"... she may take offense at this 'closer'... thinking you are putting her OM down...<BR>Maybe a more gentle reference to God just loving everyone?... just an idea.<P>---------------------<P>I hope I wasn't too critical...<BR>I just was comparing your letter to the one in the book... and these things jumped out at me.<P>I am currently in the process of writing up <B>my</B> Plan B letter also... I've decided to wait until the end of January... or early February...(away from any and all holidays)<P>Prayers for you and your family...<BR>If I don't hear from you... Merry Christmas... <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 21, 1999).]