Where do I start? I went on active duty for 6 weeks in the military. When I came back, my wife was glad to see me and we felt so good to be with each other again. Then after I had been back a week I went online to do internet banking. While looking at the past month's transactions, I noticed an $11 charge at a hotel. I confronted my wife and she said she didn't know where it came from. She said she would call around to find out what it was and have it taken off the acct. Later that day, she said she talked to the hotel and they "punched in the number wrong". She said the hotel was going to credit back the money. The next week, the credit showed up on the account. When I first got home, W told me she had not been taking birth control since I left since she wouldn't need it. A couple of weeks after I got home, I found a BC pill pack with the RX date of 7/29, 3 weeks after I left. There were 19 pills gone. She said it must be the wrong date and that it was the pack she was using before I left. At this point I'm sure something else is being hidden, so I went down to the hotel. The mgr wouldn't give me names on the room or other info without my wife's credit card, but when asked why the charge was credited back, he said he believed they came in and paid cash for it. The room was also paid for in cash. I asked him what the $11 charge was for and he said he believed it was for the telephone. There is a Shell station directly across the street from the hotel. The same day of the hotel transaction there is a charge at that Shell station for $7. My W says she doesn't even know where the hotel is, and hasn't been to that Shell station. I've ordered copies of the receipts showing where the purchases were signed for since I'm on the account too, but they will take 2-4 weeks to get to my PO box. In the meantime, my wife says she is tired of me asking questions and accusing her and has threatened to leave if I talk about it again. She says she has told me over and over that nothing happened while I was gone.

What do I do now? I feel confused, betrayed, hurt, and angry. I just want her to tell me the truth (which she says she already is) so I can deal with this and get over it. I believe I want to keep my marriage together regardless, but my perception of her lying to me over and over is making me rethink this. With all the evidence, I don't think there is a chance she is telling the truth, but she's got me so confused I'm not sure if the sky is blue today. PLEASE HELP!

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: iloco4u ]</small>

Hello,

I am very sorry that you here. It seems quite evident that your wife is having a sexual affair.
You know it and she knows it. It is very sad that she refuses to tell you the truth. I would not be having sex with her until she has been checked.
The bottom line is that she has been caught cheating on you and she refuses to tell you the truth. The problem of course is that it cannot be fixed until you are in recovery together. When you have to leave again there is no reason for her not to continue this behavior.
I hope others here will give you some advise. It seems you have caught her cold with the hotel and the birth control pills. My question is can you live with these facts and can you live with the fact that your wife is still lying to you. I would strongly suggest that you both get into marriage counseling and deal with the issues of her cheating. I am at a loss in that you have caught her and she refuses to tell you the truth which is very typical of a cheating spouse. Only you can decide if you wish to remain in this type of marriage without honest, trust and having your health put at risk. I would also consider talking to an attorney to understand your options now and in the future. I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What do I do now? I feel confused, betrayed, hurt, and angry. I just want her to tell me the truth (which she says she already is) so I can deal with this and get over it. I believe I want to keep my marriage together regardless, but my perception of her lying to me over and over is making me rethink this. With all the evidence, I don't think there is a chance she is telling the truth, but she's got me so confused I'm not sure if the sky is blue today. PLEASE HELP!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might want to consider conveying to her calmly and respectfully the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You know that eventually the truth does come out, and when it does there is no way to avoid the pain, but it is much, much worse when the truth comes from other sources, than the one you love. So for the sake of my love for you, please be honest with me and tell me the truth, did you have an affair?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The point I'm trying to make to you is that affairs are born out of and require dishonesty to survive. But honesty cannot be brought forth if there is fear that the BS(betrayed spouse) is going to totally lose it. For that reason your delivery must be one of complete emotional control otherwise she is going to be too afraid to confess to you the truth. So avoid love busters such as angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements and dishonesty because they are counterproductive to your search for the truth. You can influence others by how you behave yourself, and if you behave with complete emotional control you may get the answers you are looking for.

I am so lost. She had told me that the Sat. in question was when she and her mom went to buy a new truck. I found out last night that she bought the truck the previous Monday. She said she was wrong, that the Sat. was when she took the truck to have repaired at the dealer and she had dinner with her mom afterwards. Just more backtracking and inconsistencies. I'm hurting so much right now I can hardly see straight. I went through a divorce just 2 years ago, and don't know that I can emotionally handle this. I think I'm on the point of just breaking. She said this morning that she was leaving since I asked more questions last night. My family who was convinced before that she wouldn't cheat on me, now believes that she did from the evidence I have gathered. They say I should let her leave. I love her, but I can't take the dishonesty. If she would tell me about the A I could move on... but it feels like its just a bleeding open wound right now that she won't help to heal. I don't know if I should tell her to stay and just accept that she will never tell me the truth about this. My gut feeling is to let her go and start to heal myself. I cannot bear this pain much longer. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need professional help right now, from more than just a counselor. I think about my little boy not being with me also... it is almost reason to be miserable with this until maybe sometime in the future the grief passes. But I would still be left with the unanswered lies, and that hurts too badly. I don't even know if it was a one night stand or if a relationship is still going on. I don't want her to leave even for a night if I decide to live with it. I feel like she will do something again if she goes. I'm just so confused I really have no idea what to do. I'm at work right now and honestly feel like just sitting at home or in a dark room. How can she be so nonchalant and seem like nothing is wrong when I'm so miserable and hurt?

Welcome back from your active duty and thanks for going. We appreciate what you did. The OW's husband came back from active duty to discover that while he was busy defending our country,his wife was in the midst of an A with my husband. Sorry this may have happened to you too. My H is a christian and has never been a liar until A. Since July he has told a lie every time he opens his mouth and even though he got caught over and over still continues to lie. It's part of the disease. Get some anti-depressants and keep posting. It really helped me, seeing my story over and over. Good luck and be strong.

iloco,
a couple of things you should consider. if she decides to leave i would bet anything that it isn't because of your suspecions or because you're voicing them. in my experience, people who are honest and faithfull don't just pick up and run at the first sign of adversity. if she really and truly values the marriage as you seem to, then i have to believe she would stay and fight to keep it and you.

that point of view aside, i think what you need to tell her if she decides to leave is that althought it will sadden you, you will not give up on her or the marriage. (obviously this is something you say only if it's true!) from that point on i think that you need to get some professional help in deciding what the next best course of action is.

look, if you feel that loving some one is not the only reason to stay in a marraige with a person you feel is fundamentally dishonest then i and others have to respect your feelings. however, if all you're seeking is a way to get by this rocky time and to improve the relationship and make the marriage work then i would suggest to her that cutting and running is no solution to any problem.

i would let her know that what you need is closure and honesty to restore your faith and trust and her help to get you through this time; so that you both can go forward together. i would do everything in my power, move heaven and earth if you will, to convice her that there is nothing that she might have done that can't be worked out as long as you two are willing to work together.

not a revolutionary concept i'm sure but an idea you might want to try expressing to her.

best of luck.
coach

Well, here's the latest twist. My exwife says that some guy called her house the Sun. morning in question and asked if it was my exwife speaking. She replied it was and he told her that my W was cheating on me. My ex asked how he knew. He said that she just left the hotel and had spent the whole night together. He also described a tattoo she has for proof. My ex doesn't know who the caller was, but there arent many people that know both my ex and my W. Now I guess I have my proof although I still don't know who it is. But I'm still trying to find out. My W says she's leaving now definitely and I'm not going to stop her this time. I told her that I loved her and wanted her to stay, but that was her decision. We'll see what happens. Like I said before, if it's over at least I can heal and move on. BTW, my ex is engaged and I do not believe she would have any reason to lie to me.

I am sorry what you are going through but it seems quite evident that your wife has been cheating on you and putting your health at risk.
She is leaving because she is angry that you caught her and she does not even have the decency to be honest with you. You need to step back and ask yourself why you would wish to settle for this?
It is time to work on yourself. The way you describe this it sounds like you are not losing too much. You deserve better and you will in the future. I wish you luck.

BryanP: Thanks for your advice. I honestly am too hurt to make any decision that I feel is good judgement right now. I think my heart is speaking (or crying) louder than my brain. But I know that I cannot go on hurting like this... I know that if I try to stay and she never tells me the truth, the hurt will never heal. I can't live like that. So, when she leaves, I will let her go and not try to stop her by begging or pleading. Honestly, right now, I can barely do for myself. I've been thinking of calling someone for emergency help. I don't think I can wait for the psych appt Tues. and I don't think one 1 hour session is going to help me at all. I'm entirely too depressed...

Please contact your county mental health dept or call your local suicide prevention hotline immediately. They will suggest how to get immediate help for you. You are doing the right thing seeking help. By the way, remember you were a full and healthy person before you met your wife and there is no reason why you should not be the same afterwards. In the long run you will be healthier and happier. I wish you luck.

Bryan, I am getting very close to calling someone for help. I have another question though. She says she is going to stay at her mother's house. Should I call her mother before W gets there and tell her everything I found? I just don't know if it will do more harm than good. I know W will be pissed.

Hi iloco4U,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position; mustering the strength and heart to get through this shattered minefield of infidelity is so hard. But it can be done. And you have the right attitude.

Let me ask you this: have you ever been a jealous husband before, accusing your wife of affairs when none had happened? I am assuming not, and the rest of what I have to say is based on that presumption.

The lying and cover-up your wife is doing is so typical of the WS (Wayward Spouse) at this stage. She's been caught; you've interrupted her fun; she wasn't counting on having to make a decision on whether to keep her family intact or destroy it for her lover. The only thing she can think to do right now is put it all on your shoulders (you're crazy) and go home to mommy for some time to think (at best) or free up her time to see OM (at worst).

She can't admit to herself right now that she's become something that she used to hate, let alone confess that to you.

Stand firm, but loving, and present your case, again. Show her the proof. Tell her about the phone call. Tell her you love her and want to work out the problems in your marriage, but that is impossible if she can't tell you the truth. Ask her if she wants your marriage to work.

Tell her if she wants to go to her mothers, fine, she should go. But that you will let her mother know your evidence as well. Perhaps she will be able to convince her daughter to tell the truth.

If you really are crazy and nothing is going on, she won't care what you tell her mother. If she is guilty, she's likely to react in great anger, or possibly even break down and tell the truth to you. God forbid that the outside world should know what she's done. It's called exposing the affair.

You have the knowledge and some of the power right now. But she has some of the power, too. Use your love for her to get her to start being honest. It is the first step.

Have you read the sections on this board about how to treat a Wayward Spouse? It will help you tremendously in the days ahead. And do seek help from a suicide prevention line, even if suicide is the farthest thing from your mind. They can get you help in a hurry and you sound like you need it. Ask about anti-depressent medications. They can help you to function normally as you process this pain.

God bless.

Well this certainly sucks. I'm sitting here all alone now that my W has left. I tried to go to the neighbor's that we usually hang out with, and they treated me like a leper. I know W talked to them, probably told them I was crazy etc. So, now I'm back home. My 1 friend that I still have left is busy tonight. This is getting worse by the second. Plus, I'm about to have to switch from Vanilla Rum to Whiskey. So much for self-preservation... looks like I'll be getting hammered alone tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I guess this part is the self pity.

I did tell her when she called that I loved her and that she could come back whenever she was ready to tell me the truth. She said she guesses she would never be back. Oh well... I've pretty much given up hope of US and started planning my own future. I'll go back on active duty soon for 6 months, so I guess I'll be forced to get on with life. When we were planning on working it out, I told her I would put in for a hardship discharge or whatever I needed to, but I wouldn't leave her again. Without her, I guess I will continue to serve and see what comes my way. I know one thing... I have given up on marriage as something in my future. The last thing I ever wanted was to be an old single man at bars trying to pick up old single women... looks like that will be me. But at least I'll have my dignity and hopefully eventually I'll regain the respect for myself that I've been losing the last couple of years. I've given in one too many times. It's time for me to live my life. Don't get me wrong, I do still love her and miss her, but I can't deal with someone that refuses to contribute to recovery by at least being truthful. I told her that I know more than she thinks I know... of course she was pissed, but I'm sure it will get her thinking too. Oh BTW, I'm pretty sure I know who it was. I believe from what my ex told me it was my ex-bestfriend. I say exbf because I went out with the girl he was totally infatuated with. She didn't like him and went out with me, so I guess it was considered payback from both of them (the relationship was back in March - no intercourse, but everything else). Yes, I was the bad guy and have regretted it ever since, but at least I told her about it before she even knew anything. I have prayed lots of times to be forgiven for that, and the experience has made me aware of what is important. That's why I was totally commited to my marriage. I guess there are two cliches that come to mind here... 1. What goes around comes around, and 2. Too little, too late.

Oh and my exbf denies everything (of course). I'll find out soon enough though... I've got a PI working on cell phone records etc.

Can you tell I'm venting and have no one else to talk to?

Well, after lots of investigating and my W finally telling me the truth. It turns out I owe her a huge apology. She wasn't cheating while I was gone. It's a long story that I don't care to post here, but it seems my heartache was all for nothing. She did prove her story to me, so I am satisfied she is telling the truth. She did lie about a couple of things, but none of them involved a man. BUT, I can say that the experience of thinking I had lost my W has truly made me appreciate her more than ever. I know she is the most important thing in my life and I will try my best to make her happy every day of our lives together. As long as I take care of her and put our marriage first in my life, I hope to not ever experience the true heartbreak of an A.

After experiencing what I felt when unsure what happened while I was gone, and reading the stories on this forum, I will pray for all of you. I also would never wish the hurt many of you are experiencing (and I was experiencing) on anyone and that has prompted me to take an oath to myself that I will never look outside of my marriage for ANYONE under any circumstances. Infidelity hurts more than anything else you could possibly do to someone, and I wish everyone dealing with it good luck and guidance from above.

I just posted a new thread about a long past incedent with my wife. I suspected an affair and never followed through to see if it was true. I am now haunted by its possability years later.
I do hope for your sake you are correct and you truly do have a happy ending, but I have to say the evidence you said you found was very compeling, and I know from personal experience there is so much pain involved and the hope that you are wrong that it is very easy to convince yourself something is not true because you don't want it to be.
My reason for pointing this out and posting is that if there is any doubt in your mind and you are maybe just letting it go to avoid the pain then you will always wonder and have to live with that in your relationship. It has followed me for over ten years now.
I do wish you well and hope it all works out for you.

I dont know iloco4u??......that evidence does sound overwhelming to me also. Are you sure you didnt just convince yourself that nothing happened? What about the bills and the birth control? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi everyone, this is ilocos wife, I just wanted to reply and tell everyone that posted to my husband how upset I am about everything you said about me, you don't know me or my husband. I think its funny that you only hear one side of the story and take that side. My husband was unfaithful in March of this year, and I have always been faithful to my husband. So here I am trying to get over the hurt of March, and put our marriage back together, and you start posting to my husband telling him that I have cheated, all I am going to say is you have got some nerve putting your two cents into my marriage when you have bad marriages yourself. I don't think you should be giving anyone advice, I think you need to get off the computer and work on your own marriage!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"all I am going to say is you have got some nerve putting your two cents into my marriage when you have bad marriages yourself. I don't think you should be giving anyone advice, I think you need to get off the computer and work on your own marriage!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all your H came here by himself (he was not dragged kicking and screaming to this forum to have our opinions rammed down his throat) asking for advice and we gave it.

Lastly, it is precisely this forum as well as, counseling and the Harley books that have helped many work on our marriages.

Taking cheap shots against the good people here will not help your marriage.

No one said you cheated except your husband. No one here knows you or the details of your relationship except what your husband shared. People here only commented on his story because that is what HE asked for.
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain yourself and simply takeing that out on others. I can certainly understand that and hope that you might concider staying here to get the help you need. We ARE working on our marriages by being here and you will find many caring and helpful people here. I am new here myself and have been helped greatly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I am sorry if you mistook anything I or anyone else said as a personal attack on you that was not my intention at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />