my husbands having an affair in a chat room he hosts. I don't know how to handle this. He's already left twice to visit one lady he fell in love with. Its over between them now but I still hurts. He chats from the time he gets up until its time to go to bed. He makes phone calls out of state all the time and when it's a woman he goes on our front porch so he has his privacy. what can I do to help my 18 year marriage survive this horrible torment? All of a sudden he locks his computer now and he has a lock on his cell phone.We don't talk like we used to and I'm getting used to being alone with no one to talk to basically except the children (3 daughters). He even ignores them sometimes. I need help because I feel I'm loosing it. It's not a jealous feeling I have, I'm just hurt how he can talk to these other people and get so wrapped up in them that he forgets me. please help. PETALS1703@YAHOO.COM

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I've been in your shoes. I understand how you are feeling hurt and betrayed. You want to know what to do.

First gather information, quietly. There are many tell tale signs of what is actually going on if you pay close attention to them. I am guessing you want to stop his behavior and want to stay with him at this point. Think about changes in his appearance, work habits, personality changes, telephone tip-offs, computer use, conversational clues, cell phones and pagers, etc. Keep your information to yourself. Print what you can and store it in a safe place that he won't have access to.

What have you said to him about the excessive amount of time he spends online? What have you said to him about talking to other women on the phone? What about the secrecy in regards to the computer and his cell phone?

Are you ready to tell him the secrecy, chatting and the phone calls and the women go or I go? What about your girls? Are you ready to leave with them? Sometimes it is this type of tough love that gets a sexual addict to realize what he is doing and lift the fog.

Here is a good and recent post on the subject of online affairs with some very good advice:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003395;p=1

Please read everything you can here at marriage builders and understand that the affairs he is having are very real even if there is no physical contact. Read post and read some more.

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]</small>