ok here goes.

Just found out two weeks ago. Acted like a raving lunatic for about a week and a half. Found this site and decided that I would like to follow the path of some of these women rather than that of previous Jerry Springer guests. But I am very confused:

When I confronted him, I expected apologies, love, sorrow, willingness to bend over backwards to get my forgiveness. I got coldness, defensiveness, indifference. I am going crazy, but he exhibits classic fog symtoms... he thinks he's in love and they are going to live happily ever after... she's the best thing since sliced bread. He immediatly moves to his best friends house-on D day.

Now whats the plan: A, B, D, or fetal position???? I know I messed things up royally by being a real b*tch and basketcase the first week... no safe place to come home to (even though he wasn't home)..... no foundation for plan B, now what?

He has finally agreed to see a therapist, and we are talking, but I think its only for our boys. He has not agreed to n/c letter to OW, and I find this to be an absolute must. He does not want to hurt her..... She works FOR him, and he absolutely refuses to have her transfered. I cannot get involved with his work affairs in fear that they will fire him and everthing is lost. He says he is not "seeing" her, but I believe otherwise. His secretary tells me he has said he's getting a divorce, OW prances around merrily while his family is in sorrow. I staked his friend's house twice and he doesn't come home till around 3am. I know he's with her!
I've been following plan A for about 1 weeks now, we are cordial, he's around for the boys for anything they need, follows our usual routine of school pickups and practices, cooks for us, hangs out at the house, etc. I tell him how much this is hurting me and that I love him very much, and am willing to take on some of the responsibility (BIG lie... for now). I am ok following plan A for now, my love for him is intact, I am now heavily medicated, etc.... But I know he's deciding (or decided)..... therefore, your Harvey's quote about if he's deciding, plan B...confuses me. Where should I be? He still has his family life, I am meeting all but his SF needs for now, his life is as normal as can be-no fighting, but he spends nights with her.
I've read so much of your advice, and really trust your judgement. I can do this if I just have a plan........(or a leash)

Which is more important, your marriage or his job? Can he get another? How long will hteir affair last if she has to support him? Can you get a job and support your kids if he gets fired? Can you move in with family and get a job if you can't get one directly that pays enough to live on in your current house and lifestyle? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Right now, Plan A seems like the right idea for you, but think about the questions I asked. If you want some reinforcement on your Plan A, check out the plan A links (including one from Cerri) in the link in my signature line.

John,

Thank you for your advice. My marriage is most important to me. But I don't want him hating me, and he will. His career is very important to him and he (and I!)has worked very hard to get where he is- also might be up for promotion soon. I do not make any significant income to speak of. Cannot risk my children's financial security when everything else is falling apart.
Wow, I guess that sounds like the answer to your question is- his job???? I think I have more sole searching to do.
If I had some guarantee, I would want my marriage, no doubt. I could struggle with him, but if that happens, he wouldn't be with me- he's already shown so much anger, never seen him like this. I can't handle the prospect of being in pain, alone, AND poor.
No, I could never support us in our current lifestyle-would have to sell the house and move into a chicken coop. Family lives out of state.
But you're right about one thing- the OW would want nothing to do with him if she had to support him.
And as much as i've read from cerri that that would not be a LB, i cannot get over the fact that in our situation, that would be a deal breaker- no doubt in my mind!

But thank you for recommending plan A, I feel I can carry it out more eficiently if I just feel I'm doing the right thing. This weekend has been hell not knowing which I should be doing. I can face tomorrow with a better outlook. thanks.

For 10 years, I have beeen a stay-at-home dad. For the first 8 of those years, I LET my wife put her job first. For the first 5 of those years, '93-'98, she was having her most important emotional needs met through her job - or not - but she didn't look to me to fulfill them. In other words, she was having an affair with her job. That is what workaholics do. When, unknown to me, her affair started in '98, there was not much change from my perspective - she had been emotionally absent for years. I DID notice something was different, but it was so subtle that I did not recognize it.

Yeah, time for a gut-check. But, there ARE no guarantees. Pray.

As for it beng an LB...well, it will make him angry, but that is not the same thing as being an LB.

As for you not wanting him to hate you...Do you want to be nice, or do you want to be married? Love and hate are closer than we would like to believe. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate, and indifference is closely related to disrespect - which is exactly what he is showing you now. If you could inspire some hate by acting ethicly and honestly, not out of a need for revenge or your own anger, it might actually be a good thing, in the end. But, it sure wouldn't feel like it at the time.

<small>[ September 22, 2003, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

John,
The following is a qoute from cerri's site, and althugh its about using a PI and not about job exposure, I find it applies. He will feel so victimized that he will be unwilling to work things out.

quote:
However, you need to consider that even if you're still interested in trying to save the relationship, using a private investigator may cause such anger and embarrassment to the person who is "caught" that it leads them to be unwilling to try to work things out—regardless of what you want. When someone is caught this way, they may feel like a "victim" themselves—which can overwhelm any feelings of guilt they might have had about their behavior. This leaves them with little sympathy for the problems they have caused—and leads them to pull away completely.

Hey DU,

Just found out two weeks ago.

Ouch, sorry. There are no words to say I know how terrible it is.... so just let me say I wish you didn't have to go through this.

Acted like a raving lunatic for about a week and a half.

Mmmmm... yes.... it happens.

Found this site and decided that I would like to follow the path of some of these women rather than that of previous Jerry Springer guests. But I am very confused

LOL... ok, good a sense of humor, you'll need that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Let's see what we can do to get you out of the Springer lineup and into something a little more constructive.

When I confronted him, I expected apologies, love, sorrow, willingness to bend over backwards to get my forgiveness.

Yeah..... it doesn't happen that way. This is the mantra you will need to repeat over and over again..... An affair is an addiction. The man who looks like, talks, walks, sounds and smells like my husband is not. He is someone under the influence of an addiction.

See my rules for dealing with infidelity in my sig line below. Print them and save them, you'll need to tell yourself those things over and over again. Dealing with infidelity is counter intuitive.... the things you need to do feel wrong.

I got coldness, defensiveness, indifference. I am going crazy, but he exhibits classic fog symtoms...

Yeah, that's what I usually see.... and generally more anger than that.

he thinks he's in love and they are going to live happily ever after... she's the best thing since sliced bread. He immediatly moves to his best friends house-on D day.

So he is out of the house? Tell me a little more about her and how the A started.

Also, how long have you been married and do you have kids? First marriage? Other issues like abuse, control or other addictions?

Now whats the plan: A, B, D, or fetal position????

Hmmmm.... how about a strong PlA with a little fetal position thrown in for the inevitable bad day.

I know I messed things up royally by being a real b*tch and basketcase the first week... no safe place to come home to (even though he wasn't home)..... no foundation for plan B, now what?

You know what? Don't worry about it. Most of us do it when we find out. Life goes on and it's not the history of your marriage, so let it go. You had terribly devastating news and you're human.

He has finally agreed to see a therapist, and we are talking, but I think its only for our boys.

Ok, you need to know that most therapists are NOT trained to save your marriage. They are trained to help you do what feels good for you right now.... and for him that may mean the affair. Check out my links on bad therapy:

Bad couples therapy - Dr. Wm Doherty

Hazardous therapy - same author

My list of things to ask before hiring a counselor or coach

He has not agreed to n/c letter to OW, and I find this to be an absolute must. He does not want to hurt her..... She works FOR him, and he absolutely refuses to have her transfered.

Before the n/c the affair needs to end, and that obviously has not happened. If he is more concerned with her feelings than yours, you can assume it is still going on.... particularly if he's out of the house.

Is she married... do you know?

I cannot get involved with his work affairs in fear that they will fire him and everthing is lost.

Actually.... far better that you get involved now before it goes farther and she files a suit.... she has grounds.

He says he is not "seeing" her, but I believe otherwise. His secretary tells me he has said he's getting a divorce, OW prances around merrily while his family is in sorrow. I staked his friend's house twice and he doesn't come home till around 3am. I know he's with her!

Yes of course he is.

I've been following plan A for about 1 weeks now, we are cordial, he's around for the boys for anything they need, follows our usual routine of school pickups and practices, cooks for us, hangs out at the house, etc.

There's far more to PlA than that.

I am now heavily medicated, etc.... But I know he's deciding (or decided)..... therefore, your Harvey's quote about if he's deciding, plan B...confuses me.

What he's telling you is said under the influence. You cannot take it at face value. It's what he feels now while he is in the fantasy land of an A....it's not a statement based in reality. When people have affairs it's as if their intelligence and their ability to make rational decisions is switched to about quarter power.

So, although he's said he's decided... you ignore that and go through the steps you need to take.

I can do this if I just have a plan........(or a leash)

The leash might do well when you get on the Springer show..... LOL

But for the time being until you get scheduled for that show....here's what you need to do.

1. Tell him what you know, how you know it, and how you feel. Ask him to end all contact with her and recommit to the marriage. (I think you've pretty much done this, but it's the first step.)

2. Tell. Your family, his family, your friends and most importantly his boss and her husband if they are married. You know how I reccomend you do this? If you need words let me know.... but if you've been reading other stuff I've written you've probably seen it.

3.Eliminate your lovebusters. No demands, no disrespect, no losing your temper. Independent behavior is something we need to talk about, when there's infidelity there's a difference between things you need to do to end the A and things you do that are simply irritating.

4. Meet needs and be as pleasant as you can when you are together.

5. Plan B - my gut feel? In about 6 weeks if nothing changes.

You can assume that he will be horribly angry when you do these things. Let him. Put on your duck suit and let it roll off your back. It's the addiction using intimidation tactics to frighten you into backing off. Don't do it, be strong.

That's PlA.... not nearly as easy as just being nice and waiting it out, but the danger in that is multi layered. First, you will wear down and feel like you're going crazy.... the day will come when you'll decide he's not worth the trouble.

Second the longer the A goes on, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it will be for him to pull away.

Third as he and she are together longer you lose the immediate disapproval aspect of friends and family. Even though they may not like the fact that he is with someone else, human nature being what it is, most will eventually accept that this is what he wants to do. For best effectiveness you need to get that disapproval at its height working in your favor.

C