Cerri... I am looking for a counselor but I do not know what kind I need... My H was a SA. You can read my story "in recovery" on page 30. First of all There was no diagnosis as to whether he was an SA or not for sure.I would like your opinion on that, please......

H and I love each other but need help in overcoming his actions. H would like to just put it away, but I am the one who is having trouble. My problem is if my H has told all the truth, he says he did over and over again but I have a hard time believing it because he lied over and over again for 6 months, giving story after story about each encounter he had.

So, I need help in deciding was it an SA?
Need help in overcoming my doubt of having all the truth? Also, what kind of counselor do I get? Some I know have no knowledge of SA at all. I desperately need help in finding one. Any suggestions???? Thanks for your help. I know you are very busy Maxlo

So are you looking for someone for you or for your marriage?

Have you done any of the assessments for SA? I tend to have a looser description of an addiction than those in the research and recovery field. My position is that if it is something the person has attempted to stop and cannot then there's a problem. Also, if they refuse to take your feelings into account when it comes to eliminiating whatever the behavior is then it's leaning that way as well.

What you call the behavior isn't as important as what you do going forward. Addiction or not there was some sort of infidelity and recovery demands that you craft and implement extraordinary precautions so that it doesn't happen again.

Do you have a link to where you are on the Recovery board?

C

Cerri thanks for replying. I don't know how to post a link. All I can tell you is that I am on page 31...under the title..MY STORY....PLEASE READ in the recovery section.

The problem is for me. I am the one having difficulty getting over what he has done. I know that sounds stupid when you read my story but I am. My husband says I need help and I agree but I don't know how to find a counselor. I need someone to talk about this with and give me guidance how to deal with the pain and constant obsessing. We both are committed to this relationship. It is going on 35 years of marriage for us next month.

About the addiction, my H feels he had one but I'm not too sure anymore. In my story, I mention the guys and girls he had sex with. I could see the guys as a SA because of his childhood but where do the girls fit in? I can see where the two girls in 76 fit in b/c that is right after the he was with the guys. Why did it start in 69 after 1 year of marriage? H gives the reason that he probably always had this SA and for awhile I was his addiction, but then needed more.

H says after the guys he felt ashamed, guilty, and always said to himself that this was the last time. After calling the 1st two girls (one in69 other in 71 doesn't know how he felt. In 76 felt bad b/c he knew he should not be doing this. Reading my story you can see how he quit. That is in the post right after the original post.

I need help. It has come down to at times I Lb him and really don't want to. He gets angry and in turn I get angry and then we don't speak for awhile. What can we do. I can't let this marriage of 35 years go down the sewer?

Thanks Cerri.... People on MB say you are just great and if anybody can help me I think you can Maxlo

Ok, do this.... go to the page with your info on it

Highlight and copy the address in the bar at the top of the page.... where it begins http://

Then come back here and paste that address into a reply window.

I took a quick look but I didn't see it.

And if someone out there knows where her story is and can do this for Maxlo that would be wonderful.

C

THANK YOU!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok.... here's what I think and you're probably not going to like it.... so be it, I'm used to it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All of this happened a long time ago, and it seems there is no infidelity in the recent past... correct? It also seems that your husband has been very good about filling in the details and about being honest with you regarding the things he did in the past.

So, that being the case, I think that you going to a counselor to bring this all up again and rehashing it would be a very bad idea.

Resentment needs food. And the diet that keeps it alive is poking and prodding around in the memories. There is nothing you can do to change the past. And there is nothing you can say or that someone else can say TO you that will make how you feel about all of this any better.

It sucks. It was a horrible thing to do, and most likely the most painful events you've had to endure. Nothing anyone says or does can possibly make it better. There is no understanding or lightbulb that is going to go off in your head that will take away the pain.

So talking to a counselor is just going to feed the hurt and the resentment more and more. Every time you go and every time you discuss it you are going to walk out of the session feeling ill and irritable and angrry all over again.

As long as the behaviors are a thing of the past they need to stay in the past. The only way to let go of resentment is to let it go. You need to find ways not to let your mind go down that path. And I would even suggest that coming here and posting about it is counter to any healing that might take place.

Now, having said all that I think there are some things that you could do on the positive side. Instead of counseling to continue to dredge up old hurts how about you and hubby working together to explore meeting needs and enjoying each other.

The best way to heal is to create a marriage that is wonderful right now. Are you spending 15 hours a week giving each other your undivided attention and meeting each other's most important emotional needs? If you are not doing that then your marriage is not going to thrive.

That would be my first suggestion. Leave the past in the past. Spend more time together meeting the needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Just think on this for a moment.... you only have so much time. Do you want to spend it in a counselor's office digging up old crud or do you want to go out with your hubby and enjoy each other's company? Which is the likliest route to a happy marriage?

C

Thanks Cerri. I must say your first statement, when I read it, made my stomach turn over. I didn't know if i wanted to read more. I did and think you advice is absolutely right. I even showed my H your response and he agreed and didn't rub it in my face as "I told you so."

I guess I spent so much time trying to separate the truth from the lies that I never dealt with the actual pain from his acting out. Now I am dealing with that. My H never heard of SA til I mentioned it to him one day. We talked about it and he has read "Out of the Shadows." He feels he had this problem. Child abuse, going from one sexual encounter to another, anonymous sex, just for the high he felt before the actual sex act, shame and guilt, no emotion with any of the girls and treated them just like the guys, and always wanting and promising himself to stop.

I believe H is truthful in no more betrayal after the 70's b/c of his change of job, my pregnancy, and he did take a polygraph to prove to me. He passed the second one done by a real professional. The first one when H was lying he flunked royally. As for quality time together, we have always since day 1 of our marriage spent every minute when we were not working together. I mean every single minute. People would say,"If you see M--, you see E--." We still do today, and even more so that both of us are retired. In fact, tomorrow we are going to Devil's Lake in Wisc. for 2 days of camping and then Sunday leave for a week to stay in Eagle River, Wisc. We are from Il., but love Wisconsin.

Thanks again for all your help. I feel better already (at least a little bit). I felt I needed a professional answer and you gave me one. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. People on this site are sure lucky to have you to talk to and now I am one of the lucky ones too. Thanks. Maxlo

You're welcome!!

This is your new obsession <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Fifteen hours a week, giving each other your undivided attention and meeting the needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Enjoy Devil's Lake, never been there, but I'm sure it's a great place to build some balance in the love banks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maxlo3:
<strong>... tomorrow we are going to Devil's Lake in Wisc. for 2 days of camping and then Sunday leave for a week to stay in Eagle River, Wisc. We are from Il., but love Wisconsin.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maxlo3-
I envy the timeoff you'll have. I don't know about Devil's Lake either but you'll love Eagle River! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is a wonderful time to visit the North Woods area. The fishing should be excellent if you're into that and most of the summer tourists should have departed for more southern locations by now. Oh, and say 'hi' to my STBX in-laws if you see them just west of town off of 70. The don't talk to me anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

HoFS