Sorry to add yet another thread, but I'm wanted this one to be just for the critique of my plan B letter. Here it is,thanks.

I removed the letter for security reasons, I don't think W should see it until it is time! She was snooping around last night, so let me know if you want to read it and I'll post it again.

<small>[ September 24, 2003, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

Sounds good and strong and loving to me.

Well done, be strong and remember to take care of yourself :-)

RJP,

This is a heck of great Plan B letter. I'll have to go read the other threads to find out how you ended up here....but the letter is a keeper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow...that's an absolutely beautiful letter! I would have to think long and hard about what you've said. It certainly brought tears to my eyes.

I know my H carried around my heartfelt letter for weeks, one that expressed very similar thoughts to yours, and he's since told me that he took it out and re-read it often.

I did not know it then, but he was in the middle of an A. Now his comments saying my letter had arrived "at a bad time" make sense to me.

But nevertheless, it made him think. And he's still thinking. So take heart: you never know what they are thinking about...

Awed

P.S. It's the editor in me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...in the last paragraph, it should be "of" not "off".

Awed, thanks for the edit in the last paragraph!

RJP:

I've just been briefly over some of your last posts (so take this with a grain of salt).

2nd paragraph: Normally in a Plan A, you would have made some consistent, demonstratable changes to your behaviors that you could highlight. If you haven't been there long enough, add this:

I desire a happy, healthy, and passionate marriage with you and am eagerly willing to take the steps needed for that to happen, including remaining in marriage counseling with Jennifer Chalmers.

The child care issue comes off as a demand. I understand your situation very well (having been there a long time ago), but would you consider moving out instead of your wife, if push came to shove? You've indicated that she might try a grab-and-run with the kids---although unlikely, you don't want to provoke this. I'm not sure that I have a better way to phrase this in the plan B letter tho---if you indicate room for negotiation here, she'll be all over it.

One good issue about moving out in Plan B with children---if the kids are old enough (say four or older), they'll put a hell of a lot of pressure on your wife. On the other hand, given my preference, I would rather have the wayward spouse leave...

Other than those two minor comments, it's a stellar plan B letter.

K-

I've told the wife several times that in no uncertain terms I will not be leaving the house. If she wants to go, I won't stand in her way, but I'm not leaving. Jenn advised me that if I go, it could be considered abandonment, and I'd get hosed in court. Besides, that would make it all the easier for the affair to take place.

On the subject of the kids, I know it sounds like a demand, but I don't know how else to phrase it. The only other alternative I'd consider is letting her take them to her folks house during the work week, I'd get them on the weekends. I would MUCH rather they slept at home though. They don't need any more instability right now.

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
<strong>Other than those two minor comments, it's a stellar plan B letter.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good enough for me.

RJP, what I would do is run all this by Jennifer, and if the plan is B, then make sure you follow to the letter the process for implementing it, as that is crucial. It should not be a mad, vengeful thing. Your letter reflects that correctly, but it can be hard to avoid it in conversation and body language, etc.

Mike-

I have another appointment with Jenn for tomorrow night, to get her perspective on this. Thanks.

Wonderful letter. I thought the same thing about the kids and the demand thing. I also agree that they need to stay with you...... soooooo.... how about saying something like - This is my proposal for the children. I am adamant that they remain in their home in order to disrupt their lives as little as possible but I am open to discussing how the daily childcare is handled. -

Something along those lines softens the demandish sound and yet maintains your boundaries on the children. I also agree with not leaving your home, particularly since she is mostly gone anyway.

C

I've revised and re-pasted the letter in it's original spot up top, please go back and re-read it and let me know what you think.

Thanks,
RJP

RJP,

Not that I like to see people come to this point, but it's excellent. Nice job with the "softening"---great suggestion, Cerri.

And one thing that I wanted you to realize. This Plan B will likely throw your wife together with OM for even more time together. It will make it easier for him to attempt to fill all her needs. Just remember---that's part of the "Plan", and it most cases, the OP ends up failing pretty spectacularly at this.

Good luck.

I like that much better.... a "kinder gentler" sort of demand... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

C

Here is my plan for implementaion, let me know what you think of this...

Assuming (there is a precedent here!) that she will be out very late on Friday or Saturday night, I am planning to change the locks, pack her a bag and leave it and the letter on the front step, change the garage door code and back her car out, pack up the kids and the dog and spend the night at my Dad's. I'm assuming she will go absolutley postal when she reads the letter and I don't want the kids to be exposed to that, besides she'll probably have a good bit of liqour in her and who knows what she'll do!!! On the way out, I'll drop a copy of the letter in the OM's mailbox. I'll return in the morning and wait for the fallout, which won't be pretty.

I know that is a lot of independant behavior, but this is what I had in mind.

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

<sigh> Ok, I'm having a really hard time with this. I agree that you need to be in PlB. And I agree that you should stay in the home with your kids. But I have very strong feelings about kicking a woman out of her home. I don't have those issues when it's the man who is having the A, but this is something that women just don't get over.

So many of the things you need to do to end the A will make the WS angry. But as we've talked about, it's the anger of the addiction that is threatened and is now fighting back. When the A ends that anger dissipates (if not sooner) because it's the anger of fantasy.

But when it comes to kicking a woman out of her home....ewwwwww..... this is something that I think rankles long after the fact. Women and their homes are connected.

<bigger sigh> I don't know what to tell you RJP, you're really stuck and if it's a choice between her possible anger and the inevitable trashing of your love bank then you have to protect the LBnk, but it's not the way I'd like to see it go down?

Anyone else thoughts??

C

RJP,

The transition from Plan A to Plan B should be done with an eye towards reinforcing your spouse's opinion that you CAN change your behavior and have done so by establishing a consistent track record during Plan A. So, you would like to avoid all lovebusting opportunities that you can in going to Plan B. Going to Plan B does not give you carte blanche to beat up on your spouse (emotionally).

Can you think of a better way to handle this? There may not be, but this is pretty extreme. If she hasn't agreed to move out, I'd be concerned about forcing her to pull a stunt like grabbing the kids (or filing a false battery claim against you).

Well, what do want me to do??? We've only been there a year (although it is our first home, which I suppose only makes it worse). And I built the damn thing!!! (I'm not yelling at you, I'm expressing frustration... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) She keeps threatening to leave, I figured I'd call her bluff. Besides, as mentioned earlier, I can't leave!!! And the kids need their home!!! How else do you see this going down?!?!?!?

Have you attempted to discuss this calmly with her, and see if you can help her move out? You really should be trying to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement in all your dealings with her (even though she's obviously not reciprocating). I understand your feelings about your home---but if you end up divorced, you may be liable to lose it anyway.

This part is tricky. What's good for your marriage, what's good for the kids, and what's good for you economically are not always going to be aligned. You need to look at the tradeoffs and try to figure out a long-range plan that will try to get you where you want to be (a recovered marriage). Dumping someone out on the streets is a tough smackdown, especially if you haven't been in Plan A for very long.

RJP,
CONSULT AN ATTORNEY!!! are you not getting it?! before doing anything further you need professional advice!

you can't just toss a person out of their home with out cause; and the fact of the matter is that although she is a cheat and is doing it in your face, it's not considered cause...not in most states anyway.

you must consult with someone before you do irreperable damgae to your legal position not to mention your moral position. and by the way, don't get into any agruments with her that may cause the police to come visit. be very careful...VERY!

if it were me, i would see an attorney tomorrow first thing, then arrange for her parents and yours, to come over to the house to hash it all out together...where she is going and what her rights will be as far as the children are concerned. these are not decisions that *YOU* can make unillaterally. and with others there to witness the discussion, no there will be no lies or misunderstandings.

one last question? if she decides to stay, do you still want to go to plan B? will you then ask her to leave? i only mention this because up until now, all you've done is react to her actions and plan B is a fairly final kind of thing...once done it's not like you can take it back...so just be sure that this is where YOU want to be.

coach

Hi RJP... my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Your situation is tricky. If I was in your shoes I would talk to my wife. Explain to her how much pain it causes you to constantly hear her saying that she'll leave soon, - tell her how much you love her and SHOW her how you've changed. Give her a week or tree to move out of the house.
Stay where you are with the kids. As you say, they need consistence and stability in their lives.
Kicking your wife out the way you planned to... Mmmmm... not a good idea IMHO. You'll have to stay calm and avoid anything drama related - you must act with integrity and a lot of civil manners for the income/outcome to be as you want it to.
Just my thoughts - I'm a newcomer here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />