I just found out about my wife's affair last night - I figured it out and called her while she is on a business trip that included the other guy. She made immediate plans to come home - but won't be here until tonight. I don't know what to do. Obviously now I am very distraught just trying to cope - but what do we say - what do I do when she gets here? I have so many questions but don't know how to start or even if to ask them. Please help.

I don't have any good advice for you, but i feel for you. You have come to the right place, these people here are really good, most have "been there, done that" and can really offer some good support. I'm kind of a newbie here, struggling with my own wifes A, so I'll spare you any of my advice. All I can say is good luck! I'm praying for you.

Sorry,have not got so much time...

My advice to you is to be kind, compassionate, to listen, listen and listen. Let her do most of the talking. You are in the BEST situation to save your marriage, because you can start with your Plan A right now. I did it from day 1 and four months down the road, my WH was in love with me again. Why I am in Plan B etc..is another story.

Read on this website all about love busters, read about your taker and giver, how affairs start...how affairs end. She is expecting to come home to defending herself, so she will have shields up. NO angry outbursts. NO disrespectful judgements. You are very very hurt right now, but you MUST hold yourself together if you want to turn this around and begin to save your marriage.

If you can, try to find out gently, what needs the OM has been fulfilling...

Gods Speed
Queen

You have come to the right place.
Right now your hurt is unbearable, soon the anger will well up I'm sure.
You need to remain calm with you WS that's for sure - and it is the most difficult thing to do.
The healing process, no matter what happens with your marriage takes a long time and has ups and downs and different phases. Come here for support and to vent!
Two books I highly highly recommend: "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring, and of course Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair". Books can be a huge resource as is good counselling. I also found having a journal helped me write things out and sort things through for myself.
You journey is only beginning... God Bless You.

Is it ok to ask questions? - I have so many of them beginning with the unanswerable "why"? I feel like I am in a movie - the script will be she shows up says how sorry she is - looks for some "thats ok" sympathy from me - I just can't give it now - she has already noted her emotional needs to me over the phone. I don't doubt it - but right now it seems so trite - I have no one for emotional support.

Ok, look, I know that I've said I'd offer no advice, but I can't help it. If you go into the discussion with your WW tonight expecting that script to happen, your gonna blow your top. If your spouse is anything like mine, she will not only NOT apologize but she will BLAME you. You need to be prepared for this. DO NOT unload on her, kick her out, scream or carry on. Sit there and listen, get up and go for a walk if you need to. Come here for support, call MB and set up an appointment with Jenn or Steve (I'm working with Jenn right now and I like her, she is very good).

You need to go into this with the firm understanding that you cannot believ ANYTHING your wife tells you about: the affair, your marriage, your wants, what she wants from you or the marriage, how she feels about what your doing to save the marriage. She is going to be in the fog and you cant base a course of action on her requests right now. I'd say it's ok to ask questions, but don't expect sympathy, don't make any demands. Just sit there and take her answers...NO ARGUEING (forgive the spelling here). Just stay cool, maybe try to get to the doctor and get some anti depressants (if you feel you'll have a tough time holding your emotions in check, they probably won't help you tonight but they will in days to come). Try to get some rest (sleeping pills work here) and try to eat something (I didn't eat for about a week after I found out).

Most importantly you need to know that you are not alone, most everyone here has been where you are. You CAN get thru this, God has got some big shoulders to cry on and he doesn't care how often you use them. I know it feels good to talk to someone in person, confide in a friend (same sex is important, you are hurt and vaulnerable now and don't need another woman taking care of you...if you catch my drift) but don't let them convince you to kick your W out, you can decide that lateer if you want, for now just deal with the emotions.

Let me know if you need any help. Hoppefully Cerri will respond to you before you meet with your wife, Cerri IS AWESOME, she is a proffesional and has great insight into dealing with these things. MikeC2 and K are also very good. All I can do is draw on what advice I've been given, but if you need someone to vent to, we are all here for you.

Also, take a look at Cerri's signature, she has some great quotes about the rules or what to do when your spouse is having an affair. Take them to heart. It is normal for her not to be sympathetic or remorseful. Do not believe her if she says she wants to end the marriage.

This is hard to type much less to implement, but you need to follow the rule of protection with your wife tonight. If you haven't read up on the 4 rules to marriage do it now. Basically, as it applies to your immeadiate situation, you need to protect her from you. Any angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, or guilt imposed by you will only drive her further away and give her all the justification for what she did. You need to offer her protection from that. You where hurt by her, but you love her. Portect her from your emotional response to the pain, which for most of us i think would be to lash out or attack the source of the pain. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, it makes you want to throw up to think that you somehow need to be protecting her at a time like this, but you do. As I said, go for a walk if you need to, get some fresh air...it helps for me. Take care and good luck!

Listen for the truth behind the words. When what she says makes you angry, ask for an explanation of what exactly she means. Most of the time you will find that the words she uses have different meanings to you than to her. Once you understand what she REALLY means, you will likely be less angry. I disagree that you can believe nothing she says. That is pretty common, but not universal. One thing that is usually pretty close to the truth in these conversations is the criticisms you will hear of your own behavior, and your contributions to what was wrong in the marriage. She may well blame you for her affair, which is ridiculous, but the reasons she gives in blaming you are probably REAL issues in your marraige that you will need to address in Plan A and/or recovery.

My wife was rather atypical, because on DDay she was completely truthful, and did not blame me at all. However, having an affair distorts the WS's perceptin of reality, so on DDay my wife said to me: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “We have a good marriage. It wasn’t about you, it wasn’t about him and it wasn’t about sex.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those statements seemed ludicrous to me. But, it was partly curiosity about what those words meant that kept me around. My wife is a very intelligent woman. I didn’t understand how she could really believe (and she really did believe they were true at the time she said them) what she had just said. My dominant thought was probably that she was lying to herself. But, I had a sneaking suspicion somewhere in the back of my head that there was something I had missed - something I didn’t understand about those words. Part of recovery was for me to find out what was true about them, and for her to find out what was false.

I agree with everything said here.
When you get the chance to talk to her try and sit back and just listen to her.
It will be hard.
She will probably say some really stupid things - yes, I do mean stupid.
But don't tell her that. Because what she is feeling right now is very real to her.
And don't panic if she says "it is over, I want a divorce" or "I love him so much" or even "I am not sure I ever loved you" (remember - she is likely to say something stupid!)
We have all heard these phrases. It is as if they have all read a script somewhere. But these are statements made during a very emotional time, and nothing changes faster than emotions. You will be sad, then angry, then sad again, that quickly. She will be to.
Start a journal. Write everything down.
Read, read, read.
Find someone you can talk to.
Come here often.
You ARE a good person. None of us are perfect. But you do NOT deserve this.
Hang in there. Hope springs eternal.
----let me give you a little tid bit that might make you smile. This is something that my husband said to me in the beginning that really hurt my feelins at the time, but now it sounds so ridiculous to me that it makes me laugh. He said that the OW (other woman) was EXACTLY like him. In fact he refers to her as "him, without a penis" God help me, he better never refer to ME as him without a penis.

L4AA:

How are you doing today? How did the talk go with the W? I was just thinking about you and thouht I'd drop you a line to see how you are doing.

Thank you so much for asking. She was home by about 9:45 last night - We talked - I listened most the time. She said she wants to work it out - agreed to terminate all contact immediately. (although she did hesitate a little on that and referred to the work part of the interaction) I Didn't sleep at all - still feel very vulnerable. I checked her e-mail after she gave me the password. She didn't realize that some messages were still in sent folder - they were devastating. They had all kinds of planning for the trip she was just on - stuff I should have guessed at "sleeping next to each other all night for two nights" "loving to be together" calling "sweetheart" I guess I knew that would be there but it is a shock when you see it. I am still very rattled - I copied the e-mails and told her that if I had to go to Plan B I had them. So far she is saying that we will work it out - but my level of trust is so low. I do have another question - I don't know where to sleep. last night I slept in our guest room - it seemed so crazy to sleep in the same bed and I told her I wanted to be closer to our kid's rooms. Does anyone have any advice for this? When should we sleep in the same bed? Not sex just sleep?

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: looking4ananswer ]</small>

Every situation is different. Most nights after I found out, I slept holding my husband--had to have reassurance that he was "with" me in a tangible way. Other nights I was so furious I wanted to be as far away from him as possible--those were the sleepless nights in the guest room.
It may be a while before you feel up to sleeping together. Some people report not being able to tolerate sex together for a time, others report intense sexuality--a "reclaiming the territory" so to speak. You just don't know how you are going to respond until you get there, then wade through as best you can and learn from the experience.

L4AA:

Well I'm glad to hear taht you made it thru the night without any drama. Seriously, go to your doctor and AT LEAST get hooked up with some sleeping pills. My Dr. put me on some really nice non-narcotic, non-habit forming pills that he said have a mild anti-depressant effect. They take about an hour to work but when they do, you couldn't keep your eyes open if you wanted to. And, I find that I can wake up with no grogginess (don't know if that is a word..?!?!?).

As for the sleeping in the same bed, the night I found out, I just curled up in the fetal position on the couch, with a small throw blanket and shook all night. Didn't eat or sleep for a week...literally, I lost 27 lbs. Anyway, that is why I'd highly recomend some anti-d's. They are not going to numb you from the pain, but they will help you to get a grip on the emotional swings. Believe me, I don't like taking pills for anything...but I see this as a necessity in these situations. There cetainly is no shame in it. I sleep in the same bed as my wife, there is about 2 feet of space between us but it is the same bed. She was insistant on NO physical contact between us, at least for the first couple of weeks. I kissed her for the first time in 25 days last night. It felt really good. I miss her. In my opinion, plan A is to make the changes necessary to make the M more atractive than the A. I would go about trying to meet the needs she will let you, if affection (not sex, just sleeping next to her or holding her) is one of them, do it. It appears as thouh she was looking forward to sleeping next to the OM, probably for the warmth and affection. Show her that you can run circles around this guy. Don't force her, but address the opportunities she presents you. I'm kinda assuming here that she would not object to you sleeping in the saame bed.

As I said yesterday, you are in unbearable pain right now. It is most important for you to take care of yourself right now. I find it funny (and I do the same thing) that people go looking for stuff that they know will serve no other purpose than to cause them a great deal of pain. Your looking over her sent e-mails strikes me as fitting that mold. You already knew about the A, what purpose did it serve to keep doing the research? I asked Jenn once, do I keep spying on my W? She asked what the point was? The W knew that I knew what was going on, we all know it is an inappropriate relationship, she knew how I felt about what was going on, and how I felt about her actions and she did them anyway. Jenn didn't see the point in continuing to hurt myself more than I already was. I had to learn to put my curiosity on the back burner. It was a major LB when my W realized she was being spyed on, so I stopped. Now, if you and your wife are in recovery, you should be able to keep track of each other, and that would include checking her in box. I just don't see the point of reading the mail she sent prior to you knowing.

I'm sorry you are going thru this, it really sucks. At least your wife has expressed the willingness to work it out and end all contact. Mine was adamant that we were over for about 3 weeks and only now is saying that there may be a slim chance we can work it out. It's something to work with! And she talked with Jenn last night, which is a complete 180 from her previously held position of "whats the point?"

Good luck and keep us posted.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

I guess as part of this whole where to sleep thing there is the question of physical contact. (again not sex) Hugs, embrace etc. I feel so much like if I do it it will be sending the message that "its ok - I am here - no big deal" and as we know it is a big deal. I don't want to send the wrong message - mentally maybe I am trying to punish her because she did hug me, embrace etc. when she was seeing the OM and what kind of a lie was that? (I am not sure that will be out of my mind, as well as wondering if she is thinking of him) On the other hand she has always been that source for comfort and just knowing that another human soul "MAY give a damn" can mean so much. Even with the betrayal I emotionally just want to hold her. Is that bad? Good? Depends? It might only be temporary relief but I am not certain that anything other than time will provide anything else. I was with her when she sent the e-mail to the OM saying it is over - she was tearful - my problem is that I don't know if those were tears for my pain or her emotion for giving up the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my problem is that I don't know if those were tears for my pain or her emotion for giving up the OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably both. She WILL go through withdrawal. I had the joy of experiencing this twice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , once when we moved away from the OM and my wife THOUGHT the affair was over, and I still didn't know about it - but her mood sure made me suspicious, and then again 14 months later after DDay, which was also the day the affair REALLY ended (they had continued to see each other during business trips). Read up on this in SAA. If you can find it in yourself to comfort her over her loss, you can win big lovebank ponts. If not, just give her a little space.

Yes you are probably mentally trying to punish her - AND you are trying to protect yourself from her. In general, though, physical contact is good. It meets both of your emotional needs.

L4AA:

Why does it matter why she feels bad? Why does it matter what she is thinking right now when she wants to hold you? I understand the feeling of wanting her to feel some pain right, after all she basically did a tap dance on your heart, right? But, you need to realize that she IS hurting right now also. This isn't easy for her, she bacame intiamte with this OM because she was missing something in the M, and that feeeling of neglect is pretty painful. On top of that, she has done something so devasting to her husband, the man she loves (it sounds like she still loves you anyway). She is probably racked with guilt, fear, and pain (not that it isn't justified. All I'm trying to say here is; you love her and she loves you. She F*cked up HUGE here. She knows it, you know it, the OM knows it. Your going to hurt for a long time over this, but you need to love your wife. If you don't, she will go to someone who will...OM! You're not sending the message that this is ok or that you forgive her and everything is cool by showing your wife that you love her. What you will be doing is making it safe for her to be with you and get over the OM. If you keep punishing her and driving her away from you, you might as well pack her a bag. At least that is the way I see it, MB vets can set me straight here if they wish. I tend to think that if you make this hell for her by making her feel guilty or by being distant from her, then she WILL be thinking of the OM and what she's missing. I don't know, think about it.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess as part of this whole where to sleep thing there is the question of physical contact. (again not sex) Hugs, embrace etc. I feel so much like if I do it it will be sending the message that "its ok - I am here - no big deal" and as we know it is a big deal. I don't want to send the wrong message - mentally maybe I am trying to punish her because she did hug me, embrace etc. when she was seeing the OM and what kind of a lie was that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">l4aa, don't worry about the message. If you need comfort from your W seek it. You will have plenty of time to send messages as you heal and she goes through withdrawal. If you need her near you, the have her near you. If you need a hug, and she is willing then let her. Believe me you are NOT sending the wrong message by being HONEST.

As for punishmen, don't worry about that either. IF what she did doesn't cause a deep sense of guilt there is little you could do to really hurt her anyway. If she does have a conscience, that will end up punishing her more than you can.

Just take your time, talk with her, listen to her, and let yourself recover from what you have learned. I would definitely keep the emails. They may have a variety of uses, depending on whether or not she and OM actually do end their affair.

"radical honesty" is the primary message of this site. Above all else be honest, and I think you will do OK.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (I am not sure that will be out of my mind, as well as wondering if she is thinking of him) On the other hand she has always been that source for comfort and just knowing that another human soul "MAY give a damn" can mean so much. Even with the betrayal I emotionally just want to hold her. Is that bad? Good? Depends? It might only be temporary relief but I am not certain that anything other than time will provide anything else. I was with her when she sent the e-mail to the OM saying it is over - she was tearful - my problem is that I don't know if those were tears for my pain or her emotion for giving up the OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She WILL think of OM. Women don't usually sleep with men they are NOT emotionally attached to. She has big decisions to make as you do. I strongly recommend that your time for making decisions be about 6 months out. Before then, do your best to be a good husband to her. Be honest with her, and avoid the Love Busters, LB's. This is a hard road you are on, and it has many ups and downs. That is why you will come to value honesty like you never have before. It will be your anchor.

hang in there and God Bless,

JL

looking4ananswer you may want to consider communicating to her about setting aside hours and/or days of the week where the topic of her affair can be discussed. The purpose of this is that by BOTH of you agreeing to this, there is less of a chance that the affair will become an obsession that could undermine your (and your wife's) personal and marital recoveries. Not to mention knowing ahead of time when both of you can talk about the affair, can help the two of you to think ahead of time what aspects of the affair you two want to discuss. If you two can do this, there is much more of a chance of two cooler heads prevailing over an overly emotional subject.

L4AA-

How are things going today? How was your night last night? How are your kids doing? do they know what is going on?

Mine are 2 and 4 (as the tag line says) and my 4yo was pretty perseptive that things are not right in our house. He started asking me (before I actually knew for sure) if mommy still sleeps here, why mommy cries so much, why mommy gets so crabby with me, and so on. Goes with out saying, but don't forget to take care of your kids during all this. I find it is a little theraputic for me as well.

Take care.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

My question is, what do you know about the OM? Is he married? How does the OM and the WS work together? Has your spouse come clean and told you everything?

You need listen and place your self in her shoes to determine what problems you have in your marriage the led her to take the actions she has. The other concern is further contact with the OM. When she cried, I hate to tell you that is was for the OM. She currently has a stronger bond with the OM than with you. You need to start working on redeveloping the relationship you have with your wife until her feelings for you are just as strong as her feelings for the OM are today. The good thing is that your wife has decided to stay with you and work on the marriage. That is a great first step. She has also sent a NC letter which is a great second step. Your marriage will recover and she will exit the fog as long as she has NC with the OM. If she has contact, that will keep her feeling for him around and she will stay in the fog. I know this. Wife had A with neighbor. We could not afford to move for another 2 1/2 years. I discovered the second A with the same guy 6 months after moving because they started communicating again just before we moved. It has been 3 years since the second A and everything is working out fine. We are trying for our third child.