Do I confront the OM in my wife's affair? I have not even had a face to face talk with her about it yet - just found out over phone. She will be home tonight. In any case she will have to quit her job unless the OM is willing to drop her company as a law client. It will have a serious financial impact on us. She said on the phone she loves me and wants our marriage to work (of course I have no basis for trusting that) but is seems to me if it is going to work out she cannot have any dealings with him - so I am back to my initial problem. Do I let her tell him its over and assume she did - or do I need to confront him?

Another question I have is do I tell our families. Obviously not our 3 kids ages 1-7. What about her parents - my parents - should I call them now? Wait until she gets home and say I want to - or not at all?

I would say NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!

Don't do ANYTHING right now except take care of yourself. Give this a week or so to sink in so you can efectivly deal with it. Remeber, you can't undo anything you do right now, so it's best to do nothing. Get on some anti-d's and let them work, it may take a couple of weeks to get the full effect.

I jumped the gun and actually took my kids (4 and 2) down to the OM's house to confront him, I also told the families (hers and mine) the same day. It felt good at the time, but you have NO IDEA of the anger that will be headed your way from her when you do that. Also, I think the timing of what I did basically drove her into his arms. Up until that day, I have my strong hunch's (grammer!?!?) that it was only an EA, I thnik they may have started the physical part of the affair that night. She came home that night at 3:30 and stood in the entry way and bawled her eyes out. She couldn't look at me or talk to me. She slept on the couch that night and when I tried to hug her (yeah, that's right, I got up to find her crying in the entry way and I tried to comfert her...now that's compassion!) she screamed at me (at about the top of her lungs) not to touch her and to get the hell out of her sight.

Trust me, just take care of yourself for a week or two. This is going to take a couple of YEARS to sort out and repair, so pace yourself. Don't jump the gun. You are playing with fire and any mistake you make will do irreporable (spelling!?!?!) damage. This, as Mike says, is a message board - NOT THERAPY!!! Get the pros involved, they are experts at dealing with infedelity.

If she will NOT immediately end the affair, then you should tell everyone, because exposure will hasten the end of it. Otherwise, use the Policy of Joint Agreement. Yes she will need to end all contact with him. The book "Survivng An Affair" by Harley will show you a good way to do this, as well as the rationale for why, in case you wife is resistant to the idea - which is likely.

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You can confront the OM, but you need time to plan it, so there is no risk that you will lose it and get violent. Even then, your best response is simply: "I know about the affair. I love my wife and want to fix ur marriage. Please have no further contact with her." and then leave or hang up or end the letter or email. Everything else is between you and her, not you and him. He may laugh at you or he may comply with your request or something in between - but it makes no difference. He didn't ever promise you anything. She did. So, the OM is mostly a distraction.

You should tell his wife, however, if he is married. You would want her to do the same for you if she knew and you didn't, right?

John, I respectfully disagree...sort of. I see that you have ALOT more experience here than I, but Jenn just told me Fri. that when you do start to implement a plan A, both her and Steve feel that exposing the A is just too much of an LB. They would like to see that wait until Plan B. Now she was quick to say that her dad (Dr. Harley, Phd.) says that plan A is the time to inform family, close friends, and ministers. The point being, under plan A, to tell people who care for both you and the WS and who will offer their support and encouragement to do the right thing. Under plan A you need to make changes and make the Marriage an actractive alternative to the A. Telling family and friends will take the shine off of what the WS has been doing. They now have to answer to everyone they know and respect, people they have known their whole lives. It isn't meant to be vengeful of done in spite. I know that is how my wife took it, she couldn't understand why I would drag her thru the mud and aire our dirty luandry to our families.

In any event, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, I saying don't do it now. Give yourself some time to adjust, so you are working with a level head. Get the help you are going to need to do this right. You can't do this correctly on your own. This is going to take time, there is no need to rush into it all headstrong and make a bunch of mistakes.

<small>[ September 24, 2003, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

I found out about my wife's affair after I contracted HSV from her, a result of of her having unprotected sex with the other man. I wanted to kill the other man and tried to locate him for one year, but in the end I could not find him. I drove by the spot where my wife met him every day on the way home from work in hopes of spotting his vehicle. I called places and lied about who I was in hopes of finding his unlisted phone number. In the end I realized that the most important thing that I needed to do was to rebuild my marriage. I knew that my marriage could not be saved if I was sent to jail for killing the other man, which is what would have happened. A few things need to be done right now.

First, your wife needs to be tested for STD's. I know that she will view this as unecessary, but your health is on the line and you need to be sure that she did not contract any STD's. Second, see your doctor and ask to be placed on anti-D's. I was prescribed Efexxor and Xanax after I told the doctor about my wife's affair. The Xanax was only prescribed for a 30-day period, but I am still taking Efexxor. These drugs will help calm you down and give you some peace while you decide what to do. Third, do not make any decisions with long lasting implications for at least 60-90 days. Let the dust settle and see if your wife is sincere about wanting to rebuild your marriage. If you decide to end your marriage too quickly you may regret it later. Finally, read all of the material you can about infidelity. This site offers many books for sale that will help you to understand why your wife let this happen. Keep posting for support and do not hesitate to ask for advice. We have all gone through the pain that you are feeling right now. There is hope and things will get better if you are both willing to work together to rebuild your marriage.

I would say be very careful before you confront the other person. I think in the long run it can be much more damaging to the recovery.

The OW called me at work. Said she didn't understand women like me. How could I want him when he had been spending his lunch hours with her. She said he and I had nothing (after 20 years). She told me that he told her that he thought of her everytime he made love to me. (he denied this). She told me how their affair started (with a bj). Said he told her everything, there was nothing he didn't tell her. That he was so passionate with her, couldnt keep his hand off her.

Speaking with her did more damage to me and my self-esteem than the fact that he had sex with her. 10 months later, I still question everything.

My advice would be no contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by boobyprize:
<strong>The OW called me at work. Said she didn't understand women like me. How could I want him when he had been spending his lunch hours with her. She said he and I had nothing (after 20 years). She told me that he told her that he thought of her everytime he made love to me. (he denied this). She told me how their affair started (with a bj). Said he told her everything, there was nothing he didn't tell her. That he was so passionate with her, couldnt keep his hand off her.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How painful! I've thought of contacting OW in passing. The only time I seriously considered it was if WS went away for a week 'to think about things'. I was going to call her at work to see if she was there. I wondered what I would say to her. Oh, it would kill me if she said something like what you heard. I could imagine WS saying the same things to her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> After hearing your story, I'm going to keep far away from OW.

I think in retrospect that anything said by the other woman/man is designed to cause pain to you.

Most of the time, they know that they have lost. I think they are probably in pain and they consider you the cause. Not that we BSs care but if you think about it. They want your WS, they have done and said everything they can think of to keep them. You have probably had major problems with your relationship, you are mad, hurt and confused, yet in spite of all of that your WS chooses you. Talk about a major blow to someone who is desperate enough to engage in a relationship with someone that belongs to another.

My H's OW wanted him so bad, she was willing to say anything to have him. She tried to get him to come over to her house. She hung up on him when he refused. She called him up and told him she had a date with another guy. She then told me that he told her he was very upset to think of her with someone else. He said he told her that maybe this would be Mr Right.

If you talk to the OW, you have to be able to sort out truth from fiction. How many of us are capable of that feat after we have had our hearts ripped out.

As for my husband, The thought of "That Person" (he calls her) makes him sick. He can't stand her. The good feeling he got from being with her has now turned to hatred. He hates her for what she has said to me, he hates her for the lies she told him, he hates her mostly because he now hates himself. He says that this affair hurt him too. I ask how? He says everytime he looks in my eyes now he sees doubt. He hates the knowlege that he is the one responsible for putting it there.

If your love is right and you both feel it there is an end in sight, but it is a very bumpy road.

BS 42f
WS 42M
Married 20 years
D-Day 11-17-02
Recovery going great! New found love!