I originally posted in Plan a/Plan b but I believe that is the wrong place to post for me right now. To provide you a background I am a BS. D-day was June 24, 2003 and I have been on the emotional roller coaster ever since. I discovered that my wife of 8 years was having an “unconfirmed “ affair with her boss and former friend of mine. I discovered via a saved voice mail on my wifes phone from her boss. I confronted her and , to this date, the most that I have gotten from her is that she admitted to having a close friendship with him that crossed the boundaries a bit. She has never admitted to kissing , hugging , or anything like that. The gist of the voice mail i discovered went like this:

“Hi , it is me …I would really like us to continue on….Yesterday was absolutely fabulous…I hope this isn’t causing you any problems but I would really like to continue on..Take care and talk to you soon”

I know that my wife visited her boss at his house the day before I found the voice mail. I also know that he was at home alone.

The actual voice mail was 1.5 minutes long. When I confronted WS with this she immediately came home from work and cried for the next 2 hours. She stated that she was sorry and she will not hurt me any more. I asked her what was going on and all I could get out of her was not much. Just a close friendship. I asked her to explain the voice mail and she gave me some lame story that they had a great talk and he just wants to continue to be able to have these great talks….What a bunch of BS. How can she expect me to believe this.

Anyways another important part of this story that really bugs me is that she went on birth control in January of this year. She told me it was to help our sex life so that we didn’t need condoms. No discussion about this she just did it.. She has to this day denied any PA took place. How come she is treating me like I am some stupid idiot ? This REALLY burns my [censored].

Anyways , the real problem I am having today is that she is still working with her boss. She did respond to her boss via e mail ( blind carbon copied to me) telling him that she , from now on , will discuss all personal issues with me and not him.

To this date she has never responded to the voice mail.

I have, to date, been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt on the fact that her personal friendship has been dissolved. I have been trying to support her more and am more or less trying to get her to open up to me. She has not to date and I am starting to wonder if she ever will. She has agreed to MC which we have had one session so far. Our next session is tomorrow.

MY PROBLEM:
I keep going over everything in my mind and I am starting to think that I am crazy for even attempting to move on with her still working there. I am trying to get her to open up to tell me more and then suggest she has to leave her successful career in the company.

I must say that she is starting to make an effort at our marriage ( ie..initiating affection, contacting me more frequently , and working less) .

I am just having a real difficult time moving forward knowing that she is in contact with this Ahole everyday. As time passes by I don’t think I can do this. I am starting to think about divorce more often but we have two awesome boys ( aged 8 & 4) that would be absolutely devastated.

I guess I just don’t know what to do and today has been a real diffcult one. I feel like barging into her office and confront her boss. It is a relatively small company though ( 25 people) and I have no idea how this will go over.

Sorry for the jumbled all over the place posting , but there is so much to tell . I am just writing whatever comes to mind.

Any thought s or comments would be apprecitated

Hi and welcome to MB,

Right now your emotions are running rampant. Not good for you or your W.

Please read the concepts sections above, get with a good MC or better yet, call Steve, Jennifer or Cerri @ mb for a phone counseling session or 2, read the books Suriving an Affair and His needs/Her needs. Both books are by Dr W. Harley.

Read it, take the emotional needs questionnaire, let your W read it and take the questionnaires also.

Keep us posted. There is a lot of support and a lot to learn. On the other hand, there is a lot at stake also.

take care,
L.

use2trust:

Don't misinterpret this, but it's likely that your W had a physical affair with her supervisor. I say don't misinterpret, because I would now like 2 tell you that it doesn't matter WHAT kind of affair it was/is. What matters is what you 2 intend 2 do about it now. Do you want your M? Do you want 2 restore your trust in each other (because you will likely find she doesn't trust YOU either. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but the trust issues go both ways).

When you see your MC, ask them about "emotional affairs." EAs are probably more harmful 2 marraiges even than PAs, because they involve an emotional attachment, and occur for the most part because people don't have well-defined boundaries of what's appropriate behavior between opposite sex friends. Before they know it, they've gone 2 far.

This is still new, so Orchid's right and you've got a lot of rollercoaster riding ahead of you. Consider getting a prescription for antidepressants. I was on prozac for a while last year, and it helped me tremendously.

Most counselors worth their weight will suggest that your W quit her job. This may come across as unacceptable 2 her. My W resisted this suggestion from me for more than a year and a half after I found out about her A (the OM consulted for her). But when she finally left the company 3 months ago, our relationship really started 2 improve. This has 2 be her choice, though. You don't want her 2 feel you're forcing her 2 do anything. So does opening up 2 you about her A. It is possible it wasn't physical, but it doesn't sound like it. For now, you either have 2 give her the benefit of the doubt while you work on being loving so that she can feel safe opening up 2 you.

Or, you can do what some people need 2 do, and snoop by either installing keystroke monitoring software on her computer, a tap on her phone (or a voice activated recorder hidden near the phone), or even hiring a PI 2 follow her. Most of us have snooped in one way or another, because we don't feel we're getting honesty at first (and often we're not). But be forewarned that it will make you feel "icky" (I know it did me), and when she finds out you've been snooping, she'll be angry (which unfortunately is almost a sure sign she's got something 2 hide) and won't trust you.

All through this tough next few months, whatever you decide 2 do, please do a lot of soul-searching. Go 2 a counselor alone. Better yet, call one of the Harleys for phone counseling. They're expensive, but they're so efficient that they'll very likely cost you less in the long term.

Read the articles on the home page about dealing with an affair, paying closest attention 2 the articles about "lovebusting" and "plan A". These 2 things will get you through the next few months the best. But they take some real effort! I know, I did a lousy job of plan A for over a year. Don't be like me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I wish you and your W all the best.
-kid 2long

Bring back those condoms...more than one of us has received an STD from a cheating spouse. I received one from a cheating BF (that will still deny it to this day...) If your W asks why, then tell her very matter of factly. You have to protect yourself until she gets tested.