I originally posted in Plan a/Plan b but I believe that is the wrong place to post for me right now. To provide you a background I am a BS. D-day was June 24, 2003 and I have been on the emotional roller coaster ever since. I discovered that my wife of 8 years was having an “unconfirmed “ affair with her boss and former friend of mine. I discovered via a saved voice mail on my wifes phone from her boss. I confronted her and , to this date, the most that I have gotten from her is that she admitted to having a close friendship with him that crossed the boundaries a bit. She has never admitted to kissing , hugging , or anything like that. The gist of the voice mail went like this:

“Hi , it is me …I would really like us to continue on….yesterday was absolutely fabulous…I hope this isn’t causing you any problems but I would really like to continue on..Take care and talk to you soon”

The actual voice mail was 1.5 minutes long. When I confronted WS with this she immediately came home from work and cried for the next 2 hours. She stated that she was sorry and she will not hurt me any more. I asked her what was going on and all I could get out of her was not much. Just a close friendship. I asked her to explain the voice mail and she gave me some lame story that they had a great talk and he just wants to continue to be able to have these great talks….What a bunch of BS. How can she expect me to believe this.

Anyways another important part of this story that really bugs me is that she went on birth control in January of this year. She told me it was to help our sex life so that we didn’t need condoms. No discussion about this she just did it.. She has to this day denied any PA took place. How come she is treating me like I am some stupid idiot ? This REALLY burns my [censored].

Anyways , the real problem I am having today is that she is still working with her boss. She did respond to her boss via e mail ( blind carbon copied to me) telling him that she , from now on , will discuss all personal issues with me and not him.

To this date she has never responded to the voice mail.

I have, to date, been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt on the fact that her personal friendship has been dissolved. I have been trying to support her more and am more or less trying to get her to open up to me. She has not to date and I am starting to wonder if she ever will. She has agreed to MC which we have had one session so far. Our next session is tomorrow.

MY PROBLEM:
I keep going over everything in my mind and I am starting to think that I am crazy for even attempting to move on with her still working there. I am trying to get her to open up to tell me more and then suggest she has to leave her successful career in the company.

I must say that she is starting to make an effort at our marriage ( ie..initiating affection, contacting me more frequently , and working less) .

I am just having a real difficult time moving forward knowing that she is in contact with this Ahole everyday. As time passes by I don’t think I can do this. I am starting to think about divorce more often but we have two awesome boys ( aged 8 & 4) that would be absolutely devastated.

I guess I just don’t know what to do and today has been a real diffcult one. I feel like barging into her office and confront her boss. It is a relatively small company though ( 25 people) and I have no idea how this will go over.

Sorry for the jumbled all over the place posting , but there is so much to tell . I am just writing whatever comes to mind.

Any thought s or comments would be apprecitated

Recovery starts with honesty. You need a plan for recovery, and you need professional help. Click on the link in my signature line for the best tools we found. I think we read most if not all of "Surviving an Affair" together before we saw an MC for the first time, and he said we were already heading in the right direction by the time we got to see him.

As long as she continues to work with him, you will be crazy, and she will not be able to completely let go. But read the books and links. There is time for everything, but the sooner the better, so don't delay

For a recovery to take place the WS, in this case your wife, needs to have no contact with the OM. You will never have peace of mind knowing that your wife is working with someone that she had either an emotional or physical affair with. From your post, and the mention of her going on the pill, I would venture to say that the affair was a physical one. I would ask her to submit a letter of resignation immediately. If she is serious about rebuilding the marriage then she should be willing to do this with no questions asked. If she gives you a hard time about finding another job, then you know that she is not serious about rebuilding the marriage and that she is in the fog. While in the fog she will be a cake eater, as in wants the security and support that you provide while still being able to continue with her affair. Buy and read some of the books from this site, especially Surviving an Affair. Bottom line, your wife needs to honor a policy of no contact with the OM.

Thanks for your posts.
I guess the first hurdle to me is that she must first fully admit to having an " affair" . She always gets mad if I ever refer to it like that and always just says it is a friendship. I truly believe that you hit the nail on the head when you said she is in "the fog". I think that is exactly what it is. I am giving her something she needs and so is her boss. I agree also that she is being a cake eater. I am glad you posted that because that is the way I have been thinking.

I just brought it up tonite that I would like to talk about it a bit and she blew up. Evertime I mention it she gets all mad. I feel like it is because she is so afraid of changing things. She always avoids the topic and wants to continue without change. I suppose I will have to talk about tomorrow with the MC. She is really a great woman and the thought of losing her is devastating to me but I know I will not be able to proceed on the basis that she still works with this guy.

I suppose I will just have to determine when the appropriate time is to take drastic action or deliver an ultimatum. A scary thought but I just don't know how else to lift the fog.

To the point of you giving her an ultimatum: there is a difference between a demand and a boundary. Read what Harley says about Love Busters (really, you should probably get the book, but the link will get you started. Then pick up Dobson's Love Must be Tough" or the book "Boundaries or "Boundaries in Marraige". You may need to state you boundaries, but that is not the same as making a demand.

Look, don't talk to her about the affair. Recovery starts with honesty, and you are not there yet. She is still in contact with the guy, so the affair is not dead, even if it is no longer physical and she has appropriate boundaries up at work (which is possible, but unlikely). You should be in Plan A. Read those links in my signature line page.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

In my opinion she has no reason to get mad when you ask her to talk about what happened. She was the one who admitted that her "friendship" with her boss may have crossed the line. All you are doing is attempting to find out what took place, which is certainly not unreasonable in my book. You cannot force her to talk, but I would let her know that you are concerned about what happened and that you need some peace of mind. The only way that you will be able to begin the recovery process is for her to be totaly honest with you. Getting angry and avoiding the subject is counterproductive and leads me to believe that she has something to hide. Be cautious though, your quest to gain information may push her into the other man's arms if you push her too hard.

Thanks for your posts..MFisher I think you hit the nail on the head. I find myself pushing for information and she just ends up getting mad and I am pushing her away.. I am having trouble coming to terms with this because I just don't understand her behaviour. Arent I the one suppose to be getting mad. Actually I do to and it always ends up in a big fight and then we don't talk for a while. This patter is not very healthy and I just don't know what to do right now to change it. Today we had our second MC session and it was a bust. I brought up the affair alot and we battled a bit with the counsellor. The counsellor asked my wife straight out if her affair became sexual and she became so uncomfortable. I have known my wife for 10 years and I can read her like a book. When I look at her I am seeing someone else. SHe is not that innocent loyal naive person I met. I look at her now and I see a scared girl who continues to lie so she doesn't have to disclose anything. HOW CAN I GET HER TO OPEN UP TO ME. I have tried everything from being supportive for a couple of weeks, demanding she tell me or I will leave, I even left for a hotel one night hoping it would trigger a response. It did nothing..deny deny deny. I don't get it . It is so frustrating. I just don't know how long I can put up with it. She really is a great person who I believe just got caught up in this affair unintentionally. I have taken full responsibility for not being there for her in the first six years of our marriage. I read Dr. Phils "Relationship Rescue" and the lightbulb finally came on for myself that I wasn't tending to my wifes emotional needs. I think if she would just confide in me everything that happened that I could forgive her and move forward. But how do I get her to confide. I guess maybe just time...I don;t know.

My advice is to let the dust settle and to go out of your way to meet your wife's emotional needs. Bring her flowers and talk with her about things that interest her. Don't be pushy when it comes to sex. If she brings up the affair, let her open up on her own terms. You cannot force answers out of her and it will only lead her to believe that you are a control freak. This will push her into the other man's arms, much like a teenager in rebellion against their parents. Order Surviving an Affair from this site and edjucate yourself. You need to have a game plan. Let your wife know that you are uncomfortable with her daily contact with the other man and that you would like for her to seek employment at another location. She is in the fog right now and will not be the person that you married mentally. This is a delicate situation. Watch out for things that turn her off or get her angry, which we call Love Busters. Good luck and God bless.