I'm new to this site, I stumbled across this site while trying to find some kind of help. I just found out on Sunday that my husband had an affair with 2 different people during our marriage. The first was about 5 years ago with a mutual friend of ours-it just happened once. The last one ended about 5 months ago. It was with my brother's ex-girlfriend and it lasted for about 5 months, so it was a relationaship. I think that is what hurts the most-is that he was so intimate with her. I just don't know what to do, or how to feel.I am so hurt, my heart is broken. I have no self-esteem, no self-worth, although that is not from my husband, it's from things from my past. I have contemplated suicide, not just since Sunday but always and it's just been worse since I found out. I don't feel like I am good enough or pretty enough because of the type of person he cheated on me with. He says he told me because he couldn't take the guilt anymore. He has been honest (I think) about everything I have asked him-he has never hesitated with an answer even if it's one he knows I don't want to hear. He wants to reconcile, and has cut her completely from his life since he told me. He had still been friends with her after they stopped sleeping together, but is not now. I don't know what to do-I want to retaliate and sleep with someone else, but I know that it would make it worse. I can't help but feel that way though. It's not like I haven't been propositioned-I just chose to adhere to my marriage vows. I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling, I just don't have anyone to talk to, I'm to ashamed to tell anybody what happened. It's too humiliating. I feel as though our whole relationship has been nothing but BS. Please send me some advice or encouragement....

Alora, sorry to see that you are here.

There are many at this site that have had very similiar experiences that you are going through now and can give you advice and the encouragement you now need.

I am in no way trained to give you advice, cept through the school of hard knocks, in other words have been there and done that.

Please, for your own sanity seek counseling now for yourself on your issues and a marriage counselor with your husband for the issues in your marriage.

One encouraging thing I see in your post is you are more fortunate than many here in that your husband DOES want to work on the marriage, many here, including myself have simply been abandoned by their spouses. I know it does not sound like much at a time like this, but do count yourself as fortunate that your husband came clean with you and wants to work on the marriage.

Also, read,read and read. There are many sources here for you to take advantage of. You can pick up Dr. Harley's book survivng a Affair as well other books.

Please come and vent here, people will respond to your questions. There are many that have kept my sanity in check at the times I have felt I was at the lowest point in my life.

We are all here for you..

Rookie

Alora,

First of all, let me say that we understand what you're going through. There are a number of things you can do to get through this. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it. Ask your husband to read it. Talk about it. See a doctor and check into antidepressants. It could be a great help to you right now. Schedule counseling for yourself and/or marital counseling. Or make a phone appointment through this site. Keep the number for the suicide hotline on you in case you start to feel you can't take it anymore. 1-800-SUICIDE is one of them. Things will be better.

Now for the good news, even if it doesn't sound like it. Your husband confessed to the affairs. He is answering your questions and wants to work on things with you. He denies that he is still in contact. This is great! I've been recovering with my husband and his multiple affairs for seven months and haven't gotten a full confession or the full truth. Even without that, I have lots of hope and things are improving steadily. Sounds as if your husband has made some terrible choices, but he's willing to swallow his pride and confess in hopes of having an honest relationship with you. This is a new beginning.

Hang in there, lady. Please see a counselor to work through your own self-esteem issues. You sound like an intelligent woman, you just need some help in appreciating yourself.

Click on the link in my signature line for some tools that helped us recover.

Alora,

You're not rambling at all. Those are feelings that alot of us, BS's have at one time or other.I can completely relate to your feelings of wanting to retaliate. So if you live close to Calif.............. No just kidding. Anyway as you can tell I'm still having those feelings. It really gets to me because I like you have been flirted with, propositioned and flat out had women throw themselves at me but I like you didn't betray my W or 3 children. I'm not saying I'm perfect 'cause I thought about it but each time I willed myself to another choice. Maybe our S's are in a similiar situation where their egos needed some "stroking". I shared this thought with my MC (alone of course) and he said "What kind of person would that make you? You'd be giving up the morals that make you a unique individual." I still have the thoughts, though.
I specifically have the thought of getting revenge by having the other partner be the OM's W <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> eventhough she and I could walk by each other on the street and we wouldn't recognize each other. She might be a complete dog but it helps anyway.Am I rambling now??
If I can make a suggestion....Since your S wants to work on the M. Strike while the iron is hot and go find a good MC or call the 800# on this site for the Harley's. Has he stated that he'll try MCing? Good luck and I'm always here to listen to some rambling!