Thank you for the advice, kind words, etc. It helps reading the things said and every one else's posts. I think I've just kind of gone numb for right now. I almost feel as though nothing matters anymore. I want to work things out, but I feel like a zombie. (The sad thing is I'm already on AD's so it should be helping right?)
He says that the affair has been over for 5 months, but they are still very good friends, and now he doesn't know if he wants to terminate the friendship. I can understand because they were good friends, but how am I to know if he's still with her? He says that he loves me, and wants to try to save our marriage, but he doesn't know if HE will be able to get over the A.
The feelings I have about getting even won't go away. I guess it's because it's still too new for me. I told him yesterday, that I may be able to forgive him, but that I reserve the right to have an A with 2 of his friends. (I don't really mean it-I just wanted to hurt him.) I know that it's wrong, but I feel so betrayed.
He is willing to go to a MC, and we've done some of those questionaires on the website. Our appt is tonight-I hope it goes ok. I don't really know what to expect about this MC thing. I've been to therapy before and I just felt stupid. Oh well... Thanks for listening. And cwmac-thanks. You seem to have the same sense of humor I do!

The Armchair Therapist says:

If your husband wants to save his marriage, the friendship with the other woman must end. Completely. Irrevocably. No Other Way.

As far as him getting over the affair, there is no doubt that losing an emotional bond, even one forged in a fog, is traumatic. If he is truly committed to your marraige, however, he will lose this bond and maintain no contact. This is only the starting place; a beginning. This is the kind of thing that is used to replace the old foundation of your relationship with a new one.

Honesty is at the heart of it all. If one person cannot or will not be honest, the relationship will never reach its potential.

And about the AD's; part of what they do IS make you feel somewhat zombie-ish. This is to level you out from extreme emotions and get you to a place where you can think and start to heal. They are NOT a long term solution...

Just my 1/50 of a buck...

Jake

Alora,

Friendship with all OWs are detrimental to the M. If he is bent on keeping the OW as a 'friend' then he is not helping you feel safe.

Try not to focus on who loves who here because right now he may not know the difference between friendship, A or M. Believe it or not.

I have heard the same sicko lines and they didn't sit well then nor now.

I now have the opportunity to remind my H of his hurtful words....U know he doesn't recall saying such things and even scoffs at me. Then he realizes I am NOT making it up and he is hurt. He knows now that those were hurtful words.

Maybe you can let him know that his friendship is hurtful to you and then leave him with those thoughts. Let him think about what you said....don't explain. Just go about and do something else. U need to give him time to let your words settle in his foggy brain.

Where are you on MC support, reading the concepts section or any of Dr Harley's books?

L.