My husband and I have been separated for 3 months now and he has just asked for a divorce. I think he has been having an Emotional Affair. I have checked our phone bills and found that he has been calling an old school friend of his atleast 5 times a day for the last 4 months. He says they are only friends! He has been secretive about calling her. He moved out about 3 months ago. I have seen that she calls him at all times of the day even at 1am in the morning! There has to be more to it than just being "friends"? He says he is no longer in love with me and has felt this way for the past year. What makes it difficult is that we have been each others best friends for the past 14 years and have very few arguments. I have supported him in every way. I am so confused and don't know where to go from here.

When he told me he wanted the divorce, I didn't argue or shout at him. I just said if you are no longer in love with me I can't make you stay.

I desperately want to know if he is getting more from his "friend" then he is telling me. It hurts even if he is only having an EA, as I always felt that we could talk about anything and everthing and we usually did. We never had any communication problems. Up until a year ago if things troubled us we would sit down and discuss it openly. We were very close and told each other everything, but he is now getting that and maybe more elsewhere.

Any advice? He refuses to see a marraige councellor.

I was having an emotional affair I had no idea. I didn't know what it was until all of a sudden it turned physical and I couldn't stop and we made love. I was the one who put the brakes on and made him get out of my life. I was addicted to him. If it truly is an affair feeling, she is saying things that make him feelso good like you did when you and your husband were dating. Feelings of anticipation, beautiful, smart, talented and interesting, funny. They have put their best foot forward getting to know eachother he doesn't truly know her she could be a total $^^%$# when under stress. When the opposite sex tells you nice things it carries more weight than when your same sex best friend tells you. Things got stale in my marriage and I am guessing it happened in yours too. I am not sure I am helping you but don't give in to this divorce crap and give it to God. Pray that God gives him a change of heart and bind his lust and come back to the woman who loves him and that is you. Keep praying I went to a pastors wife and believe me I am going to come out of this better than ever. Your sister in Christ.

Yes, he seems to think our marriage has gone stale. Do you think the possiblity is that they are having sex? We havent had sex in 6 months, he turned me down twice and obviously there has been no sex for the duration of the separation (3 months). I can only think that he is lying to me and that there is more to their relationship. You have to be in love with someone if you call them 5 times a day!!! I dont know what to think anymore, if he wants to go he must just go. I can't spend time and energy on someone who doesnt care for me or who doesnt want to be with me.

Excellent! Your response to him, i mean. That you can't force him to stay. And the not screaming at him? Wonderful too!

With that reaction, you are doing terrific if you want to recover your marriage. You don't need to make up for Love Busters, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts (go through this site thoroughly and read up on those things.)

It sounds as if your marriage was in Plan A all those years. Go to Plan A and Plan B on this site. In Plan B you will find Plan B letters. You are supposed to send him one of those, and then Go Dark.

Going Dark means, no contact of any kind with him. No answering email or cards or letters, screen your calls and don't answer if it is him calling. If he uses someone elses phone to reach you, once you recognize his voice, you tell him softly not to contact you for any reason unless he is ready to cut off all contact with the OW and work to restore the marriage.

Don't get hooked into a discussion. You can simply say "I love you and I'm hanging up now. Goodbye"

No sex for 6 months is a bad sign. Yes, he's probably getting that need met with the OW. The term "only" an EA is misleading. EA's are truly devastating, treacherous, hurtful and insidious. They rip your heart out.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. You will find help and good support here. Follow the guidelines and principles. And if with time you decide that your husband's betrayal has eroded your love, erased your trust, and you don't want your marriage any more, you are entitled to get on with your life. It will be his loss.

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Dear On The Way,

You are posting in the format of: I have been wronged by my spouse. If you post in the way of; What else could I have done? or if I get a reconciliation now, what changes can I make to best make it work? You will get substantially different responses. If your husband came to you, and said, "I want to try one more time to reconcile, before separating for a divorce," What would you say? what would you do differnetly?

Most all people replying to posts, will take you at your word. I personally try to read between the lines. You seem to be saying, "I have been doing a great job at Plan A, Isn't it time to dump hubby?" You are not asking, "How can I do better at Plan A?"

What were you thinking during your last two months together, when you had sex twice in two months? What do you know about the male sex drive? I have found very little graphic description of the male sex drive on this website. I tried to fill in some gaps for Sikorka, 29732 in Resolving Conflict, IS THERE A CHANCE, 8-26-27-03. Have you read Song of Songs or Song of Solomon in the Bible? What positions have you avoided? What are your blocks? Have you made any progress on reducing or eliminating your resistances to male satisfaction? What will you do better for the next Prince Charming?

You say that you discussed marital problems with your husband over the 17 years. What are all the items you can recall that were on his wish list? What additional items do you suspect were on his wish list that he did not disclose to you? Which items have been fulfilled 100%? Which items less than 75%? Which items less than 50%? Which itmes less than 25%? What items are you ready to discuss? Which items are non-negotiable? What items do you now see would be easy for you to do better?

One power point may be to say listen, there are no kids, divorce can be simple. However, I can decide to be difficult. What I want first, is a reconciliation for a month. I want you going through the motions with me, for a month. If not, you will have a hard way to go on the divorce.

Do you shut down converstions on some topics that your husband finds interesting? What is he talking about 5 times a day to OW? Football? Have you ever asked him about his work? Have you ever taken any listening skill courses?

You do not mention the MB QUESTIONAIRES or the 10 basic Emoitonal Needs. Which were you working on? Can you switch? If you can switch, which ones might be a better mix?

Have you read 180 Degree Divorce Busters, by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN under Negotiating? Which ones have you tried? Which new changes have you thought of? Which ones has WS noticed?

Have you ever heard of lying to avoid hurting the feelings of another? Have you ever heard of lying to avoid having to defend an action that is difficult to defend? Have you ever heard of someone lying to hide something that may never be found out about? I can't tell you your husband is lying, but it would be quite normal for many individuals to lie under the circumstances you describe. To better understand how people lie, and their various approaches to lying, and character in general, you might read SCIENCE OF SURVIVAL by L. Ron Hubbard, ($55.00)

I am trying to cut back on my posting, and I thought I could cut back by just reading over other people's posts. Your post kept coming up in my mind, while I should be sleeping. I guess I just have to stop reading the MB posts, so that I can better focus on improving my own marriage.

You sound like an intelligent person. You may be getting some bad advice. Have you gone to a marriage counselor yourself? Have you gone over your options with an attorney in your jurisdiction? Alienation of Affaction? Private Eyes? Have you yelled at your attorney or counselor for giving you bad advice? I think you should probably be pounding your fist on someone's desk or table, because it sounds like you did not get good advice on how to keep your marriage going. I would think that you should be raving mad at some of your firends.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

I am soooo tired of crying and feeling so hurt.
Thanks for all the good advice.

I approached him to talk about it and he said he is not going to stop his friendship with her. He said that I had already judge him and accused him of having an affair with her a couple of months ago so he decided to carry on as he had nothing to loose!! He said he is not interested in trying for a month as he is not in love with me. He wont see a marraige councellor.

I honestly can't trust him anymore as he had lied about his relationship with her, he said he had only called once in awhile and then I found out through the phone bills that it had been 5 times a day. I just want the hurting to stop, I am not going to force him to stay with me if he doesn't love me. Whats the point, I am just going to get hurt even more. There is no affection or anything from him whatso ever. It as if we never had 14yrs of love and friendship together.

I am not only loosing my husband, I am loosing my best friend!

PlanB is useless as he is not going to give up contact with her. I am just going to let him go and get on with my life.

It's been several days and you haven't answered Quipper's questions? Maybe it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and give us some info so we can offer some suggestions. The problem will not go away on it's own and your H is not the only one to blame.

Hey...are you still there?

Feelings of despair are normal. Are you feeling at all conflicted? If so, I can share some things that may make you feel better but I won't if you are giving up. That's your choice too.

What's up?

Dear On the Way,

Sorry for your hurt. There comes a time when you want to cut your losses. Even though you have no hope of Plan B working, of brining a teetering spouse back, another purpose of a Plan B letter is to clearly state that you are hurting, and that you are cutting off contract, not from a loss of love for H, but to stop the hurting.

You have stated that you just want to stop hurting. My advice of trying to get back together will risk more hurt. Some people have posted a draft of their plan B letter, and gotten lots of suggestions for wording improvements.

You have not mentioned any advice from a lawyer. Ordinarily a bar association will recommend three lawyers, and you can discuss your case for 20 minutes for $20.00. It would be best to understand your legal rights, before putting anything in writing. Law schools have good law libraries and some student practic clinics.

Sorry you lost your best friend. To stop hurting, one method is to work up some anger and antagonsim about the situation or the people involved.

Someone already suggested that sometimes you just need to stop trying, and let God figure it out. We all have humbling experiences in life, and It helps build character and humility and wisdom.

Who can you get mad at? Who can you blame? Who can you make jokes about?

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling