My ws has been having affairs since I was 8 months p.g. with my second son. He turns 3 in November. How many affairs? I don't know. I know there has been 2 in other states.. They are confirmed. My gut says at least one local.. And now I'm sure of one local. After several months of no signs of any affair, I find a stray number on his work cell. I call it. Woman answers.. I say -"you were on my caller id and I'm just trying to figure out who you are.. Can you tell me your name".. She hung up and hasn't answered her cell since.

My husband is defending the number informing me it's none of my f* business. Am I going to put a beeper on him for the rest of his life-- on and on. Obvious fog talk.. Obvious another woman...

Now what.. I'm dying inside. We don't fight, yell or scream.. I've been in plan A since I found out 1 year ago last month. The exact same time I found out about the A, I also lost my career job in one of the highest unemployment rates of the country. I can't see taking a low paying job, when I make more on unemployment. I would come out behind by the time I put my 2 boys in daycare with a low paying job. So- I am looking very hard for a job- came very close to a couple very good jobs, and I'm starting a volunteer training in 2 weeks which get my foot into the DA's office and into the Dept of Justice.. So I'm not just sitting around..

Now what. Do I kick him out? Proceed with divorce? But there's my two boys. Everytime I look at them I just fall apart. How do I say "I need to get out of this marriage because it's killing me slowly inside", when the boys absolutely love their dad and pull every ounce of stability out from under them, and every chance of having a stable, family to grow up in.. How do I say that my needs are more important then there's? My ws and I don't fight- argue- nothing in front of the kids. They love their dad. Same sex parent- always the most important.. They sit on the porch in the morning waving goodbye when he goes to work - little tears on their faces.. "I'm going to miss my daddy today.. I really love him".. They wait on the porch when he's coming home.. Or hear his car and run out to greet him. For all this crappy A stuff, we are an extremly tight family. Playing family games every night. Eating together everynight. How do I say my needs are more important then there's. I don't know what to do.
All of these put me over the kids.
1) kick my ws out of the house
2) tell my ws we need to put the house up for sale- he can stay in the house until it sales- then we'll file divorce.
3) file divorce, he can stay or leave, then sale the house through the divorce court proceedings..

To put my beautiful boys first.. Suck it up, get a job, and hope my ws pulls his head out of the sand..

I don't know.. How oh how can I put my boys through this pain....

Ana

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Anastasia^^ ]</small>

Have you read about Plan B? And are you ready to go there?

It's time you give Plan B a chance before you run straight to Plan D. (You owe it to the family, tothe kids, and especially to yourself). If Plan B doesn't work, then you gotten used to the idea and have begun a life on your own.

Your WS needs to see there is a price to pay for all the infidelity and lying, he doesn't get to enjoy his darling family and darling wife every night.

ana,

I need some more information. How long have you been married, ages, first marriage, ages of children? How did you meet?

You say you have been in Plan A for almost a year????? Yikes honey....who told you to do that? Did the Plan A END THAT affair? And this is a new one?

Hi Star... Nice to see a friendly face <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We've been married 13 years last weekend. Two children age 2 & 4. First marriage. Met at a bar. Married about 2 years after we met. I'm 37, he's 40.

Plan A for a year. I know.. Not good. I felt locked when I don't have a job and can't find a good job. He's supporting us(except for unemployment). And with two kids that young- daycare would run at least $800/mo and most jobs I find verly cover daycare- let alone living expenses.

And I saw an attorney.. My last job was excellent.(lost due to hostile takeover of my company) And I had it for 17 years. Therefore, I won't be entitiled to any alimony and we are equal on things like 401K etc.. So, all I will get is just some childsupport. Period. And yes- I went to an excellent attorney.

I never had real proof of a local affair. Just that horrible gut feeling. And what I thought was there seemed to of quit several months ago. And we were overall getting along very well. Hence- plan A for so long..

Then I find this phone number- and what a fool I am. Still no job, some great possibilities on the horizon, but nothing at this point.

Do I just give him a plan B letter and kick him out? I'm just so damn heartbroke over my children. Soccer game this morning-- I could hardly concentrate. My eyes just fill with tears as my 4 year old is going.. We are all riding together right! Yeah- dad going with us(Since I'm not working, and run most of the errands, the kids are use to just me in the car majority of time-- the boys do not remember me working at all).. I'm having a very very hard time with this.. Taking away these poor children's innocence. If we fought in front of them or created a horrible environment in front of them- that would be different. When we eat dinner together at the table, play candyland on the floor, and never raise voices.. This is going to devestate them....

Anyway- ask if you need more information.

Ana

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: Anastasia^^ ]</small>

Ana,

Why do I have the sinking feeling that your idea of Plan A is just being the nicest wife and best partner you can? There are many parts to Plan A. Tell me about exposure and confrontation? I'm hoping that was part of your plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL

Star*fish, I'm starting to love you dearly. (Oh dear. Don't tell Cerri or your H I said that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Anastasia, listen to Star*fish. She's good medicine. Talk to us about exposure and confrontation regarding the affair.

And oh, honey, "Nice" sucks. I was "nice" for 13 years, just like you. And all it got me was joint custody, no legal parental status, and a broken heart.

Confrontation.. Oh I have tried when I can.. He's to flipping good. Once I found out about the 2 affairs in other states, he stopped using our home computer, only used his work cell phone, stopped using our home phone, and erased all incoming and outgoing call list from his cell phone AND used a credit card to call out of his cell phone so me or his work couldn't trace where the number went!!! So- I did *69 continuously.. Boy does my phone bill prove that! I did catch a "number" now and then- but usually it wasn't a number- but a "blocked number". I did confront him. I confronted him on everything I could- the problem.. I never had a hell of alot! A super gut feeling.. Missing time here and there... Which I always asked him about. A bottle of mens cologne which I knew he didn't buy and I was very nicely saying "Who in the hell gave you that!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But- I could never get the real digs on him..

He covered his tracks amazingly well. The next step was to instal spyware on computer.. I was really fighting that as in my heart- I knew there was an affair- did I want to read it. And then- several month ago- he stopped using our computer at home all together.. Totally stopped.

I thought about calling his work and asking for his phone records. Well- he is supporting this family right now including the 2 boys. If he got fired for inappropriate use of phone- then what? We have no insurance- no nothing. So- admit- part of it was my selfish reasons. But I did confront him on every little speck of information I got. He was always walking on egg shells knowing I was watching every single move. He'd even come home from the gym.. See my back is wet- want to smell my sweat.. Would you like to call the gym and make sure I was there and who I was talking to.. He knew I was watching every little move-- but I could never figure out for sure who the ow was..

Now this last phone number.. He forgot to erase it our of "received calls" in the menu.. It was erased out of calls made... The only way I found it sneaking into his car at 3a.m. and looking at his work cell..

Now to catch you up tonight! I was signed on.. He was to be at the gym. His I.M. bounced on for 2 seconds. Hmmm- he must be at work.. The only place he has access to computer that I know of.. Well- I called him on the carpet. He was beyond angry. Screaming and cussing at me on the cell phone. It wasn't him-- I can call the gym- on and on and on... Someone got his password- etc..

Now to back up- When all of this went down 1 year ago- I was to get a job immediately so he could move out. Well- I just didn't knowing I was to flipping out to start a new job- and I was in my own fog from distraught. I needed time to get my thoughts clear.

Back to today, Well- after he cussed me out on the phone as we were meeting at a pizza place, we all got to the pizza place.. His pickup and my van. He is still going at me in the parking lot out of hearing from my kids. I lost it. Very calmly I said-- "you are to get an apt and get out of the house". He said "I'm not leaving you or the kids". I said " no problem, I can get an injunction- and we'll take care of it". I was very calm while he was absolutely freaking...

Well- this is the first time EVER he said he was planning on staying. Hmmmmm.. Then after pizza- he was driving his pickup to college f-ball game.. He calls me again on cell. He's apologizing.. saying he was wrong-- saying he promises he got rid of all of his secret email accounts. He doesn't want to lose us.. I know this is a red herring and WAY WAY WAY to early in the game.. but something is changing..

I'm not getting any hopes up.. Right now I'm still thinking- Plan B all the way. But since he's actually talking for the first time ever about us staying together.. What do I do...

I know I can't be demanding-- so how do I say- "You need to read - SAA and HN/HN... Then after you read those- and you understand the principles- then we can see if you are ready to truly work on rebuilding this marriage.
If you aren't willing to do these things, we need to separate.. I have to be able to protect myself... "

BTW- in my county.. My ws can see the kids every other weekend for a night stay, and every other Wed evening for 2 hours. Period. He is not entitled to any more then that. Only if I want to write up the divorce separately to give him more time do I have to.. otherwise - ball totally in my court. Whew....

THanks so much for replying.. I just really need someone to bounce all this stuff off.

Ana

Okay Ana,

Let's talk about confrontation, because like most folks, you are limiting it to a "confrontation" of the evidence you find. And really, that's only a small part of confrontation. It's about YOUR feelings! It's about making statements that let him know how these affairs make you feel.....so that he is confronted with YOUR pain. You don't LB!, but you make statements like this:

I feel humiliated and hurt everytime I realize you are talking to other women.

I feel disappointed when you lie to me about seeing other women.

etc.

You don't get sucked into Lbing or arguments, but it's important that he understands how the things he does make you feel....or how it puts your marriage at risk...or destroys your love for him.

This an essential part of Plan A.

The other part is exposure. Without knowing the names or the particulars of any of these affairs.....this is really hard. But...I do believe you can talk to his parents, and siblings about your suspicions and ask for their help. It wouldn't be the typical exposure but would help some.

The other thing....is that if you think he's panicking about you leaving perhaps now is the time to negotiate instead of moving to Plan B. Tell him that for you to consider staying in the marriage....he will have to show you that he can follow the guidelines set out by Dr. Harley....for Extraordinary Precautions for Avoiding Affairs: Honesty, Accountability of Time, Spend as much time as possible with you, and then follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage....Time, Honesty, Care and Protection.

If he'll commit to that....then get an appt with Cerri or the Harleys before moving to Plan B.

Plan B should be done with the help of a coach....not in the loose cannon fashion that you are attempting! LOL So slow down. Plan A is not Plan A without the other elements...and I think if he is showing interest or is afraid of losing you....maybe you can avoid Plan B (which is far riskier you know).

Good Luck....hope this helps.

You are right. I haven't been using enough of how I feel things- because whenever I do- he says "it's all about you- huh".. hard one. I have never seen him(or anyone else) become such a different - make no sense- going in circles- person.. I know it's the fog.. but what he says- it's so unreasonable- you can't even argue it- or discuss it.. It just doesn't make any sense.. He's just going in circles and circles.

anyway- I'm linking this loop to Cerri when I'm done typing. I already sent her an e-mail and will be calling her in person on Monday. But I really needed someone to talk to this weekend as I was really losing it. Sometime I feel so dang alone - which is amazing with two hyper boys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway- Tomorrow his parents will be here.. He is not close to his family at all. They are visitng from another state for just the afternoon or so. I'll talk to Cerri - and see how to lay out a plan to let him know the conditions for him to be able to stay-- how to say them respectfully without making demands.

Thank you STAR!!!!!!

Ana

Ana,

Tell me what's going on with you. How did the call with cerri go? Are you still feeling pretty lost chere?

Good morning Star. Thank you for asking how I'm doing..

Well- the in-laws were here this weekend- so not alot happened Sunday/Monday morning. Ws is being very respectful, and very nice.

I did call Cerri yesterday, and we've agreed with how defensive my ws is, that telling him in a letter best. When I start talking- he just throws up a wall, and doesn't listen to what I'm saying. So by letter- it seems to sink in and not get his feather so ruffled from the start. Basically the letter will be saying either get it together (counseling, coaching, etc...) or we need to separate. We can't stay in this state of mind. So I'm working on a letter to get to her. But she is gone today(meetings outside), but will be back tomorrow.

I am feeling much calmer. Way more at peace. I know the roller coaster could begin again at any moment. But I caught my breath for at least a second!

Thanks again for helping me through a hard weekend.

Ana

Ana,

That sounds like a good plan. I know for me, there have been several times where a letter was the right choice when I needed to work through serious issues. Many of us who tend to get trapped in emotional conversations that go bad can choose our words more carefully and make some strides when we can write and edit.

I know this was a bad weekend. If you ever feel really lost....you can always write starfish4729@hotmail.com and I'll do my best to shore you up until you can speak to cerri. As you know, most of us have suffered through the place you are now....and reached the other side. Stay strong. You aren't alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was pregnant both times my H had affairs so I do know personally what this feels like. He didn't handle motherhood well...and there may have been others. We have reached recovery, so this isn't as hopeless at it feels.

(((((((((((ana))))))))))))))))))