I suspect my wife may have had an affair aprox. 10 years ago. At the time I did confront her and she denied it and we moved on without ever discussing it again. I have resently thought about it more and I have the opportunity to possibly confirm it happened now through a friend.
I have read through the articles on the site but not come across anything specific to this issue so I am asking the board. I did read a lot about being completely open and honest with spouse in admitting your own affair but what about the other side of it?
If the spouse is not completely open do you advocate trying to find out?
I don't think there is anything going on anymore. It was years ago and we have since moved across state and there is nothing suspicious at all, but reading through this website got me curious so I thought I would ask.
I concider our marrriage to be good now and am not sure stiring up things so far in the past would be a good idea.

LIS,
if the source to which you are referring is absolutely relaible then i would go ahead and get the info.

in my opinion, knowing is always better then not knowing, besides, if she did stray, who can tell what effect keeping this secret for the past 10 years has had on her. maybe clearing the air is the single greatest gift that you could provide...especially if she's been the model W you say she has since that time.

just my take on it.
coach

LIS~
I think you should ask yourself WHY you are considering this. Do you want or need the details, in order to really move on? Are you dissatified in the marriage and looking for a reason to leave it? Simply because a couple never discusses something again, doesn't mean that there aren't residual affects that play out in the marriage.

My x was a serial cheater. He gave me a lot of half-truths and outright lies when I discovered the 1st affair. I never found peace within the marriage, as a result. By the time he had the last couple of affairs, I had already emotionally disconnected from him and the marriage because I knew I couldn't depend on him to be honest. There were affairs that I suspected but didn't even bother to ask about because I knew he wouldn't tell me the truth, anyway. I knew he was a liar and a cheat. What more proof did I really need?

But, LIS, if it had been one affair, NOT knowing (after 10 years) would have been "healthier" for me. I know that isn't the way many here view things and I accept that. I can only speak for me. I NEVER looked at him the same, after I found proof of the first affair. It just took me 13 years to physically leave the marriage. Confirming an affair after all this time seems, to me, like opening the wound all over again, and I have to ask, "to what end?" What will KNOWING change? Will it make your marriage better; stronger? Do you need to know, in order to open your heart fully to her? Do you need to know, so you can walk away, without guilt?

Only you can decide if it's worth opening Pandora's box after all these years. If this was a current situation, I would tell you that you need to know EVERYTHING in order to "rebuild." I'm just not so sure you need to know EVERYTHING all these years later.

-BTM

this is so strange...i had an A 10 years ago.my H suspected but never found out. that is until 10 years later. he moved out the same day, filed for D 2 months later. we have drove each other insane ever since.we can't completely leave each other alone.i think he thought if he divorced me it would just go away. but he still worries that i am dating now. all i want is him back and have told him that too many times to count. we also had a great M for the last few years and over night it was gone because i made a stupid mistake 10 years ago.
i can't say that i wish it had never came out because i carried a lot of guilt around for a long time. and if he had been willing to work on our M i believe we could have survived. just be really, really sure you can handle it before you find out.

i wish you all the luck in the world. i hope you can handle it better than my ex did.

I suspected my X of having affairs before and during our marriage and I was right, despite his claims that I was paranoid. He will only admit to one before our marriage (and one he confessed to at the start of all our trouble in the last few years). He knew at the time that if I found out I would not marry him, because my Dad had just come out of an affair which I viewed with extreme contempt.

I NEEDED to know, because there WAS evidence that is pretty hard to refute, and I felt now his recent infidelity was in the open, that I had to know for sure because I was sick of being taken for a fool, neurotic, etc etc. I held that stuff for years, never really getting over the suspicion of it all, and I am sure it coloured my nature towards him for the marriage.

And yet he let that happen. I did too, because I knew what he had done, I just chose to believe his lies. What I am angry about is that it affected the way I dealt with him for a long time, and our marriage never had a chance as a result.

If you need to know what happened in the past because of the same reasons I did, then go ahead, because it does make me feel better knowing I was not just imagining the whole thing, that I was NOT paranoid (as he liked to say) and that I now have some knowledge of the dynamics of our relationship and why things eventuated the way they did. But for me it was too late - he only admitted the infidelity I speak of after we were divorced. Maybe it won't be for you.

Love and light,

Jacky

Thank you everyone for your feedback and insights.
I have a lot to think about and am not taking any immediate steps to find out yet.
It sounds like every situation is unique and the surrounding circumstances and end results affect each person differently.
Sad*ex I do hope you may be able to salvage your relationship. If he is still worried that your "dateing" it sounds to me like you may have some hope of a reconciliation. I do wish you well, and hope that for you!
In my situation I am asking myself now why I want to know? and I don't think there is any good reason for me to know at this time.
I dont see any benifit coming from it and I don't want to end my marriage at all.
It has obviously bothered me over the years but at the same time I think discovery and another confrontation at this time would do even more harm than any residule problems I may personally have. As far as her own need to get it off her chest to open communication between us I think that if she did acctually have the affair and it is bothering her that much she may eventually tell me anyway. True, she may always hide and lie about it but as long as nothing is going on anymore I see no good coming from me confronting her.
As I said I really don't think that she ever continued in an affair after that and our marriage is good now, so I don't think I see any point in pursueing it.
Every one has been a great help though! I am new to the site and look forward to learning more and
getting to know everyone.
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LIS,

You know what I would recommend considering???

I would consider the following action.

First, make sure you have decided you want the marriage no matter what.

Second if that is true, then the ONE person you should be talking to is your W.

I could envision the conversation going something like:

LIS: "W I need to talk to you. As you know I suspected 10 years ago that you had an affair. It has always bothered me because while you have denied it certain things didn't add up. Recently, an opportunity for me to confirm your story has arisen. I have thought long and hard about using this opportunity to put my mind at rest.

I am talking to you now for several reasons. One, I have decided that no matter what I find out, I want our marriage to continue. You have been a good and loving W these 10 years and I have tried to be a good H to you. I do love you. I am mentioning this to you because I am sure I am going to be hurt if I find out you lied to me. And even now I would much rather hear bad news from you than someone else.

I would like your input on this matter, with respect to 10 years ago, and my still seeming to need closure on this issue. What do you think? Better yet, let's let this sit for a few days, and then discuss it. OK?"

W: "Why after all these years is this still bothering you? Don't you trust me? I am insulted that you would think I would lie to you."

LIS: "It isn't after all of these years. For 10 years this thing has been eating at me. I am hoping with all I have that you are right and I am being a foolish man, but I would really like to put this to rest and get it behind me no matter what. I want to know if I am really crazy or I was correct. Let's talk about this tomorrow night."

My point here is that if it is still bothering you after 10 years, your suspicions must have been pretty strong. If she has been a good and loving W all of this time, you need to acknowledge this to her AND to yourself. People do make mistakes and often if given a chance they learn from them and don't repeat them. You may have one of the more affair proofed marriages around.

My inclination is to find out, but first talk with W so that she knows what you are about to do. And more importantly that you still want the marriage.

That is my $0.02. I hope it helps.

God Bless,

JL