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Joined: Jan 2002
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I was reading on the EN thread about POJA.
One of the things that I read that bothered me a bit was the "spending time together" issue. At least 15 hours a week and if you marriage is in trouble 20 to 30.
Is that undivided attention hours or just being together, like vegging in front of the tv?
If it is undivided attention, we're in serious trouble..we're lucky if we get 5-8 hours a week.
H works like 12 to 14 hours a day...he's bone tired when he comes home..works 6 days a week. The only day we have off is church on Sunday, morning and night. Does that count? We are basically together all day Sunday...from about 8:30a until about 10pm..with the exception of a nap and lunch with inlaws.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Can that time include others??
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Margue,
Cerri won't be here until tomorrow....but I can answer this question with complete assurity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (One of the few *giggle*...mainly because it's on the site)
Straight from the horses mouth:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The solution to your problem is to schedule time each week where you can give each other your undivided attention. And then schedule everything else in your lives around it. Think of your time together as earning each of you $1000 an hour. It's time you could not afford to miss, and you would see to it that you would earn every penny. As it turns out, your time together is worth more than that, a lot more. It will buy you something that $1000 an hour could never buy you, your love for each other.
How much time? I suggest that you schedule 15 hours each week of undivided attention. At this moment, that may seem to be an overwhelming and impossible goal to achieve. But if it is, then meeting each other's emotional needs will also be overwhelming and impossible. That's about how much time it takes to meet the needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship, four of your most important needs. You met some of those when you dated and you fell in love with each other as a result. If your lifestyle prevents you from doing it now, your love for each other will eventually disappear, because you will not be able to meet each other's needs.
Two hours a day will just about do it. Or you can plan to be alone together one hour a day and make up the difference on the weekend. Assuming you have about 110 hours a week of productive time, it represents less than 15% of your total time to be spent doing what is most important in your life -- meeting each other's needs. It's about the time you would spend at a part-time job.
The time you plan to be together should not include children, relatives or friends. It should be just the two of you, so that you can give each other your undivided attention. And the purpose of your time together should be to meet each other's most important emotional needs, such as affection,sexual fulfillment, conversation, and recreational companionship.
If you have not been spending much time together lately, your first dates will seem awkward, and you will come face to face with incompatibility that is creeping into your marriage. But as you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement in deciding what you do when you are together, the awkwardness will fade, and you will find it to be the most rewarding part of your week, just as it was when you were dating each other.
You will also find yourselves coming up with excuses as to why you must miss a date. The reason is that you are not used to being together on schedule, and it will take a while to adjust to the idea that your dates are set in cement. Your courtship would not have lasted long if one of you stood up the other due to more pressing responsibilities. The same is true for marriage. If one of you tries to break a date, the other will feel neglected, and rightfully so.
Another suggestion is to schedule time when you are both full of energy. Don't give each other your left-overs. I usually recommend that time after 11:00 pm doesn't count, even if it turns out to be the most romantic experience of your day. That's because, on average, we're not worth much after 11:00 pm.
From my perspective as a marriage counselor, the time you spend alone with each other are the most valuable moments of your week. It's the time when you are depositing the most love units, maintaining your love for each other, and ensuring the success of your marriage. To neglect scheduling that time may prove to be one of the biggest mistakes of your lives.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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Joined: Mar 2001
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That pretty much says it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Fifteen hours a week. Giving each other your undivided attention, and meeting the needs of Conv, Aff, SF and RC.
Vegging in front of the tv does not count. A play or a movie might depending on how connected you feel during that time.... and if you talk about it before and after. I would say to begin with err on the side of attention... go out to coffee or dinner, take a walk, play a game that requires interaction and not too much game thought....
Conversation is the pathway to meeting every other need.... if you cannot talk with focus and connection then probably another activity would be better.
C
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Joined: Jan 2002
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Then we seriously are going to have a problem...
Sunday church from 10 to 12 then lunch w/youngest son and in laws. Nap afterwards, church at 6 to 8, eat at home with kids, bed.
Monday he leaves for work at 8am usually, and if not he sleeps until his brother calls. He's gone until 8pm or later. Comes home after shower and dinner, it's about 1/2 hour until bed time.
Tuesday same as above
Wednesday comes home in just enough time to run out the door for church at 7:30, comes home eats and goes to sleep.
Thursday is really the only day we MIGHT get to spend an 1 1/2 alone if he gets home early enough.
Friday same as Thursday.
Saturday even busier for him. Usually they get home at around 9 or 10.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> awful isn't it??
We do have SF 2 or 3 times a week usually that take about any where from 1/2 hour to 5 min <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> depending on if its at nite or in the morning.
We try to talk together at night before we go to sleep for about 15 min.
so let's add it up:
undivided attention you say... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
3 hours a week having dinner alone 1 1/2 hours talking before bed 3 hours of SF per week (and that's a high est.)
That's 7 1/2 hours at the most...and I do not possible see how I/we could get more...
We talk on the phone off and on all day, but his brother is there in the truck with him...it's ok most of the time but it gets aggravating when he keeps talking to him and me at the same time.
We really need some suggestions on this?? Any ideas???
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