I just found out that my husband slept with a woman he works with. For months I suspected that he had but he denied it and then said that they did kiss but that was it. He talked to her constantly on the phone and when I told him to end it he agreed. I found out through his phone bill that he was still talking to her. I told him once again to end it. He did again and this time she called me and told me that they had been sleeping together since last year. When I asked him about it he denied it. When I got them both on the phone he admitted that he slept w/ her only once. She also told me that he has slept w/ many other women at work and most recently at a party he was at he slept w/ someone else. She told me about girls he slept w/ years ago (I had suspected but didn't know). He admitted to the ones from years ago but claims she is the only person and only once in the past several years. (We have been married 3 years but together for 10 years w/ a nine year old daughter.)
I have no idea what the truth is. She has been off work for mental leave since the first time, three months ago he tried to leave her, and could be unstable enough to make up things to cause further damage to our marriage but with all the lies that he has told how can I believe him?
He is in counseling (only 2 times so far) and says that he feel like a completely different person after he leaves and for the first time thinks that we can really make it. He says he will not drink again (alcoholic) and that it will never happen again. (Famous last words)

First off, welcome, SFW. And I’m so sorry you’re here.

It’s very hard to know what to believe in your situation. You know you can’t trust your H, but you can’t trust OW either. Does you know any of your husband’s co-workers’ wives? Now that you know, if you ask them they might be willing to tell you what they know or have heard.

Do go get a full run of tests for sexually transmitted diseases. Some have no symptoms for years.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Has your husband? And what is he in counseling for? Is he willing to practice radical honesty with you and make his life an open book to you? No more office parties without you. No more free time without you. No cell phone, etc.

My father is a chronic womanizer. From what I hear, he pretty much did it all. He was a sex addict on top of being a sociopath. He was extremely effective in covering his behavior. In fact, my mother really was the last to know. And when it all started coming out in the counseling, she was in shock.

Later, neighbors told her about the party Dad had while my mother was taking us to look at colleges. Others later told her about the women he brought to the boat.

Once people know you know, they’ll come out of the woodwork with stories if there are any.

In the mean time, read up, and take good care of yourself. Build up your support network. Remember his infidelity is not your secret. You may share it with others. In fact, getting it into the light is essential.

greeengables,
if i could only jump in here for a moment,, i don't want to steal anyones thread,, can you describe a definition, or profile of an womanizer please. I have been accused of being one, and I'm really quite not sure what a womanizer really does, or does not do.!? I know i have never cheated!!! I have never been physicaly abusive in any way,,,

Thanks

Stephan,
Good point. MY definition of a womanizer is a man who seduces women with whom he only plans on having a fling with. Womanizers prey on naïve and unsuspecting women usually, and after the novelty wears off, leave.
Philanderer seems to have a slightly better connotation. There doesn’t seem to be the aspect of preying on the innocent. But these people have a new woman every month.

In general, I reserve terms like these for people who are compulsive about sex and having new sexual partners. I think it is very hard for these people to change. I also don’t think that Dr. Harley’s approach to infidelity works with them because they aren’t addicted to one person, but to the experience, the chase, the thrill, the novelty.

Sometimes, people use the word “womanizer” in a more benign way. They could just mean you are charming and have that way some men do of making every woman in the room feel special. Often these wonderful men have women around them thinking, “If I weren’t the type of woman I am, I might…”

Personally, I tried to have a least one of these men at any party I gave.

Maybe on a new thread we could discuss who calls you a womanizer and why.

SFW, where are you? How are you? I'm worried.

By the Way, I'm no way saying that a woman who had to take mental health leave is to be automatically believed.

greengables, thank you for your reply. I have not read Surviving. I have been reading Divorce Remedy and it has been helpful. I have a couple other books at home to read next. I will check out Surviving though, thanks for the tip.

I am planning on a trip the to the OB/GYN soon and have asked him to do the same.

He is in counseling and on prescriptions for Panic Attacks but he is also dealing w/ his drinking problem, depression and us.

I have been considering getting a private investigator but I am not wealthy and don't know if I want to go that far. OW told me that when he said he was away w/ friends on a fishing trip that he was really w/ her. He never actually went on that fishing trip but he did go to the place she mentioned for training w/ coworkers. He has since gotten a promotion at work that would not have happened w/out the training. But I still am unsure and figure if I find out at least that he is telling me the truth about that then I can start leaning towards his side of the story a little more.

I am also starting to worry that I am being to calm and understanding. I started going out w/ him when my 1st M ended because I no longer cared about my H. He was a womanizer. I am hurting but I am also feeling -OK We'll work this out -Whatever.

He keeps asking me if I love him and I am having trouble w/ that one too. I honestly don't know and am not sure how to figure it out.
He called me today to tell me that she called him and left a message but that he did not and will not call back. He SEEMS to be trying to be honest and I don't want to throw away a chance at making it work just when it seems like our M could be better than it ever has been. (It was never very good)

Sorry to ramble, I appreciate your "listening".

SFW,

You are doing great! Withholding judgement until more evidence comes in! So many of us do the opposite. We rush to believe the worst or to ignore what's going on under our eyes.

Calm is not necessarily bad. Especially if your husband only have that short time with the woman and she's making it all up.

Unfortunately, people do get desparate and make up horrible lies.

Keep us uupdated.