My H is having EA with married, separated woman. It's been a week since he told me. He's not willing to give up the OW. He feels that he has to take this risk otherwise he will not be happy. He told me that she's meeting his emotional and recreational needs. We have been married for 12yrs & have 2 kids.

I've asked him for a chance to work things out. He said he will give it some more thought. He says he hasn't been in contact with OW. He wants to move out so he can decide what to do. I think he's already made up his mind to go. I think he's just trying to figure out how to do so peacefully for the kids' sake. Should I give him time and let him go? Or, should I leave with the kids? I am thinking that this might jolt him out of his fog?

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: AIO_09 ]</small>

You can't force him from leaving but what you can do is to IMMEDIATELY stop ALL love busters for they are toxic to any relationship and counterproductive to the point of pushing the WS(wayward spouse) further into the arms of the OP(other person). Here's the list of love busters and what they mean:

1.Angry Outbursts - Who wants to live with a time bomb?

2.Selfish Demands - Who wants to live with a dictator?

3.Disrespectful Judgements - Who wants to live with a critic?

4.Dishonesty - Who wants to live with a liar?

5.Independent Behavior - Who wants to live with a selfish jerk?

6.Annoying Habits - Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

Read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters', as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'.

You are not alone, we are here to help you with support but please do find professional counseling because we are not professionals, just people that have gone through what you are going right now and we can only offer you our personal insights.

Keep us posted.

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Torn Asunder provides a 90-day experiment when one spouse does not want to work on the relationship. See if he will try that with you.

Surviving An Affair talks about exposing the A to the light. I would absolutely shed some light on it. You have to choose how you are going to confront her (leave the kids out of it). Be careful and do the best you can to take care of you!

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: onlyUcan ]</small>

Thank you for your advice. I will look into the books. I start individual counciling next week.

I've not LB'd since I found out. I've been going by the book. Keeping the homefires burning and taking care of my kids. Patiently waiting for him to decide what to do.

Yesterday, he had a change of heart. Called me to tell me that he was sorry for all the hurt he caused. Said he was going to tie up some loose ends and come home. I was happy. Waited up with baited breath for his return. He didn't come home until early morning. Crashed into bed and did not say a word. So, all day today, I don't know where things stand. Don't know if the loose ends got tied up or just got unraveled all over again.

I hate this roller coaster that I am on. Hope one day, despair the next. I am not sure how much longer I can keep at this pace. A part of me just wants it to be over with, that all this pain is not worth it. The other part, wants to hang on to all hope, do anything and everything possible to make things work. Why? For the sake of my children.

If he decides to stay, I don't think things between us will ever be the same again. There will always be a doubt in my mind. I'll always wonder if he's still thinking of her, wishing that he could be with her instead of me.

I hang on and hope for the best, for my children's sake. I know I will not be the same.

Thanks for the support and the opportunity to vent.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am new to this site and I am very puzzeled if I should let me husband go.I love him deeply and I don't believe in divorce.Over a year ago my h had an affair with someone at work.He left me for 3 months and has been back for 6 months.I fear he will do it again b/c he is still friends with the ow.At the time he left I just found out I was pregnant,found out my mom had cancer and it was X-mas.The time I needed him the most he left and now I find it really hard to trust him.He says he wants our marriage to work.We went to counselling when he lived with the ow and now have stopped.I can forgive him and even in time forget but not if he chooses to live in the affair.I am lost on what to do.Is it the best thing to let him go?So I know what you are going through...

It's been almost a month now since DDay. I am still not sure where things stand. My H says that he's had no contact with OW since 10/2. That she's looking for another job and moving away. However, phone bill shows he made contact w/ OW on 10/7 (That's as far as the phone bill goes. So, he could still be in contact w/ OW.)

Last Thursday, I asked him if there was any chance of reconcilliation. I told him that I don't want him to stay if it's just for the sake of the kids. Am I wrong?

I asked him what the attraction is to the OW. He says he can relate to her both emotionally and spiritually. They have so much in common. He feels that she is his soul mate.

He told me that throughout our entire marriage, he has never loved me. He cares deeply, but has never loved. He didn't know what love is until now. He says that he's felt very detached all his life. The only people he's attached to are the kids and the OW.

Knowing this...I am not sure if I should hang around much longer. He says he wants to work on geting our family back together again. But he's not ready to work on us. Is this a start? Or should I just say forget it? If he hasn't been able to become attached to me and love me in the 19 years we've know each other, how can that ever change?

I am not sure I can continue knowing that he's never loved me in all these years...I am really struggling with what to do. This last blow really hurt. I guess the question now is not: "Should I let him go" but more like "Should I go?" Don't I deserve love and happiness in my life?

Help! I am so confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi AIO,

There aren't any easy answers.

Perhaps your H means what he says and she really is his soulmate. Or perhaps he'll live with her or continue the relationship in some way and he'll discover that this was just a fantasy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me that throughout our entire marriage, he has never loved me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H said similar things during the A but then I found out he loved me all through that time. He said those things from a chaotic state (the fog) and now says simply: "I don't know why I said _______". He says this about many things he said during the A.

My blithering point is: the only thing you can decide is how YOU feel. You mention you don't want your H to stay for the kids' sake but also state that that is your reasoning for staying with him? How do you really feel about splitting up?

The rollercoaster is darn tough to ride, especially as you didn't even realize you were in the amusement park. But you may find the alternative worse so take your time figuring out what to do.

You might want to read more on the concept of "deserving" love though before you give up on your M. I found it enlightening...at the very least, it is worth working through mistakes made in this relationship so they won't haunt you in the future.

Hang in there...I know how much you are hurting. It will get better though. That much I've learned...painfully! Awed

AIO and sweetmaire- Time for Plan A. Read up on it and stick to it til you can't do it anymore. Don't take personally anything they say. It's all babbling. Soulmate Shmolmate, they all say the same things. On this site we need an index of commonly used phrases - soulmate, I love you, but am not in love with you, I need some space, etc.Hang in there and keep posting. You will get support and not have to go through this alone.

I guess it's just my wounded heart speaking when I say I should go... I am struggling to understand what's real and what's fog.

I really want to stay and try to work things out because I think we had a good M. It's just difficult to be patient. I keep on wanting to push things along faster so that I can get off this roller coaster. I don't think I will be OK until I know which way we are going. Either way, I just need to know so that I can move on to the next step. I hate being in this limbo state.

How do I feel about things? I am willing to stay and make things work if that's what he wants. But, I need to know that he's over the OW and committed to making our relationship work. Am I too demanding? Is this unrealistic?

Last night, I attempted to talk with him again. Trying to get a gauge for where things stand w/ the OW. Maybe I am hopeful, but it seems like he's coming out of his fog. According to him, it's been 3 weeks since he last saw her and 2 since they last talked. He says things are a little different. So I am hoping that he's slowly getting over her.

Should I talk to him about plan A? Am I in plan A and not know it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Plan A is not something you discuss. Plan A is something you do, unilaterally. There are a couple of good links in my signature line page about Plan A.