How do I separate my husbands affairs from his computer. He hosts a chat room for "music"but he's already had one full blown affair with one of the people he met in this chat room. He flew out of state to meet her 6 months into the affair which I didn't know anything about until one day he told me, then two weeks later he's on a plane.
He's on his computer all day (he's unemployed)until he comes to bed.He has alot of "friends" in this chat room that are regulars and he shares alot with them but none of them know that he's married. I'm not jealous of his friendships but I am concerned that he could start another relationship with someone else again, if he hasn't already.I can't tell how he's chatting with most of the time.I don't understand why he's doing this.He's so disconnected from me now and I don't know what to do to reconnect.I've tried talking to him about it and he's pretty much told me he's not going to stop chatting with people.Our marriage is pretty rocky as it is after a domestic abuse situation a year ago and a 3 month separation he hasn't been the same.During our separation he had 3 affairs and continued one for about 6 months even after we were back together or I thought we were bach together. I gave him time,I didn't know how involved he was with this other person until 1 month after we (me and our 3 children)moved back home.So eventually it ended.There was alot of cruelty on his part in the mean time towards me but I stood my ground with our home and didn't leave. Well like I said it hasn't been the same.He goes in waves,he can take me or leave me, he said that to me once.I've been a good wife, friend, lover and I don't understand why he's doing this to us.He's become very protective of his computer, he doesn't let the kids use it at all anymore.Can someone help me.How do I separate him from something or the people he's chatting with???. My children and I have been back home now for a year and an half and it's like he doesn't want us there.That's a horrible feeling.He doesn't do anything in the house except chat,sleep, eat what I cook when I get home from work,nap during the day sometimes.What can I do to salvage what little husband I have,if at all.I truely love him but I don't feel he loves me anymore,I feel like I'm just a conveinience right now.I would appriciate some advice please

Dear Mand,

If he isn't pulling his weight for the family, then why is he allowed the privilege of being with the family? Sounds like he is a cakeman and expects you and the family to 'enable his lifestyle'. If he isn't have an EA or PA, he is still being highly disrespectful to you and the children.

Most who are having an internet R are posessive of their 'puters. My Ws broke his when I would not let him leave the house with it. His anger shattered his lapto and pieces of it went flying into every room of our home and he was standing by the front door. Talk about angry. He still can't believe he did that but I have an eye witness. Our 5 year old saw the whole thing. Pieces of the computer went right by his head. H is ashamed of what he did but it did happen.

You can rely that story to you H and let him know that during those time, my H was NOT in his right mind. Very distant, very angry, very very out of character and very much into the A. In fact he started acting like the OW even in his speech.

So ask your H, his change in conduct is it a reflection of his association? Is this healthy for the family to have to live with?

Then ask yourself, can you live without him? No use you move out..... he needs to go be with those who like this angry, selfish man.

JMHO,
L.

(((MAND))) - big hug!

This is a huge burden for you to bear and it is very emotional. This isn't about you "allowing" him to have friends. He has clearly shown you that he is not mature enough to have friendships online without turning it into something that it shouldn't be.

You can install spy software to see what he is doing, but I think you know.

Addictions are VERY HARD to deal with. It is difficult to Plan A an addict. Read as much as you can here. There are some good threads on addiction in Recovery.

Good luck and God Bless!

After you and your H got back together, what steps did you take as a part of the recovery to ensure the safety of your marriage?