I have been looking for a way to resolve my issues, but it would appear that i'm too much of a coward to truly confront them. Here is my story. I know it will make some mad, others hate me and still leave others shaking their heads and askin Y.

I am a 36 yr old woman, married for nearly 15 yrs to my highschool sweetheart. We met our sophmore year in high school and have been together since. We have 2 children together (boys 10 and 15). We went through the typical early marriage obstacles that most married couples go through.. mostly about money and sex. I hated sex early on and he loved it. When I was younger I seriously thought sex was just a waste of time, if it weren't done for the purpose of procreating. I never got any enjoyment or satisfaction out of it.

After the birth of my second son, i fell into a deep depression, gaining over 80 lbs.... my top weight reached 230lbs (i'm 5'4) so you can imagine my self-esteem was in the toilet. During this time, i especially NEVER wanted to have sex and it caused many many arguements and sleepless nights in my home. He was very irate and not afraid to voice his disappointment in my obvious lack of pride in my appearance. At one point, he resorted to name calling and ended up calling me a fat b*tch. He knows that that is the one word that i despise of the most, and to hear a man call a woman that name has always drove me insane. So it was a double slap to me when he used it on me. During that period, he also resorted to physically choking me to the point of lifting me off the floor and leaving my neck sore for days.

At one point, when my weight had gotten to the heaviest it had ever been, I realized that I needed to do something about it....and even though I had tried every diet known to man... i decided to try and loose it on my own with sheer will power. I told no one that I was doing this and succeeded in loosing 90lbs. I went from weighing 230lbs to 145lbs in about 9 months. Once the weight was off, you can say i developed a new attitude to go with my new body. I had never before gained the attention of so many men in my life and I was loving it.

Things at home was constantly getting worse. In the place of my loosing weight, he starting gaining it. I also discovered the internet and chatrooms. I became addicted to the rush that I got from giving a description of myself and the positive responses that I got from different people. Although in the beginning, I swore I would never meet anyone from a chat room in person... that soon changed. The first person that I met from the computer was a man that I had been chatting with for over a yr who lived on the west coast.. (i'm on the east coast). I had the opportunity to travel to the west coast for my job (which i do alot--travel) and we carefully planned our first meeting. The meeting went off without a hitch and we found ourself confessing our undying love to each other. If that were the only man I was chatting to and confessing to loving at that time, that would have been bad enough. Unfortunately, there were more.

The relationship that I had with the man I met on the west coast ended after about a yr of courting each other b/c his girlfriend moved in with him and the two of them were having a baby. He wanted to give his relationship with her a chance. I was going to miss him, but didn't mind b/c i had enough backup to sustain my need for attention. There were other meetings (I won't say exactly how many, b/c I don't think that matters) what matters is the fact that this has gone on for over 5 yrs. I had been able to hide my addiction and secret relationships from my husband and family for a very long time.

Time went by, and my relationship with my husband started to get worse and worse. He, obviously, started knowing a change in me. He worked night shift from 11p-7a, so I had the whole night to chat and talk on the phone. Which I did, frequently. I was purchasging pre-paid phone calls almost on a daily basis and for some stupid reason, i never threw them out once they were used up... I neatly placed them in one of my drawers. Well, one day...he was putting some cloths up and went to put some in my draw (to this day, I believe he was snooping..but thats besides the point). He found the calling cards, counted them and added the total $$$ up. There was way over $150 in calling cards. Of course, he wanted to know why i had so many and I told him that when i called our long distance relatives... i usally did it with a calling card. That satisfied him for a little while.

There is more about him snooping and finding different pieces of obvious evidence, that he for some reason believes what it is i tell him. If the shoe were on the other foot... i know I wouldn't believe him with the stories that I give.

Recently, my husband switched shifts and so now he is home during the nights and it has put a huge dent in my chatting and online time. We are having serious problems in our relationship and I have asked him for a seperation. I know my husband loves me, he tells me and shows me everyday. He says he is physically attracted to me now more than ever (I still maintain my weightloss) and i workout 4-5 days a week).

The other problem is, that I am not physically attracted to him at all. At first, I thought i didn't like sex, because i didn't get any satisfaction out of it. But when i was with my lover, I loved sex more than anything else... i couldn't think of anything better to do. My husband has gained a considerable amount of weight and he physically very un appealing to me.

I am seriously considering leaving my husband.. and I don't want to leave him for another man. But I am still with my lover (my very first lover that I met on the west coast over 5 yrs ago). He doesn't live close, but I still manage to see him every few weeks.

I want to tell him about the affair, but i know he would be hurt. He has actually mentioned not wanting to live if i left him.

I know I need to end the affair, but I really love this guy. I'm confused and want to learn to live right..but don't know where to begin!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I know I need to end the affair, but I really love this guy. I'm confused and want to learn to live right..but don't know where to begin!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FG while your feelings of being in love with your OM(other man) are real, they are nonetheless made possible because you have not live a real life with him. A great part or reason why you enjoy sex with your OM or lover, is because there isn't the emotional baggage (and damage) that you have with your H of 15 years. But remember that this OM is already having a relationship with another woman and has a child by her, so that doesn't speak well as to his character as a man. The OM is actually an escape from the harsh realities of your marriage, but just like drugs or alcohol it will lead you, your children and your H only to heartbreak and despair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I want to tell him about the affair, but i know he would be hurt. He has actually mentioned not wanting to live if i left him."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What people say they will do is very different from what they actually will do. You would be surprised to know how many people say one thing and do another. The same case is probably true with regards to your H. But he does deserve to know the truth so that he can make an informed decision to either fight to save the marriage or leave it and file for divorce. One thing is for sure, nothing will change until you reveal the truth about your affair.

The OM is no longer with his daughters mother. I know that for sure.

Why is the OM not with daughter's mother - is he married to someone else?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cajeanie:
<strong>Why is the OM not with daughter's mother - is he married to someone else?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes... he is with me

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>

FG,
Probably don't have many words of encouragement, but you fit the description of my WH and the OW that he made a game of for 5 years.

This is a really sad life to live. I wish you luck in getting your life together, but it will not be done under the influence of infidelity.

I think you are insane for taking advantage of yourself and your H. I started reading your post and realized that you sounded just like I did the first time my H and I posted on this site. I never went as far as having and A but I was having an EA.
If you ever need to talk to some one who feels you email me @ Stephenier76@hotmail
I think that you should break off the A and tell your H the truth. Tell your H you want him to start working out with you. If you can get him to except your mistakes then you're in good shape.
Break off the A before telling your H. If your H wants to be with you reguardless then you will be making it worse for everyone if you keep the A going. Toomuchcoffeeman is right. The A is only good cause it's easy. Add in all the CRAP and you have your own marriage.
You don't just fall in love with someone and fall right out again. It isn't that easy. You just lose sight of what love is.
Maybe you should spend a few months alone to reflect on your inner needs.
Luck and Luv,
Steph

FeelinGuilty,
I was in your shoes not 2 years ago. I had an EA and know the feelings you are encountering. My Wife and I are doing great in our recovery and in what we like to think is a great marriage once again.

Now lets start with your chat room addiction (if you know it or not that’s exactly what it is). You talked about how your marriage is getting worse now that your H is home during your peak online time. Well why do you think that is? I am going to take a guess that maybe you’re mad because he is preventing you from getting your Internet fix. Take a close look at yourself and see if that’s really what’s going on.

As far as his weight goes. Maybe he is going through depression? Do you remember what it was like when you were overweight? With your marriage in shambles what makes you think he will lose the weight for you? The only person he will lose the weight for is himself. Get your marriage in line and I bet the weight will come off. As far as you being un-attracted to him do you honestly believe it’s not because of other reasons, ones deeper then just your lack of physical attraction to him? Once again take a look at yourself. Stop looking for reasons to condemn your H and justify your A.

Sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to love your H. That’s a sigh to me that you do love him and just want more from your marriage. There is nothing wrong with that! But you need to go to him and tell him and not find comfort in others. It’s a hard thing to do (I know it was for me) but the payoff is worth every tear. You are in the wrong now and it’s time to make things right.

You say you really love this guy? I doubt you are in any shape to love anyone right now? He brings you feelings of comfort and happiness. Well so does crack when an addict is feeding their addiction. I know it sounds harsh and it is but once again take a look at your life and how you are living it.

Please don’t think I am trying to be mean to you. I want you to have what my wife and I have now. You can heal your M but it’s not easy. If you like you can leave me your email here and I will be very happy to help you in any way I can. I would have me wife CC’ed and she could offer to help when asked. Think about how good your Life/Marriage with your H could be if you and he put the same effort into it as you are your affair now???

FG

You might be surprised to realize that your husband does indeed love you but somehow you two drifted apart.

By telling him he will of course get angry, depressed and express alot of pain and resentment.

But he will also have to take a long hard look at his marriage something I suspect he hadn't done in a long while.

It may prove to be a wake up call....or it may end in divorce but you owe him the chance to try and save the marriage because its his marriage too.

Ummmm...am I the only one that is concerned that her H was "choking" her so much her neck was sore? I don't think this makes the marriage "typical" in any sense. And I don't care whether or not bad weight or attitude ("fat b*tch") was involved.

FeelinGuilty: Have you seen a counsellor yet? If not, please do ASAP. You obviously have a number of serious issues to explore.

I agree with the previous poster about the choking. Nothing justifies an affair. However, abuse cannot be tolerated.

By the way, although it sounds like you think you are enjoying your sexual exploits, I think you are just being used.

Thanks everyone for not beating me up too badly. I am definitely having a guilty conscience right now and I am ready to deal with the consequences of my actions.

LoveHerMadly, I would like to leave my email, but not in the open forum. I would love to hear how you started repairing your relationship with your wife and how did she react once she found out about your EA.

As far as the chatroom scene goes, I haven't been in an actual chatroom in over 2 yrs... But I do realize I have an unhealthy addiction to the internet itself.

Thanks again for all the feedback... I have read them all and I receive them with an open mind.

FG--
I can't believe how much of what you said resonated with me. I also lost a lot of weight, and still have more to go... I'm 36, with two kids. I love my husband and don't know WHY I am continuing to "play with fire"...

My counselor says that since I never really had ANY good relationships with men, I am finding ways to get what I wasn't able to get when I was fat. It seems ironic to me that I finally found a man who didn't care about my weight, then I lose the weight and can't explore or experiment with men... Thus the "lure" of the emotional affair.

My husband caught me once. He was able to get my password and he read all my e-mails and instant messages over a two day period when I was deeply entrenched in an EA. He was devastated, and I know that he doesn't fully trust me (nor should he, I guess). I ended the two relationships I was having on line, (never met either one of them) and I was able to avoid the "chat compulsion" for about two months. Little by little, I've slid back into it... I have met one man in person and kissed him on two separate occasions....

And just like you said, I don't really care very much about this OM... the whole process was more about seeing if I could get him to want me... I saw it as a challenge. But I still chat with him on a daily basis...we are more like friends than people involved in a relationship... I had decided that the whole kissing thing was something I had gotten out of my system... but I can't say that I'd turn him down if he wanted to meet again... And I don't understand that about myself...I hate myself for it and yet continue... If my husband found out about it, I think I would feel worse about hurting him than I'd feel if he left me. I was a single mom until the age of 33, and I have no "need" for someone to stay with me. That aloofness and detachment within me also worries me... Why don't I care enough to do the right thing?

I would like to say that my situation with this other man has NOTHING to do with my situation at home...but that would be RIDICULOUS... I know there is something lacking in my marriage. My husband works an opposite shift and I am the one doing 80% of the parenting and household duties. I do resent that. Before marriage, I had a good social life, friends...I went out frequently and was able to do so because my mother was helping me raise my daughter and I had quite a bit of freedom. Being married and having another baby really changed my life. I wouldn't mind this so much if my husband and I were able to spend more time together and if he were here to be with the children in the evenings every once in a while so that I could get out and be with "grown ups".

So, I've been acting out. I'm not blaming him or taking any responsibility off of me, but I know that I often feel trapped and stuck and lonely. Chat fills that up, but it steals my energy that should be used towards improving my marriage.

My husband isn't interested in finding a job with more "family-friendly" hours, why would he? He leaves the house an hour before we all get home, he comes to bed about 4:30 am and sleeps until he awakes to an empty house...the fridge is full, the clothes are clean...what more could he want???

Well, I want more. I've told him and he just shrugs his shoulders and says "what am I supposed to do????". Darned if I know, honey..... So, there's another reason I talk to other men... they are THERE and they are interested and they are lonely, just like me. I like men. I like to chat. I enjoyed the two dates I went on with the OM, but I don't feel good about them... It's that adreneline rush...butterflies.... How immature, I know....

I sabatoge, I rationalize, I deceive and I sneak. I also love my husband, my kids, and my job and I live in fear that I will be discovered and revealed for the crappy person I'm being. Enough of my rambling....I needed to vent and your post really spoke to me. If you ever want to talk about it, please e-mail me at Aangelic1@yahoo.com
You aren't alone, and I know I'm not either....