So I just found out that my husband of 2 1/2 years has been having an emotional affair with someone he works with for the past two months. I found an e-mail that she had written to him and he had responded to. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, I just could not stand the pain. He was telling her that he loved her and that she "was the one". I thought that I was the one!! She had been over to our house last weekend when he had a day off and she was talking about kissing him and holding him. She is married as well by the way. She felt that she needed to get things straightend out in her own marriage before she could take things further with my husband, but it sounds like both of them think that if they are "perfect" together and they wish that they had met each other before meeting their spouses.

I confronted my husband about it and he did not deny it, but said that the relationship never went beyond talking and kissing. BUT HE SAID HE LOVED HER! To me that is worse than him just going out and having sex with someone because our love life is not the best, he actually has fallen in love with someone other than me. He says he still loves me and wants to work things out, and I truly believe him, he was heartbroken as well that I even found out. But how do I ever trust him again? All I keep thinking about is that he is going to see her at work every day, and how can he stop loving her if he sees her all the time? Why do husbands and wives cheat? It only ends in misery and yet as evidenced by the postings here, it happens more often than I ever thought that it did.

Just when I feel like I am starting to take it all in and cope with it, another wave of complete sadness washes over me as I contemplate how my best friend, soulmate and lover hurt me so teribbly. I have the feeling this is going to be something that will be with me the rest of my life... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Depends on the BS really. It seems that for men the sexual part is worse, for women the emotional betrayal is worse. But, that is not absolute by any means, and it really depends on the people involved.

Michael
Me 40
FWW 39
M 19
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC, IC
seperated but working hard

It's the weekend here so things will slow down and you may not get a lot of response until Monday.

I am fairly new here so I do not have a lot of advice. Others will come that will help you tremedously.

Some things though, start reading everything on this site. Get the book, survivg an affair by Dr. Harley. His needs Her needs is also great as is Lovebusters.

Your Dh must stop all contact with OW in order for you guys to work through this.

I know how awful it is to read your dh writing to another woman how much he loves her. My dh also had an EA. I read messages of him telling another woman they were soulmates, that we were getting divorced and he was going to be with her. It was devastating. That was about 8 months ago. We are making it. It's hard but you can make it through it.

EAs take more of a toll on the BS than the PA. Hard to believe but true. Also recovery from an EA is harder. PA takes the wonder out of the A.

Bottom line is that their touching is already a PA. The EA is giving them the euphoria of the A. That is why they think they are sooo perfect for each other.

Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, both are by Dr W. Harley.

Get to a good MC or even schedule phone counseling sessions with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri.

See if both of you can take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire located in the books or in the Concepts section above.

Your H is in the fog. Don't expect a lot of support from him. Also go secure your finances and family assets. Lots of good spouses turn evil turning the A. Be cautious.

Then let us know your thoughts.

take care,
L.

I am in a very similar situation to yours right now. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Things wre not perfect, and we both knew that. He rides a commuter bus to work and talks to everyone. He statred a friendship with a woman that had recently moved to our area. The man I have been married to for 9 years would not discuss our problems with me, but felt extremely comfortable discussing them with her. Like you, he tells me they only kissed a few times, but he did say that he fell in love with her. I am furious. For years I have been putting up with stuff I never thought I could deal with because I love him and kept clinging to the thought that he will wake up one day.

The results of my finding out were drastic, I think. My H has since had a small emotional breakdown and we are in counseling, both together and alone. He has many issues that he never dealt with and since I found out about this, he has been realizing things about himself that I never thought possible.

I agree that the ea is worse than the pa because sex is sex. It takes a lot to really fall in love and to see the person you share your life with say it to someone else is just devistating. Get yourself a good therapist and I agree with securing your assets. If for whatever reason, you choose not to stay, divorce can be very ugly. Get to the bank!!!

Good luck to you. Please let me know how your coming along.

Orchid I can't agree with that because for the most part the emotional affair preceeds the physical affairs.

So unless adultery occurs as a one night stand during a drunken company party or the hiring of a prositute, a physical affair normally is a double betrayal.

And for the most part physical affairs tend to be longer in length than emotional affairs--again excluding things like one night stands.

Finally a large number of physical affair involve unprotected sex at some point in time. So you can add the betrayal of potential exposing the innocent betrayed spouse to a potentially fatal STD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I agree that the ea is worse than the pa because sex is sex </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are guys assuming a sexual affair occurrs in a vacuum?

Most women that have affairs start off by having an EA that gets out of control. Many men too.

So for the betrayed spouse dealing with a sexual affair they are also dealing with an emotional affair....they get a double whammy of pain.

Keep in mind that for most men to feel love they need sex and for most women they must feel love before they give sex. 9 out of 10 times the A is already both; unless just a ONS.

Another point to consider with regards to a PA is that most women have sex with the men they feel a deep love for which means that the PA has the company of an EA as well. So an affair being solely a PA with a WW is a very rare and uncommon occurrence. The vast majority of WS that has ONS's is overwhelmingly male.

Have you noticed how much harder it is for most FWW's to start having sex once more with their BH's after the affair ends? Maybe it has to do with how women, in general, don't seem to have the same capacity as men of compartmentalizing sex and love OR just maybe the feeling of unworthyness for having given their bodies to men other than their BH's. Whatever the reason, when it comes to dealing with a FWW, it is much harder to recover from an affair that happened to turn physical.