im a male 34 have one beautiful child and been married for 9 years. if just been blind sided and am 95% sure my wife is having an affair. what should i do? should i confront her and invoke anger or wait? I love her so much that if she wants to stop it i will forgive her. am i a schmuck for that?

No, you are not a schmuck for that. Yes, confront, but not with anger (difficult, I know). Be prepared for lies, denial, and anger on her part. Other common phrases are "No, there is no other person but I need some space.", "I love you but am not in love with you.", and "How could you even THINK I would do something like that?" and "He's my soul mate." and "I never really loved you." I want you to be prepared for that, because they can be very discouraging to hear. It is some consolation that the MAJORITY of WS's say things like that, but the overwhelming majority of affairs end within 2 years, and the majority of WS's who's affairs are exposed remain married.

It wouldn't hurt for you to read through the links in my signature line before the confrontation, and order "Surviving an Affair" so it is on the way. We were about hlf way through it by our first meeting with an MC, and he said that we were already well along the right path by the time we got to see him.

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

13,

If you are a scmuck, then there are plenty of us here. Confrontation is necessary, but the confrontation we describe here is more like "confronting" the truth...rather than angry acusations. Expressing how you feel about your spouses actions without attacking or namecalling. Follow John's advice. "Surviving an Affair" is the best guide you can have right now, and his preparatory phrases are exactly what you are likely to hear. She will lie, or she will hurt you....so steel yourself. This first part can be pretty rough....but we're here to help. Sorry.

I just have been through this myself. I finally know the truth but it took 5 months for all the details(some more than I wanted to know) to come out. you do need to expect lie after lie after lie. and remember that if your going to ask a question that you may not like the answer and you need to decide if your ready for an answer you dont want. The pain part of it is the hardest to deal with. It is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Its been 2 weeks since i found out the worst details. Even though it's only been 2 weeks since the last bomb was dropped i feel stronger already. Definetly comfront your wife with caution and love. Good luck and just remember it will be the hardest thing you have to do but you will get through it.