I don't know what to do. My husband had an affair the entire summer with a woman at work. he says he wants to work things out with me and that he's done with her. The problem is she works at the same place. They don't work one on one but they see each other several times a day. I don't see how he can get past his feelings for her by seeing her all the time. He refuses to get a new job. Should I even bother with this marriage anymore? Is there any hope?

tin,

There is hope....but if working in the same place is a deal breaker for you....then you need to be prepared to defend that boundary. If it's one of the conditions....and I think it's a reasonable one by the way....then that must be in place for you to continue to remain in the marriage. If he stands firm and won't negotiate it....it's possible that you may have to move to Plan B. Are you prepared to do that?

NO i'm not ready for plan B. He's only been home a week. He's saying and doing everything he should but there's still the trust issue and he is grieving over losing her. Is there any hope for the marriage if he stays with his job? Is he going to get over her this way? I wish I could erase her but I can't.

Read Surviving an Affair, TOGETHER. Discuss the chapters as ou read them. Do all the exercises, including those in the appendix. There are a few (VERY few) people on this board who will tell you that you can recocver when there is continuing contact between the OP and the WS. My experience was that when contact finally ceased 100%, there was a noticeable improvement in our recovery. In our case, the continued contact was minimal - only as necessary for work, about once per month, either by phone or because both had to be attendees at the same business meeting, and the OP was living in Europe, we were in the US, so you might think it would not make much difference. But it did.

Harley says continued contact makes recovery impossible. Any time anyone uses an absolute word like "impossible", you can find an exception - but he uses that word because he wants to emphasize how serious this issue is.

Ahhhhh......so he is still in withdrawal. Yes there is hope....but it will be far far more difficult. Without exta-ordinary precautions to avoid his lover....the chances of him lapsing back into an affair are so great...that you will not find peace...and neither will he.

I will try to talk to him when he gets home from work about everything that I've read in this website. I have printed up the questionaires and the plan A and plan B. But what if he thinks this is a bunch of hogwash and won't discuss this with me. He says he wants to work things out but gets offensive when I try to talk to him about my feelings. If he doesn't want to discuss the things I've learned do I stilll go on or do I go directly to plan B? It seems so drastic and final. Help.

I spoke to him briefly and he said there is nothing that could convince him to quit his job. I told him the marriage will never survive when he sees her at work everyday. He said oh we'll be fine. I'm not quitting my job. It's over isn't it?

I am sorry you are going thru this it is so hard sometimes, but Love is stronger. I was in some of the same situation as you are. My H worked with OW, as soon as D-day happened I stress it was me or her. If it was I then he had to leave his job. He also didn't want to leave, but he did and transfered to another plant. Which did help our recovery alot. Then when she continued to call me, and harrass me he decided he would leave this company all together, plus changed our phone number. I did alot of praying before this happened, and had alot of faith if God wanted us to be together the doors would open. They did, and he has an even better job then he did before. He says now he is glad he decided to do it, because now he only thinks of her and the situation when I bring it up. So I don't bring it up to him anymore, just keep coming here for support. Also this site is so helpful, and there is hope for a future. It has been 1yr 3 months since D-day, and we are surviving.

Best wishes to you

No chere.....it's not over....it's just beginning. Withdrawal from a lover is a difficult time for everyone. You can't do a Plan B without FIRST doing a Plan A. Plan A is good for bringing a spouse out of withdrawal and getting them back to the negotiating table. He's already come home....with NO CONDITIONS...you let that happen....and now, it's much harder to negotiate...but far from impossible. If you want to show your husband something....do NOT make it the outlines for Plan A and B!!!! yikes! How about starting with the LB and EN questionaires....ask him to fill them out for you so that you can do the best Plan A you can.

Then do yourself a huge favor....call a marriage counselor....preferably the Harleys, or Cerri and get an objective person to help introduce these concepts to your H in a logical way. Get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and ask him if he would read it. Stop relationship talks for now.

It's not even near time to give up....so put that chin up and don't even THINK about teaching any of this stuff to your husband....it's only one of the biggest Love Busters there is!

Also, don't print out Plan A or Plan B for him. They are for you.

"We'll be fine"?!?! How does he get to decide for you? You have a few problems that go beyond the affair. That is typical, though, but it is a clue about how hard this is going to be. Star is right. Plan A. THEN, if necessary, Plan B

I don't know how to deal with this pain. I'm seeing a shrink and I still can't get out of this hole I'm in. I wish I wasn't around anymore. I wish God would take me home.

Keep your chin up. I too am going through this with a WH who works with the OW. I know it is so hard, but you have to find strength from within. When I first found out, I thought "how can I survive this?" I was so fortunate to find this website, so many people here have been through this and can help you through it. Keep talking to your counselor and suggest that you and your husband see a MC together