Ok, here we are. Plan B for one whole day. This already sucks huge. I miss her so much and just want to call her, well whatI really want to do is hold her and kiss her and for everything to be alright.

Let me explain how everything went down. I caught her being dropped off at her car in the Wal-mart parking lot at 6:00 am last Monday morning. I video taped it, she saw me taping her. She went home and packed her bags and moved to her folks house. She's been there a week now. On Tuesday, Jenn advised me it was time to move to plan B. She said it could wait a couple of days, but a week was to long. Saturday, we decided to take the kids to camp Snoopy. We had a GREAT time. The kids were happy, she had fun, we laughed alot. I asked her if I could take her to dinner, she agreed. Once alone, things got a little tense between us. We got to talking about us and this OM. She got very cold and started to defend him and tell me that I should move on, she has. This is over and it will never be back. She is done and the marriage is history. Now, all day she was very non-commital about her plans and if she would ever consider giving us another shot. She seemed to be going thru an internal struggle. Every time she found herself having fun and getting close to me, she would go cold and become emotionaly distant. That cycle repeated over and over thrughout the day, nonetheless we had a great day. Dinner was different, she was adamant that things were over and I should just get over it. I told her that if that was the case, I would have to insist on no contact. I told her several times that this was not meant to hurt her or to get back at her. This was for me, this has become too painful to watch. I told her that it hurts me beyond belief knowing that we could have so much more, that we could be happy and passionate together. I want to give her the sun, moon, and stars but until she is ready to commit to working on us and giving up the OM; I can't have anymore contact with her.

She has the letter, she read it when it was up on the board here for critique, plus I gave her a hard copy of it. She said it was increadibly childish, why can't we be adults about this? How would I react if I weren't being manipulated by this cult (she likes to dimiss all of what I'm doing and all the info from MB because she says it is a cult). Then she got increadibly angry and mean, calling me names and saying that if this was the way I wanted it, she would just go and file for divorce.

When I dropped her off at her folks and said good night to the kids, I pulled her Dad aside to fill him in on where we stand. I'm very fearful that she will turn them against me and they will help her finance a divorce or do something to help her with custody. I don't know why, it's just something that bothers me sometimes. I've pulled both her mom and her dad aside on a couple of occasions to reassure them of: how much I love her and want her back, that I'm not trying to keep her kids from her or them, that I am looking out for the best interests of the kids, that everything I've done is part of a well documented process to end the A and get her back to the M, that nothing done thus far has been done out of malice or anger, and that above all else I just wanted her back so that we could work on our M. Niether of them say much, I know that they don't want to take sides, and I'm sure to tell them that I don't want them to. I just want them to encourage her to do the right thing.

I ned some help here. I love her so much and just want one more chance. She continually says it is over and I should just move on. It tears me apart to think of what this is doing to our kids. She keeps telling me that evrything I've done has only pushed her out the door and that I don't see it but MB has done more to destroy our M over the last month than anything else. Now I know that these are not rational statements, it doesn't make sense that my trying to meet her needs, not to LB, calling her on her behavior, and keeping tabs on her is somehow more destructive than her having an A. But, that is her arguement, and she is very convincing. I need some emotional support here, I feel like I might never again be able to talk to her. I just want my wife back. My heart is aching so much right now, I don't know what to do.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

Stay the course. What she means when she says that MB stuff is destroying your marriage is that it is making her life difficult. It makes it impossible to be a cake-eater. It is introducing conflict into her affair. This is all good.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by RJP:
<strong>We got to talking about us and this OM. She got very cold and started to defend him and tell me that I should move on, she has. This is over and it will never be back. She is done and the marriage is history. Now, all day she was very non-commital about her plans and if she would ever consider giving us another shot.</strong>

Let's start here. Aside from commenting that you seemed to be having way too many relationship talks, especially on a day when you should be depositing FC points in the lovebank, I think that you are putting way too much weight on her statement du jour. She is in the fog, so you can't put too much weight on her statements and feelings, be they positive or negative.

Hang in there...I'm told that Plan B brings some relief after a few days from the stress of all the marital brawling. How are you handling no contact and the kids, etc?

Hey Mike. The relationship talks are because she brings them up. I just go with the flow. I've told her several times that we should keep things light and not talk about us for a change. This works for about 20 min. worth of conversation then somehow it is back to us again.

I'm not sure how to handle the kids yet, in the realm of no contact at least. I told her that until we have a nuetral third party lined up we should communicate pertinant info regarding the kids by note or e-mail. She shook her head and stated how f'ing childish I was being. I've called over there twice to talk to the kids (good morning and good night today) and when the kids are done talking, they hand the phone over to her. She says nothing and just hangs up. I know this is what I asked for, but wow, that kinda hurts ya know. In any event, I think she is trying to give me a taste of my own medacine for now. I'm sure after a couple of days she will soften.

Is it ok normally, to keep communications open with her in regards to the kids? I only ask because I thik I will be hard pressed to find a third party who will be willing to get in the middle of this. Obviously I'd keep things short and to the point and ONLY about the kids. Do you see anything wrong with that?

RJP,

Plan B starts out really hard. The first few weeks are very painful, but I want you to remember something....Plan B is all about you. It's designed to protect you from the conflict and pain of the affair.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thanks Star. I've been considering changing my identity on this site for about a week now. I just don't know how to do that and still let the people here who are familiar with my story know it's me. Any suggestions on how to do that?

Good Luck RJP, I'll be praying for you.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

living a plan B maybe a b#tch, but so is living with a faitless wife who is flaunting her affair in your face. is this not a fair description of where you are right now?

if so, her's how i would approach it.

begin to have a new life! do things to change yourself. your appearance, your interestes your friends, the places you go the things you do. take the kids on a weekend car trip! visit distand family. get yourself some new cloths. a new hair cut...NEW< NEW< NEW! be different!

in the doing you will accomplish two things. first, you wil keep yourself busy and it will help to keep you from obsessing over your WW. second, it will make you a more interesting person to her. and she will know about it..everything! trust me she will find out.

look, she has to begin believing that you have taken her advice and are moving on with your life. it's this kind of finality that will cause her to really begin to refelct on what she's doing...what she's giving up. now let's see the OM meet her EMs as well as deal with her daily problems. let's see how he compares to the father of her children!

stay the course! this can work for you but you must stay the course. no contact with her! if it's about the kids, do it through her parents. it will give you a chance to stay in contact with them...and that may end up being a very good thing. by the way, did you give them a copy of your plan B letter? if not, maybe you should.
coach

Remember there are consequeces to decisions we make. She has been making the decisions but she does not want to live with the results but rather blame you for the results.

You MUST accept and make peace with the very real possibility that your marriage MAY not survive. Even if you do the most flawless Plan A/Plan B, there is NO guarantee that your WW will want to come back and rebuild the marriage. Your objective is to do YOUR best by following the MB methodology BUT beyond that it is beyond your control. Doing so will help you to emotionally detach (get control of your emotions and not vice versa) and set up personal boundaries that you are NOT going to compromise on (marriage counseling with a pro-marriage professional and following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage even if it means you are going to divorce her. If you do this, along with coach's advice (without getting involved with another woman) you will come out a winner no matter what happens to your marriage.

RJP

As I read your thread one major thing came to mind. TMCM gave a URL link to Divorce Bustings 180 Degree list. I found this extremely helpful for me when I was in your position not too long ago. In order to keep my sanity as I neared the point of getting medical attention and medication for depression, I found that DETACHING is the only way to go. I know it sounds impossible but if your W wants you to move on...do it! Next time you get into an R talk tell her you've changed your mind that you realize that she was right. You will no longer seek her out. You have a life to live and that you are not going to waste it any longer. You've already given her the Plan B letter--fantastic! Now go get the life you want. Remember you are in competition with a fantasy. If she sees you are miserable, upset, etc. compared to her "idealic" life, which do you think she will choose? It sounds as though she feels conflicted already. That's the point. Now you have her attention. Show her what's she's missing without you. Her bubble will burst soon enough. You just HAVE TO have patience and faith in yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS! She fell in love with you in the first place, didn't she? She loved you enough to marry you of her own free will, didn't she? Who's to say she won't feel that way again despite what she says now? When you first dated, did you have R talks all the time? I try to think of feelings as a circle with love being at the top and what's happening now at the bottom. I'll bet if she sees you getting a life, she just may want to be part of it. Therefore going back to the top of the circle to love.

Remember #32 specifically:

32. Do NOT BELEIVE ANY OF WHAT YOU HEAR AND LESS THAN 50 PERCENT OOF WHAT YOU SEE, YOUR SPOUSE WILL SPEAK IN ABSOLUTE NEGATIVES BECAUSE SHE IS HURTING AND SCARED.

If you don't believe me, read my thread Where do I go from here?. In my case there was no OP but my H said exactly the same things to me that your W says to you.

Try it. I can't hurt (too much). What have you got to lose otherwise?

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

Ok, I've been trying to reply to this all day... and not having much success. <sigh>

PlB is really sucky at the outset. It feels like being cut adrift and after so much effort and energy being poured out, you're at a loss for what to do.

The important thing to keep in mind is that PlB is to protect you. That is the whole goal of PlB. That's why there's no such thing as a modified PlB and why the n/c is essential.

In that protection too is the need to stop the inevitable slide into either coldness or outright love busting when you have the A in your face, because the idea is to leave a good final impression.

Now about MB and posting. If your spouse is reading here then you probably need to have a new id... or not post. First of all, it's not helping your cause to have your spouse reading things that people write about her which might be derogatory. Although I preach all the time that doing necessary things which anger a partner who is having an A (like confronting and exposing) are not love busters when done properly and that I really don't get too upset when the WS gets angry...... those things are entirely different from the pain and anger she would feel from reading what others (or even you) might write about her. Those things WILL hurt you in the long run.

This forum is meant to be a place to come and get advice on how to implement good sound concept based strategies. Bashing a spouse, whether one's own or someone else's, regardless of what he or she is doing, is counter to everything MB stands for. And unfortunately we all have a tendency to do that particularly when infidelity is involved.

Stay the course. Protect you. Detach... this is the time for that. Read something entertaining, revist old hobbies and friends (same sex/marriage advocates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) or find new ones. This is the time to take care of you and your kids.

C

How are you?