<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:27 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:28 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:28 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

A_M, how are you? What happened last night? Sorry no one was on to give advice last night--let us know how you are.

AM,
most here will feel for you and the situation you find yourself in...but try to understand that what's happening in your life will presents a real challenge to us.

most around here, (i can only make the giant assumption) are dealing with more conventional kinds of relationship problems.

i simply don't understand the *rules* of your chosen life style so it's kind of hard to give advice.

in any case, it sounds like your W has gone outside the bounds of what's acceptiable and this is something i do understand.

if it were me, i would try to figure out what's motivating her. is her relationship just sex or is it an emotional attachment? if it's the latter then plan A would apply...and i'm only guessing here. read about plan A and understand that it's a mechanisem to break up the affair and for you to identify your W's EN so you can make yourself the one who meets them.

as for where she is right now...what could be happening that you find objectionable? i mean you've given her your approval to do it...and now your agnry that she's taken you up on it?

i know that you're jealous and hurt but unless you two wish to redfine your relationship, all she's really doing is abusing her priveledege so to speak. i mean from her point of view, she just insn't doing anything very wrong!

if you want her back you may just have to re-evalute your life style. look, isn't it fair to say that allowing gratuitous sex to take place is opening yourself to emotional attachment? and if it happens...well it happens?

one last thought. no matter what you two have agreed upon, that agreement should be respected. if she choses not to respect it then you have to decide what you want to do about it. if she can't be trusted to keep hger word then for me this would be a very rel problem to live with.

sorry i can't be more helpful.
coach

00.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

AM: err...no, an open marriage does not work if you start with a loving solid stable marriage to begin with, because if you had that, you would not want an open marriage, because it would obviously mess that up. What you are experiencing is the natural consequence of having an open marriage. Furthermore, if you want to use the POJA, then if you can't aggree, neither of you does ANYTHING. You both do nothing. Nothing. One of you giving in is what the POJA is designed to prevent.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Amess,

It seems evident to me that if you want an OPEN marriage you married the wrong woman. She would be crushed if went out with this other girl, yet she isn't having a problem cheating on you.

While, I don't think an open marriage means a whole lot apparently you two do, or at least you thought you to do. I suspect her behavior is strongly telling you that she doesn't want you.

I don't know if you have done plan A, but it sounds as if you sort of tried, but haven't been lately. Read up on it, but also read up on Plan B. I thinnk that is where you are going. Please do not have any children until you two really sort out what your lives should be like.

Frankly, I think that your marriage is not, was not, and may never be strong enough to truely handle an open marriage. I strongly believe that before you can open up a marriage as you two have attempted to do, that the "closed" marriage should be strong and built on trust and demonstrated devotion to one another through some hard times.

Your marriage has not be raised to that level.

So while I personally don't hold much stock in an "open" marriage, I will offer you the opinion that yours was not ready for it, and it may never be.

The ball is in your court right now. Plan A and then once you have done a good plan A seriously consider plan B. I hope that this approach will be of help.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

AM you obviously can't force your W to do what is in the marriage's best interest BUT you can have non-negotiable personal boundaries that you are willing to divorce over. One of those deal breaking personal boundaries is the following by BOTH of The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage . If she is unwilling or reluctant to follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage then you have to take responsibility for chosing to stay married to a woman whose actions betray her words of love for you.