Yesterday, after a big fight with my H, he took it upon himself to call my mother (of course she in turn calls other family members). H and I have been in recovery for about 3 months now, until I found out that he saw her two weeks ago to formally say goodbye. (This started the fight)<P>I now have the whole family in my marriage, (they all suggest that I leave H and take care of our two kids without him). <P>At this point, I don't know what I should do. Should I keep on fighting for a marriage that I feel sometimes will not owrk anymore? I feel ashamed and alone (no family support). Everytime I look at the kids, I feel so empty inside. I feel they would be better off with someone who is not as weak as I am right now.<P>In the meantime, H apologies continuously about the situation, mom gives her lectures every chance she gets (leave his @#$ she says), and the rest of the family is ringing my phone off the hook.<P>I need some positive insight right now. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is just die to get rid of the pain. Please help me before it's too late!<BR>

Alsolost,<P>Don't put to much faith in the advice from your family. I remember when I first told my family about my wife's affair their advice to me was to get a divorce or they tried talking sense into her. Non of there tactics were what I needed to do. Your familiy doesn't likely know why affairs happen or how to heal a marriage once they do. Have you read any books on affairs? If not you should so you can educate yourself on why the affair happened and what your options are for dealing with and what you are going through right now. You know what your marriage means to you and what you want to do is what matters. Becareful about free advice given from non experts. Don't die, it's not worth it. Read books on affair, eat, sleep, take care of you and your kids. Get help taking care of the kids if you can.<P>Good luck and much patience.

Alsolost;<P>Oh how I feel for you right now. Sorry I am not much on positive support, but just wanted you to know I feel your pain. It is not good when the whole family gets involved. My family has no idea and I want and plan to keep that way if at all possible. Because I know how they would react. Just like yours.<P>If you really and truly love you H and want this marriage then hang in there. Don't throw it away because of what others right now are saying to you. They don't live this you do. And you wouldn't want to jump too soon in making a life changing decision if there hasn't been enough given to it(your marriage) to not have any regrets later. Feeling that you could or should have done this or that. Am I making any sense at all to you. This is all so hard I know but keep reaching out for support here. There are so many good people who care and can give much better advice than I can right now. <P>Pray for guidance and read and post. We are all listening and there for you. But by all means don't make a decision in the heat of anger. That can only make matters worse.<BR>I'm trying to cool off right now. I hope to find my level headed thinking before H comes home.

Gosh, I know exactly how it feels when you talk about your entire family wanting you to leave him. My family found out and they also wanted, and continue to want, me to leave my H. I was certain that that was what I wanted too. My grandparents gave me the $1,500.00 to hire the lawyer for a divorce, and now I've decided not to go through with it. I feel ****ty for agreeing with them so whole heartedly, and now feeling exactly opposite. But I would have to say, that is the dynamics of dealing with an affair. I don't think many of my family members agree with me staying with him. But, I married him, and keeping our marriage together is what we've decided to do.<P>I feel for you, I know how rough it is to hear that from your family.

do what is in your heart- only you know what is right for you and your family (kids, H).<BR>We all know the pain, insanity, powerlessness, etc.<BR>It is a bumpy ride- hang on.

Thank you all for replying so soon. I know I have to follow my heart, but I'm afraid of losing my family. I also afraid of growing old alone and raising two kids.<P>I loved my H more that life itself, maybe that's why I feel there nothing more to live for.<P>My H just called to plead with me to hold on to our marriage. He says my family is not going to stop him from loving me. (nice words to hear at this time) I know I must sound very weak and silly, but I can't seem to come to grips with reality. <P>Thanks again for all the words of encouragement. I'll keep posting until the pain goes away (hopefully soon).<BR>

Welcome <B>Alsolost</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I've seen a few "replies" from you to others... bu this as your first post...<BR><B>Welcome</B> as a poster!!!<P>I think you know some of this since you've been lurking and replying for at least 3 weeks now... but here you go anyway with my usual welcome wagon spil..<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>You are in recovery... even though there seems to be a lttile bck-slidingfoing on now... Review and develope a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, or are in recovery... is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Many problems <B>are</B> amplified by your ouw or spouses family... that is all too true... <P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're are going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>Even in recoer... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (I hope that wasn't too loud)<P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>I too he my whole family and the vast majority of my (so called freinds) saying divorce her... They just don't see that that is the only solution...<P>Hang tough... get that emotional support <B>here</B>!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Lost- I know this is a difficult time and your family's expressions are nothing more than concern for you, you know this to be true. If they didn't love you they wouldn't say anything at all.<BR>My suggestion is this: Tell them that the two of you need to work this out since this is a marriage between the two of you. Tell them that you thank them for their loving support and are glad that they will support you no matter what decision you should choose, weather to try and work things out within the marriage or to go your own separate ways, you will need their love and support either way. Obviously you two have made a covenant with God in your marriage vows and you must consider this deeply, that you honor your vow and will do all within your power to maintain this with the Lord.<BR>If you say these things in the right way your family will respect your wishes and bow out until you consider everything. <BR>If you've been visiting this board then you know that sometimes the OW is like an addiction and that it's hard, like giving up drugs. The fact that he told her 2 weeks ago is the norm for an addicted person. It is hard for them. I know this is unfair to you but you need to put it in the back of your mind that he did choose you. You are the one who he is committing himself to now and you might regret walking away and not giving him that opportunity to redeem himself. I will be saying prayers for you, God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

NSR,<P>Thank you for your response. <P>I have ordered and read Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" twice. I can't seem to get my H to read it with me. I know for a fact that he will not agree to the Joint Agreement Policy.<P>He has agreed to counseling but he refuses to talk during the session (so why should I do this alone).<P>I have also read all the letters written to Dr. Harley to see if anyone else has a similiar situation. <P>My H thinks that this website is clouding my mind with things I should not be thinking about. He thinks we can recover without anyone's help. Is it me, or does that sound stupid?<P>Anyway, thank you again. I will keep reading and hopefully posting too!

Chicks,<P>Thank you for just the right words to say without being disrespectful. <P>My H tells me that he is not addicted to her, he never had any feelings for her besides friendship. However, things went too far. He says he wanted to tell her once and for all to stop calling her cell phone. (since we got the number at home changed)<P>It's funny, he didn't bother to come home until 4:00 that morning. He said after seeing her, he went to a bar to drink. I still don't believe him. (I don't believe anything he says anymore)<P>Maybe I should be thankful that he chose me from the beginning. He has never wanted to move in with her like the OW wanted. He says it was a big mistake, and he sees my hurt. However, he refuses to acknowledge that.<P>I will re-read your words of encouragement so when I talk to any family members I'll be ready. Thanks again.

We all have different tolerance levels. Only you can decide what you want. And if you want the marriage to work, then, give it all you got. And if you've had enough, seek happiness and peace where you can find it. But I will tell you this. You must LOVE YOUSELF! There was a time when I didn't love me, and it's a miserable feeling. And finally, allow your children to be an added strength. I cannot begin to count the times when my one year old has caused me to say to myself "girl, get yourself together." Stay strong and be encouraged.

Even after what he did it is still nice to hear those words....I love you and I am sorry....I heard those words in the beginning and like you sometimes they felt like they were said a little too late. But I was the Queen of love busters. I didn't find this site until H moved out and I filed for a divorce. There is no chance for me and I mourn that loss everyday. I did find a site while we were trying to "work things out" but it seems that I was much better at giving advice than listening to my own words. If you love him, don't let your family or anyone else tell you what you should do or what is right for you. I nipped that very early by telling my family and friends that I still loved him and that I didn't want to hear any negative things about my H or our marriage from them. Even though the D will be final in less than a month and my H has done everything to hurt me and the children, I still live by that rule. They allow me to vent to them, express my deep sorrow and sometimes "love Bust" but they are very closed mouth when it comes to them actually saying anything negative. It is very hard for me to accept this divorce and I will regret it as long as I live. Please.....if you love him do everything in your heart of hearts to get him to communicate and open up and save what you have. You are worth it and I'm sure he is too. Good Luck to you. My heart goes out to you in this very confusing time.<BR>Nancy

Hello Alsolost,<P>Welcome to the world of hurt I would like to start by saying that everything you are feeling is normal for the situation. What you need to do is make sure you do not focus on the negative-even though it is there and you have a right to think about it-DO NOT let it run your thinking processes. You have every right to feel hurt, confused, angry, whatever you want to feel! But if you choose to be sad because of what your H did to you then you will hurt you and your kids. This is where you find out who "you" really are. Your world hasn't ended-trust me it hasn't. The pain is real and the pain is justified-but your life has just begun. I find it very unfortunate that we have to deal with our spouses betrayal but after coming to Marriage Builders we see that we are "far" from alone in this. We can't depend on our spouses for our happiness. WE can love them all we want but when they make the chopice to betray us then we need to make new and more intense decisions. If you feel that you still love your H then that is fine for you! If you feel that there is a good reason to try and rebuild what you once had with your H then go for it!!! There is nothing wrong with sticking with him. But if he can't own up to his mistakes or if he is not willing to work on the marriage then I have to say I see little chance for the marriage working. It does indeed take two to make it work right.<BR>I was married for 13 years to my high school sweetheart. He got very messed up in drugs and alcohol shortly before we married and things went from bad to worse. I felt just like you sound. I didn't think I wanted to live-I was afriad of rasing my two boys alone. I didn't know what to do. Let me tell you-my biggest worries were unfounded. Where there is a will there is a way-and that is the truth!! You are able to do anything you set your mind to doing-you can make it work even though I am sure things would be a struggle at times. The things that you can't change are other people.<P>I will keep you in my prayers as I feel you really need to know that you have a friend or two out there that understands what you are going through. Take care of yourself and the kids-you are all important!!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. The bad thing about this is: I don't know if I still love my H, and I don't know what I should do now.<P>Jamie-Lee: At this time I do not love myself. I don't think I've ever loved myself. That's why I got married to my H because he saw something in me no one else saw. I don't know how to begin finding the real me. All I want right now is inner peace.<P>Mental: I don't know if I should believe anything he says to me anymore. Sometimes H tries to make ammends, and other times he acts of if he doesn't care. The mixed signals are very confusing. <P>Heartache: I think I will give him a second chance. One of my biggest fears is falling into this same situation again later on in our marriage. He has promised never to disappoint me again, but who knows. I truly believe if I let him walk out of our (me and the kids) life, it will be a big mistake. <P>My 8 year old pleaded with me last night to stay with her daddy. She loves him so much and wants to see him everyday. Yet, my mom thinks that my daughter will be fine if my H leaves.<P>What else can I say to him? H does not want to talk about this situation, he just wants to move on with life. On the other hand, I know I need to 'get myself together', especially for the kids sake.<P>Thank you all again for your kind words, suggestions, and prayers. It's good to have someone to talk to!