My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We were both very young (19 and 22) when we were married. We probably were not properly prepared for marriage and all that it would entail. We have not been meeting each other's needs for many years now, which resulted in me almost having a one night stand with a complete stranger at a bar. Since reading His Needs Her Needs I understand that this was the same as having an ongoing affair and I accept responsibility for that. It was a huge mistake and one that I will regret for my lifetime.

A few months ago one of our common friends told my husband about this, althought I'm sure he already knew as I didn't come home until 4:00 a.m. but this just confirmed. Because of this, he accused me of having multiple affairs with people from the start of our marriage. One of the situations I realize now was an Emotional Affair, but never physical.

For the past 6 weeks we've been trying to go to a counselor, although she hadn't been any help. So I found a new one, one that I thought would be much better. We had a session on Friday, he is familiar with Dr. Harley's book and recommended my husband read it as I already had.

Today, Oct 6th, my husband told me that for the past 2 years he has been having a relationship (with an ex-employee who recently left her husband) and for the past 7 months has had an ongoing affair with her. He told me he was trying to make everything my fault so that he could get out of the marriage easier, but apparently I wasn't playing into this. Since I had read the book, I've been doing my level best to meet all of his needs. (I was going on the 5 basic needs for men in general). I was making changes for the better, for me and our marriage while he's been hell bent on getting out of the marriage.

I'm in desperate need of support and advice. I love my husband and I don't want him to go. I am not going to give up on us, our marriage and our family without a fight and I've told him that. He claims that he's in love with her, but I wonder is he really?

He's very non-communicative and always has been so I'm wondering if he's just saying these things to try to make me angry and throw him out. I haven't done that yet. . . . . I can't.

Thanks for any advice and of course, support.

Hope4Best

Hi Hope4Best,

I found it helpful to remind myself that he was engaged in a fantasy relationship, nothing real yet. He may well be "in love" with her, but what does that mean? Nothing. You KNOW that and he doesn't yet. That may give you comfort when nothing else can.

Plan A to the best of your ability, using that fighting instinct you've obviously got. You've already recognized mistakes you've made in the marriage so use that knowledge to prevent all LBs and meet his needs, even if you have to grit your teeth to do so!!!

Also, I know this is WRONG (Plan A is not about YOU but about ending the A) nevertheless I did find it helpful to think that Plan A WAS about me. It helped me to motivate myself when I felt like giving up. I would tell myself that I was becoming a better person, giving more than receiving, humility, etc. But this tactic may not work for you.

I have little experience so won't comment on your situation other than to say that I don't think you should throw him out (from what you've described) but concentrate on Plan A instead. Let him do the leaving if he chooses...

And remember to look after yourself too! Part of Plan A is appealing spouse (in my opinion) so you have to feel good about you and be lovable, despite how you may feel right now. Do things you enjoy on your own, pamper yourself, remember to laugh. They all worked for me.

I too will hope for the best! Awed

THank you for the words of encouragement. I've been up all night. I hug him while he's sleeping, but I think it's annoying him. I can't help it.

I'll read up on Plan A and the specifics. My head tells me he's living in fantasy land and when the harsh realities of life come down he may change his mind, I hope so, but he is soooo stubborn. Sometimes it's like once he's made a decision he'll stick with it whether he thinks it's the right decision or not.

Thank again.

The link in my signature line contains references to the tools that helped us the most, as well as a few that I have seen reliably help others on this board who's situation was a little different than ours. There are some good links on Plan A in there. It sounds like your counselor is a good one, they may be able to help you, and you are obviously doing something right, since you seem to be taking away your husband's excuses.

You know, I almost started my post to you with a reference to the late night! I certainly recognized the impulse (and opportunity) to post when your thoughts are just swirling around in your head. During the first few anxious weeks, I found reading through other posts helpful, reading through all the resources...I kept finding little nuggets that would sustain me until the next emotional crisis hit.

My H is stubborn too. Therefore, one further pitfall I can recommend avoiding is "telling" him things, including critiquing his choices. Instead, remind yourself he needs to figure everything out for himself. Otherwise you risk influencing his choices away from you and your wishes.

My H is going through a mid-life crisis so believe me when I say that I had to bite my tongue HARD to avoid saying what I really thought about some of his ideas (sure hon, working 7 days a week for 16 hours a day sounds like a great idea!). But that's what I did...said "great"! Or "good idea"! And then would follow up with a sincere (not sneakily sarcastic) question about whatever the topic was.

At first he was suspicious but he quickly got used to it. After all, wasn't this what the OW was doing? Feeding his ego? You bet!

In terms of our relationship, this meant I was becoming his friend again and gradually we started really talking again. And he started actually asking my opinion instead of making declarative statements.

This is another tactic I used during Plan A that may or may not work for you, or perhaps is not applicable to your H at all. In any case, I can sure appreciate what you say about stubborn. It can be hard to live with.

Check out those links provided by johnh39 -- and remember that if you are feeling like a doormat, you're doing Plan A just right! Hence my previous comment about looking after yourself...you have to be your OWN best friend for the coming weeks.

I can't resist making one last comment: don't hug him. If it's annoying him, you CAN help it. Tell yourself your marriage is at stake. Resist. It's an LB. It won't help. Trust me. Again.

I feel like a jerk telling you this because I know how much you want to. I wanted to too. It hurts so much. Everything is overwhelming. It's late and dark and you feel really vulnerable...

So get up and post to MB! Watch a funny movie. Eat chocolate ice cream. You get my drift.

This is only my advice...based on painful 1st-hand experience, that's it. But basically anything that pisses him off is bad for Plan A.

Hang in there!!!

My counselor told me the same thing. . . .don't chase him. This is really hard, but I'm really trying not to. I have another post going, and would really appreciate any feedback you have on that one as well. I just wonder how I will know if he's "figuring out" everything? Because he keeps everything to himself, I'm not sure he'll tell me. Part of my fear too, is that he cannot be "wrong", so will he leave anyways just because he wants to be right. By saying right, I mean sticking to the fact that he says he doesn't love me and loves her versus realizing that maybe he may want to work on forging a new relationship with me in our marriage.

Our MC told me he was very confused, but saw a little softening, so maybe there is hope.

Don't pursue him. Back off. Let him come to you. Try to go about your life like he doesn't exist. You can still fulfill some needs when you do have contact--admiration, SF if applicable, etc. You are obviously fulfilling some of his needs if he is still living with you and not her after 2 years. Here's the link to Divorce Bustings 180 degree list. I bet he'll notice if you take some attention off of him and on to you. It will also do wonders for your self-esteem.

Do you have any children? If so, how are they coping with this?

SAB - we have 2 children, both boys. 1 is 17 and does everything he can to be out of the house (don't blame him). He knows things are not well, I did tell him that his dad wanted a divorce, but that I was going to fight. That's all I told him, but felt an explanation for crying at 4:30 in the afternoon when I'd just got home from work was necessary. The other is 6 and I think he can sense somehting is wrong, he keeps writing us notes about how thch he loves us. It's hard to try to be "normal" for their sake but I'm doing the best I can.

I'll check out the info - thanks!

HELP!!! I so need to just vent or something right now, so here I am. I am so frustrated by the lack of decision on his part. Im not sure if that's agood thing or bad thing since he's still living in the house. Not in our bedroom, but in the house.

He had softball last night. He did call to tell me that he should be home around 10:30 vs. 11:30 which is what he originally thought, but it ended up to be 11:30. Conceiveably, he was where he was and doing what he was supposed to be doing, but right now I doubt everything. Although when he did come home, he waved at me when he came into the bedroom to get his night clothes and also said good night on his way downstairs. I don't know if that's just wishful thinking that he's thinking about trying or him just manipulating me again.

This morning, he was supposed to leave for work at 6:00 for a breakfast meeting. He seems to have a "stomach ache" and is going in later. This happened the day tat he broke the news to me as well so I'm left wondering was her really with her yesterday/last night and now he feels totally guilt ridden? I wish I could know what he was thinking. Do you think he doesn't know what he's thinking???

I'm really having a hard time, I can't eat, I barely sleep. . . .I've lost almost 20 lbs in the last 2 months -- all I want is a semblance of my life back.

Advice???

Aw Hope, I just answered your other post but had to say that your story from last night brought tears to my eyes. That is heartbreaking about your little fellow...I hope you and your H are writing him notes back too! Poor little guy...

Anyhow, check out that 180 list as suggested.

Hope: I wish I could give you a hug!!!! Who are your supports in this ordeal? Tell me about them and how they support you.

Read my other post -- I'm spending a lot of time telling you stories because I want you to gain some insights from them...yes, anything is possible, no you can't know what's going on, yup it feels like you're being driven crazy. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN!!!

Only you can control yourself, and the only one you can control is yourself. You cannot make him choose, and you cannot choose for him.

You can influence his choice by the actions you take and responses you make. And you can make changes and do things that make you feel better about yourself.

I know you know this. Read it again. And again. Tell yourself over and over.

When it feels like too much, go look at Plan B stuff. You need to prepare yourself Hope. What will be your next step? Are you there yet? When you really can't take it, you Plan B to preserve your sanity/love for H.

I'm not suggesting you are there, only that facing the alternative often gave me the strength to keep going in Plan A. It feels like crap I know. Please feel free to read my long and frantic postings where I endlessly questioned what was he thinking now? What did this or that minute gesture mean? You'll see I know exactly how you feel right now.

It's normal. Post here and vent. Write in your journal (do you have one?).

What physical activities are you involved in? I can highly recommend martial arts! Seriously, getting out frustrations physically is vital.

One other question: have you done the rest of Plan A? Is the A already exposed?

I'm not sure how "in the open" the A is. He says he doesn't care who knows but I don't know if the OW's H knows. For right now, I'm not going to say anything to him because I think he would be very angry. As long as he seems to be making an effort to make a decision on his own, I'm not going to push him in the wrong direction. However, do not get me wrong, IF he decides that he does not want to work on our M, the first person I will call is the OW's H. I'm not sure if this is fortunate or not, but because I know so much about her, I know where to find her H. Also, her father is a client of my H's and who knows what he knows but since the OW's H works for him, that may not look good for my H.

I have told another common friend, but I get a sense that he already told her because she wasn't shocked or surprised by what I told her. She claims that she is here for me, but when I did tell her all she seemed to do was to try to prepare me for him leaving, to call an attorney, etc. These are all the things he wants me to do to make it easier on him. Additionally, that night my H used the exact same phrase she did on the phone. I also don't trust this person because if I ask if she's talked to my H, she acts like she hasn't. But on at least 2 occassions where I've asked a question like this, I already knew she had talked to him because he told me. She can't play both sides of the fence. I think her intentions are good, but I don't trust them.

I do keep a daily journal and have been for the past few months. Mostly it was to see where the inconsistencies would lie, but now it helps me to write things down and then if he wants to dispute something later, I'll have my own records versus trying to go from memory.

I pulled the 180 degress . . . off the website. I referred to it last night when he came home and I wanted to go down and check to see what he was doing. I didn't, I just read through the list again and again. It kind of helps but the urges can be very strong.

I don't do any kind of physical activity. Frankly, I don't have the energy since I can't really keep food down right now and am barely sleeping. But I'll keep it in mind.

He's just left for work so I'm here alone today. Has plans with his mom this evening so he won't be home again. He's very much trying to avoid me at all costs. . . .how is it possible to work on anything if he won't stay home?? How can I try to meet any of his needs if he won't stay home??? Advice here would be great. Is it normal for him to not want to be around me at all???

Got to run Hope...I posted a long reply again on the other board that I want you to read through closely.

Make sure you've answered the rest of my questions, and I'll give you everything else I can think of. Just to tell you now: I'm going away (with H!!!) tomorrow and won't be back on the boards again until next weekend.

Again, I'm sorry I can't give you any great insights...just a bunch of practical suggestions for how I got out of my personal hell.

Hope...very very briefly in response to what you're raising in this post...within 4 weeks I knew I was going to be better. Within 6 weeks I was telling people I WAS better. That's how good the program (the validation I described on your other thread) felt to me. Seriously.

Of course I was still crying whenever I saw them together (which was almost every day) because it HURT. But it didn't hurt as bad. And I knew I was a much stronger person than the one that had received the horrible news 6 weeks earlier. I was no longer devastated.

Hate to tell you grrl, but recovery ain't no cup of tea either! The emotional rollercoaster continues so you need to learn to be strong and TRUST yourself and your strength. You'll need it. You are in for a long haul. Use that knowledge not to be afraid but understand that you MUST learn to cope.

No one can do this for you but YOU.

That said, I talked to someone every single day in the early stages. I would cry, rant, rave...say I was leaving him, the [censored]!!! Scream even. You need to be able to get stuff out with someone you TRUST.

Is there anyone you can talk to...think and let me know.

Oh yeah, don't trust that woman. I don't like the sounds of it at all. Okay, I am throwing around the word trust a lot but please trust me on this one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> H's A was with a former close friend and then my former SIL (my brother's ex-wife) tried to either break us up or get closer to him for nefarious purposes while we were in the middle of crisis. Not that this woman is but boy that thing about playing in the middle of the two of you and LYING to you about it...it gives me the chills. That's what my SIL did.

I'm No Contact with her now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (So's my H...it's the one thing I asked him to do that he did right at the beginning).

Here's the drill sergeant in me...

Get out and do something physical. Force yourself. You can you know. You can. Do it. I lost over 30 lbs and have major health issues. If I can, you can. That simple. No more excuses. Go.

Hugs to you!!! I care and will check in again. Post post post, rant and rave on-line. Do whatever you need to do to make it. Then take a deep breath and wave back to him as he goes downstairs...did you have a great night honey? Hope...you can do it. Think, plan, practice.

ciao...awed

Awed: great advice. I do have someone I can talk to every day no matter what, actually 2 people and they are very supportive. It does help which I think it the only reason I haven't been ranting and raving at my H (which he thinks I need to do). Anyways, I'll patiently wait, do what I can and think about all the things I can do to raise my bank!

Have a great trip with your H. I hope it's everything you want!

H4B: Please tell the OW's husband. It may make your H angry, but it will not be an LB. There is a difference. You would want to know if you were in his shoes, wouldn't you?