Hi all. I have been reading many of the posts on this site, and they have been helping out tremendously. I found out last week (10/2) that my WH was seeing OW at work. It ended apparently the day before, they did not sleep together but did express emotions of love, in fact I found an e-mail indicating "she was the one" and that my wh "loved her and always would". She is married as well. He claims they both stopped it before it got "too far". He has agreed to see a MC, says he "cares a great deal about me" but will not say that he loves me. I bought the book Surviving an Affair and told him that he needs to break off contact completely with the OW, which is going to be pretty darn difficult given that they work together. Getting another job may be very difficult, my WH just took this job 6 months ago and had been unemployed for 8 months prior. He told me he needs a week to think about whether he can give up all contact with the OW. Why won't he just agree to this? I am trying to communicate more with him, which I discovered I was not doing enough of (causing him to turn to OW) but sometimes (like tonight) I feel like it is a waste of time. I am trying so hard to give him all the love and support he needs, but feel that I desperately need something back in return.

Anyway, if he decides he can not give up contact with OW do we still pursue MC together or not?

heartbroken- sorry you are here. This site will really help you out and give you lots of support and great ways to cope. I found out 7/19 and H has promised NC with OW 9 times. It never lasted more than one day. If you can, let OW's H know what is going on. Once the A is exposed, usually it's harder for them to continue. And expect lots of lies. You're H will not be in his right mind. But you are lucky to find this site as early as you did. By the time I found it, I had made many, many mistakes. There are lots of experts here. Hopefully you will hear from them. Also keep reading all of the information available on this site. Good luck and HUGS to you tonight.

On 7/8 found out my H was also having an A with OW at work, but had been sexual for almost a year. I was totally shocked, as we have had a 24 yr super marriage (how stupid was I, huh?)He promised NC, but for a month we went through this 3 times until he finally wrote her an email which I approved, and she then didn't believe he even wrote it (blamed me for it). He then called her with me on the extension and told her the email was from him and he would no longer have her in his life, not even as a friend. He professed his love for me, his desire to keep his marriage together forever with me, and asked her to respect his wishes in this. For two months he has had NC (she's called and emailed, but he will not return any to her). He now sees her and the whole A as something he's terribly ashamed of, and can't even believe he did this. He was in the classic withdrawal stage for the first month, then woke up. I hope you see the same situation with your H, but if you don't put your foot down and make him accountable, it won't happen. My H also works with OW, so I understand your concern, as it is mine also. But I needed to believe something, or I'd go crazy, so I just started having faith in him that he's have the strength to really end this totally, and I do believe he has. Make him jump through the hoops. Ask every day, "Any Contact"?
"Any Sightings"? (we use this word just to know if he saw her in the hallway or something). If there was a "sighting", I ask if he felt anything..any remorse, any desire", and he answers me with honesty. I don't think we could have gotten where we are now without doing this each day. Now he tells me before I even ask. It's encouraging, and makes me feel he's really trying to keep us together. Good luck..it's a tough situation.

Thanks for the replies. What I really want to know now is how do you handle feeling so lonely inside? All of the advice that I have been reading is to "be strong" and show my husband that I am still in love with him, communicate with him (which is what he thought I was not doing, thus leading him to the A in the first place) and add to his "love bank". What about my love bank? I am having a hard time believing some of what he says. Like last night we had a huge fight because he paid his cell phone bill without letting me look at it. For the past 6 months, I have been paying ALL of the bills and been responsible for that. I just thought it seemed a little odd that he just went ahead and paid the bill, like maybe he was hiding something (like how long he had been talking to OW from his cell phone for). Will I ever trust him? He thinks I never will...

Not if he keeps pulling Sh*t like that, you won't. Duh! Trust must be earned, and once broken, is multiple times harder to earn back. As for your question as to whether you should continue in MC if your H does not agree to NC, I would ask the MC, but my (non-professional, free) opinion is no. As long as he continues to defend contact with her, he is defending their relatinship and continuing the A. Trying to treat a marriage where there is ongoing contact with an affair partner, is like trying to treat someone for abuse who is only abusive when he is drunk, but who refuses to stop going to bars with his drinking buddies. So, if he does not agree to NC (which will probably take some time to work out, given his job situation - this may not have to be "instant" NC, but if he is not heading that direction, you are not in recovery, period), I would continue with Plan A for a few more weeks and then go to Plan B. Click on the link in my signature line, and read the Plan A links.

You have got to stop the arguments and just say something like: "Paying that bill when I always paid them before makes me feel like you are hiding something from me, and makes it impossible for me to trust you.", and don't argue, whatever his reaction. Those statements are about you and your feelings, and how his actions affect you, not about him and what he "should" do.

So here is the situation as it stands today. WH came home from work last night and informed me that he can not tell me that he will not have contact with OW other than work related matters. He said he does not want to have to lie to me, she is a friend and if he has something he wants to tell her, he feels he should be able to tell her without feeling like he is betraying my trust again. I am thinking about telling him that if that is the way it is going to be he is going to need to give me a play by play of every day and if he talked to the OW or not. I also don't think it is unreasonable for me to ask him to not 1.) have lunch with her alone, 2.) call her from his cell phone and 3.) talk with her after hours. Why is it that he understands my point of view but will not agree to it? I think that he wants to think that it was never really an A because they did not sleep together and they "stopped" it before it ever got that far.

I don't think that I am ready for Plan B yet, am going to suggest that we attend MC for a couple of weeks and see what happens from that. I am afraid that I am going to be hurt again.

HB,

Your H just gave you a big clue. He and the OW are pressing your buttons to see how far you will enable their A.

L.

Just a thought. He did have an affair. He had an emotional affair. If he wants to "talk" to her. That emotional affair will continue. They "stopped" themselves this time before it had gone too far. Who is to say next time it will be stopped. Personally (non-professional) opinion, I think you requests are unreasonable for you. He should have no contact at all. I believe any MB counselor will say the same. If he "loves her" how can he get over those feelings if he is still contact with her? I think you should probably read up on Plan A/Plan B.

I know that many of you will think that this is foolish, but I am choosing right now to trust my husband when he says that nothing more is going to happen between him and the OW that he works with. We are starting counseling next week.

How long will it take for him to feel emotionally attached to me again? When I kiss him at night he barely kisses me back, when I suggested sex the other night he pushed me away, saying he does not feel close enough to me and he would just be "going through the motions". I was very hurt by his saying this, but I guess I should not have been surprised considering.

It is kind of odd, here I am the BS, the one who was lied to and betrayed and I feel like I am the one trying the hardest to make this marriage work.

I learned exactly 3 weeks ago today that my wife was having an affair. She finally admitted it. The affair lasted 5 months, and she ended it the day she told me (and I believe her). This Monday she revealed a truth she had been keeping secret for years: she had a previous affair as well, this one lasting two months. This is an extremely difficult time for me, and I welcome support from everyone. I was finally put on antidepressants yesterday. Initially I was shocked; the third day I cried like a baby (my first hard cry as an adult; even deaths did not effect me like this). My wife tells me she loves me and wants to save this marriage; we have young children to consider. I also still love my wife and want to save this marriage. Tomorrow we are going to a priest for confesstion; we then plan to pursue marriage counseling. We have been married nearly 20 years; her first affair was a long time ago. Her recent affair is so devestating. I truly believed I had the best marriage on this planet; I was so happy. Many of Dr. H's articles have helped me through some of this, but I am looking for some supporting comments. I realize most marriages survive infidelity. It would be comforting from those married a long time (40 or more years) that experienced infidelity somewhere around 20 years to share how they overcame a world-shattering event. Thanks to all.

HB30:
Although I am a jr member, and have similar questions and doubts about WW telling me there is NC, I agree with Orchid and ne.

My WW had an EA which led to an PA. One of the first clues that something was wrong in our marriage was lack of sex. She was always too tired, afraid the kids were going to interrupt, said I wanted it too often, etc. She always had an excuse.

If your H has not already had a PA, which amplifies the pain of an EA like you would not believe, then you still have a chance to avoid it. Put your foot down and demand NC, zero tolerance! Tell him to put together his resume and start looking for another job.

I know its tough, as I am faced with the having to do the same thing. Let's support each other and what we know is right, complete honesty. We cannot go wrong with this position.

HB30 are you out there? How are things going? What is happening with your plan?

Mike, I don't exactly meet your criteria, I've been married 19 years, my wife had an affair from years 14-17. Two years later, our marriage is better than it ever was, and it is getting better, mostly because of our putting Harley's principles to work. (BTW, you will find the same principles in the Bible, if you know where to look.) I don't think there is a better writer on how to have a good marriage. However, for affair recovery, there is one other book I liked better than Harley's "Surviving an Affair": "Torn Asunder", by Carder. I always recommend them together, though, because what Harley writes about Emotional Needs is usually so crucial to understanding an affair, and Carder's book is weak in that area, IMO.

Thanks for the comments from Working It Out. I know that ultimately you are right. We attended our first counseling session this week and that is exactly what the MC said. She looked right at my WH and said "Are you choosing your wife, or are you choosing this other woman?" She mad a really good point when he responded that it seems cold to have NC as she is his friend, etc. MC asked him if he has other friends, she can't be his only friend. If he needs to talk to someone other than me, he can talk to another friend! I agree and I think he may be seeing the light of day. However, I am still not sure.

It is so hard for me to "put my foot down" as you say. I know it is what I must do but it does not make it easy.

A quote from Dr. H in Cerri's sig line....

"Those who say they cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement are really saying what they want to do is more important than how you (their spouse) feels."
....Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

"When your spouse is trying to decide between you and the lover, it's time for Plan B."
...Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.

Think about it.

MTD

HB30

I know it is hard to put your foot down, I struggle with it as well. The issue I have is that it is taking longer than I expected it to.

I am pushing for confirmation of NC (actions and data to support her words), and am still trying to get WW to go to MC.

I am taking a calm and consistent approach, avoiding AO's, focusing on the goals above (instead of letting her AO's distract me) and resolving myself to achieve them.

Its the length of time that is tough to handle. I think about this most of the day everyday, and want to see progress everyday, which isn't always the case.

Here is my story:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003699;p=1#000008

WIO

WIO - I read your story and see that you are having similar issues with regards to NC. I am happy to report that this week my WH reported to me that he has decided that although he can not at this point change jobs, he is agreeing to have NC on a social level with the OW. I am very happy that he has made this decision without my having to go to plan B. I wish you much support and luck as you continue in your Plan A. Be strong and your children will thank you for it one day.

I think that he is in withdrawl now though. He has been very sad this week and little things that I say seem to upset him greatly. Sometimes it is like I no longer know this person. That being said, I can not imagine considering divorce and I am committed to my marriage. My WH however is saying things like "I will go to counseling with you, but you have to prepare yourself for the fact that this might not work out." Another thing he is fond of saying is that he "loves me" but is no longer "in love" with me. It comforts me to know that many WS's say these things but at the same time it is so hard to give love and support and meet his emotional needs when he seems unconcerned about meeting mine.

I know that for the sake of my marriage, I must be the "strong one", the one who takes the "high road" and the one who believes in us no matter how hard it gets but it is hard to do.

Also, I know that one of the reasons my WH had the EA was because I was failing to meet his need for communication. As a part of our recovery, I am focusing on that Emotional Need. However, how do I get him to realize that I have EN's as well, ones that were not being met previously and are still not being met. He wants to think that our marriage problems have all been a result of me, but he has to take his fair share of the blame as well!

Sorry for ranting a bit here, but I know it is better to do it here on this site than directly to my WH.

HB30

dday - 10/2/03
BW - 31
WH - 33
married for 2 1/2 years
no children

I am not handing the fact that 5 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair. This woman was just sex for him, then I found out around 2 years ago he had an affair with another woman, and this last a very long time and I read all the e-mails between them. They professed their love for each other. I am so depressed. I am unable to vent to these women and my husband will not tell me details as he does not want to break any confident (but yet he could tell them all about us). My thoughts all day are on these affairs. How could he be married to me and do this? How could he love someone that much and still claim to love me and want to stay married? I am just not handing this well. I am not suppose to talk about this with other people, but yet my husband does not handle it well when I talk to him about it (the guilt thing). How do I get past all of this?

t456.

Welcome to the forum. I hate to think your post will get lost here....consider posting your story and asking for help so more people can see it. Is the current affair still going on?

Where do I go from here, any advice would be helpful...

My WH and I have completed two MC sessions and he has told me that if I want to continue seeing a MC that is something he supports, however at this point in time he is not interested in continuing to see a counselor. He has agreed to NC but he is having a hard time committing towards working things out. He is committed towards still being in the relationship as he has not decided he wants "out". However, he is not 100% sure that the marriage can be saved and has told me he has serious doubts about whether we should have even gotten married in the first place. I am continuing to keep an upbeat, positive attitude, continuing to try to converse with him on a more regular basis and continuing to spend less time at work and more time at home. How do I deal with his negativity though?

Also, there is another subject deep within our problems, and that is the subject of children. About three weeks prior to my finding out about the EA, he told me that he had decided that he does not want to have children. This was a complete surprise and shock to me and was very hard emotionally for me to work through. Part of the reason he does not want children is because he thinks it will "fracture our marriage" and tear us apart. Obviously, at this point in time with the EA in the light, I realize that it is a very good thing we don't have children right now. But I did tell him that I was hoping that if we can work things out and become closer in our marriage, he might eventually think again about children. He was very concerned that I would say this and thinks I am living in a "fantasy world"? What does anyone else think? Again, any and all feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.