I'm sorry about the length of this message, but I really need some help on what to do....

I am a 29-year old man with a loving wife and brand-new son. This past Saturday night, I was disappointed to learn that my father (who had always been a dedicated family man) has been cheating on my mom through an online affair with a woman from Russia. My father had recently asked to use my computer while at my house to visit his grandson. A few days later, I found out about the affair because he had apparently e-mailed her from my computer... and she responded to my e-mail address! This was not just a friendly e-mail... my father frequently professed love for this woman, and apologized that he was unable to talk with her one time when she was chatting with him because his wife (my mom) was in the room.

I was naturally crushed. By way of background, my father has always been kind of a computer addict and, just a few months back, he up and announced that he was going to go on vacation to Moscow. (He had NEVER expressed an interest in Russia as long as I've known him.) As he's near the end of his career and a bit depressed at the thought of retiring, I supported his surprise announcement. He went and came back, apparently without incident.

I now learn that the woman he's been e-mailing with is Russian, and I am naturally suspicious about his reasons for going to Russia in the first place. Since he's come back, he's been in counseling (at my mom's request) for lingering depression issues. He has now said that he wants to go back to visit a different part of Russia in February....!

I told my brother the news, because I hoped to have his help in confronting my dad and getting him to tell mom and get marital counseling. As it turned out, my brother (non-confrontational) instead suggested that we simply forward her e-mail to Dad and see what his response is.

Dad responded that he was quite embarrassed and never meant for us to find out. He says it was never physical (despite some rather physical language in his e-mail to her), promises that "it's over," and said that he's working it out with his counselor. I happen to know that he was sent to his counselor for a different reason and, as much as I want to believe him, I don't think that I can. I also feel guilty about not telling mom, but Dad has begged me not to tell her.

I finally decided that I would feel better about it if I knew that his counselor knows about the affair. When I mentioned this to Dad, though, he was resistant and simply said that the counselor already knows. My (spineless) brother has now begged off, saying that I went too far in asking to talk to the counselor, and that he wants nothing more to do with this.

I can't stand the thought of telling Mom, and I think it would be better for their marriage if Dad were to tell her... but he isn't going to, and doesn't want me to talk to his counselor. So I basically don't have any assurances that he's trying to work through this issue...!

I really don't know what to do. Please help!

Hi Shafty,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you are here because of your dad's inappropriate actions. You are right on the mark and to back off like your brother did would be making you a conflict avoider. I am sure as painful as this is for you, you'd rather deal with it and get it over with instead of hiding from it.

That is the right course. So where is your dad at now?

You need to read the books" his needs/ her needs and surviving an affair both by Dr W. Harley.

You may be able to schedule a phone counseling session with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri.

Your dad sounds coniving and it may be wise to run stuff by the counselor. Let the counselor figure out on the delivery to your dad. Ask the counselor for your mom's benefit. How best to let her know and when.

Have you done a background check on Mz Russia? Make sure he isn't giving away your inheritance..... great scheme some have. Becareful. Your dad may not be trusted until he can prove he is back to normal.

All the more reason to make sure you mom knows and is properly supported.

Just my 2 cents.
L.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 02:03 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I don't think you'll be able to talk to the counselor without your Dad's blessing. Confidentiality policy.
Don't tell your Mom. It's between them. As much as it hurts you, it is for them to work out. All you can do is tell your father what you think and try your best to let it go.

Good luck.

Now that you know you must tell your mom. Your caught in the middle but you need to expose the affair so your parents have a chance. If your mother ever found out that you know and did not tell her, it is hard to tell what she would do. This affair will eventually come out and your mother will find out that you knew. The best thing to do is plan a meeting with both of your parents and then tell your dad to tell her or you will. YOU MUST TELL HER, its the only chance your parents marriage has.

My thought is simply this:

Your father will be absolutely enraged when you expose his affair.

Your mom will be extremely upset when you expose his affair.

And you will probably bear a large brunt of both of their emotional reactions.

Now, stepping away from the emotions and looking at the objective reality, I strongly support that you tell your mom.

First off, it's the only way she can make an informed choice about her marriage.

Secondly, it gives their marriage the BEST chance of survival.

I do very much agree with Orchid that getting some help from the Harleys or Cerri would be very wise before you proceed. You're stepping into your dad's nightmare, and things are going to be pretty darned weird for a while. Better to have a guide who's been there before and knows a path through.

Dear Abby recently had a story like this in her column, and, to my surprise, I completely agreed with her answer. Not only that, Harley agrees with her answer, if I understand him correctly.(!!!) Abby said: "Tell him that he must tell your mom within a week or you will, and then do it."

Shafty,

U do what U need to do. Your bro' has to live with his conscience and you with yours.

I would tell the IC via a private session with you and let them decide how they will handle it. That way you had a private session with the IC. It may cost you a few bucks but you have the right to tell an IC. The fact that it happens to be the same as the one your dad sees, oh well...... this is no more sneaky than what he did to your family. You are not asking for info but giving it.

How would you feel if you were in your mother's situation? Wouldn't you want those you trust to tell you even if it hurts? That is part of healing.

Now you probably should make sure your mom is in a safe place with support available as needed. Minister, doctor, MC/IC, good friend, sister, etc. On the other hand some prefer privacy but will still need to know that others care and are available. It depends a lot on one's personality.

Your mom may also already suspect. She may be hurt that one of her son's had to also be exposed to this pain and this may make her quite angry to your dad. This is to be expected. You can help her work through this.

Please read this and then give to your mom as needed: 5 stages of grieving

If you can also get the book: Surviving an Affair by Dr. W. Harley, it would be good for you and your mom to read.

Then when your dad's head is out of the fog, it w/b good for him also. There is another book: His Needs/Her Needs.... this may be better a bit later.

I hope it helps.

I agree with everyone else on contacting Steve, Jennifer or Cerri. You mom needs to be told. It would be better if it came from your dad. If he won't do it, unfortunately that puts you in a bad position and you will need to.

Once you read SAA, you will understand why exposing the A, is important. I read it, great book.

I also agree with talking to the counselor. It does not violate the confidentiality for you to inform the counselor of your discovery. The depression may have a relationship to the A. The counselor cannot tell you anything with regards to there sessions, he also cannot do his job effectively if he does not have all the information.

Boy I am definitley over-ruled here. I guess I give bad advice. I guess I would feel abd being a tattle-tale on my parent. I would want them to tell on themselves.... Best case scenario...

SW,

I understand your point and it is not a matter of being 'overruled'. These are our opinions. WE are not professionals, just had to deal with it in real life time.

In many cases when there are conflict avoider characters involved, the not telling is not helpful. In fact it could make it worse. Most WS are to some extent conflict avoiders.

JMHO,
L.