My wife an I are married 10 years and have three children 2,4,6. On a scale of one to ten I would have given our married and 8, not perfect but better then most around us. In July, she started coming home later and later from work, after questioning her about this several times, she admitted that she was having an affair with her boss. She has gone on to say that she loves me but is no longer "in love with me", actually we have gotten to the point where she now says that she is not sure if she ever loved me and that she just married me because she was affraid she would not get anyone else. I explained to her that I would be willing to work on the marriage and see if we could make things right again, she states she does not want to. She wants a divorce to she can be with this other guy who she has known for about 10 months and from what I can gather has been having a emotional affair with for about 6 months and a sexual relationship for about 2 months. She agreed to attend marriage counseling with me, but that did not last long. After the first time we went she told the counseler that her father "touched" her once when she was young (she never told anyone else) and all of the counseling now seems to be focusing on that and our marriage seems to be put on the back burner as she continues the affair with her married boss. She says that he has been unhappy in his marriage for some time and will be seeking a divorce from his wife so he can be with my wife (although he has not yet done so)...he is more then 12 years older then she. My wife is 36 the OM is 49. I cannot find a way to show my wife that our marriage is something worth working on for our sake and the sake of our children. Her standard reply is that she does not love me anymore. I cant get her to read a book so she can see that she is not the first one to feel this way, but it is possible that if we work on it we can have a stronger marriage then ever. I also conceed the fact that we may work on it and in the end it still may not work, but at least we tried everything possible before we call is quites. Also does anyone know of anyone who ever attending the "New Beginings Seminar" it is suppose to be for couples in crisis. I am willing to do anything to save this marriage, especially with the children invovled, although they do not know anything yet. We do not fight in front of them and truth be told, we have never really fought. This was not a marriage of fights and disrespect this was not a tense marriage. Any advise you have would be great.

h2003

Glad you found the site but sorry for the circumstances that prompted your search. If you have read any at all here you'll notice that the WS's (wayward spouse) response is right in line with what your wife told you. I love you, not in love.....I never loved you and the like.

Tell the OM's wife about the affair. You know of the affair and she NEEDS to know.

Do you still go to counseling with your wife even though the focus has shifted to her problems? Usually affairs are symptoms of a larger problem(s). If your wife was "touched" by her father then working through that, in the long run is probably for the best. Her boss is an older man and an authority figure...kinda like her father a bit. Depending on what kind of "touching" went on you might want to ask here about sexual abuse issues.

In my our case (wife and I) our church played a huge role in our recovery. That would be a really good place to turn for help.

God bless.

Yes we are still going to counseling, last night was the first time since July that we actually went together, it was helpful as we actually talked. Instead of getting the standard I just dont love you anymore answer, I was able to get some more detail. She said that she felt rejected by me and then she proceed to bring up things which occurred more then 5 years ago...I aksed if she could remember any happy times...it took her awhile and again it was something which took place more then 5 years ago. She also said that I was not intimate enough, I found this surprising as I am very touchy and always told her how much I loved her...she does not recall it this way. I am not saying i could not have done more the meet her EN, but so far she has not brought up anything that I would have predicted to be a marriage ender. She has also agreed to attend the New Begingins seminar in November, I dont know much about this seminar but I hope it is the right one for our situation.

help,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you're here...but happy to have you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My wife an I are married 10 years and have three children 2,4,6. On a scale of one to ten I would have given our married and 8, not perfect but better then most around us. In July, she started coming home later and later from work, after questioning her about this several times, she admitted that she was having an affair with her boss.

It's important for you to start looking at how your marriage became vulnerable to an affair. The opportunity presented itself, and your marriage was weakened enough for her to feel the need to do this. This man has undoubtedly filled many of her needs....so begin to examine what those might be, so that when you take the next steps, you are prepared to give her the things she needs.

She has gone on to say that she loves me but is no longer "in love with me", actually we have gotten to the point where she now says that she is not sure if she ever loved me and that she just married me because she was affraid she would not get anyone else.

Things things are horribly horribly hurtful...but please listen to what I am going to say and it will give you some comfort. These phrases about not being "in love" with you or "never loving" you are the stock phrases that EVERY single person having an affair says. I know they hurt....but they aren't true. When a spouse is infatuated with a lover, we describe it by saying they are "in the fog". While their brain is fogged....they say and do terribly mean and hurtful things....but when the fog clears after the affair is over....they are often very remorseful and sorry for these things. You must close your ears to this kind of talk. Don't believe it....it's not true.

I explained to her that I would be willing to work on the marriage and see if we could make things right again, she states she does not want to. She wants a divorce to she can be with this other guy who she has known for about 10 months and from what I can gather has been having a emotional affair with for about 6 months and a sexual relationship for about 2 months. She agreed to attend marriage counseling with me, but that did not last long. After the first time we went she told the counseler that her father "touched" her once when she was young (she never told anyone else) and all of the counseling now seems to be focusing on that and our marriage seems to be put on the back burner as she continues the affair with her married boss.

I hate to knock traditional counseling....but this is one of the huge pitfalls of your run of the mill MC counselor. It is a travesty. I would suggest you try the Harleys or cerri instead if you want a proactive counselor who will help you rebuild the marriage. If you go to cerri's site www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com there is a great article about the dangers of bad counselors and how to pick a good one.

She says that he has been unhappy in his marriage for some time and will be seeking a divorce from his wife so he can be with my wife (although he has not yet done so)...he is more then 12 years older then she. My wife is 36 the OM is 49.

Again....fog talk. And the sad part is that if they succeed they will destroy 2 marriages and affect the lives of all these innocent children for their selfishness. So let's talk about ways you can help end this affair, and keep your marriage together.

Today....you need to go out and buy a copy of "Surviving An Affair".....it has the best and most comprehensive guidance for understanding, ending and surviving this ordeal. It will help you immmensely and will talk in detail about the the suggestions I am about to make to you about how to proceed.

Before marriage building can begin, the affair must end. Dr.H has two strategies for ending an affair (both outlined more extensively in the book and on the home site...read!) Plan A and Plan B.

You are going to begin by doing a Plan A. Plan A is to show the spouse that the marriage is an attractive alternative to the affair. To accomplish that....you will fill the needs your spouse will allow you to (and she won't allow much) and STOP all LOVE BUSTERS which include disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, annoying behavior, independent behavior and dishonesty.

The second part of Plan A....is confrontation. Not angry confrontation....in this sense we mean that you confront your wife with your feelings about the affair. She needs to understand how her actions are affecting you and the children, without attacking her personally. Make statements that include "I"....that are about you.

The third part of Plan A....and this is the part where most people completely drop the ball...is "exposure". Affairs need secrecy to grow....when they are exposed to the light of day...it introduces conflict into the affair. It is one of the most important things you can do to really end the affair...but it's painful and the spouses intial reaction is anger at having their fantasy world shattered. Have you spoken to this man's wife? That is the first thing you will need to do to end this affair. Chances are, he has no intention of leaving his wife....but your wife is living in a dream world. If his wife knows....her efforts can help you by waking up his family. Exposure extends to letting the people in your lives...close friends and family know about the affair and your commitment to continuing the marriage. Ask them if possible to help you convince your wife to do the right thing for all concerned. It would also extend to her boss's boss. This sort of thing is frowned upon in the corporate world. Unless he owns the company....both of their jobs would be in danger and company would be open to law suits as a result of their bad decisions. If all of this sounds difficult....it is. But it works.

So to recap:

Read info on the site
Buy Surviving an Affair
Stop all love busters
Fill needs your spouse will allow
Confront your wife with your feelings about the affair
Expose the affair to the man's wife, friends, family and coworkers
GET A NEW COUNSELOR preferably one trained in these techniques

Good Luck....My thoughts are with you.

Thanks you for your advise.
I will definetly buy the book today at lunch. Do you have any advise on how to find a good counslor...I have felt from the start that the one we chose may have been a mistake. When I confronted the OM, she said that he had told his wife all about the A with my wife and told her that he was leaving her. I do know that they are also in counseling as we go to the same building and I have actually bupped into him when I went for my appointment (different counslers). I have been doing my bust not avoid the LB and I think I am doing a pretty good job. I get real scared because to talk to my wife she wants the divorce tomorrow. She has already said that she will go to the seminar in Nov. but after that she does not want to try anything else. I am starting to feel like I am runnning out of time.

That link I gave you....has some really good information about finding a counselor. I'd recommend cerri or the Harleys....but if you want an office setting....there's some good guidelines to follow from her site. Even if the man supposedly told his wife....I wouldn't assume that. Make contact with her anyway and make sure. Does this guy have a boss? That would be my next contact....to send a letter to him exposing this affair. Because realistically....it's going to be next to impossible to end an affair when these two people are at work together every day. Initially, your wife will be madder than a wet hen about it....especially if they lose their jobs...but the future of both of these families depends on separating them from eachother.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I realize the need to seperate them, unfortunately he owns the restauant where my wife work. She works there 3-4 nights a week, she continues to come home very late. I am going to contact his wife to speak with her.
I will look into to counselors you mention. I am in the middle of reading Dr. Hartleys book as it is one of the prerequistes for the seminar we are attending. Do you feel that telephone counseling is effective (at tis point I think any counseling is better that what we are receiving)

I found the telephone counseling very effective, and with cerri you can also exchange emails too. You're right....it can't be much worse than going to a counselor that isn't interested in dealing with the affair.

I'm sorry, but can you clearify something, is cerri's the name of the site or of a person?

Thanks

Yes it is. Her name is cerri here on the board....but the site has her real name.

Cerri's real name is Penny R Tupy and her counseling website is www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com .

I need some more advise.
For the past six years my wife, myself and the kids have gone up to my brothers cabin for the Columbus day weekend, as we had planned on doing this year. The other day my wife said that she does not want to go. I was thinking that I would go up by myself or with my 4 y/o son, but now I am not sure that is such a good idea. Honestly I could use a little break but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. Should I stay at home and be with my wife or should I give her and I a little space. If I do go she will be at home with our two other children so it is not like she will be alone a free to have time with the OM...Please share your thoughs

help,

I want to give you a reminder that this board is not a substitute for counseling. We're amateurs, so I encourage you to work with the pros as well. As far as this trip goes....make your decision based on what you believe will make your spouse the happiest. If she needs space....give it to her. If you think you could deposit some love units by being home...then stay home. It depends on her state of mind.

Thanks Star

We are going to couseling, but as far as a "pro" goes, It this I will be taking your advise and contacting cerri of the Harleys. Today I will speak to her again about the trip this weekend, I would really like it if she would change her mind and we could go as a family...but I will not push her.

yeah pushing is definitely a love buster....so look closely at how you can earn the most points during your Plan A. If being together is going to drain the love bank....then maybe a little breather will help things. You'll be the best judge of that. Make it look fun and maybe she'll want to go.

Well I just spoke with her on the phone, I was upbeat and asked her if she wanted to go away. The answer was a very quick no, she went on to say that her feeling have not changed. She does not love me. I told her I already knew that but asked her to please try to have an open mind. She said that there is no way she was going to fall out of love with the OM and fall back in love with me. She said she can't fall in love with someone she does not love. I again asked her to please try to have an open mind to working on the marriage. I told her that she believe that we are the only couple going through this and that she is the only women who does not love their husband. I told her about this site and all of the books I have read and that our situation if very common, and with a little help it can be overcome. I asked if she had read any of the books I bought, and she replied that she has not interest in reading any of the books I bought as they all deal with helping a realationship...and she has no disire to work on ours. She is reading the road less taveled as it was recommended by a fried of hers. I have never read this book and can only hope it will be some help to her and our relationship. I dont know if she would be willing to telephone conseleing with cerri of the Harley. I dont want to push it to much as she has agree to go to the new beginings seminar in Novemeber and I am affraid that if I push to much that she will back out of that.
One more thing, I have a male friend of my who I know went through a similar thing in his marriage, except he was the one having the affair. I went to him to try to get a idea of what you are thinking when you are on the other side. He confirmed that he was going through life with blinders on and dismissing anything that anyone told you which went against the affair. He said that he would stop by and talk to my wife and basically explain what he went through up until the point he ended the A and returned home to his family. does anyone have an opinion on whether this might me a good thing or if this would only hurt more?
Thanks again

dear help, sorry for your plight.

here's a few thoughts.

while many will advise seeking relationship answeres as to reasons for your W affair, (and this is of course a very good thing), be very sure to understand, that YOU have NO responsability for the affair itself. that responsability is reserved for your W and her alone.

on the same subject, in anyalizing the situation many a BS will suddenly amplifie and focus any error made at any time and point, as the cause for the relationship break up. please understand that these things very really happen because of one or two instances of neglect or anything else. so don't get yourself to in a state where you're do mia copas for every cross word you ever spoke. give yourself a brake! this didn't happen because you're a bad person.

last, i find it interesting that your W actually believes that the OM is going to leave his W and family to marry her. talk about a fairy tail!

DO speak to the OM's W right away! let her know what your W's expectations are and let her help deal with them. i don't think the OM wants to have his ex-W as a partner in his restaurant do you?! LOL and that your W thinks he might puts her in the *foggy groggy class* of A with a Star!

coach

She actually believes that the affair has nothing to do with wanting to leave me...So I asked her that if OM was not in the picture and she came to me and told me she was unhappy, did she think she would be more willing to work on the marriage...her answer...No..because I would have never told you I was unhappy. I still dont get this...if she was not happy why not let me know? I aksed her to think about what is going to happen if this OM, (sc*mbag) is to leave her in six months what would happen then, he said their is no way that would ever happen, I said hey look at us. This OM has been married for 25+ years has children in their 20's and supposedly has never had an affair before. He even told my wife that he does not believe two people are ment to be together forever. I cant believe how blind she is.

Help, I know how you feel wanting to tell you WW all the bad things about OM, doesn't work, The OW was my best friend so I had a little insight I would say she's after your money and he knew this was true but he justified and still does that HN/HN says its o.k. for a woman to want financial security. I knew dirt on her and he could care less. You can't win.

If your male friend who had an affair is willing to talk to your wife I think its a good thing. When we first began this roller coaster I remembered in the back of my head a woman who at a mom's group one time spoke about her affair and how she and her husband rebuilt their marriage. I tracked her down and she has been our greatest source of wisdom. My WS would meet with her and her husband and she knew what he was going through. He identified with her so much As you can see from this board the feelings are so similiar for so many. My WS still trusts her opinion even when she tells him to grow up and jump in feet first.

km4
me 39
wh 44
married 17 years
2 boys 4 and 11
ow was my best friend

Thanks for your thoughs, I guess having him talk to her can only help...God at this point anything that could help penitrate this wall she has put up. I never knew a person, especially my wife could be so completly closed minded. I am going to see if she will do some telephone counseling with the Harleys also. We do go the private counseling but I think the counseler is horrible. We have been over evertime i farted in the relationship and somehow the affair is turning into my fault (I am aware that I was not the perfect husband....But so far nothing major has been brought up about how I rejected her) We are attending a seminar in Nov. for marriages in crisis...she has told me that the seminar is the last thing she will do. What is the opinion on getting her family invovled, they do know about the affair but do not seem to be getting to invovled, they just say they are their to support her in her decision....you would hope that they are telling her that she need to work on her marriage...I think at this point they are affraid of her turning on them to. This has been the longest 3 months of my life...who would ever have though that something could be so self consuming...I hope I can break through the wall in time.