<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Holy Sh*t!!! Is this what recovery is going to start out like...??? This just seems to be getting harder and harder as we progress thru the stages. I'm in plan B for the 4th day now and it has been getting harder every step we take so far. This looks like par for the course. Makes finding out look like a walk in the park.

Good Luck! Take care.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

mr. M...i posted to you yesterday and what i wrote you then is more true to day then it was then.
coach

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

M- don't you see what happend when you tried to help?! just shut up!

look i've found out over the years that no one ever went to wrong just keeping their mouth shut!

mean are natural fixers. so you want to fix this for her and for you while all she probably wants you to do at this point is listen. she's no dope. she understands what she did.

so just be there to listen. be non comittal in your response,...say inane things, use cliches to respond...aknowledge the things she says that are true (as far as your concerned) but don't fight over your differnces. just don't! then let her stew! make no demands at this time and DON'T SHOW ANY TEMPER! initiate NO relationship talk!

man she is looking for any way possible to make this thing your fault. she needs to blaim it all on you cause she can't handle the weight...so don't give her anything...let her come to terms with who and what she is and what she's done on her own.

believe me, she will be harder on herself then you will ever be on her.

time...just give it time.

coach

I agree with coach on most thing but not on how to communicate. Most affairs start how.... communication. Someone listens to our spouse when we have learned to tune them out.

Just listen to your wife and not try to fix her. Just listen. When it is your time to respond, don't say little clinches. This will make her wonder if you are even listening. Your responses should be quick summary of the feelings she just told you about. This will let her know you are understanding what she is saying. Your answers should be, So your feeling like ____ because of ____; or, when this ____ happened it made you feel like _____. When she sees that you understand what she is saying, she will open up even more.

A-Mess,

Let's see you are not happy with the woman sitting before you, right? Not just because of her affair but because of the way she treats you and has apparently treated you before.

So here's the deal as I see it. Don't fix her problems, let her talk, be supportive, Plan A.

BUT, the part that is missing is that you CAN and SHOULD set boundaries in plan A, and I think that boundaries in your case means that she speak with you in a respectful tone. You can explain to her in a very non_LB (but she will probably think it is anyway) that you do not and have not like how she has spoken to you, and that unless she can change that, there is little chance of recovering from what she has done.

Her call, her choice, but you expect to be addressed in a respectful manner. If she won't consider that, then my friend you have to ask yourself if you really want to be married to a disrespectful cheater. It is you choice and your call.

Plan A is about many things, but it is also about boundaries, respectfully stated and presented.

If you accept her back and she continues her current treatment of you, then I suspect the marriage will end anyway right??

Please think about this. Boundaries are good, and the spouse should KNOW what they are. You have not expressed yours and you need to before recovery has a chance.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Boy, I sure can relate to what you just said. I think it makes it all easier for me if I try hard to just hate her, to focus on what she has done to me. But that doesn't last, and I eventually get back to where I started. But I feel like a huge sap - she has an affair and wants a divorce, and here I am wantig her back. Geez.

I can't deny it, though, I still love her. I am going to work on plan A.

BTW, I certainly don't know what the heck I'm talking about. You should get the help of a pro.

AM I just wanted to add that if you are going to emotionally survive the emotional rollercoaster then you will to have to emotionally detach from her. Emotional detachment(ED) will get you off the emotional rollercoaster by giving you control of your negative emotions like fear, anger and despair which can sabotage all of your well thought out and hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage. ED will make it possible for you to exercise the patience and perseverance which are necessary elements to save your marriage. How do you emotionally detach? By conquering your fear of ending your marriage and not getting your hopes up by relying on her words alone (the old saying 'actions speak louder than words' very much applies here). What you are actually detaching from is fear, anger and despair NOT love.

One last thing, affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.

Good luck and keep us posted.