<P> I have been doing some serious thinking today about the future, past.......<P> He told me today that he just does not know if he wants to be with me or not. H says he will never leave me, it is just from time to time he wonders if he is even happy. Also tells me I should be without him blah blah blah.<BR> For awhile now I have felt as though he was really trying to get rid of me, but because he threw us out in july he wanted me to leave this time. Well more and more I believe this to be true with his words and actions.<P> I am really tired of kissing his a** 24/7 and getting nothing. I have put all my feelings of hurt and betrayal up on this super high shelf. But how much longer can they stay there before it all comes tumbling down around me. And the way he shows no feeling for me he sure as H*** won't be there to do anything but yell at me.<P> I am trying to save this marriage all alone with no help at all, and I am the betrayed that just does not seem right. Trying to save it for the kids for God for our families, what about me. <P> I honestly never knew I possessed the kind of strength that has brought me this far, but here I am. I honestly do believe there is not much of me left though. I look in the mirror and I do not even know who I am. I feel unloved on a regular basis, but have to spew unconditional love to the one who has hurt me so much. How is this right?<BR> <BR> I have so many fears. Like I am a stay at home mom, so what will I do to raise my kids?<BR>I have never had anything, but a few part time jobs. How will I just leave the babies with stangers ( I know allot do it but I never have so it scares me) How will I explain when they are crying that daddy is not here because mommy divorced him. HOW HOW HOW? They love their Daddy so much, that is one thing everyone sees the relationship between him and his kids is excellant! <BR> <BR> I don't even drink but feel as though I could. I have 2 weeks to make a decision that will affect so many people's lives. I wish I had the nature, endurance , & faith that most of you have, but I just feel as though I have been run into the ground so many times that I am eating with the worms. (lol little bit of humor.) <P> So I guess who ever is reading this will see by now that divorce is what I have been thinking of all day, Heck for the last 3 months. I just ask that you send a few prayers up for me, I really could use them. Thank you all.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Wish I could make it better for you...<P>But you are in my prayers.<P>Lori

Do you ever feel like well, for me, my H makes me feel like this is all my fault. In reality I know I didn't do any thing wrong. My H states it is all up to me wheather I keep this family together or not. Wait a minute!!! youre the one who scr@@d up. I personally think it is a selfish Sh#@@y way to make us feel this way. Then again I sometimes think its my mind playing games with me. <P>I really don't have any advise but I think your a very strong couragous person and I don't even know you. You have to admit, what we are going through is the most painful gutrenching thing. And for us to try to hang on when our lives,hopes and dreams seem to be flushed down the toilet is the most bravest thing in the world.<P>I wish I knew what the future held for us but then again we would know what was to come before this all happend.<P>Thanks for your response also<BR>Christine<BR>

SecretuvmyStrength:<P>Your story is pretty similar to mine, other than my W was the betrayer. She also put very little effort in making things right. she went as far as to tell me she was not sorry for what happened. She also told me that she was not going to work at it, It would have to come back byt its self. This made me feel even worse. Now looking back, and if I were to have it to do over. I would have separated immediately. I would not have jumped to the occassion to get right back to tegether. I feel that since we never did this my wife was used to treating me like she was "king of the bunker hill". Any kind of effort on her behalf would have yielded a weal mind. Hence, she would no longer be King of the bunker hill. This has been going on for almost 5 years for which I'm not happy about. There is so much pain. My wife even pays so much attention to other men in my presence. I have become such an enabler. Wishing that I had done it differently. Not to say that we would have separated forever. I feel that my wife would have decided she could not treat me as such if we would have separated. <P>Good luck.<BR>(READ MY STORY)<BR>(married for 24 years now)

Thank you Lostva you are also in my prayers!!<P>Camjon,<BR>Yes you are describing my H. He says all the time it is up to me wether or not we stay together. When he came to me and begged my forgiveness he vowed to fight for me forever because he loved me so much. Now I can leave and it is my decision. BIG CHANGE. <P>And he also makes me feel like this is my fault. I told my M tonight that I feel as though I went out and slept w/100 men. That is the way any outsider would think if they saw how I was treated and how he was treated.<P> NOFOOL:<BR>Do you really think it would have made a difference had you left. I feel as though everything my h says is temporary and fading. (fast) I think if I leave for 3 yrs I would be back no more than a month and it would be same ol same ol.<BR> <BR> I do feel like an enabler too, like it was so easy for him to go out and find some little W______ and then come home me forgive and kiss his a**. <BR> It is like no matter how you cut it no one wins.

SecretuvmyStrength;<P>I hear you and am going to pray for you. Believe me I and all of us understand. This whole thing is S@$&Y. I am in the same situation you are. A stay at home mom and only had part time work here and there over the years. <P>I have thought of divorce too but what in the samh@ll would I do to support me and my D? <BR>I refuse to live with my parents. Love them alot but please............<P>I don't want a divorce but it is getting harder to take being the one to hold it all together while he virtually does nothing. Oh, sure once in a while he pacifies me with sweetness. That lasts about 5 minutes. But don't talk about what is bother you dear, that is too much for me,kinda thing gets to be more than I think my heart and head can stand. Too much for HIM. HE started this when he F&#&#D someone else. I seem to be using a lot of profanity don't I. Sorry.<P>I will be praying for you as well as myself.<BR>Maybe we could think of a good business to go into together and leave the F&*#Heads eating our dirt while we make smoke trails to the bank depositing our great fortunes. Maybe write a book on Infidelity ourselves.

I know!<P>Chicken Soup for the Betrayed Soul<P> OR<P>Chicken Soup for the Broken Souls of<BR> Infidelity<P><BR>Yeah, I'm feeling weird and crazy tonight.

Devistated2<BR> Well you sure did get me to laugh that is a big leap. <BR> I am totally with you on your idea, where are you? maybe we can meet in the middle.<BR>How old is your D?<P> It is funny I always thought my H was one of a kind but when it comes to the Bull**** these men are feading us they seem to be one in the same. Funny thought hUH? Maybe they had an extra class that we missed. How to turn your wrongs into your spouses???? <P>I would love to talk to you more you can email me privatly at<BR>annalynn@mail.com

SecretuvmyStrenghth;<P>I know ONE class they should have taken:<BR>How to be HONEST!!!<P>Glad I made you laugh. I will e-mail you.<P>Start thinking of Chapter Titles.<P>BTW my daughter is Sweet Sixteen.

Where is my head? I know where my H's is,<BR>anyway........<P>You can e-mail me at my private address also<BR>it is: angelheart43@hotmail.com

I like to think where it used to be. Lets hope their brains are functioning somewhat these days

S, You have reason to be resentful and questioning where you are going next. My h did the same in the beginning- his mental state would sway back and forth. Our counselor helped a little, but I finally got strong and told him I would not put up with his S$#!. I told him if he wanted to stay with "us" then he needed to show it- not just be the "good talker". <P>Oh, they all think they can figure themselves out...they got themselves their in the first place didn't they?(sarcastic) I told him to take off the thinking cap and start doing his homework...read the material, the books, really open up with the counselor. (have you read any books? they really do relate and help!)<P>But, I had to remain consistent with my mental attitude too. I do faulter at times..sometimes he knows- sometimes not. But, as our counselor told me...Actions speak louder than words.<P>So stop being the one who does all the work. When you accept an apology from your kids...do they have to explain to you what they did wrong and how they will fix it/ won't do it again? <P>If your husband won't be accountable for his actions...then you have a decision to make. What you will and won't put up with. Tell your h in a non-threatening way what you want. If h doesn't respond...you did your best. <P>Why do you only have 2 wks? And stop eat'n dirt! ( I do have a really good recipe for pudding dirt )

Thank you S.<BR>No I am ashamed to say I have not read any books. Would like to just have not. <BR>What you said does make allot of sense. Thank you<P> Well It is for sure we are going and he has been so good for 4 days . WOOOWEEEE how long can this go on. FOREVER PLEASE.<BR>I am still very nervous about going but I am doing it, and a bit excited. We leave in a week and I have not done a thing so if I am not on here much you guys will know it is not cause I have forgotten MB. I WILL BE BACK!!!. <P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>