Help please I have been cheating and my husband just found out. He left! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

you and I are in the same boat...only my husband didn't leave. I don't know what to say to him though. is this the first time you have cheated? or the first time you got caught?
how long have you been married?

Nikol,

I don't think you wanted to start a survey. The next time you start a subject just click new subject OK?

I though I would answer you both at the same time.

Here are some steps that may help you both. First do a lot of reading of the articles on this site. There is a huge amount of information. Next go get two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, both by Harley and read them.

Why am I recommending this? The major thing you need to figure out and counseling with a GOOD counselor (meaning pro marriage) is why you have had the affairs. Step one no if's/and's or but's. You need to start to figure this out.

The articles on this site may help you see things more clearly. I recommended His Needs... because you need to understand yourself and ultimately your H better. Now here is the rub. It is likely that you are going to find out that your H's have not been meeting your major needs or at least not as you would like. You will be tempted to blame your A on him. Wrong!

The meeting of needs or not sets the tone of the marriage. It does NOT have anything to do with either of you breaking your marriage vows. Those were your choices and only your choices. HNHN is not about blaming people but building or rebuilding a better marriage and since you both express that you want to have your marriage continue that is KEY for you to address.

Reading Surviving an Affair has a different purpose you will see in there the anotomy of different affairs and you will hopefully begin to see what was going on with you and your affairs. This book will be of use to your H's when recovery starts.

One final and important piece of advice. Cease ALL contact with the OM (other man/men). That means voice, email, in person, letters, whatever. STOP. If you two can get your H's to stay and work on the marriage, then a No Contact letter needs to be sent, but your H should see it and approve it before it is sent.

You have a long way to go to recover your marriages, if that is what you have decided, but it can be done. I realize that you have no idea of the damage you have done, but it will become apparent. I would strongly urge you to read the posts on the this site. I believe it will open your eyes to the other side of this situation.

I do hope what I have said is of some help.

God Bless,

JL

Hello repeat offender, I guess I shoulda picked the same name. I have several affairs and I am ashamed and don't know why I do this. I love my family but am not thinking of any consequences when I have the affairs. I have hit the bottom. I don't know where my husband is and don't know when or if he will come back. I am supposed to be feeding the kids dinner now but can't. Told them to eat waffles...I feel awful and now suck as a Mom also:(

I am very scared, I think my husband will do something to hurt himself. I don't know where he is and I sit here alone with my kids downstairs and oblivious. What do I tell the kids? Do I tell them? Should I try calling my H, he wont answer cuz he knows its me.

nikol im sad for you and your husband because a marriage is a bond between two people that is filled with love and trust...once these things are broken its very hard to get back....your husband is going thru alot of feelings right now like why am i not good enough did she enjoy sex with the other man more...this is a very heart breaking thing to find out...you say that you are a repeat offender...well....now you really need to find out why you do this...are you not happy with your husband? do you find something in these other men that fufills you...(i dont think so) maybe temporarily ...do you really want to be with him or are you trying to sabotage this relationship....nikol decide if you want to try to save this relationship and if you do you need to only have one person whom you share all of your love and intamacy...your husband...in the meantime if he does come home he is going to go thru alot and time will heal....just answer his questions with tact and sympathy for his feelings consider counciling for yourself to find out why you seek these sexual encounters

Nikol,
This is not about your kids...dont' beat yourself up about that. My kids are 4 and 2 and I am keeping them sheltered from anything at this point. My husband is not home either. I'm not sure where he is right now but, I know he will come home tonight. I hope. This is about you..and its about me ultimately. I really appreciated what just learning said, we need to figure out why we are doing this and what we are getting from it. I would love to chat with you more about this cuz I feel like the biggest ***** on the planet and I feel like a failure and alone.
am I close? is that what you're feeling?

ms. N,
have you called friends and relatives to find out if he's been there or is there? if you're really afraid that he may harm himself then you have to call the police.

how to get him back? get yourself into therapy for a start! it sounds like you're a serial cheater and let's be serious...this is something that even for the most loving and self confident spouse, would find devistating.

in my opinion the first step toward reconciliation is a heart felt apology and promise to deal with your problem.

good luck and hope your H is OK.

coach

I just read your reply to my message. thanks. I am lucky to have found someone going through exactly the same thing as me today! I feel sick

speaking for myself...and Nikol I guess. Do you mean one on one therapy? and where do I find that? or do you mean couples/marriage counselling?

Thank you so much everyone for all of your advice. Coach I know he is not with any relatives or friends because we dont have any here. I keep trying his cell phone but no answer, call the police, I wouldnt know what to tell them. I have no clue where he might be. He is very mad right now and hates me terribly. I can't say I blame him very much. I plan tomorrow to shop around for a therapist. Its hard because we are new to the Va beach area and dont know much of anything. I know I need help. I miss him and I too feel sick. Thanks everyone!

thank you Nikol for making me feel a little less alone. I hope he is ok and you figure out what you want.

Repeat,

Well, since you have done this more than once, perhaps there is something in your background that explains your inability to be faithful. Frankly, women who were molested as children or teenagers often "act out" by having affairs, and hurting the ones that love them.

A good individual counselor can identify those type of issues and address them.

A good marriage counselor may be able to help your H to deal with what has happened to the marriage, help you learn to deal with your marriage.

I will warn you though that IC's often are going to suggest for you to do what feels good to you, and that may not be good for marriages. Also, many MC's also sort of have that approach. You need an MC that is dedicated to saving and rebuilding marriages.

So look carefully. Mulitple affairs are NOT a good sign.

Could you and Nikol provide some more information.

Such as:

How long you have been married?

How many children you have and their ages?

How long the affairs have lasted?

Such information makes a huge difference in the advice you will receive here. Why? because age, children, etc, determine where you are in the evolution of your marriage.

Look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

Just learning,
I am 28 and to my knowledge I was not molested as a child. I have cheated on every boyfriend I ever had and now seem to be in the same pattern with my husband. I love him so much. I hate hurting him. We will be married 5 years in january and have 2 children ages 4 and 2. The first affair lasted about a year and the second about the same. I met the OM before my daughter was born but, we lost contact and then connected again and have been having an affair ever since. Please help!

nikol:

If he won't answer, try leaving him a voice mail message. Tell him you love him and you want 2 get help 2 find out why you behave in this way. Promise that you will have NO more contact with the other man for any reason whatsoever, until you and your husband send him a co-written letter.

If he's really mad, that might be a good sign because he'll focus on the anger for now, and perhaps won't be suicidal. After I found out about my wife's affair, I learned there is an important difference between having suicidal thoughts and suicidal tendencies. You need help to find out which your husband is feeling 2 be certain he's safe, but it does sound like at most he'd have thoughts of suicide and be less likely 2 follow through. But GET HELP from someone in your area. Don't rely on what I've said here. Life is 2 important.

Both you and repeat should consider getting counseling from one of the Harleys (either Jenn or Steve). They do phone-in counseling. I've had about 4 counselors, and Steve Harley was by far the best of the 4. Check the home page of Marriage Builders for the phone number 2 call.

You CAN get through this. You WILL become a better person if you put the hard work in2 ending the affairs and beginning a recovery plan. The thing you both need more than anything is 2 become emotionally healthy individuals. When you can truly love yourselves, you can love those around you and they'll be able 2 love you in re2rn. EVEN after being betrayed by your affairs.

All my best regards,
-2long

Repeat,

Is the affair over?? If not, you had better end it, NOW. Next, you don't have to be molested to have serious personal issues and it sounds as if you do. However, I think the first thing you need to do, is show your H your are serious about changing and fixing what is wrong, and the first step is figuring out what is wrong.

If you have cheated on everyone of your BF's, and your H, then the suspicion is that is not about what he does or doesn't do, but about you. I am guessing that there have never been any real consequences other than you ended the relationship to your BF. Your H forgave you the first time.

I fear you are about to learn that there are consequences, and the consequences are that your children will be hurt (divorce is very bad on children), your H is devastated AGAIN, and you will find out that you are hurt. As you get older, the consequences get bigger, and you eventually develop enough maturity to deeply regret hurting those you love.

I am sure you really haven't in the past.

So I do think the order of business is to address why you are doing this, and hopefully with your H's help (if he decides to stay) you can rebuild this marriage and develop yourself.

It will be a very tough road, Repeat, it really will. You have no idea apparently as to what you have done to the men in your life, and I am afraid you are about to learn the hard way. I hope not, but I fear that you will. But, now two innocent children will be hurt as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So do some serious thinking, praying would be an excellent idea, and see if you can find a counselor there. I will say that the Harley's are excellent counselors and that can be done via the phone.

Give it some thought.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
I have no recollection of being molested as a
child either. I was married before for 1 year and he physically abused me, but I was smart and left him. I have cheated on my H 7 times. I think the answer lies in some stupid sexual encounters we had. He encouraged me to try some
3somes and I did for him. I think since then the affairs began and I didn't feel like the marriage was the same.

Nikol,

AS I said to Repeat, the molestation point was to illustrate that past events can strongly influence how everyone reacts to life. You may be right, but I sense that you knew all of the time that what you were doing was wrong and would hurt your H, sooo....

What are you going to do?? I think do some reading on this site and see if you can get some counseling. I am guessing, but I think you might be a military family. If so, there may be some counseling available on base. I will warn you that getting good counseling is worth every penny, while bad counseling can simply ruin everything.

So do some homework, find a counselor for yourself if for no one else.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
You are right. There were no consequences. The affair has been ended, don't worry. I took care of it. I know that the problem is with me. I know that it is nothing he is doing because I have done it before. The funny thing is that I find I am regretting hurting my previous BF lately. I feel I didn't work at the relationships, I just sabotaged them. I don't even like these other guys. I like them liking me. I get a high off them wanting me. I think. i agree I need a counsellor. I will discuss that with him when he comes home tonight. maybe I should see one myself first. The very last thing I want to do is hurt my children

Jl,
You are right we are military. I would never go to a military counselor because I no there is no privacy. In spite of all the documentation there is no privacy. I cannot risk this for my H sake. I will pay and have no prob doing that. I just have to do some research. Want to know the funniest thing, I work with Psycotherapists all day long. I am not sure if I trust any of them enough to get a referral. I fear my job would be in jeopardy. I have no strength for dealing with the patients tomorrow.
I have ended all contacts with all past affairs but there is something that makes is easy for me to get involved again. Help!