<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Take it !

I don't know the numbers but many, many here use the same kind of help.

The doc knows what she is talking about, don't be afraid to use all the tools you can get to help you, I mean, if you had an infection, you would use antibiotics, so why not this?

SS

M,
stop carrying on and just take the meds. i mean really,...these products are a miracle of science! LOL seriously though...how many people have lived their lives suffering from serious depression and didn't need to; with this kind of help available?

how's it going with your W? she behaving? did you have yourself checked outr for STDs while youwere with the MD? might be a good idea.

coach

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Well, if you want to tell her than go ahead. Marriage Builders encourage bringing the affair to light to family and friends. You could tell her the truth about the affair, or confirm that "yes we are having problems, but I'm not comfortable talking about the details right now. Thanks for your concern." Or, tell her that she'll need to talk with her sister about it, that you're not comfortable talking about it.

By the way I have been on Paxil before. Yes, it takes two to four weeks to fully kick in. Although Paxil is an antidepressant, it has also been shown to help control anxiety for some. Sounds like you and the doctor made a good choice. Take care! Let us know how you're doing.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: lilymarie ]</small>

M good buddy,
when i began taking the meds it did take a while for them to kick in..but when they did! yow...the world certainly turned into a rosey place...my problem was that my WW wasn't there to wipe the drool off my chin! hehehe

the thing is however, they worked and made living a *normal* life possible again; i could function, (function being defined as sleeping, eating being on time etc.)

so if your W is so remorsefull and so guilt ridden, where is she shacking up these days? M my friend things are not adding up. so here i go again, butting in...

1. tell everybody everything. names, dates places. her sister, your sister, her parents, your parents, the OM's parents....EVERONE who will listen! honestly...i almost took an ad out in the newspaper! SERIOUSLY! (but then again,i'm a little crazy).

2. you have to seriously disconnect from this mess. emotionally that is. you have no control, zip, zero, nada, over anything that she intends to do. but you can control you! how you react, behave and feel.

my firend...it's time to stop letting her control you as well as herself. so while you must continue to be civil, kind and thoughtful...it doesn't mean you have to act simple stupid!

3. right now she's putting out physco babble foggy talk. "i'm so guilt ridden," "how can I ever face you again," "i don't deserve you," "you deserve better!" and all the rest of the bull sh#t they come up with! if it were me, i would simply tell her that you know BS when you here it and to please stop talking it.

tell her that you respectfull request that she start being honest about who she is, what she wants, what she's doing, who she's doing, and when she's doing it. explain your problem with how she's behaving and ask that she come home now and face this situation together with you...as a team!

4. how you express this whole thing is almost as important as doing it. NO ANGER! NO NAME CALLING! NO ULTIMATUMS! just quiet calm and assertive conversation. then go dark! take no phone calls and be unavailable to her.

5. man stop being so there for to her to make excuses to! when you do speak with her you need to be loving, supportive and kind...otherwise, let her begin to wonder if the gravey train is about to pass her by. the lady needs a wake up call and it's time for you to send the message.

theres lots more that you can do...things that will take your mind of this horror and let you begin to live again but nothing will work as long as you allow her to control how you feel and how you act.

coach

a_mess, I, too, have been taking Paxil. I started taking it about 3 weeks ago. I took 10 mg for about 2 weeks, and the last week have been taking 20 mgs. It did take about a week to kick in, but I can eat (yeah, I lost 25 pounds in less than a month and I started off at 129), I can sleep relatively well and my mind does "shut off" about the situation I am in SOMETIMES. Before I thought about it WHATEVER I was doing. If I was talking to our children, I was still thinking about my Hs A, I thought about it constantly!

In addition to the meds, prayer has been a constant for me. I feel that some of my prayers are being answered. My H has broken it off the the OW, I see love in his eyes again, he talked to me in a tender voice and he hugs me with love in his body. My heart is flying high now! It's only been 1 week today, but I feel that we are making progress. Part of our problem was that I was not open with him. I have started to share my feelings and thoughts now and it has been a relief.

Good luck and I will pray for you!

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

Suebee I'm realy happy for you thats GREAT news. Good luck with recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BUT BE NICE!!!!! BE LOVING...SOUND CARING....look, you want to be her best friend...not that skell she's living with! I am presuming, by the way that this "friend" the beauty that blew you off the other night? if so your W being with her is a real bad thing. this girl sounds like she's looking for a partner in crime and your W fits her bill. besides she lives down stairs from the OM right?

by the way, i'm not advising you that you act like a pr#ck...only not be so availible to her. and what is this nonsense about a car! your marriage is falling apart and all she can think about is a new car? what is going on?

it's good that your doing things to get her off your mind. go out with friends an try to enjoy yourself. and if the only reason she wants to speak with you is about the car then you have a lot of work to do.

coach

A_Mess- I've been taking Paxil for 2 months. It really has helped a lot. Also DR said it would take 2 weeks to kick in, but I noticed it in about 4 days. It does not make you feel dopey, just let's you start taking care of yourself and making wiser decisions, instead of just reacting. Hang in there, you've come to the right place, lots of great people here, who will give you feedback and support.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

A-mess...

I read the very first post that brought you here and was going to post to you then...

then there were some deleted posts...and some warnings to back off in "preaching" to you...
but

So I'm gonna be upfront realizing the risk of being disregarded...this is an honest attempt to look at the big picture...and your and your wife's recovery...

People easily jump to certain conclusions...a perfect example would be people's distaste for 'open marriages'...

It's easy to write off poster's distaste for such things as being judgemental, preachy, or even prudish....

But the deeper truth in the distaste for such things is the deeper hurt and pain that it usually if not always leads too.

While I am sure that we can all find people that swing and have so called open marriages and claim 100% satisfaction and contentment with these choices.....the usual outcome is a painful one..

The problem with open marriages is that they really blur the lines of what makes a marriage...even by definition alone....the forsaking all others...the pursuit of a unified partnership, and the existance of intimacy on a deeper level than being exciting in the bedroom...
intimacy that exist only in the bedroom is only a shadow of the gift that initmacy is..

So I am professing great concern about your recovery when in my opinion going in to this new "situation" both you and your wife while you had some very physical and logistical rules...you really didn't have the emotional rules, consequances, and downfalls worked out...

The pre-existance of the state of your and her opinion on these things and your marriage is going to have a great effect on your's and her recovery...

and again and again and again this is not an attack this is an honest attempt at open discussion of attempting to see where your belief system now falls in to these things..

open marriage.
flirting...
having a wife know you want someone "bad"...

I just afraid that your past is going to come up and bite you in the behind bad....
real bad...

and that you can do several things about that now..

but it depends on what your current belief system is and if it varies from your previous one...
so before going too deeply into that..
i think it warrants discussing if you have changed some previously held beliefs about marriages....

cause I also think that people assisting you through this deserve to know what your basis of belief is...because the truth is that most believe in monogamy...not from some chain bound unwilling to change closed mindedness repressiveness......but because when two people are on the same page and striving for a monogamous union...worthy of eachother...
it's a great thing....

AND people won't waste time posting tips or suggestions that move you towards a state of mongogamy if that is not what you desire...

blessings to you
ARK

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: A_mess ]</small>

A,

thanks for your response...

Even though infidelity places people in positions in which they feel greatly powerless..the way to stop those feelings is to take control and change the things that we are in power of changing...

This is difficult..for while emotionally the betrayal places one a great emotional rollar coaster (as we say around here)
and it is easy to wallow or rage in emotions...
feelings of anger, despair, and ofcourse the unfairness of the whole thing...

But finding small areas to place our energy in to changing...often are the things that ground us...and give us the focus not to lose it all together.

Married people have patterns of communication that are familiar to all....some of these patterns serve us well..others not so much so...so it is always a good thing to look at how we communicate with our spouses and evaluate the roles we play in it...and see if there are areas we (you) can improve on or change...and then move towards making the change...and then making the change become a permanant way for you...

Often it is the subtle changes that get a WS attention even if they act like they aren't listening...often the feedback comes later on.
If for example your wife is used to you yelling, or interrupting, or using certain catch phrases...like you're crazy or that's stupid...(these are just examples..) and YOU quit doing that one little thing or saying...it gets their attention...because you are showing them in action a change you have made..and the more you stick to that change the more they believe in your ability to change...on little things and big things...

fair?? nah...BUT changes you make in and of yourself that serve you better are good things...even when the catalyst is a painfilled infidelity...

a-mess you have tougher road to showing changes in actions because of the pre-state of your and hers marital belief system...
this is not to hash out and debate open marriage and i bring it up because it is a weapon that may be used against you and you need to prepare for that and show in action your changes on that postition...

I hope you are taking the time to read about plan a and reading it again and again..

You should be attempting to meet her needs to the best of your ability...
you want to present yourself in the best light not in direct competition of the OM...but in the type of husband you envision yourself being AND the changes that you need to make to get you there...

You want every interaction to be as positive as you can muster it to be...well in control of yourself...

you should be seeking IC..
you should consider making an appointment with the Marriage Builders counseling service...

change is scary
even patterns and styles that don't serve us well in life are hard to let go of..because the known is always easier than the unknown...

ARK