Hello and thanks to everyone who helped me out last night. I have an appt to see an IC next Tue. I am scared because my husband thinks there is nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I am a whore. He says all I need to do is just stop it and love him. But obviously its not that easy for me. So I hope I am doing the right thing. He says I do it cuz I don't love him and am trying to drive him away from his girls. Thats far from the truth. I love him I just want to get some help to get to the bottom of my actions. He is still gone and wont really talk to me. I know he needs his space. I miss him, but its my fault. I did go to work and felt sick all day, very sick. I talked with a friend who is a therapist and she was wonderful. I thank God for her today.

That's good news Nikol.

You ARE doing the right thing in seeking professional help because what benefits you will ultimately benefit your children and your H as well.

Your H is obviously skeptical at this moment but if he SEES that you are following through with your therapy, he may eventually drop his doubts about your love for him and open his mind that you too are suffering and want to get well. Invite him to your sessions if you feel that it will help.

In the meantime read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair' 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy'.

Good luck and God bless.

nikol:

I'm glad you checked, and I'm glad he's okay. I'm also glad you're getting counseling.

I think your H has issues of his own that will need 2 be addressed at some point before you can have a fulfilling M with him. But that's up 2 him. You can only control how you behave and what you do. That you want 2 help yourself and your family is a very good sign.

Take care, and have a good weekend. Definitely read the books that 2MCM suggested.

-2long

Your H is physically safe at this time. He is not emotionally safe until you discontinue your affair and take steps to prevent any further contact with the OM. Have you done these things? If not, why?

nikol,
as others have expressed, your getting immediate councilling is not just good...i think it's the single most important thing you can do at this time.

as for your H...i don't know if the poor man knows what to think right now. but i do know this. if you can sit him down and explain that what you've beeen doing is more in the nature of a sickness then a concious effort to seek the companionship of OM...then maybe he can help you work on your problem. and what great therapy that will be for the both of you...tackling this thing together!

good luck & glad he's OK.
coach

Coach,
Thank you so much for your reply. I really think that my past is some sort of sickness. I don't think I am addicted to sex but that I am addicted to self destruction. I grew up in family where cheating usually by the men was always done and women knew and put up with it. I tried to talk about this a little with H but he thinks I am full of s*** and than I am just a w****. He does not believe that there can be any kind of sickness that allows a wife to cheat on her Husband. I have deep regret for everything and I wrote him a letter expressing this. I also told him that he holds all the cards and that I am willing and ready to do whatever it takes to A: get to the bottom of my issues and B: restore the marriage. He left 2 days ago, I dont know where he is, just that he is safe. He hates me right now and I dont blame him. He has already asked for a divorce and wants to come home today and tell the kids everything. I think I am starting to realize the consequences for my actions but it may be too late.

hang in there nikol...im glad u know hes safe now that gives you some peace of mind anyhow...you have gone to him with remorse...he is gonna find this hard to believe as he is still dealing with your actions...if you really love him dont give up..he is hurt now and angry...but when he gets thru that he will be able to deal with it...i think right now the children should only know that you two have differences and not the entire story and hopefully he doesnt let his anger get the best of him...this is an adult topic and children should not know all...hopefully he will keep this in mind....they dont need to deal with more than they have to...as for your relationship LOVE CAN CONQUER ALL...and with time maybe things will work out...if not...at least you have learned something from this and still continue to seek someone to help you with all of this...so you can become a better person...we are human errors happen...just a bit of my own my husband cheated on me as well 15 yrs ago with my best friend....and we worked it out...i will tell you it wasnt easy as i hated him and treated him terrible for 3 yrs....i couldnt get over it ...i was so hurt and angry but eventually was able to forgive and move on and learn to trust him again...i realized if i really wanted this to work i had to...so gl to you and just take it slow and expect him to not understand right now

Nikol -
I am a BS so I know how your H feels. When my H talks to me all I hear is blah, blah, blah. He does not follow up anything with actions. I have come to the point where I now have no contact with him. Sweety you are taking action - congratulations on getting counseling - ask your counselor if you might need some anti-depressants. Also remember action, action, action. See what you can do this weekend to make things better for you and daughters. Clean the house, do something with them, cook a nice dinner, go to church, etc. I wouldn't get into big discussion with H. Tell him you are making some changes, and then do it. Good luck and keep posting here. The people on this board are amazing.

Nikol I'd suggest that you CLOSE all avenues of access to sources of OM's so that you can remove the temptation and the possibility of one of your previous OM's contacting you and sending you back to square one. The more you remove yourself from the environment that made your affair possible, the more power you have to make progress in your treatment.

Nikol,

Please share this thread with your H: 5 stages of grieving

Let him read what he may be going through. He appears to be in some sort of denial. Is he willing to come here? The fact that you are willing to discuss it puts your situation way ahead of others even here.

Now where are you on ending the A?

L.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

ms. N,
the fact that your H is still in contact with you is a real posative sign. of course he's ranting and with good reason...but if he didn't care you would probably be in a far worse place right now.

if it were me i would continue to just keep telling him how sorry you are and how you intend to get help for your problem.

maybe once you see your therapist, he/she will take some time to help you speak to your H and explain why your past may be contributing to your current behavior.

in any case...be sure to send the OM a non contact letter...and you should make it simple and short. good by so long don't ever call me again kind of short. then show it to your H.

just keep communicating with him at every opportunity. i'm betting you can save this marriage but it will take huge effort and real work.

coach

Thank you everyone,
All of you are GODSENDS! H came home today and found a letter of apology that I had written to him. He read it and came to the salon where I was, brought me and the girls lunch and we hugged. He says he thinks we can get through this. God heard my prayers. I begged him to please stay home and that on his terms that I will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. He gave me the biggest hug and said he missed me. I told him I missed him too and that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life showing him and helping to mend his broken heart. I also told him that I have an appt on next Tue with an IC. He said that he will help me to discover why I made such bad choices and that we will make it. P. S. I went out today and purchased two books, SAA AND AFTER THE AFFAIR.
THANKS

good for you! best of luck and please let us know how thing are working out.

coach

nikol that gave me chills i cant tell how happy i am for you....this is wonderful news for your family....ok NOW...you are going to make this work...you know these other men are not what you are looking for or would not be fighting so hard to save your marriage RIGHT!..you are going to be strong...you are going to be councilled to continue to make the right decisions..you are going to put ALL efforts foward to show this man you love that you are going to be the wonderful wife he deserves and that YOU deserve to be...good luck nikol..and love that man and have a happy family and future...

Thanks so much everyone,
I don't think I would be here today if it werent for this site. I am speechless. My H and I have both come clean about everything and I think this is a wonderful start to an amazing future. I am so grateful for so many things, most of all for his mercy. I know now that I will truly live each day of my life trying to be the wife he deserves. I feel like I am not worthy and it makes me cry because he is so warm and understanding. How could I have done this to such a wonderful person? I will keep these new feelings close by as a constant reminder of what I have done. I will always keep you all posted of our progress.
Thanks so much

Hello,
Last night was one of the best nights of my life. We talked about everything. I even found out about some of his temptings as well. We both agree that none of that matters anymore and all we want is to start over from scratch and rebuild our marriage. What a feeling. I never thought we would get here. I thought it was over. We made incredibly love to each other all night long. It was so passionate. I hope we are not trying to kidd ourselves by doing that. I told him that I didnt want to do anything to cloud his judgement. I know sex can cloud things because we can get all caught up in how good it feels. I also didnt want to hold anything back from the man I love and have missed for so long. We are constantly talking and I think thats what makes it ok for us to still be intimate. Communication is a powerful thing. I feel like we are going to get to know each other all over again. I am always remindful of my past and am very determined not to repeat the same mistakes. This morning H told me that he will even go to counseling too. Wow what a big step for us. I also tell him daily that I am sorry and I love him. We are on our way to church now with the girls. I just wanted to update everyone. I feel very comforted in all of this.

Nikol,

If this is the beginning of your recovery, it sounds good. The road may still be bumpy since feelings and triggers exist on both sides.

Use your communication to help each other out. Be each other's 'watchtower' and warn each other when danger appears on the horizon. It might become obnoxious sometimes but remember the intent. Do it with love.

I am very happy to hear this good news. Are you still planning to see an MC?

If it is ok, let your H know that we are rooting for U 2. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wishing you both all the best,
L.

nikol
i am so glad that u two seem to be on the right track but remember what i said earlier as i have gone through this..things can be good and there will be some times when he for no reason just feels the pain and acts out..although ((poof)) we would like to be forgiven just like that there are steps to forgiveness...that doesnt mean he doesnt have all the intentions to forgive you...but forgiveness doesnt mean forgetting and just because of that our mind can rehash hurtful things and cause us pain all over again...so with that in mind still expect some bumps but expecting them is all the easier to deal with them...over time the pain your husband feels will diminish and truely if you prove to him that he is the only one you will end up with a stronger marriage for it.....wishing u both well.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />