I am in the process of reading SAA and find it is a very good read. My H has read several books, including HN/HN and a comment he made was that all the books seem to be about the positive side of repairing your marriage. He asked me to see if there might be any books on the pros of divorce, but all I could really find in the bookstores were books that told you how to survive divorce once it happened.

My question.. . . .is it a good idea for him to read SAA??? I think it demonstrates both points of view and he might be able to become more decisive (hasn't actually decided whether or not he wants to commit to the marriage and work it out, but he's still here for now until he makes a final decision). What do you think???

Here's a crazy question, why is your H looking for a book that is pro D? Does he realize this is a Marriage Building website? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

L.

He hasn't actually been on this website, but it seems to him that every book that has been suggested and we've read all are pro-marriage. I hope it dawns on him that there's a reason for that and I hope he realizes that it's because affairs don't last, but again, he probably thinks this one is different. WE really are in love. . . .yada, yada, yada,. . . .

There is a board that advocates D. It is called the TOW board (TOW = The other woman), that is not the websites name but both OM and OWs along with a few WS and BS all post there. Mostly OWs in their various states of the A. D there is like a prize of sick sorts.

So what does your H hope to accomplish with the D? What part of his life will improve with a D? Why would he think any sane M person would advocate a D? What part of his M deserves a D? Just questions for him to ponder over.

L.

if it were me i would tell your H that there is really nothing good about divorce. at best it's always a heart rendering soluiotn to a problem between two people.

divorce is simply a solution to what is a problem between people that seems impossible to solve. that's why there are tems like irreconcialable differnces...

if he has doubts about the process or has questions send him to the divorce board right here at this site...let him read some of the posts and get the take on those who are going through it right now...he should know that it "ain't no picnic!"
coach

Thanks for the advice. I think, no, I know what he's trying to do is make this ALL MY fault and it isn't. I think he's afraid that there really is somehting there and we can make it. Right now, he's only thinking about himself and wants the easy solution. . . .D. I'll continue to fight with every last breath I have. I know D is not the answer, I just need him to figure that out as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hope4Best:
<strong>Thanks for the advice. I think, no, I know what he's trying to do is make this ALL MY fault and it isn't. I think he's afraid that there really is somehting there and we can make it. Right now, he's only thinking about himself and wants the easy solution. . . .D. I'll continue to fight with every last breath I have. I know D is not the answer, I just need him to figure that out as well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, you need to be wise where you put your energies. Right now if you try to teach him, he will not listen. His learning curve isn't a curve, yet. So use this time to take care of yourself. Build up your support and energy so that when he is ready to listen, you will be ready to help.

take care,
L.

I understand that he really needs to figure this out. At the moment, my strategy is to continue with the MC and read just about anything I can get my hands on. I also let him read the books if he chooses to.

I need some thoughts - about last night. We hung out last night for a couple of hours and it was fun. We talked, not about us or anything in particular, but commenting on people around us (he was playing BJ at a casino). At the end of the night he allowed me to hold his hand and he squeezed mine, then he put his arm around me. At that point we were leaving to go home and had separate cars. When he got home I went downstairs to "thank" him for allowing me to go and just hang out with him. I kissed his cheek goodnight and gave him a hug. At that point, he started to kiss me and passionately. We ended up kissing and laying next to each other for about 1 1/2 hours. He made a comment that "I shouldn't want to do this". I asked him why and he replied "because I've had sex with another woman". I told him that I loved him, it was hard for me to think about that but I was willing to work to overcome this. We went to sleep at that point and he didn't move away from me. About an hour and a half later he initiated kissing me again. After this, he did roll over the other way.

I know not to get my hopes up because I know this is going to be a long, hard road but I look at this as at least a sign that he may perhaps be open to the idea of working on our M. I guess what I'm really trying to find out is if I did any LB??? Since he initiated most of it I am hoping I was making some sort of deposit in my love bank with him.

Advice is always welcome.