ok, well here goes, I am new to this board and a bit not sure how to start, so I will just throw it all out and see what you all think.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, 2 kids, whom we both absolutely love, he is a great father. However, I feel that he has been cheating on me, here are my signs

1. We stated playing softball this summer and I got hurt and could not play anymore, so instead of paying a sitter, I stayed home and he comtinued on the team.

2. About a month later, one day I all of the sudden had like a panic attack, I just KNEW he was cheating. I dont know what triggerd it, I just got this feeling.

3. he, of course denied it when i asked him.

4. So I started paying closer attention to behavior etc.
* We were s'posed to go to a concert one night, that Billy Ray Cirus guy, and as I was getting ready, the phone rang and in the background someone was playing the song "It could'be been me standing there with you...." I hung up the phone and called him and just reamed him up one side and down the other. He comes home with FLOWERS!!! I just tossed them out, to bad they were pretty.

* His friend 'bob' (not real name) and bobs wife 'jane' (again, not real name) were on the ball team. I had a funny feeling about either her or one of her friends. Well anyway, she was always calling our house for my husband. I may as well admit, some of out group smokes pot, and she is one of them, my husband does at times, and always knows where to get it. anyway, that was what she was calling all the time for,is what he told me.

*One night as we were all sitting down to dinner, he called me 'jane', I froze, then I looked at him with what must have been a mixture of anger, hurt and god knows what else, I just walked out of the kitchen. He just ate like nothing was wrong!!

*my sister works for a museum, and they needed to return some paintings to the university, they asked me if I would drive them to XXXXXXX. about 180 miles away, they would pay me etc. I said sure. Well, the night before, my sister called and said for insurance purposes, they had to send them with a commercial delivery service. I did NOT tell hubby I was not going. The next morning, as we were getting up, he asked when I was going, I said "I'm not" and told him why, I was s'posed to be gone about 8:00 am, it was now about 8:30. The phone rang and he did not even attempt to answer it, I said "arn't you going to answer that?" he said no, let it ring. Strange, when you consider we run a business out of our house!! Then to top it off, a few hours later, 'jane' and one of her buddies shows up at my house!!

I was furious with my husband. They wanted a tour of my house, what ever. anyhow, I feel that either he is cheating with Jane or one of her friends. I am trying to act like I don't care, so I can catch him, you know, let him slip up, make him feel like he is oh so smart, that I know nothing, and I guess I really don't, but what does this sound like to you? am I crazy? paranoid? is this all just coincidence? Please let me know what you all think.

Thank you for your time.

filly

Most of the times those feelings or instincts are pretty dead on.

Even those that are floored by uncovering an affair will look back and see signs. So we do notice changes in behavior we don't automatically understand them.

If you are "feeling" something is wrong odds are your feelings aren't off base.

I am so confused right now. He denied it. I feel it. Is it Jane? her friend? or am I just assuming it is one of them? my gut tells me it is jane.

filly,

Your gut is right. It is Jane, not her buddy. The buddy is there so that it is not obvious. Along for Jane's support. It shouldn't be hard to confirm it. But I'll say 98% sure EA or PA.

Get ready fot the ride of your life, stay here, read all posts, good luck!

oh you guys, how do I confirm this? He will NEVER admit to it - ever. How do I find out? He has denied it and I don't know what to do next? Any ideas?

god, I am remembering more, I feel so stupid!! I remember one night, jane called for my husband, she was having car problems, and she wanted him to look at her car, she drove 15 miles to town, another say 20 miles through town, then out the freeway on the other side of town way out to our house!! If someone was having car problems, it makes no sence that you would dive this far for someone to look at it!! They were out in our garage for along time. I did go out there twice with pop, but realy, nothing was going on. Then, it also dawned on me that he would always stop at her house on Weds for breakfast!! I thought nothing of it, her husband was a very good friend and still is a good friend of my husbands, and I was told that John was always home, albeit, sleeping at the time. He worked afternoons. I am so dumb!!! HOW DO I CATCH THEM? Do I need to catch them? what do I do?

1. Plant a voice activated recorder in his vehicle. Check out Radio Shack or Walmart.

2. Put one of those small video recorders in your room or office area. You can check out places like Best Buy or Good Guys, etc.

3. Hire a dedective.

4. Trust your instincts. Painful as it may be, you have to decide whether you want the painful truth or the conflict avoider's lie.

5. Read the info (concepts section here), get ahold of the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W Harley. Get with a good MC.

L.

I feel so dumb, this has been going on right under my nose!! I feel like the dumbest woman on earth!! I feel like a tornado is going on inside right now, my heart is racing, I feel sick to my stomache and my brain is jumping around remembering all these signs!! How can I be so dumb? I am not normally stupid!! I keep remembering snippits of conversations, and such and it is all crasing down on me like the roof is caving in. How on earth could he do this to me? to us? I feel like taking him for every dime he is worth, cleaning him out and making his life a living hell!! Not only am I dumb for not seeing this, I am a moron for not seeing it sooner. I feel like such a loser. right under my god damn nose!! And with his friends wife no less, that [censored]!! He is out of town with our son for the weekend, so I have time to think. I need to get my act together befor Sunday and think. How do I get my mind back? I need to go sit in the tub and think!! No, I'll just go nuts, why do I feel like this? Why did it all just happen now? Why does it just come on like this? Maybe I am nuts. No I'm not. I know I'm not. I am so much better than this. I don't deserve this at all. I am a good person, or am I, if I was this would not have happend. GOd I am babbling like a moron!! My fingers are going as fast as they can. I feel like crying, I feel mad, I feel totally confused!! But I will get ahold of myself and deal with this, I apologize for ranting like a lunatic, but I just, I don't know. I am so mixed up right now.

filly thanks for moral support for me. It is tough with the kids but without them I don't know what I would do. We're all suffering together.

I am so sorry that you have to be here. But here is better than by yourself. These people are great for support. I read almost everyday to keep myself going.

Have a good week-end talk later.

bye!

you try and have a good weekend, Hug your kids Dad, they love you!!

I just read my paragraph from above and must say I am embarrased at how out of control I feel right now. Is this normal? what is normal? this is just nuts, I am not a vindictive person at all, why am I so scatterd?

Tonight is when this all came to a head for me, it is all falling into place and it is happening so fast that I feel lost, I am panicking for gods sakes, me, I never panic but right now I am so scared, I feel so alone I just don't know what to do. I feel like someone just flipped a light switch and there it all was, in full living color. My husband has been cheating with one of his friends wife!! How could I not see that? I don't mean to be a bother, maybe I am wrong, maybe it is nothing, could they be just friends? Is that possible? Maybe I am making mountains out of molehills? PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I feel so horrible right now, I am so tired but I can't sleep, my stomache hurts and my heart is so tight.

filly I can't leave you like this.

You are not dumb. It goes on under your nose because you trusted him. [censored] is right.

Your stomach will be in knots for weeks and my mind was "bouncing off the walls" for weeks with all kinds of thoughts of past events.

You do not deserve this. He has the choice to have the A or not. You need to read SAA. Get it quick. Meantime read all info on MB website.

You can take him to the cleaners later if you want but now you MUST concentrate on you.

Tough it out for now. You can do it for your kids.

Hang in there kid. Talk later. Good luck.

You might see Dr for Anti-depression Med I had to

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

I am finally crying, I have to get a grip on my self, I wish it was not Friday. I wish I could go to the Dr. tomorrow, I am sad, I have never felt so kicked in the stomache pain in all my life!! Thank you for coming back. How do you sleep? where do I go first on this program to find out about me? To find out how to cope and what my steps are?

Filly,

First of all you are not nuts. Trust your instincts and breathe. Many of us have truly understand your emotional status right now.

You seem to be experiencing anxiety attacks. Learn what they are, mentally prepare for them (U can't avoid them and they hit at the most awkward times), then when they do hit, know what to do. Don't fight it, this is your body's way of relieving the stress.

Drink lots of water, get some rest. Your stomach is probably in knots and you will be doing the infidelity diet quickly. Still take care of yourself. This is important.

See your doctor ASAP.

Here's a link that helped me: 5 stages of grieving

Learn about plans A & B:

plan a 101 revised 2nd edition

plan b 101 revised 2nd edition
plan b 101 revised 2nd edition

There are several other posts on this same subject. Don't over burden yourself but the reading will help calm you down. Posting here helps also.

Here's a helpful excercise: put your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder, then squeeze. There that's a cyber hug from me to you.

take care,
L.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 02:54 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

filly,
sorry for your problem. but you now what? you don't have to have incontravertable evidence of his adultry...i mean you're not taking this thing before the supreme court...

you know that something isn't right so simply tell him you want him to stop haveing any kind of relationship with the OW/Jane! ask him to send her a no contact letter...see what he sais.

and tell him to stop dealin' dope! using is bad enough but dealing (even a little for your friends is a big time felony) and besides, it's just plain not right. if folks want a bad habit then let them solve their own supply problems...good people don't aid and abet.

coach

Well I did fianlly get some sleep. I don't feel a whole lot better today, my husband called this morning. I thought I acted normal. He asked whar was wrong, I said "Nothing", the phone line was real quiet for a long time, well it seemed like a long time. Then I piped in and said, "I have things to do today. I have to go" He was very quiet, then askes again "What is wrong?" I answere back "what do you think?, now I have to go, I don't have time to talk to you right now"then he says "I love you" and I said, "What ever that means" and hung up the phone. So I go take a shower, I heard the phone ringing, and I did'nt answer it. He left a message, he is coming home, they were posed to be gone till tomorrow, but he is on his way home.

I am just going to go about my business, when he gets here, I am going to tell him that I never want him to talk to Jane, her friends, any of them again. The choice is his, but i have choices too!!

My question is, do I tell her husband what I think?

yes, tell her husband. You would want to know in his shoes, wouldn't you?

The feelings and thoughts you're having are a totally normal response to finding out that your spouse is having an affair. I don't remember a time in my life when I ever felt so totally crazy, out of control, enraged, sickened, depressed, etc. I'm just so sorry that you're having to go through this. There were even days when I wasn't sure that I even wanted to survive the experience. As mentioned before, you may want to see your doctor about getting on an antidepressant. Otherwise you start to deplete you mind and body, only making it harder to deal with this very difficult situation. My friend, this is a long painful journey. Please keep coming back here and let us help support you through what can be a very lonely place. Take care!

Filly,

U are now in a good position but you need to excercise patience. Can you wait for him to see what he has to say? Don't be too ready to concede ok? Let him show what he is willing to do to be 'welcomed back to your family'. Remember your family has value the A does not. He needs to know they are not equal and you are not 2nd choice. He needs to prove to you his worth. Of course that does not mean you play hard to get, just firm and loving. Keep respect for your family a priority. Don't make it too hard but don't be easy also.

It is a hard line to walk.... I know.

Hugz,
L.

Well, he came home yesterday. I was busy working around the house and he comes in the dining room, the look on his face!! He actualy looked almost scared! I just stopped dusting, and said, "I never wnat you to talk to Jane or see her again..ever" His response was NOT what I expected at all!! He at first looked shocked, then he says
"what? why?" and I said because I feel like you have been having an affair with her an it makes me sick, now I don't want to fight and yell and right now I just can't even look at you" and I turned around and walked out of the room. I don't know how long he stayed there or what, but I know if I stayed there I would have blown up at him. I had to get control of myself. Well when he finally comes to find me, he DENIES the whole thing, blah blah blah, then says, IMO the most guilty words one can say "There is no proof" !!!! I said, "sure there is" (and there must be somewhere, just because I don't have it does not mean it does not exist, so I was not lying) and said nothing more. He looked shocked. I went about my housework and he is trying to be soooo nice! what a load, I did not initiate any conversations with him at all, I was civil if and when he talked to me, made dinner etc. and I am just not ready to do "A' right now. I can't. I feel to numb. He of course is trying to be Mr wonderful, like he helped clean up the kitchen after dinner, right, he very seldom helps me clean after dinner, he knows I like to do it my self, he is walking around hear on egg shells, it is kind of funny. He is acting SOOOOOO guilty!! But then I run through this emotional turmoil, anger, sadness, misbelief, sickness, I am not sure what to do right now, so I just am keeping myself at arms lenght untill I can read more of this board, and get a better handle on me.

The funny thing is, and I know this sounds nuts, but I felt sorry for him in a way last night. He is usually so confident, and he was nervous and uptight and I believe he is scared I am going to leave him. I could be wrong, but I sense that he is very scared.

I wish he would just admit it and we could deal with it in the open. But he absolutely will never do that, I know him so well. I am glad tomorrow is Monday, he goes back to work, as do I and I can call the Dr and hopefully he can give something to either help me sleep or eat, I can't eat at all. I made lasagne last night and I usually love that!! I ate like 3 bites and just could not eat anymore. It was hard to sit at the table with the kids and him, I just pushed my food around my plate and tried to talk with the kids. So far, I think I have kept everything from them. If I said anything now, I might say some horrible things, and he is their father and he is a great dad. They adore him, and I don't know if I can in all honesty damage that relationship by letting them know about this.

He denied an afffair, he said they are just friends, and she calls because she wants him to find her 'pot' (he says that he does NOT get her pot at all, I also jumped him a bit about that, he told me that though some people have asked him, and he does know where to get it, he does not do so) then he tossed in the "She's Johns wife" bit, like that is to mean anything. I have spent hours reading this board and it seems to me that co workers and friends are usually the ow/om!! (see, I am getting the lingo!)

Am I overreacating? Is this a friendship that I have blown out of proportion? That is what he said to me. My gut says no. my gut says that he has cheated, and if it is not with JAne, it was with someone. But Jane has been calling ALOT for a while, I did dig out the cell phone bills, and he has called their house alot, but then, he and John are friends. Then I thought, hmmmm., they have been friends since college, he sure did not call him this much before did he? So I pulled out some from a while back, before the summer, and NO he did not call that house as much as he has in the past few months. She NEVER called our house as much either, she NEVER just stopped by, and how strange to stop by and bring a friend "so she could see your house" and when for all I knew, she THOUGHT I would be out of town that day! My house is nice, but nothing you would go out of your way to either chat about or come to see!! It is a normal house. I am not some millionare! We are normal, middle class working people. Does it sound like 'she' is the one or is this all just, ohhh, see? He has me double thinking myself, I hate this!!

He is out in the garage today, getting trucks ready for winter and all that maintenence stuff. I have not been mean to him, I just can't talk or even look at him right now. Neither on of us slept last night. He stared at the ceiling most of the night, then finally got up about 4:00 am, went and flipped on the tv, then went out to the garage. So, I guess I am getting ahold of myself, trying to stay in control to some degree, when I feel that feeling of losing it comeing on, I walk away from him, and just go somewhere and try to calm down. I just shut my eyes and pray to god to get me through this!

I didscoved something else too, I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE, I don't truly want to hurt him by taking away everything he loves. But I want to know if he even loves me for real, or just because he does'nt want to lose the kids, the house, money or what? I hate this, I hate what he has done, but what if he is telling me the truth? that they are just friends? Who do I trust? How do I know?
oh, well, I will keep reading and I just don't know which way to turn.

Well, he came home yesterday. I was busy working around the house and he comes in the dining room, the look on his face!! He actualy looked almost scared! I just stopped dusting, and said, "I never wnat you to talk to Jane or see her again..ever" His response was NOT what I expected at all!! He at first looked shocked, then he says
"what? why?" and I said because I feel like you have been having an affair with her an it makes me sick, now I don't want to fight and yell and right now I just can't even look at you" and I turned around and walked out of the room. I don't know how long he stayed there or what, but I know if I stayed there I would have blown up at him. I had to get control of myself. Well when he finally comes to find me, he DENIES the whole thing, blah blah blah, then says, IMO the most guilty words one can say "There is no proof" !!!! I said, "sure there is" (and there must be somewhere, just because I don't have it does not mean it does not exist, so I was not lying) and said nothing more. He looked shocked. I went about my housework and he is trying to be soooo nice! what a load, I did not initiate any conversations with him at all, I was civil if and when he talked to me, made dinner etc. and I am just not ready to do "A' right now. I can't. I feel to numb. He of course is trying to be Mr wonderful, like he helped clean up the kitchen after dinner, right, he very seldom helps me clean after dinner, he knows I like to do it my self, he is walking around hear on egg shells, it is kind of funny. He is acting SOOOOOO guilty!! But then I run through this emotional turmoil, anger, sadness, misbelief, sickness, I am not sure what to do right now, so I just am keeping myself at arms lenght untill I can read more of this board, and get a better handle on me.

The funny thing is, and I know this sounds nuts, but I felt sorry for him in a way last night. He is usually so confident, and he was nervous and uptight and I believe he is scared I am going to leave him. I could be wrong, but I sense that he is very scared.

I wish he would just admit it and we could deal with it in the open. But he absolutely will never do that, I know him so well. I am glad tomorrow is Monday, he goes back to work, as do I and I can call the Dr and hopefully he can give something to either help me sleep or eat, I can't eat at all. I made lasagne last night and I usually love that!! I ate like 3 bites and just could not eat anymore. It was hard to sit at the table with the kids and him, I just pushed my food around my plate and tried to talk with the kids. So far, I think I have kept everything from them. If I said anything now, I might say some horrible things, and he is their father and he is a great dad. They adore him, and I don't know if I can in all honesty damage that relationship by letting them know about this.

He denied an afffair, he said they are just friends, and she calls because she wants him to find her 'pot' (he says that he does NOT get her pot at all, I also jumped him a bit about that, he told me that though some people have asked him, and he does know where to get it, he does not do so) then he tossed in the "She's Johns wife" bit, like that is to mean anything. I have spent hours reading this board and it seems to me that co workers and friends are usually the ow/om!! (see, I am getting the lingo!)

Am I overreacating? Is this a friendship that I have blown out of proportion? That is what he said to me. My gut says no. my gut says that he has cheated, and if it is not with JAne, it was with someone. But Jane has been calling ALOT for a while, I did dig out the cell phone bills, and he has called their house alot, but then, he and John are friends. Then I thought, hmmmm., they have been friends since college, he sure did not call him this much before did he? So I pulled out some from a while back, before the summer, and NO he did not call that house as much as he has in the past few months. She NEVER called our house as much either, she NEVER just stopped by, and how strange to stop by and bring a friend "so she could see your house" and when for all I knew, she THOUGHT I would be out of town that day! My house is nice, but nothing you would go out of your way to either chat about or come to see!! It is a normal house. I am not some millionare! We are normal, middle class working people. Does it sound like 'she' is the one or is this all just, ohhh, see? He has me double thinking myself, I hate this!!

He is out in the garage today, getting trucks ready for winter and all that maintenence stuff. I have not been mean to him, I just can't talk or even look at him right now. Neither on of us slept last night. He stared at the ceiling most of the night, then finally got up about 4:00 am, went and flipped on the tv, then went out to the garage. So, I guess I am getting ahold of myself, trying to stay in control to some degree, when I feel that feeling of losing it comeing on, I walk away from him, and just go somewhere and try to calm down. I just shut my eyes and pray to god to get me through this!

I didscoved something else too, I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE, I don't truly want to hurt him by taking away everything he loves. But I want to know if he even loves me for real, or just because he does'nt want to lose the kids, the house, money or what? I hate this, I hate what he has done, but what if he is telling me the truth? that they are just friends? Who do I trust? How do I know?
oh, well, I will keep reading and I just don't know which way to turn.