I need help.

Two days ago, my husband told me that he wanted to move out, that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to live alone and eventually divorce. That he wasn't in love with me anymore.

I was stunned. We have had a long history of periods of intense arguing ... usually started by me. I thought I was the one that wasn't happy, that he was the one that was causing the problems in our relationship. For years I have been insisting that he change his ways, his habits, himself, etc. in order to make me happy. I've threatened to leave him many times over the years if he didn't change his ways, improve his habits, be better at this and that.

The next day I discovered (from a strange name on his cell phone) that he was emotionally -- if not physically -- involved with another woman. This has been going on in secret for at least two months. He won't tell me how much longer. At first I thought it was physical, but he has been insisting that it isn't -- that they've kissed, but that is it. He did say, though, that he wants to be with her -- but now he is insisting that his relationship with her is a non-issue, that dealing with what is going on between us is all he can handle.

So, I discovered this website and have come to the stunning realization that I am the guilty party in the relationship. That I am the one who has not been satisfying his emotional needs, that I am the one who is most guilty of doing the love busting. On his part, he is guilty of annoying habits and now, I guess, dishonesty. But on my part, I am guilty of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts. And probably annoying habits. I think the only thing I haven't been guilty of is dishonesty -- unless being dishonest with myself counts. I've just been so angry for so long, I don't even know what I was angry about in the first place. After realizing all this, I've been able to get back to a place where I'm not angry anymore, where I feel so much love for him and a great need to care for him and protect him and to make up for all the mean and nasty things that I've said to him. I feel so relieved to have gotten to this point -- a point where I can give up my anger and being judgemental and nasty, a place where I can appreciate and admire him, and even feel attracted to him again.

And that is the problem. He listens to all of this, but he says that he is done, finished, and that nothing I say will change that, that he doesn't want to change it. I've said that I understand why he feels that way and it is completely reasonable for him to feel so detached from me and that I understand why he doesn't feel love for me anymore, but that if he just gives me a chance to start fulfilling his emotional needs, to stop being such a mean, angry person, and to show how much I care for him, eventually this feeling of nothing will go away and he will start feeling love for me again. It all seems so clear to me right now how this can work -- I feel stupid and ashamed not to have gotten here sooner. But he has no hope, doesn't want to have hope. He says the only thing all of my realizations make him feel is sad, sad because he doesn't even care. Doesn't even want to care.

I am so devastated that I have brought us to this point. And I feel like there is nothing I can do to convince him to give me a chance, to give me a chance to show him that if I make him feel good again, he will start feeling good about me. I've asked him to make an appointment for a telephone consultation, but he doesn't want to do that either. And I don't know what to do now. Now that I have given up all this angry baggage, I see again what a good, true-hearted person he is -- I see now how much he once loved me -- and I can't imagine my life without him. Right now, he can't imagine his life as anything but without me. What do I do now?

We've been together 10 years, married 8, both in our mid 30s.

Hi Jem,

Welcome to MB. Thanks for reading the material and begining your application. Now before you go and take the brunt of the blame for issues in your M, realize that you are NOT the reason for the A. Your H is.

Understand that right now even if you became the perfect W, your H would not appreciate it. Even if the OW was a witch, your H would stil see her as a beauty queen because he is in the fog.

Once you realize this, then you can learn MB techinques and use your energies to improve yourself and protect you and your family.

Build your personal support group, get with a good MC/IC, see your doctor for any depression issues, STD checking, work on securing your finances, check out your separation vs divorce options (this is hard to do but worth it for when the WS babble starts flying), know that you can't confide everything to your H because now he is a WS and can't be trusted with your family's priorities, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

If you haven't already, read the books surivivng an affair, his needs/her needs (both by Dr W. Harley) and Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson.

When I first came I read MB stuff here for 5 hours them copied everything down for 3 hours and put it in a binder. Then I gave it to the WS (who by that time had moved out). The excercise for me proved invaluable.

Keep posting. There will be more suggestions made by others.

take care,
L.

You can also click on the link in my signature line for some more tools, many of them on-line that you can read reight away.

Orchid is right: you are BOTH responsible for the state of your marriage, but he is the only one responsible for his A. "Kissing isn't physical"??? It would be funny if it were not so sad.

Read up on Plan A, because that is where you probably need to be (there are some links included in my signature line page). Just know that how he reacts to you and how he feels and thinks inside are VERY different right now, so you cannot judge the efficacy of what you do by his reaction. Harley and pretty much every WS who post here say that during Plan A, when the WS was acting like they dd not notice the changes in their spouse, they actually WERE noticing the changes. So try not to get too discouraged when he does not react the way you desire - because he won't.