I am going crazy again! the pain that I had assumed gone is back again!
here is a my case:
been married 11 years
2 kids
I am 39 and she is 36.
my wife started an affair with another man 2 years ago and we went through all the ups and downs of what you all know as you first discover.
she said she has no contact with the om and we started living our lives again.
2 years goes by and deep down i am still not sure about her @ him!
3 nights ago she was drunk and i had just come back from new york @ i was tired and went to bed until 11:30 i noticed she was on the phone so i pick up the phone and its him! the [censored] was talking to her!.he says come and see me now and she says ok! so I hang up the phone and run down stairs.
she was getting into the car , i say where are you going? she says : no where just changing the cd's in my car.
I say you were on phone with him and I heard you! so i get into the car and go down the drive way and guess who is waiting! the sick [censored]!
he sees me and takes off like hell!
then i come back and call him at his house! he lives 3 blocks away with his wife and kid. by the way his wife was informed of the affair 2 years ago and now pragnent with their 2nd child.

so i come back to confornt the wife. i say why do you do this to! why do you want to ruin me! she say she was upset that his wife is peragnent with his 2nd child and she just needed to call him! and tell him he was a lier! who had lied to her 2 years ago!
i say why the hell do you want to meet him at 11:30 at night when me @ the kids are in bed!
the dummest excuse when caught red handed again!.

Now I am back to this massive depression again. I hate this pain and it is driving me crazy!
it is like a pulse of anger, vengence,worry, fear, frustration and pain and pain again ! I wish to die and not feel this again! cant sleep or consentrate at work.
she doesn't work and stays home while both kids are in school! he is a stay at home dad! so you figure my pain!

do i divorce or not! i cant afford to leave & move into to another place.
things are like hell again. I dont trust her anymore and somebody please tell me what to do.
my kids are 9 & 6 and they are both sad!
I say i want to sell the house and move away from this sick town and she says nope! where do we go from here god knows but i feel so low and i cant work anymore. we are going to lose everything the house and car and everything!

I am scared and very angery at this guy! he is very cocky because his brothers are police officers! and they have contacts in town! boy did she pick the right one! so there . I a m getting screwed left and right ! in the day light and I cant do jack ..it about it.

I am sick of my life and I am hurting. if there are any gentleman out there ,who know & have had similar cases please talk to me & tell what to do.

Yours sincerely,
the weakest man ever! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi and welcome to MB,
I am sorry for the mess you found. But U need to calm down a bit. Your situation is bad but not impossible.

In the morning:

1. Visit your doctor ask for help w/ depression.
2. Get checked for STDs.
3. Get a good MC or call Steve or Jennifer here @MB. They do phone counseling.
4. Read the concepts section above, read the books surviving an affair.

5. Keep your distance from your W. Your anger could be used against you.
6. Reassure your children of your love for them. Let them know you will be there for them.

7. Stay away from the OM. It is more your W's fault than his.

8. Keep posting.
9. Remember you are NOT a weak man.

take care,
L.

I feel so sorry for you. Your pain must be unbearable. Be strong if you can. I'm on my first trip through the wringer and can't imagine having to do it twice.

Keep writing and we'll keep reading. I wish you the best and will be praying for you.

10. Tell the OM's wife what happened and what you heard

You did not say if you are new to the MB web site, if you understand Harley's approach to affair recovery, or what proces you went through last time. Obviously, whatever process you used did not work, and since living down the street from a former affair partner is not allowed under Harley's recovery program, I am going to assume that you followed a different method. So that means:

11. Click on the link in my signature line.

This is a very sad story.

I doubt that this just happened to be the first time again she went to visit him. Why would she wait until you came home? I agree that the both of you be tested for STD's again. It seems that she does not care about your pain. Get into couneling now and certainly move and sell your home as soon as possible. If she says too bad then it is too bad for her. I would also suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. I would certainly contact the OM's wife immediately. The old saying No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change applies here. It really sounds like she is playing you knowing there is really is no consequences to her actions. If you feel you are weak it is because you are allowing yourself to act weak. If you do not respect yourself then it is doubtful your wife respects you which seems clear according to her activities. Again have the both of checked for STD's, contact his wife, contact an attorney for advise and seek marriage counseling and MOVE. I wish you luck.

The best strategy for u is shock and awe and not all these Plan A/B. She is having A for all these 2 years. That is the truth. Its ur thoughts that count now. Take A depression tabs. If possible mover her out and let the A see the daylight. Inform OMW immediately.

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: dhanush ]</small>

Hi,

You feel betrayed. That's a normal result of being betrayed! You're angry. Again, a normal reaction. This MB site is excellent - read as much as you can. Make it a first priority.

Your wife told you the A was over but then carried on. This is typical. Dr Harley describes an A as like an addiction.

First step - tell key people about the affair. OMW is top of the list. Your wife's parents are a possible next. This will put some pressure on a relationship that has thrived on secrecy. It will make your wife very angry. So what? She will be angry at doing something very wrong and being found out. Deep down she knows this.

Second step - be clear about responsibility. The relationship was probably not perfect and this created the conditions for an affair to happen. You can accept 50% responsibility for the state of the marriage but she must accept 100% responsibility for the affair. Whatever the issues an affair was not the answer.

Third step - tell her how much she has hurt you, tell her that the affair must now end permanently and that you must both now work on your marriage. Do it as calmly as you possibly can. Anger is perfectly justified in the circumstances but will get you nowhere.

She may well respond that the marriage is over, that she no longer loves you and perhaps even that OM is her soul mate. This is very hurtful but should be ignored - she is in the grip of an addiction and will one day regret those words. On this MB site it's called being in fog.

Do not move out of the family home, if one of you goes it must be her.

That the A had been going on for the last 2 years is a good possibility. The OM holds a need for your WW that she longs for. What is it? Time, attention? Time to find out?

I would have myself checked for STDs and ask WW to get checked too.

Call the OMW and let her know what went on and what you suspect.

If WW insists on working on M I would set up caller ID on phone, ask for access to all records (cell, email, etc.)

Whether the M is saved or not, the family will need to move. Start working on selling the house and looking to relocate (job, neighborhoods, schools).

If WW chooses not to commit, Plan A, but give yourself a time limit. After that time if she has still has not decided to commit, then move to Plan B.

just a thought here...as one person has put it, it's may be a case of what the good Doctor Harley calls addiction....but so what?

here's a novel thought. all cheaters are not doing what they're doing simply because it's a bad marriage or a case of their ENs not being met. and here's another novel thought. some people are addicts because they choose to be! they like it...and in many cases they need it...and in many cases can't or wont and don't want to be cured of it!

...further i think it's time that we all realized & acknowledged that some people are NOT addicts...they are just simply bad human beings! they can't be trusted...and shouldn't be trusted.

now i have no idea if your W meets some or any of the above criteria but from your post we do know this; she did it before, is doing it again and the chances are very good that she has been doing it since she first was discovered. to me this is a pretty damning conclusion...

so here's my last novel idea. all marriages are not meant to survive no matter what. people do have a right to be loved and cared for in a truthful, honest and open way. h#ll! they probaly even dereve that right! and if part of meeting a cheating spouses EMs means that we must live a life time with fear of heartache and disease then i can't say that breaking the marriage contract is a wrong thing...not for any one...the children envolved included.

coach

Harley himself has said that even happy marriages can become victims of an affair. In fact he states the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">