Hello.

I am new at this, so please be patient. I have recently found out about my husband having what I am told by my therapist is an "emotional affair". No sex has taken place (so he says), but still, it hurts all the same. We have decided to try and work this out through therapy, but an hour a week just does not seem to be enough time to get all my questions answered. For some reason that I can't seem to understand, I feel embarassed. I did nothing wrong, but the shame I feel is unbearable. Can anyone share their experience or explain this? thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You and your H took vows to forsake all others. Your H was not kept them. In our society many people don't blame cheater, they think partner gave them a reason, or marriage was miserable. My WH' OW lives right down the street and is constantly driving by here primping, honking, etc. on her way to go see my H. I used to feel extremey ashamed. Then one day I figured out that he is the one that cheated and betrayed me. She is the one that betrayed her husband and hurt daughter so terribly. I am the one who has kept my promises. Well the shame just flew out the door.

Thanks, believer for your input. I can only imagine what you went through. Yes, I took these vows because they meant something to me and the pain I am feeling is something I cannot even describe. There is no exact word/phrase for these feelings. You are right, he should be feeling the shame, not me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The path to recovery for an emotional affair and a physical affair are the same. The tools that helped us the most are listed or linked in the link in my signature line below.

One thing our therapist told us is to limit the discussion of the affair to something like 1-1/2 hours per week, outside of therapy, and schedule that time, so it would not intrude on the rest of our lives too much. That, and spend the rest of our time together building our marriage. It is easy as a BS to get obsessed,a nd limiting the time to discuss things prevented it from taking over our lives (which was my inclination) and yet still gave me tiem to ask the questions I needed to ask.

Thanks so much for your input. May I ask how long you and your wife have been trying to work things out? For me, it has been just about a month, and I still feel like I am having a dream. We went to see a counseler that our doctor recommended. She seemed very straight forward and on target. When we went the first time, my husband was a mess. This "affair" has brought out a side in him I have never seen. Anyway, he did most of the talking that day, and I was told that he needed intense therapy alone, before he can sit with me in there. I was referred to a partner in the same office. There intention is to sit us down all together and take it from there. I am not sure what to expect. My therapist told me that it will probably get messy between us for a while, but I am not sure what she meant by that. We are going for our first joint session next week.

You mentioned that the recovery is the same for both types of affairs. My opinion is that the emotional hurts more. Hearing my husband tell another woman that he has only known a few months that he is in love with her tore out my heart.

Thanks again.

I read your original post a few days ago but could not be sure how to respond so I didn't. Yesterday, When I was talking to MC's all morning I found myself unable to say what had happened to make me seek MC. I mentioned that I had been reading SAA to get across that there had been an EA. Then mumbled something about discovering an online relationship (now over) with another person not man... person. I could not just say that my wife had an affair with another man. I had to make sure that I got across that it was EA not PA (as if it makes it less of an offense). It felt so humiliating. I think that perhaps I have not confronted the full effect this is having on me. I understand that I played a role in my wife's straying, I contributed to her unhappiness, but an affair is terribly cruel and demeaining thing to do, physical or not.

Thanks for sharing. I wake up every day thinking I had a bad dream. When I realize that is not the case, I spend most of the day thinking people can look at me and see that my husband did what he did. I still think that the EA is much more damaging than the PA, but that is just my opinion. There is no one word that can describe this awful feeling of disrespect. Unfortunately, I think I am in denial on some level, because I don't see that I somehow had a part in this. We had problems before this came about, and I was always the one to initiate the talking and try to fix things. He continued to shut me out, but allowed a stranger into our lives and told her things about me that are not her busines. He had no right to do that. The strange thing is that I always told myself I would not put up with this if it ever happened, and yet, I can't bring myself to just get up and go. For the past month my head has been in a fog. When will this end???

dlr -

I understand what you are thinking. I swing back and forth about staying and working on M or just getting on with my life.

I agree with you about your feelings of bringing another person into the relationship. My H also did not tell me what he was thinking, feeling, hurting, angry about but could tell OW. He also told OW all about me, my kids, his kids and his grandkids. When I spoke with OWH a few times (after I notified him of the A) he told me so many things that he knew about me (from confronting OW) and it made me so sick. I had to tell him to stop saying what he knew about me because it felt so awful. I knew nothing about the OW or OWH and to have strangers know things about you and your family has got to be the worst feeling in the world.

The bad dream will fade.

Hang in there.

sss

drl,

We had problems in our marriage even before D-day as well. In retrospect quite serious ones. During the EA attempts at resolution were fruitless. She had put little hope in the M. I am beginning to think that she has been withdrawing from me for a while and the EA only helped that process along, and agrevated the already existing problems. It has been a slow process to get her to come closer again.

sss --

Thanks for the comforting words. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Like you, she knew far more about me than vice versa. I could not deal with that. I hired a private investigator to dig up her background. Although he did not find anything too earth shattering, at least I know who I am dealing with and this gave me some peace of mind. The anger and fury in me is just undescribable. I am still unable to concentrate at work, and people are making comments to me regarding my nasty attitude. What hurts the most is that after all the years we have been together, he gave her more of himself sitting on a bus for a few months, than with me. What I can't understand is why he choose this woman. She is not his type in any way. It still hurts.

jgnc --

How have you been able to cope with this? Do you trust your wife now? I feel the need to follow my husband as much as possible. I was never so paranoid, and it is affecting other areas of my life. How do people get through this?

pumkin,

Please read the concepts section above, get ahold of the book 'surviving an affair' and 'his needs/her needs' both by Dr W. Harley.

If you can both take the emotional needs questionnaire it will help. If he won't you take it, u take it. 1st as yourself then as him.

See a good MC or do phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri.

Get to a doctor to see if any anti deps can help.

Keep posting/venting here. Your H needs to meet your needs but he maybe in withdrawal. EAs are definitely the more addictive of the 2 (ea/pa). Both bring pain into the M.

Here is a thread that helped me:
5 stages of grieving

Hope this helps.
L.

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 01:45 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

pumkin

Hello and welcome to MB.
A month is not a long time.Is your H still in contact with OW?
I know for me the first 2months after d-day were horrible because he was still in the "fog" and did not know what he wanted me or her.
Imagine after 25yrs of marriage and all the sudden you are told I have found someone else.

The pain of the PA is terrible but like you the words and time he gave her hurt me just as much.It is very difficult to get past the words he spoke to someone else while married to you.Do not feel like just because he did not have a PA that you should get over this any easier or faster.The pain you are feeling is real,it will take time to deal with it and to learn to trust again.
It has been 10m for me and the pain is still there.I will say this,it is not as bad some days and time does heal but please remember that it will take time and maybe a very long time to get through this.

You are not alone in how you feel,many of us here feel the same and that thought makes you feel just a little more "normal" I know it does for me.

Best of luck to you I will check in later to see how things are going <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pumkin,

Dealing with her withdrawal has been very difficult. I'm still not doing all that well and I can see it is keeping me from acting the few times she lowers her defenses. I know she is testng me. Perhaps I need to see an IC to help me with this.

As far as trust goes, because she is being honest with me (even if I don't like what I hear) I still have some trust for her. I still get the urge to peek through her e.mail, I know she still has some old e.mails from him saved and it gnaws at me that I may not know the whole truth. I am telling myself that I know enough, and since PA is not possible due to distance, it helps. However I don't trust her to take my feelings into account very much, I don't trust her emotions or what she says to me. It's like dealing with a stranger sometimes. This is the part that is taking its toll.

jgnc said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand that I played a role in my wife's straying, I contributed to her unhappiness, but an affair is terribly cruel and demeaining thing to do, physical or not.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">pumkin said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unfortunately, I think I am in denial on some level, because I don't see that I somehow had a part in this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neither of you are to blame in any way, shape or form for your spouses' infidelity. You are responsible for some of the problems in the marriage that may have lead up to their affairs, and you should do your best to pinpoint those problems and resolve them, but they chose to go down that path on their own or with the help of their OP. You are NOT responsible for their actions, they are. Please don't beat yourselves up over that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Sio ]</small>

jgnc and pumkin

Search for and read "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses", in this discussion forum, and pay special atention to Rule #4.

WIO

Sit back, while you may want this to go away quickly, it will take awhile.For me, about two years, and it still hurts. This is a hard question for the people on this board to answer since the reality of it is that most "move on" with their lives and no longer report in..just a few, now and then. Hard to get a feel of what it takes with so few reporting back after 2-3 years.

pumkin - I am new here and I know exactly how you feel. My w claims only physical contact with om has been passionate kiss (2 occassions). It took 2 months for her to admit. Originally she told me she was only "attracted to om". Then she said she made it up she was never "attracted" to om. Now she says original story was true and she kissed him twice. Its like you don't even know the person you've been married to. We've been married 11 years - 2 children. I felt humiliated and I didn't know why. I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. It really helped me to take emotional needs questionnaire. Even though I met wifes en's on 6 of 10 - I did not meet 3 of her top 5. Now I know what I need to work on. It helped me to understand what it was she was looking for that I wasn't providing. Even though I know A wasn't my fault - I do not condone the choices she made - I understand I contributed to her vulnerability. After I understood this I made it very easy for her to be honest by not practicing lb's and letting her know I accepted whatever happened whether it was physical or emotional and we would move forward from here. It took that for her to admit she had kissed the om. It is a very positive step to go to counseling together my w and I are going as well. Read the 4 part series on coping with infidelity - it really helps. Good luck

D Needs SOS,
For some reason that I can't seem to understand, I feel embarassed. Yes I can relate. I say it is more like complete humiliation.

I have recently found out about my husband having what I am told by my therapist is an "emotional affair". [B]
Besides this site and Harley's books another great book for those experiencing EA issues is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I strongly urdge you to go buy this book immediately. Most MC's do not even recognize the validity of an EA so your MC is way ahead of the pack, however those few that do acknowledge them do not know how to deal with them. This book will supplement your MC. You can even ask the MC questions based upon your reading.

Also on this site you'll see numerous conversations about how most MCs do not believe in full disclosure. Alot of them buy into this crud about not telling because it just further hurts the relationship, blah, blah, blah,blah. You may want to ask your current MC where (s)he stands on this.

Now to the hard part. You said.... [B]No sex has taken place (so he says), but still, it hurts all the same. Please understand I don't say this to hurt you but just to inform you and as you can see from my signature below I'm prejudiced on the matter from personal experience. How long has the EA been going on? Where did your H meet the OW? Did they have oppurtiunity to be alone long periods? How much info has H been willing to divuldge? Some of the answers to these questions may speak to the issue as to whether a PA occured. And yes even if just EA it hurts just the same. Glass says that EAs tend to hurt women more than men while PAs tend to hurt men more than women. Each case is individualized though.

So if you fell up to it give a little more info and I'm happy to share my thoughts.

cwmac

pumkin, it's been about 5 years for me, since my H opened up in a weak moment and told me he didn't love me, etc etc etc.

He'd been emotionally involved with a woman from his office for awhile, and it had gradually gotten more and more intense to the point where I (a normally secure and not jealous person) grew very uncomfortable.

Before the "opening up" talk, I had found a long, hand-written letter to her, telling her all about the weekend. I was humiliated and hurt and ashamed and embarressed, because I realized the letter-writing, and therefore the emotional connection, had been going on for YEARS before I snooped in his brief case.

Since then, I came to the MB Boards often, bled on the pages of the internet, and vented sometimes daily.

Yes, your feelings of shame, humiliation, are real. The EA hurt me more than a mere sexual encounter, bought and paid for, would have hurt. I could have understood "just sex."

You're not weird. You've been betrayed, your husband has been unfaithful to you, he has had an affair.

We have suffered permanent damage to our marriage as a result. Most people know nothing about the whole sordid mess we went through. My H to this day has never acknowledged that what he had was an affair, that he betrayed his marriage vows.

I just wanted to hide in a dark room in the house, I couldn't look at people I knew. Yeah, I understand.