I know that I am the only one who can make the ultimate decision here, but I desperately need some quick opinions. H and I have been married 10 years, together 12. 3 children--S 4, D 6, S10.
We have had a wonderful marriage, however, as a child, H was not taught coping skills. He used marijuana to cope with life and over the years began using more than not. He also has a problem with pathological lying in order to avoid any type of conflict. (lied about the stupidest things when he didn't even have to). He destroyed our finances, became so heavy and depressed he did not care about himself or even leave the house. He also would become very mean when withdrawing anytime he wasn't high. I told him I wanted a divorce, he would not leave. He told me he would quit, but he had a million times before. He tried, but I had a PA. I believe in my heart it was the only way to end things because I didn't really want them over, but the hurt was too bad to continue in the marriage. The A meant nothing emotionally, but it was the biggest betrayal I could have ever done. I know it was wrong and if I could change it I would. It was very brief and when I saw that this time he was truly changing, I wanted to make things work. He moved out when he found out, came back 3 months later. Two weeks ago, I found that he has been talking to several women, EA with one married women, kissed one and sent lude emails to at least one other. Also still talking to woman he dated when we separated after N/C email sent. Its like he came back just to hurt me. He says I destroyed his ego and he liked the attention. He told me he could never be happy with me and he just couldn't get over what I did to him. He can't give me his heart and he wanted it over because he also thought I was cheating again. (All I've done for the past 6 months is try to save my marriage, albeit one-sidedly). We even went to counseling separately and together. He would become angry whenever he was told something he could do to change. When I initially decided I wanted a divorce, he destroyed my credit so I couldn't leave (he handled the bills). I have begun re-building it, but still had a difficult time getting an apartment. I knew the girl who approved the applications at one place and she approved me. So, now, I am supposed to move out this weekend. All of the sudden he doesn't want me to go and he wants to get things back the way they were. It obviously hasn't worked that way in the past 6 months and I think I should go so he can get himself together. He thinks it is a bad idea, but he still is not sure that he can ever get past what happened. I don't want to do this to the kids again, but I am so confused!!! I am trying to be logical about all of this. Can someone please help me? Oh, and by the way, the other women thing doesn't phase me too much because I can see his reasons.

Remember that we are not counselers, just fellow travelers - and having said that, I'll offer an opinion.

I think you should go ahead and move. I think you should tell him that you want the marriage to work, but that words don't cut it from him any longer. Now you need to see actions to match the words. This could take time, and it you don't know if it will work at all, but I believe that you are doing the right thing to try and save it.

You can help him with the changes if he will accept help, you can continue conseling with him, but you can't make him change, you can only improve yourself. I recommend you do look inside and make improvments in you that will make you a better spouse no matter what happens.

Anyway, you can date, and he can show you that he wants the marriage by how he treats you, and you can show him by how you treat him.

I also recommend you read all you can from this web site, and that you get the books His Needs, Her Needs and read that, and also Surviving An Affair - these will give you some basis to begin recovery. The information here has made a great deal of difference in our marriage, and we are more in love than we have been in all the 26 years that we have been together.

By now you know that this is just a place where people try to help each other, and sometimes we don't get replies very quickly, so I hope this still helps. Just remember if you move out that it is hard to meet needs when apart - the only reason I recommend it is because you tried staying but he made no progress while you were there. If one thing doesn't work, you try another. Just be careful while you are apart - OK?

SS

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>