My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Up until the last year or so we were really happy, we had some issues, but we loved each other and had fun together and enjoyed each others company. Lately, in the last year, it's started to get a little stale, and we've slipped into really taking each other for granted. Even during all this time though we were still usually affectionate with each other and didn't really fight much.

The last few weeks everything really went down hill. Last week and the week before he started acting really strange...staying out late (which he never did before) and offering up lame excuses for it. He was moody all the time and instead of being warm and affectionate like he usually was, he was standoffish and a little rude, and instead of saying "I love you" he would say "I like you".

Then this past weekend everything blew up, he gave me the "I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you" speech and when I asked him if he was seeing something else he said no, but he had that "look" in his eye. He wants to end it, he's just not happy and insists that those feelings can't come back. I asked him for some time, just to see if we could work it out and improve things, and he said why delay it?

I just don't understand any of it, a month ago at this time our marriage was a little stale and we both needed to work on making things better, but overall it was fine. Now...it's just supposed to end, and he acts like I'm being unreasonable for wanting some time to try to work things out.

I'm sure that he's having an affair, I can't think of any other reason why he'd be so quick to throw away our relationship in such a hasty manner if he didn't want to be able cheat without feeling guilty about it. I know this man very well, we were, up until this point, best friends, but the last couple weeks he's a different person.

Should I go? He seems entirely unwilling to even try to work things out, and he is no longer in love with me. I just don't know what to do, seperate? End it like he says he wants to? He won't try counseling, he won't make any compromises at all on this. I guess I'm just hoping someone will be able to give me a little hope...I'm pretty much in that "it's the end of the world" frame of mind right now.

Sio,

I'm sorry you are having this pain. I do not feel qualified to answer your question but I noticed you did not have any replies and wanted to just give you a ((hug)). I hope things work out for you and your husband.

Take a deep breath and don't make any major decisions until you have sorted yourself out.
Read the links below.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he gave me the "I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you" speech </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are wise to suspect an affair. That quote comes right out of the wayward spouse's handbook, as does the distancing behavior.

Click on the link in my signture line.

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thank you for the responses, and the hug, I'm so glad this site exists...if nothing else it's made me feel better.

I'm going to try plan A, well, after I relearn how to eat/sleep/breath (or is that just wishful thinking? lol). I told him today to do what he needs to do. As far as plan A goes though, what is a reasonable amount of time to give it? I certainly don't want to rush things, I really want to work it out, but I also don't want to make a fool of myself by staying where I'm truly not wanted. I was also wondering, would going to another state to spend the holidays with my parents be a bad thing to do? I guess I will have to see how things are going at the time.

This is all just such a surreal situation, I never thought I'd find myself here.

Recommended time in Plan A according to Harley, if I remember correctly, is about 3-6 weeks. The reason he suggests such a short time frame is to protect you from blowing up and undoing all the good work as you get more and more frustrated with your spouse's lack of response to your efforts. Some peope find they can go longer, it really depends on how much pain you can tolerate without giving up or LoveBusting all over the place. Since 3-6 weeks is really not vbery long, you will greatly benefit from a coach or counselor who can help you through this, so your efforts are effective, and to encourage you when your spouse seems unresponsive - which is likely to be most, if not all, of the time. Since your husband is being emotionally abusive, you may not be able to tolerate even three weeks. All the more reason to get help to focus your efforts. The Harleys, whose contact info is on this web site, or Penny at saveyourmarriagecentral.com are both excellent resources for that. There just don't seem to be that many other people familiar with Harley's plan, which is a shame. Many more seem to be familiar with Michelle Weiner-Davis's methods, which are similar, but not as good, IMO.

Separation will make it harder to do a Plan A, so I don't recommend spending too much time apart.

Sio

Most of the time your gut feeling is correct. Proving it though is sometimes pretty tough.

Do some searches on how to detect an affair so that you can confirm or put to rest your fears.

Spouses in affairs almost always deny anything is going on even when you have solid evidence so don't expect a confession get your own proof or disproof (is that a word??)

After my post last night my husband came home (late of course) and I did everything according to plan, I'm giving his space, but being nice to him and "there" for him and doing things to try to make him happy again.

Well, I was tossing and turning in bed and decided to go have a cigarette (we smoke in the computer room) and what did I find him doing? Reading this site. I know it's not much, but it's the first thing thats made me smile in days.

I know over the next few weeks I'm going to have to take care of myself and prop myself up and try to keep a positive outlook. Maybe in some really sick painful way this whole thing is a Win/Win. If it turns out that he really can't love me again, then we can both move on sometime down the road and find happiness on our own, and if we can work it out, it will be the catalyst that we needed to fix some of the issues in the marriage, and make it better then ever.

Thank you for telling me to trust my gut instincts...leaving just seems dead wrong in every way. I know this is going to be the hardest battle of my life, and I know that if/when he decides this other woman isn't worth it, we're going to have to deal with a whole new set of problems. So all of this is going to take a lot of time and strength. It's just good to hear someone say I should trust myself in this. My gut instincts in the past have usually been dead on, and I'm a pretty intuitive person, but I've been having doubts that I was just telling myself what I want to hear. I know it sounds awful, and I wish I could go to each and everyone of you to give you a hug, but seeing how much worse some of you have it has made me look at where I'm at and realize it's not unsurmountable. The fact that a lot of you have been much worse off, and then were able to save your marriages is amazing to me, you have my deepest respect.

Anyway, this site is such a blessing, I wish the link to it was sent to every newly married couple lol.

Sio - Congratulations for figuring this out so quickly. It took me several months to even consider the possibility of an affair. Your H is exhibiting classic cheaters behavior. I compare it to the movie "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers." That's the one where the victims bodies get taken over, they still look and talk like themselves, but are not themselves. Expect bizarre behavior: denying, disappearing, spending lots of money, new interests (even doing things that he never wanted to do with you). Don't leave - I threw my H out which gave him an excuse to spend all his time and money on OW. The great thing about this site is that both Plan A and Plan B do work. I'm in Plan B and even though we had to file bankruptcy (he has kept all of his check for 5 months now), and lost contact with my grandchildren (his kids blame me), I'm very content and most days are good. Keep reading and posting, there are lots of smart people here. Also consider the counseling on this site. It seems expensive, but looking back I could have had counseling almost everyday and it would have saved me money. Stay strong and HUGS from California.

Well, the last few days have been enlightening if nothing else. I've kind of been waking up, I've realized what went wrong in our marriage and most of it's my fault. We've both been pretty awful about meeting each others needs, but I took it further by being very selfish and blind to everything he was doing, good things. I think I've been suffering from depression...I couldn't see anything, and over the last couple days (why now?) it's been almost a physical thing, of a black cloud leaving me. I just can't imagine why it would happen now...I'm hurt and devestated but I feel less depressed? Anyway I know I need to go see a counselor soon but I'm trying to make changes in myself now...only 2 days in but I feel better now then I have in years, I just have to wonder why it's happening now though.

Last night when he finally got home I told him I understood why he wanted out of the marriage. Then he does a 180...."no, let's give it time and see how it goes" ooookay. Then he told me about the affair. Everything I've suspected he's confirmed, it's now been going on for about 3 weeks. No real shocking news to me, and since I had my emotional breakdown over the weekend (when I actually found out) it went fairly civil. I know he feels guilty about it, and he looks like complete hell but he did not even hint that he was planning on ending it. I guess that would be to much to ask for of course, and I told him I'm not condoning it but since I can't do anything to stop him to do what he needs to do.

It went pretty well though all things considered until I asked him to at least try not to fall in love with her. His response was "oh I won't, well I shouldn't say that...anything's possible".
He said that after saying we might be able to work things out. He said that after reading this site and knowing the statistics of affairs lasting.

I suppose I should probably move on the the Plan A/B forum now. After hearing him say that though, and actually feeling better the last couple days when I thought he wanted to leave me for sure, I am just really questioning whether or not this marriage can be saved both due how bad our marriage was without me even realizing it, and him not even thinking of leaving his affair when he's not in love with her but is open to falling in love with her despite knowing that will pretty much be the end for us and knowing his relationship with her will very likely end regardless.

The most pathetic thing of it all is I think my depression was at least partly caused by our atrocious sex life. I've brought it up to him many times during our marriage but he's never taken it seriously. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to tell him what I liked nor would he tell me what he liked, and every time I tried to initiate anything he would reject me. And now he's having sex every night with is new "friend". Yeah, I'm thinking this marriage is pretty much doomed.

The marriage doesn't have to be doomed, that's why you're here. You might want to try some anti-depressants if you think you have been depressed. Even though you feel better now, it may be just from the shock of finding out. Also concentrate on taking care of yourself. Follow Plan A, but it may be very difficult. Don't take personally anything your H says right now - they all talk crazy. Hang in there.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know I probably sound kind of crazy in my post. Right this minute it's not that I'm worried the marriage can't be saved, I'm just wondering why on earth I want to save it. That will pass <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I love this guy, I just got really fed up with him acting like...well, he got invaded by an alien. Anyway, thanks again *hug*