We have been married for over 17 years and my H has been unfaithful for most of those. A 1 1/2 ago I told him that if this happened again... we were done. Well 2 1/2 mos ago I gave him a letter that detailed that he had 30 days to find a counselor and if not that a divorce would be inevitable. So, I am in the process of finding an atty and securing the future for my children and myself. H is addicted to sexual encounters with various women. I think it would have been easier to stomach had it been one affair. Over the years I have read and attempted to help him and have not. I have read various books HisN/HerN 5 love lang., fascinating womanhood, etc all have not changed things. He has read or said he has some of same. I just cannot continue this any longer. Prayers would be appreciated... I feel numb, but ready to pursue happiness for my children and myself..am I wrong for wanting this to finally end

Living with a serial cheater is a "special" kind of hell, isn't it?
He isn't going to change as long as he can have his cake(family life) and eat it too(single life). You stay with him (even though you complain) and allow him to continue with his outside fun. Why should he change? His life as he sees it may be going along pretty fine, if he could just avoid detection better so he wouldn't have to listen to your complaints.
According to the multitudes of real-life testimonies given here, he won't change until he HAS to. Drawing a line, making an ultimatum regarding your marriage is such a tough decision when there are children involved. But, it may precipitate a crisis in his life that will cause him enough heartache to face himself. Only something drastic will shake him out of his self-satisfied complacency toward you.
What are you feeling at this point?

Yes it is definitely hell! I have confronted him (what seems like endless times now) and he has said he will quit, agreed to be checkedup on various times throughout the days, lied about it, got better at hiding it. A year and a half ago I wrote a letter to him (the letters seemed to work better because he could re-read them) and in the letter explained where I was, how I felt and that if this happened again...we were through. Well, it has and a couple of months ago, I gave him another letter that gave him 30 days to get into counseling or that I would seek an atty to begin divorce proceedings. How do I feel now, used, foolish for my continued belief in him and our vows, my spiritual life has gotten me through so much and he seems to have almost none. He plays the game with our friends and family that everything is fine. I no longer trust him or believe anything he says. He still isn't in counseling but says he's reading about his problem and asked if I would go to a counselor with him I said no, he needed to find one and go to one on his own. I told him that I am in survival mode right now that I have allowed him to strip so much of me away and that now it's time to take care of me. He keeps asking for things that I am no longer able to give him, hugs, phone calls throughout the day, time to work on us. I feel that I really have nothing to offer any longer and have told him that maybe we just shouldn't be married to each other. It all seems to be such a lie (at least on his part). I have contacted an atty and am preparing for a life without him. I have recently told two close friends (who have been so surprised and supportive) which I have never told anyone before. So I knew when I told them that this would be over and things would be different.
I love Psalm 34 it has brought me much comfort.

Currently, he says that I am letting him down because I won't be there for him to help him through this. I'm glad that things are better for you and that he stopped cold turkey. That has to feel like such a blessing.

Good morning m&q, I am so sorry for your situation. I understand your feeling that your marriage has been a lie. You have been through SO much with this man, and he HAS taken advantage of your love and trust. Being married to him must feel like being married to a snake in many ways. (Sneaky, slithery, low, independent and painful to engage.)I'm sure he has his good points or you wouldn't have married him, but it's amazing how much goo a person can hide. Do you still have feelings of love for him?

Yes, I am very thankful to God for the change in my husband. I remember distinctly the night my husband accepted the Lord in a real way. We made love that night as for the first time,united in spirit and soul as well as body. He had never known how to give of this part of himself before.

Sweetie, I hope you see that we people are a foolish lot, so there are people who understand and share your pain. There is much to love and hate about marriage. Your situation is horrible to be sure. It will require a strength beyond your own to endure it.

I am glad you know the Lord and the power of His might. He has been my help and my shield. Your husband has been neither to you...but I can attest to the fact that *WITH GOD* people can be completely changed and reborn. My husband is my living example, a living epistle.

Have you read much on this site? Seen the "180 degree divorce busting list"? Great stuff. I encourage you to keep reading with an open heart. (tough to open a ravaged heart though isn't it?)

Sounds like you are taking some action to let him know you seriously MUST have change in order for the marriage to have even a snowballs chance. He must see your resolve and know he can't fake you out this time. Best to you, love. Let us know day by day, will you?

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Thank you so much for your posts they help. My faith over the years has gotten so much stronger and God has enabled me to continue to be a good mom and become stronger. Unfortunately, I am not sure that I have any feelings left for my husband. I have told him this, not in a mean or spiteful way. I told him that there has been way to much hurt on both sides to cause anymore. I am not angry or yelling (due to God's grace) I am numb in part because I feel as though I have been literally skinned alive and the salt has been added. I have tried for years to have him account for his actions, to be supportive, to try to rebuild the lost trust, read many books, but I have realized that I can't fix this for him and that any amt of work I do, is still work that I am doing. I recently told him that this is now just becoming a reality for him, but that it has been mine for so long. The lies we tell to friends that everything is fine. I don't have any family (other than our 4 great kids) but have recently told two close friends (who were left speechless). They couldn't even speak at first. I feel in my heart that I now need to move ahead to begin to live again. With God's strength I/we will be fine. I no longer trust or believe anything that my H says (unfortunately). He recently confessed that this serial cheating has been going on for longer than I even was aware. He has learned (over time or maybe always) how to be very manipulative. I find him being nice one minute and spouting angry thoughts the next. I have been praying daily for guidance and that HIS will be done for this. I feel that I keep being led to the same point and that is to prepare for my future without him. Some days I feel very secure in that and others..I feel like I am quitting (I believed our vows when we took them). He is reading currently, journaling (still not seeing or seeking a counselor) and I just can't let go again and believe him. His words come easy to him, but the actions are little. Thank you again and I am so happy that your marriage was saved. I will add you to my prayer list. I really feel that God is leading me to prepare myself and our children for our eventual divorce. Some days it seems much better to accept than other.

I understand when you say the responsibility of his change has to be on him now. You have been longsuffering in this. You must struggle with the forgiveness and bitterness issues. I know that I do.

When you said you felt "skinned with salt poured on", I know that feeling as well. (Mine has only been since Dec--that's when I found out about the years of cheating. You are smarter than me!)

You sound like a beautiful person who has done more for her marriage than most would be willing to do.

You feel that God is preparing you to divorce. If your husband cannot live as a faithful man, this is certainly a Biblically allowed option. Still, I will be praying for a miracle in your husband's life. Whether you stay married or not, the man is desperately in need of the saviour.

Thank you so much for your posts they help. My faith over the years has gotten so much stronger and God has enabled me to continue to be a good mom and become stronger. Unfortunately, I am not sure that I have any feelings left for my husband. I have told him this, not in a mean or spiteful way. I told him that there has been way to much hurt on both sides to cause anymore. I am not angry or yelling (due to God's grace) I am numb in part because I feel as though I have been literally skinned alive and the salt has been added. I have tried for years to have him account for his actions, to be supportive, to try to rebuild the lost trust, read many books, but I have realized that I can't fix this for him and that any amt of work I do, is still work that I am doing. I recently told him that this is now just becoming a reality for him, but that it has been mine for so long. The lies we tell to friends that everything is fine. I don't have any family (other than our 4 great kids) but have recently told two close friends (who were left speechless). They couldn't even speak at first. I feel in my heart that I now need to move ahead to begin to live again. With God's strength I/we will be fine. I no longer trust or believe anything that my H says (unfortunately). He recently confessed that this serial cheating has been going on for longer than I even was aware. He has learned (over time or maybe always) how to be very manipulative. I find him being nice one minute and spouting angry thoughts the next. I have been praying daily for guidance and that HIS will be done for this. I feel that I keep being led to the same point and that is to prepare for my future without him. Some days I feel very secure in that and others..I feel like I am quitting (I believed our vows when we took them). He is reading currently, journaling (still not seeing or seeking a counselor) and I just can't let go again and believe him. His words come easy to him, but the actions are little. Thank you again and I am so happy that your marriage was saved. I will add you to my prayer list. I really feel that God is leading me to prepare myself and our children for our eventual divorce. Some days it seems much better to accept than other.

H is definitely not saved (at least for what has been revealed to me) I used to believe that he was (yrs ago) I don't know that I am smarter than you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just was revealed to me during a pregnancy of mine..not exactly a good time (not that there is ever one) but really not good then. I have been praying for a miracle of change (if it is HIS will) but I really feel that HE is revealing to me a plan of preparation and self-survival. So much of who I was feels gone. I am making an effort to laugh every day and smile. I also am trying to walk every day (min of 3 times a week) almost 4 miles. That has become my prayer/quiet time. It has helped immensely.

H is definitely not saved (at least for what has been revealed to me) I used to believe that he was (yrs ago) I don't know that I am smarter than you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just was revealed to me during a pregnancy of mine..not exactly a good time (not that there is ever one) but really not good then. I have been praying for a miracle of change (if it is HIS will) but I really feel that HE is revealing to me a plan of preparation and self-survival. So much of who I was feels gone. I am making an effort to laugh every day and smile. I also am trying to walk every day (min of 3 times a week) almost 4 miles. That has become my prayer/quiet time. It has helped immensely.

I get a lot of benefits from walking and praying also. Some days it is more of a 3 mile STOMP! My neighbors must think I am a zealous exercise fanatic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Actually most days my husband now walks with me, but in the early post d-days, I did a lot of praying, steaming and obsessing on those walks. Now we talk. Lots of uncomfortable stuff and some good. I have to be careful not to overload him with relationship talk. He gets too stressed by my pain and sometimes I vent and LB. I am learning to talk about these incredibly hurtful topics in a more loving, controlled way.
Do you and your husband still talk much? What are your conversations like now and what do you hope to gain when you talk, or have you lost all hope of gain? You are in such a hurting place that your emotions for him are shut down...and very understandably so. Do you think he believes you don't love him and are seriously planning a divorce? Just curious about your situation--I came very close to being there myself.

We still talk..he says he wants to talk to me every day, he wanted me to call him at work everyday (I used to) I told him that I can't make any promises about anything to him currently other than...I will pay the bills, take care of the house and children. I told him that I am not trying to hurt him in anyway, but that I am in survival mode. He told me last week that he couldn't promise me that this wouldn't happen again, but that he is trying. I asked him why he wants to work on things now and he said out of fear. I asked him if it was because he knows that I am ready to move on without him and he said he's not sure. He told me that he's sorry that he hurt me so badly. He asks for hugs and I explained that I just can't go there now. I just can't let myself be emotionally vulnerable currently to him. That I have to take some time to heal me. He said he understands, but then the next day he is stomping around saying that I dont care about him and how can I just not let him hug me or kiss me. That I am unfair. I tried to explain to him that I really am not trying to be mean or spiteful just trying to take care of me now. He said so you're giving up on me/us I told him he really needs to work on fixing this serial cheating for him not for anyone else and that he needs to establish a closer relationship with his children because those two things are forever. He said oh so I suppose we're not and I said I told you from the beginning that I can't make ANY promises currently. He said that he should make a copy of my letter I gave him a few months back and refresh my memory. I just don't feel that he is taking any ownership or responsibility for any of his infidelities throughout the years and I just can't continue to enable him to do this. Sad...very sad because I no longer know who I am married to. Ugh!
I really don't think I am bitter... just confused on how someone can continue to do this to someone they supposedly love. I feel like we have been on the proverbial merry-go-round and I am ready to stop it. He has asked to go for walks with me, but says I walk to fast for him and that he will just gain the weight I lose. So, now he wants to talk during my walking time which a few times I have honored his request.

I have read a lot on the site. It's such a blessing that you and your H are in recovery. A few years ago I would have thought it possible, but I think too much hurt and time has passed. I now just don't see anything else possible. Thanks again for your replies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />